147 | Is Miss Piggy in Retrograde?

A YDAFT Giant spams the Thoughtline with questions on Toy Story's Bullseye, the Muppets, and inanimate object matrimony. Then Matt wraps things up with the debut of a new closing segment: Bit Crit. 

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Transcript

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Cold Open

Eric 0:00

Matthew. Yes, sir. I gave you a melon. You gave me a melon, all right? A cantalope, if you will. Uh which reminds me of one of my favorite jokes. What's Romeo and Juliet's favorite fruit? Cantalope.

Matt 0:12

Yep, very good.

Eric 0:13

Uh but credit to Alyssa. I gave you a melon, I realized I I erred. You made it.

Matt 0:21

Did you give me a rotten melon?

Eric 0:22

No, no, no. The melon I gave you was. My wife ate that. The Tusc melon I gave you was pristine. No, I realized I I erred in that I really should have given you some tomatoes.

Matt 0:36

Oh yeah, the tomatoes are good.

Eric 0:38

Because, Matthew, I have a problem. My problem is that I work on a farm now.

Matt 0:46

Yeah, people who haven't listened to the the oat from last week are going to be Oh yeah.

Eric 0:53

Uh long story short, I work. No, don't tell them. Oh no, no, no, no. No, don't tell them. No, you put the truth behind a paywall. I work on a farm now. Okay. You told me. And uh every week, we can just take whatever we want home. Like they're they're like, you know, if you're harvesting something, they're like, if you're harvesting something, you want some, just take some. They're like, or like after we're done packing produce for the week, they're like, fucking take whatever you want. We have so much. Matt, every week, I I Matt, I have so many goddamn tomatoes, and I cannot offload them fast enough. And they're nice tomatoes, Matt.

Matt 1:30

Oh, okay. I was gonna say, it's not that they're like some exceptional tomato. It's just that you want to get rid of them. Well, you don't have to take them, you you glutton.

Eric 1:39

I don't, but every I Matt, I look at these tomatoes that I this is this is the wildest feeling ever.

Matt 1:47

You're making a cupping motion with your hand in a very suggestive manner.

Eric 1:51

Matt, did I send you the picture of a tomato? You grow up in these tomatoes. Matt, Matt, you would. You would. I'm gonna I'm gonna Matt, let me, Matt, can I I don't I realize I never sent you this picture. Send me a picture of this holy shit, man. Tomatoes. Oh, oh, buddy. Thank you. Here let's let's go ahead and f oh there she is. Come on, you can't say that into it. Come on. Oh, I just gotta just gotta add the appropriate caption. This is gonna be great. Caption? You're sending me a text live. Sending you a text right now. I want you to look at this tomato and tell me you're not bringing that bad boy.

Matt 2:31

I wanna I just want to point out that the preview just says I should call her, listeners. And now I'm gonna open up that was just a little notification. I'm gonna open up the text and see what we got. Oh boy.

Eric 2:44

Uh now hold on. That has not been doctored in any way. Hold on.

Matt 2:53

I now you had prepared me for uh like a tit looking tomato is what you would that's that's what you had prepared you for. That's true. What I'm looking at here, listeners, yeah, I can only describe as a tomato with an asshole.

Eric 3:13

A tomato, a thick ass tomato. Thick ass tomato. So like three or four C's on it.

Matt 3:19

What are you doing out here with all this ass?

Eric 3:21

I I I literally I picked up that tomato, I turned to my boss, I said, Man, I'm gonna have to call HR. This is a flashlight. I mean, this is it's just too, this is too much. So that's what I'm bringing home. So that's what you're bringing home, bro. I and you gave me some worthless melon. Oh I could have been bringing home this premium heirloom. Oh air, emphasis on the heirloom. I don't know why the emphasis would go there. That's not loom. I don't I we'll we'll fix it in post. Yeah. We Matt, I have so many fucking tomatoes. And Matt, my entire my entire working life now.

Matt 4:08

I doubt your bosses, like, yeah, take take so many that you have to sell them on a black market.

Eric 4:14

No, but there there are days where they're like, please, please take some stuff home or we're gonna have to throw it away.

Matt 4:20

It doesn't feel like I I mean, I guess the food waste thing is a thing, but like it doesn't feel like the best business model.

Eric 4:28

I mean, that's that's agriculture, baby. Like, because you if you if you you you don't want to be in a position where like, okay, we'll grow just enough and hope to God that nothing happens to any of our plants. Yeah. So like if everything's going correct according to plan, like you have uh and and we'll we'll like trade produce with other farms and they'll give us stuff. But uh, but yeah, and then like we we we find homes for like 90% of the of of of any like excess stuff we have. It's just that 10%.

Matt 5:00

Are you attracted to any other produce that you've you've honestly?

Eric 5:06

If I had to pick Swiss chard. Swiss chard. Swiss chard. Very attractive colors.

Matt 5:14

You yes, very again, you're talking saying more content from behind a paywall.

Eric 5:19

But I'm not saying the amazing joke that I made about chard. You you and no, if you did, I'd cut it. I'd cut it. Good. Uh Swiss Chard. Eric. Cockettish. Oh. That is how I would describe Swiss chard. Interesting. Least sexy produce, call rabi.

Matt 5:40

What the fuck is that?

Eric 5:42

It is like it's uh if you crossed a Brussels sprout and a potato in like Oh, I've just looked it up.

Matt 5:52

It does look like a fungus or a Pokemon.

Eric 5:56

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Matt 5:57

It does look like a Pokemon of some kind.

Eric 5:59

And it sounds like a pool Robbie.

Matt 6:01

I was gonna say, well, when you say it like that, yes, but when you said Cole Robbie, it sounded like like a professional wrestler. Here comes Cole Robbie.

Eric 6:10

Cole Robbie out of nowhere. Cole Robbie with the chair. Take a dance with chard, going for the count. Tomato off the top ropes, back out. Uh uh, uh, uh, uh sweet peas.

Matt 6:24

Yeah.

Eric 6:24

Sweet peas are very evocative. Are they? Very erotic. Their plants are very erotic. Lots of curves. What would you do to them? Pop them into my mouth. That's what I do. I bring them home. We're all just pop them right in my fucking mouth. That was so fast. Because it was because it was sincere. Because it came from the heart.

Matt 6:46

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So uh Did you get that tomato? Did you take the tomato with the cheeks? Did you take it home?

Eric 6:54

Oh, I baby, I ate that ass like it was grocery. Ooh, take that home. We will ketchup. We will we will be posting this tomato uh on the socials. Got to. Well, we but can we please can we is there can we give it like the blur, like the like, you know how like certain uh so yeah, that's my life uh is tomatoes. Tomate about it. Shut up. Tomate about it.

Intro

Matt 7:47

Or welcome originally to You Didn't Ask for This. It is the podcast that answers life's least pressing questions, and my name is Matthew Shea.

Eric 7:56

My name is Eric Poach, and I'm realizing now I should have said something something Marissa Tomey to.

Matt 8:02

Nice that would have been Marissa Tome of all the actors to pull that you actually know, you pull out Marissa Tomei. I mean, I mean listen, no shade to Marissa Tomei.

Eric 8:14

I'm gonna say Marissa Tomei is not a bad pull. You should know the woman, but I'm saying you do? Yeah, man. Like you do. My cousin Vinny, formative movie.

Matt 8:26

I mean, for many of us, yes. Yeah, well, I'm I'm glad once again that you had a productive uh time on the farm.

Eric 8:34

Yes.

Matt 8:35

I I'm sorry, I I was trying to work this in naturally. There's no way to do it. We have to talk about your clothing. We we have to we have to talk about your your clothing. Right before we hit record, folks, I looked at Eric's um my slutty little outfit. Yes, yes. I um I I'm just looking at Eric's chest, almost bare chest, but I I noticed he's got the pullback of a hoodie. Of a hood. And I said, Are you wearing a hoodie without a shirt underneath? And he said, All day, baby. Just what I put on this morning.

Eric 9:13

Yeah, yeah. You're you're like, why are you just wearing a hoodie and no shirt? I was like, because that's what I put on when I got out of bed this morning.

Matt 9:22

And I said, I was I was visibly aghast, and then you you you said something that it took my brain a moment to compute it. You you ran errands.

Eric 9:37

I ran errands like this.

Matt 9:39

I zipped it up a little. Like it was like I'm actually. I don't know how to tell you this. You moved out of Dundalk, okay? Take the boy out of Dundalk. Eric, you're trash. Okay.

Eric 9:52

Do you want to see my full do you want to see my full outfit?

Matt 9:54

Yeah, actually, yes, I do. I want to see what horrific garment is on your legs.

Eric 9:59

I've got the the hoodie, but then I've got but then I've got my puma shorts.

Matt 10:03

Okay.

Eric 10:04

So these are just and then uh Yeah, in case you want to do some athletics. And then some long, long, long black socks.

Matt 10:13

And I'm just gonna assume you were wearing shoes that I'm just gonna throw this out there. Chucks with holes in them? New balances with holes in them.

Eric 10:25

Uh yes. I couldn't I knew I wasn't all wrong. Uh yeah, so this is this is this is this is a look. This is me. This is me on a Matt that I'm not, I swear to God, I'm not trying to work the farm in every fucking angle, but like truly, since I've started working with her, my fucks to give about what I wear on days I'm not doing a bunch of manual labor has just plummeted.

Matt 10:47

I'm just like I'm just saying I can see in a future, a couple years from now, um I'm walking through a store with my child where I'm holding his hand, I'm explaining the world to him. He sees you, he says, Daddy, what is that? And I have to say, that's a dirt bag, son.

Eric 11:07

That's someone who's given up, son. Repeat after me, son. Rock by repeat after me. End of their rope. Hanging on by thread, he is.

Matt 11:22

Oh man. Well, this has been a lovely little intro to the show, hasn't it, just but Eric, I do think we need to get to some questions. We should, and we have uh we have an interesting vector in that we have one vector. Well, we had uh we have somebody who left a message on the thought line, and I uh promised that if we heard from somebody on the thought line, we would dig into it. So let's just jump right in.

The Spamming of the Thoughtline

Zack Deuce 11:51

Matthew! Eric Zaki! I heard that you needed uh people to call us online because Matt was pleading with them. Probably because I guess it on two of your episodes scared them all away. Listening. Here he is, giving you a message. Everything is I watched the whole original series. And how he being a force was not able to vocalize with like him and like not much question but theory and toys. Until they learn it. We've seen it with one multiple thing. We've seen it with even seen it with forty who would think he was trash, not realizing he was a toy. In the toy free uh Christmas special, toy three that a warrior, they were toy because they hadn't even played with yet, and no one had explained to them. They are what they are until they are toys. And if that is the case, who was the first toy to let every other toy know that they are our boys. I don't know if that makes sense. I've been drinking. It actually.

Matt 14:05

Well, thank you, Zach. And first of all, obviously you're the Kirk for me. Yeah, you're doing a Captain Kirk uh voice. Uh it's uh again, it's the next generation that you guys want me to watch. I I did a whole bonus episode on the the original series there. Uh, you know, I guess Zach's not listening to all this bonus content. Um, but this is an interesting theory that we should discuss. I mean, I do feel like we got an oh, sorry, there's like a red blinking light here. What's this about?

Zack Deuce 14:34

Um Matthew, Eric, back again. Why is no one else calling the thumbline? You gosh darn it! Give out the number, Eric. Why aren't you saying the number? Say it. Anyway, in the world of Jim Henson, are you a very manly Muppet? Or are you a Muppet of a Man? Discuss and figure it out. Bye.

Eric 15:03

Okay, all right. So we got a we got a double whammy. We got double okay. So Zach been putting in shift at the thought line factory.

Matt 15:10

Shift in at the thought line, the old TL. And so, okay, so first we've got that the the his bullseye theory to discuss. Yes. And this is what we're talking about with the thought line. You can call and just have us disc a point of discussion. Yeah. We will discuss, like the philosophers of old, um, the the this toy sentient timeline theory.

Eric 15:34

Call the thought line at 410-929-5329. Very good, Eric.

Matt 15:39

Very good. Well referenced from your phone. And so and so uh, and then uh are you uh Muppet of a Man or am I a man of a Muppet? A man of a Muppet. Um okay, Eric. So I think we should go probably in order. Yes. So we've got the um the bullseye theory.

Zack Deuce 16:03

Matthew, Eric Zach, it's been so long. He hasn't. But anyway, I don't know when you're using it. Question for you. If you could legally marry one inanimate object in your house, but it would immediately gain the personality of your least favorite co-worker. What object would you marry? And why? We'll all be listening. Especially your significant others. I I mean, this is all for entertainment. Bye-bye.

Eric 16:44

I fucking love drunk, unhinged Zachy D on the thought line. I mean, I love I love that he's driving it like he stole it. A hundred percent. This is for anyone wondering, this is the vibe. This is the vibe.

Matt 17:00

Just uh just give it up, Zach. Zachy D.

Eric 17:04

Zachy D. Zach E D, the drunk dialer for me. The drunk dialer for me. The thought line bandit.

Matt 17:11

One day, one day, I uh the Thyway man. I'm not committing any sort of timeline to this because God knows my time is not what it used to be. But I am saying one day we are gonna we, and it will be a Patreon privilege, we're gonna release a supercut of just all the things Zachy D is for me.

Eric 17:38

I love that. Yeah. Yeah, it's good.

Matt 17:43

Put that one up on the fridge. Put it up on the fridge. Thank you very much. Now, um, the okay, so we've got three voicemails. Solid gold we've got voice males. We've got the bullseye theory, the the man of Muppet or man, Muppet of Man, and the third one is what inanimate object would we marry and then as or and then as soon as you marry it, it assumes the personality of your least favorite co-worker.

Eric 18:16

Okay. We can work with this, Zachary. Oh, we can we can cook with what you have laid down at our feet. 100%. So uh shall we dive right into to bullseye? It seem uh it seemed like you had a thought busting to get out. I I did because I love I it I I Zach wasn't.

Matt 18:36

Well, it wasn't busting very hard.

Eric 18:38

It was mostly uh tapping at the door, no stuttering its way out, busting all over me. It was cause that we have no tomato in the past there. The nuance of what you were describing, Zach, i is not lost on me. Um and like, yeah, I it from what if thought number one, from what we can tell, yes, all toys start off uh thinking that they are the thing they are embodying. But I s I will say though, I struggle with some things like Mr. Potato Head. He I think he might this this might be he might have come out the gate uh knowing he was because there wasn't like a Mr. Potato Head IP.

Matt 19:27

There wasn't like and I think I think also that's yes, that that's a great point. Like there was no show he's based on, which is like Buzz's problem, is like he's coming out with this personality. I would think that Woody probably also came out like Buzz did, originally thinking he was a toy, or originally thinking he was Woody the Cowboy, and put it together pretty quickly. He's got a string coming out of his back. Yes, it's a bit uh obvious, but I think the if there were to be a toy that is the spirit guide enlightening people, this is the exact alley I want to go down. It's definitely Woody. Woody would be the person who's like, let me hold your hand, Dante, as I walk you through hell.

Eric 20:15

Oh, and you know what? That I I subscribe to that theory too, because if you think about it, Woody is of a class of toy that is probably fast-tracked for the realization because he has the pull string and voice box. Yes, you know what I mean? Like Buzz, he's got like his whole schema allows him to hand wave away because it's like, oh, my communicator isn't working.

Matt 20:37

As far as an anime a toy based on an animated character goes, because Buzz itself is is animated, is my understanding, despite that Chris Evans movie. Uh my understanding is original canon is like, oh, it's just an animated TV show, and here are the toys. In that respect, he's he's very realistic to his meta.

Eric 21:03

The verisimilitude of his world is is is easily maintained. The Vison 10 of his toy box, girl go on, girl go on.

Matt 21:13

The it's all there, it's all picture bottles, it's all right there on the Dr. Bronner's soap bottle. The dramaturgy presents itself, but then you've got Rex. I don't think Rex in any capacity thought he was an actual T-Rex.

Eric 21:29

No, he he yeah, because like yeah, and that's the thing with Rex. Rex didn't Rex doesn't have an and and you'll pardon me, a dinosaur accent of any kind. You know what I mean? Like there's no suggestion that he's ever like thought he was a dinosaur. He came out the gate while a Sean.

Matt 21:49

And that's why I want to go back to Potato Head for just a second, because you know, when you have Don Rickles as your voice actor, you pulled a Rickles, you pulled There's no way that like a a guy who sounds speaks and and thinks like that is gonna be naive enough to think he is a real thing. And to your point, Mr. Potato Head is like a true out and out toy.

Eric 22:20

Toy. He was a toy from the game. And and I was thinking about this. It'd be like a Rubik's Cube.

Matt 22:25

If a Rubik's Cube was a character on this show, on this. Yeah. But like what could they think that they are?

Eric 22:35

Yeah. I like like they they they've gotta know. And where do they talk from? Where are the eyes on the Rubik's Cube? They move. They m oh they can alternate. Oh, dude, how fucked up would it be if the Rubik's Cube like couldn't solve itself?

Matt 22:52

Do you know what it broke? Where are the eyes? They're all eyes.

Eric 22:57

They're all fucking eyes.

Matt 22:58

Every single tile is an eye.

Eric 23:00

Oh my god. And the eye cannot see itself. No. So therefore he cannot solve himself.

Matt 23:06

He's seeing in th he's seeing in all directions except corners. Brother. I I and that means half that means one fourth of his vis or one uh I guess eighth helped me with math.

Eric 23:20

It the Rubik's Cube, it's it is it's a cube. It's cube. Is it it's it's five by five? Yeah, it has to be because that way it has a center.

Matt 23:30

Six. It has six flat faces has a cube. Oh no, that's a real thing I Googled.

Eric 23:35

Six flat faces on the cube. Yes. No, sorry, five pixels per face.

Matt 23:39

A sixth of his vision, though, will always just be violent.

Eric 23:44

Yeah, of floor. Dude, and the other will be the ceil like And the other will be the ceiling, you're right. And I feel like each side will represent, like each color represents different aspects of his psyche. So depending on which mixed up side you're talking to, fuck Bullseye. Let's just talk about Rubik's. Let's talk about the Rubik's Cube. Bull, yeah, no, Bullseye, horse, whatever, horse. Um Rubik's Cube though. And and here's the thing too, Andy's a little kid. Yeah, well originally. Originally. Like, so let's assume if he was like introduced in the original. If he was like in the original 151, like he He's Mewtwo. He's Mewtwo. He's he's missing no. No, he's missing no. Yeah, okay. He's fucking he's he's the one you gotta do a bunch of like sketchy shit with your and walk a different path, and then you you unlock Rubik's Cube scenes.

Matt 24:40

Yeah, you're out on that fucking ocean for a while to get him.

Eric 24:43

Oh dog, but like Andy in in the first movie, Andy's a little kid, and this is before internet was massively available to everyone. That and and think of every kid you knew who had a Rubik's Cube growing up. Like of Andy's age in the first movie, no one was solving. No one was like, like you mix it once they they see so so the Rubik's Cube cannot solve itself. Andy cannot solve the Rubik's Cube.

Matt 25:08

I think like this dude is just in constant constant Charlie Day at the red string board from Always Sunny. Yeah, like yes. Constant. He's he is a labyrinth onto himself.

Eric 25:22

He is the prepper of the toys. No, I don't think he's the prepper. I know I think he's like he's on a different wavelength. I think he like he is he is becoming cosm he is on the cusp of realizing that he's in a Pixar movie.

Matt 25:36

Yes, he's cosmically aware, is what I think you were about to say. Cosmically aware. If any of the toys smoked, it would be Rubik's Cube. Oh my god. Also, I don't think he has a mouth. No, I don't think he can talk. I think he can only see and only know.

Eric 25:55

Oh my God.

Matt 25:58

He's always the reason you never see him on screen is he is just tucked away in some corner, just sides like they keep Eric, they keep him in like a cupboard or something so he can be in darkness, so he can know peace. Oh my god. That's why we never see him. He'll he'll and he's gonna bust out because as we all know, six sides to a cube. So he is gonna come out in Toy Story Six as the main villain.

Eric 26:29

That is, we we get the reveal. It is it is like Jar Jar is the key to everything, like but for Toy Story. He wants to hunt down and kill Rubik. Yeah. What was I made? Once he's like reached ascension, because once he solves himself, yeah, it's all over.

Matt 26:49

There's gonna be a cover of Billy Eilish's What Was I Made For, but it'll be by Creed.

Eric 26:59

No, no, no. Uh uh. No problem.

Matt 27:04

That was more, Bruce. Honestly.

Eric 27:05

I'm six sides to the edge. And I'm thinking maybe a cute sides has six head.

Matt 27:16

It just has six sides.

Eric 27:17

Solve me now. I'm five turns from the end, and I'm thinking maybe six sides is too many sides. I this does each crazy. Oh, let me hit you with this sub theory within the sub theory. Let's get to it. Each side of the Rubik's Cube is its own entity, no personality. But because they're all mixed up, they've convinced themselves that they are one being.

Matt 27:50

Oh, okay. That I was about to say, not just a physical side. You saying the colors, the like the colors. So if they align, if you solve the Rubik's Cube, all six characters six characters in search of author.

Eric 28:05

Yeah, exactly. They reach, they reach absolute bound. And the key here is all alike in dignity, all searching for God. In fair toy story, where we lay our scene. Yes. Yep, same syllables. Cool. Oh man. Uh yeah. Yeah, dude. Yeah. So there you go, Zach. I feel like we cooked on that one. What more can I say? Solve that.

Matt 28:32

Solve that. Spun to perfection. Now, Eric, uh, again, are you a Muppet of a Man or a Man of a Muppet? That was the question. Yeah. Yes.

Eric 28:43

Um 28 seconds, so we could listen to it again if you wanted, but I I would be honored to consider myself a Muppet of a Man. You are a Muppet of a Man. I am a Muppet of a Man. I'm I I've been told on multiple occasions throughout my life that I am a quote walking cartoon character. Yeah. Uh uh I'll tell it to you again for free. I it thank you. Because if I was a man of a Muppet, I would just be the most like you know how the there's that one Muppet that does the news that looks like the most like a per like avenue Q Muppet. Like an avenue Q, some other words is like I I would just be that, but like even more. And those are the least cool Muppets.

Matt 29:29

Avenue Q, I said Avenue Q Muppet. That's not true. It's just a puppet. Avenue Q puppet. You have to be of Jim Henson copyright to be a Muppet. Yes. Yes, correct.

Eric 29:40

Yeah, that's what I thought. Um, so therefore, I I I like where I'm at in my life personally, I think I am a Muppet of a Man. I think I I I think I I like to think that my childlike wonder and whimsy manifest in Muppet-like energy. I do think that's true. Through my ex-like that's just I I I think that's a good way to be.

Matt 30:02

If you're gonna be like anyone, be the Muppet. If that's how you're defining it, I think I also am a Muppet of a Man rather than a man of a Muppet. Yeah. If you were a man of a Muppet, you'd just be Sam the Eagle. And that's what that's what I interpreted it as.

Eric 30:18

Yeah.

Matt 30:18

Of what you were saying. Like I would just be. You think I'm Sam the Eagle? No. You think I'm Sam the Eagle?

Eric 30:27

No, I think you're I think uh you're Statler and I'm Waldorf. Eric, that's high praise. Anytime, oh brother, brother, yeah, we we we stay Statler and Waldorf.

Matt 30:40

I uh first of all, Statler and Waldorf, it should come as no surprise to literally anyone, are as a collective my favorite Muppet.

Eric 30:47

Correct. Without without a doubt. Oh, uh see, also tied tied with for me, Dr. Bunts and Honeydew.

Matt 30:55

I feel as though if I were to I feel like my person I feel like me personally, I am not Gonzo and not Rizzo, but I'm Gonzo and Rizzo. You would you would be in their crew. I feel as though I I am the amalgamation of this concept.

Eric 31:15

Oh, so you're you're uh you're a a Rizzo sun and a and a Gonzo rising. Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, I got you. Whatever gets me out of this.

Matt 31:27

Yikes. Yep. Yeah, can you believe yeah, retrograde?

Eric 31:35

Um, it is is piggy in retrograde. Oh wait. Sweet Swedems in retrograde. Oh, always. Oh, if I was a Muppet though, I'd be Sweetems.

Matt 31:51

Uh maybe, yeah. I think you got a little bit of uh animal in there as well.

Eric 31:55

Oh high praise. Animal basically has plot armor. I I I I love that.

Matt 32:02

Yeah, I mean he oh, they all have plot armor, but but yeah. They're Muppets.

Eric 32:08

And the Sesame Street characters qualify as Muppets, yes. Oh, 100%. Yes, they are just like the Fraggles are Muppets. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The fragles. 100%. Okay, uh the gelings are Muppets. The Labyrinth guys. The Labyrinth, the Labyrinth guys, the labyrinth crew. You mean Jareth, the Goblin King, and the Goblins, and Sir Didymus, and Ludo, and Hoggle, and the worm, and the door guys?

Matt 32:37

I mean the characters from Labyrinth, yes, that's what I mean. And the bog of eternal stench.

Eric 32:43

No, the bog of eternal stench is not a Muppet. Okay. That's a set. Alright. Okay. It's a set that has rocks in it that rise up that are operated by Puppeteers. So, no, but like who's counting?

Matt 32:55

Eric, I saw this film exactly one time, and it was with you in the helping hands in a college dorm freshman year.

Eric 33:06

And the fire gang?

Matt 33:08

That would have been 2008 that I saw this film. Which is too old for it to have been a core memory of my childhood, and too long ago for me to really remember anything about it.

Eric 33:22

Are you saying it's not fair? Nope. Matt, I date Alyssa Forsyth. I see Labyrinth, I shit you not, once a month. At least we were listening to the fucking soundtrack on vinyl while we played D D last night. Yeah, but okay, you chose that life. But your eyes can be so cruel. Yes, yes, I can see.

Matt 33:48

Saying you listen to the soundtrack is just you're listening to a David Bowie album. That's fine. That's great. So who would be a man of a Muppet? If we're both Muppet of a Man, who is a man of a Muppet?

Eric 34:07

A man of a Muppet is I think like the news anchor guy. Like he just looks like a guy. He's like a Muppet of some guy with like like in a suit and tie, and like he's got like.

Matt 34:18

I I hear what you're saying. What I'm saying is like, if if the question, as I understood it, was are we Matt Eric? Are we a man of a Muppet or a Muppet of a Man? We're Muppet of a Man. We're Muppet. Who in the world is a man of a mupp?

Eric 34:33

Man of a Muppet? Oh. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. RFK Jr. comes to mind. We're discussing the kind of person you would look at just dead ass and be like, you fucking Muppet.

Matt 34:47

You fucking Muppet, which is a great British insult that they actually say, and I fucking love it. Yeah.

Eric 34:54

What? You egg? They just have so much, they just talk better than us. They they really do. It's like they came up with this shit. Who is a man of a Muppet? Dog the bounty hunter. Dog. Oh, honest to God though, and this is with no shade to him. Uh, Tiny Tim. Oh, Tiny Tim. Tragic story. That is a man trying to be. That is like a man trying to be a Muppet. No, sorry. That is a Muppet who was born as a man. That's what Tiny Tim is. Yeah. Yeah. He has a very tragic story, though. Oh my god. His story. Well, I know his death was super tragic. Very tragic. Very sad. Very, very tragic. Very tragic. His last words were, I'm not okay. No. Well, it was probably more like, I'm not okay.

Matt 35:45

Matthew. Sorry. Muppet has died. I'm sorry, Tiny Tim.

Eric 35:50

Who else? Who else?

Matt 35:52

He wasn't very tiny, also, when he died because of the drugs and everything. No. He was a very, very large man.

Eric 35:58

He was also very tall. He was a very tall, large man. That's very large. Very, very, very large man. Andre the Giant. Yeah. Oh, good. He's this he's our sweetums. He's our sweetums.

Matt 36:10

That's a good choice.

Eric 36:12

Uh uh Pee Wee Herman.

Matt 36:14

Okay. And that actor's name is what, Eric? Paul Rubens. Very good. I would say Pee Wee Herman is a man of a Muppet. Yes. Paul Rubens. Muppet of a man. Muppet of a man.

Eric 36:27

I would also John Waters. John Waters.

Matt 36:31

I'm actually gonna I'm gonna say uh Man of a Mupp or Muppet of a Man on that.

Eric 36:36

Muppet of a Man, yes. Yes, embodies fancifulness. Groucho Marks. Oh, man of a Muppet. I think so. I think so.

Matt 36:46

That feels right.

Eric 36:47

Yeah. He looks like he looks like a Muppet trying to pat like disguise themselves as a human.

Matt 36:54

Charlie Chaplin as the little tramp. Muppet of a man. Muppet of a man. No, no, no. Man of a muppet. I'd say that.

Eric 37:01

Man of a Muppet?

Matt 37:02

Yeah. As the little tramp.

Eric 37:04

As the little tramp, not as the great dictator.

Matt 37:07

Not as his himself.

Eric 37:09

None of that. Buster Keaton. While we're on, like, you know. Buster Keaton. Ah, I'd say I would say, I would say a man of a Muppet because he is a he is he is hurt himself so many times, so many ways. He is legitimately a person made of flesh and blown uh flesh of flesh and blown. I can't keep it up with him. I'll tell you what he is. He's just a man. He's just a man, but who treat who treats himself like a Muppet. Oh yes. Who does Muppet ass antics with Muppet software, human hardware?

Matt 37:49

He treats himself like a puppet, I'd say. Because a puppet less revered than a Muppet, less personality, I'd think, than a Muppet. Disposable in some capacities.

Eric 38:01

He he's a marionette. He's a marionette of a dancing wooden boy. That's now is there anyone who's the Muppets Muppet? You know what I mean?

Matt 38:12

Now we're getting to it.

Eric 38:13

Now we're digging where there's table.

Matt 38:14

Eric, real quick follow-up question.

Eric 38:16

What does that mean? The mup I want to know. It's like if some if someone's gonna make the claim and it can't be Kermit, you're it's like your favorite Muppet's favorite Muppet? Like the Muppet the Mu the the Ur Muppet. Your favorite Muppet's favorite Muppet. The the the the the Alpha and the Omega Muppet. Is it Rizzo? I think it is.

Matt 38:48

Because uh here's how I got there.

Eric 38:50

I thought that walk walk me through the park.

Matt 38:53

I thought Gonzo could be I could see Kermit saying Gonzo was his favorite Muppet. And then I thought, well, I could see a lot of the Muppets saying Gonzo's their favorite Muppet, and I could see a lot of people saying Gonzo's their favorite Muppet. So like favorite Muppets favorite Muppet, who's Gonzo's favorite Muppet? Rizzo. Rizzo. Rizzo, dog. It was always Rizzo. They were here before us, they were here after us, the rats. It's just true. The rat, the rat, the Muppets Shall Inherit. There is a book that I saw in a bookstore once and desperately wish I bought. I'm gonna buy it when I find it again someday. I could order it, of course, but I'd rather run into it again. It feels appropriate to run into it. And I believe the title of this book is Rat, a biography of the world's most notorious rodent. Oh, I want to read that. And I feel like I desperately want to read it. Yeah. Uh, but um, I wish I got it the day uh the day I got it. But I saw in a bookstore where I also they had some rare books and they had a first edition of 1984. And I was trying to and I was trying to haggle with this person who wanted $400 for it. And and I said, I am prepared to give you $250. I am that's good.

Eric 40:11

I am prepared.

Matt 40:12

And they said the price is $400, and I was like, I I can't, I can't do it. And also Lindsay was there and was like, you can't do it.

Eric 40:20

Yeah, you have a son.

Matt 40:22

You can't. It wasn't, it was, it was years before the sun. But now, now I would not do it. Now I would not, now I would not do it.

Eric 40:30

How did we get here? How did we get here? I'll tell you how a man and ended with I just couldn't do it. I just couldn't. So I wanted to buy the rat hook. Listen, uh, can we also I I just remember this too? Can we also just to circle back to Zach Zachy D's? We do have one more question from him. Oh, I know. Uh uh just an interlude. Ooh, an interlude. Zachy D's. This is a new segment. New Zachary. The interlude. Um interlude. Was it was Zach's delivery also not giving some hairy carry? Like a little like there was a little bit of Hey Oh there was a little bit of Will Farrell's hair.

Matt 41:14

Yeah, yes, yes. That is, that is Hi. Have you ever noticed?

Eric 41:20

Kermit was made out of spare ribs, would you eat him? Simple question. Simple question, Jack. Um, that's all. Uh and that is and no further discussion. That's how the interlude works. That's how the that's how the that's how the interlude worked. I start it, but you at any time go, and and and there is no further discussion. It's ended. That is how interlude balance ended. Go in peace.

Matt 41:48

Yes. Uh the the okay. So the third question, if I remember it correctly, was if there was an inanimate object you would marry, but the second you do so, it embodies the personality of your least favorite co-worker. Yes. What would you marry? Eric, tomato fucker, what comes to mind for you?

Eric 42:19

Local man is known tomatoes biblically. Here's who you would marry. Um, I would so I'm gonna say my least favorite co-worker, I'm actually gonna pull because again, not to keep riding the farm's dick. But I I love all my co-workers there, they're all phenomenal. Um well then why don't you go with your past employer? That's what I'm gonna say. I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, like, I'm gonna I'm gonna pull from the pool of like uh co-workers of all time. There's a pretty sizable stretch from one one particular employer there. This is so mean. Matt, it's mean. I'm gonna say it though. Okay, I'm ready. I'm ready to receive it. This is this is mean, but this is also a fun theoretical question. I would marry a copy of the Book of Mormon. Okay. So that way one of my former bosses, who was a Mormon and one of the most terrible people I've ever met, so I can marry him, and I would never commit an act of domestic violence against my book husbando. But what I would do is leave his ass in a seedy hotel room drawer for the rest of his days.

Matt 43:37

That's pretty good, Eric. Yeah. That's pretty good. I wish you didn't bring the the that domestic violence of your f your your inanimate spouse into it, because that kind of fucks my idea.

Eric 43:48

Oh, so you were you're gonna Oh, sorry, bro. Uh I didn't know you were you were you're gonna tee up a little bit of the old D V D V against some object.

Matt 44:00

I well, I didn't think of it that way. I thought of it's what I thought. Here's what I thought of. I thought of a Faberget egg because it very it's gorgeous, gorgeous. I could you're attracted to a Faberget egg. You want a Fabriger egg.

Eric 44:15

Yeah, I desire it in my hands.

Matt 44:17

So I could see myself courting a Fabroger egg. And then once we're in holy matrimony with the egg, Fabergoni, I believe it's called, then it embodies the personality of this coworker I'm thinking of. Uh-huh. I could see myself going, oh, this glistening thing is just rotten to the core. I'm gonna toss it in the air, swing that baseball bat, and watch it be obliterated. And that'd feel very good. But now you've you've made me feel as if this is a person. I have no matter how small.

Eric 44:56

No, no, no. I have good news, Matt. It's not a DV, it's just murder. You're a murderer. Thank God. Thank God that is a relief.

Matt 45:11

Murder goes right back to funny. Right back to proper humor. Yeah, I mean, because when you bring in the least favorite coworker angle to it, yours is good. You can leave in the CD Hotel. And you just, man, you just pulled it out.

Eric 45:26

Yeah, but Matt, uh so I do wanna, we should re we should quickly revisit this question because I feel like Zach asked it in a spirit. Because we immediately took it to how do I most immediately destroy or abandon my new object spouse? Right.

Matt 45:42

And in fairness, Zach now I think he asked it after a spirit. Thank you. I thought that was gonna be the uh but um I did think it was gonna be that, but okay.

Eric 45:58

Um Luigi. Oh yeah, always keep that arrow in the quiver, Matt. Um, so no, no, no, no. What I was gonna say, what I think the spirit that that Zach was asking us in, if you had to marry an inanimate object, then live with it like almost sitcom style, but as the the person like you can't, you can't just gotta live with it. Yeah. Um, and fabricide it. No. Uh so still my least favorite co-worker, I would uh buy a Roomba and then marry that, so then my my my co-worker spouse could do something useful for once in his life.

Matt 46:40

Oh, interesting. You just want your coworker spouse to be an indentured servant.

Eric 46:47

No, no, no, no, no, no. Indentured means he had a chattel. Working on your schedule. Yeah, he is no, he's he is he is a chattel roomba. Nice. He is uh uh I I I hold dominion over him. It's not a hate crime if it's a roomba, Matt. No, god no, no, and I would take graveily, we would chat, and anytime he pissed me off, I just like throw some random shit on the floor.

Matt 47:13

And in that respect, I could also see a pooper scooper. Ooh, first of all, you it lives outside. First of all, you're sitting outside, yeah, a shed if you're lucky, and then when it comes time to for you to do your job, I'm literally throwing your face right in shit. I love that dog shit, no less.

Eric 47:37

I've maybe it's and for anyone listening, there's like Jesus Christ, or so we have exchanged many off-mike on god stories at the moment where I know what Matt's got, what demons he has lurking in his past.

Matt 47:52

I've got some stories that you won't hear on the public sphere.

Eric 47:56

God knows Matt has heard some of my nightmare stories from Job's past.

Matt 48:00

Off Mike on God sometimes has been its own podcast.

Eric 48:04

Oh my god. Oh Mike, off Mike on God.

Matt 48:09

Now, Eric, I think we've answered Zach's questions. Yeah. And this is the kind of service you get if you spam the thought line. No, yeah. We'll we'll go in. We'll give you a whole episode.

Eric 48:21

I've to your drunken whimsy. Yes. Fucking get do some do some like mescaline. Call us at four in the morning. Like, and if you're off on an ayahuasca tour, you know, in the Andes or something, and you know, and your shaman is cool with it, give us a dial. If you've been force-fed Malord on a dock or something, you just call us up with your thoughts. If you're surrounded by self-replicating machine elves, you may be entitled to compensation.

Matt 48:56

Oh, Eric, you classic dog, you now listen.

Eric 49:01

Yeah.

Bit Crit

Matt 49:03

Uh, we got a closing segment here. Um, the you don't know what you don't know about it. No clue. And this is this is nice because there have been a series of closing segments in recent memory that that uh that I didn't know about because Yeah you got to you got to Yeah, just uh lay back on Easy Street and let you uh let you come up with the goods. And so this there's a little bit of a backstory here. Oh. Okay. Some time ago, like four-ish years ago, maybe at this point. Okay, I made uh a video on the old TikTok. I made a TikTok of like criticize like I there was a bit that I thought was really funny. Uh so I like I went hyper in on like uh analyzing the bit and like why it was funny. And then I made a second one in this series that I called uh so you made a video analyzing the bit that you did that was funny and no, that I saw like I had another video that I was like pulling apart and being like, oh, this is good. And then in my head, I was always gonna get back to this series, which I was gonna call Bitcrit, where I critique and grade people's bits that they would give to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I recently saw another creator uh is doing a similar thing, and I thought, oh, he stole my idea, even though I haven't acted on it in again like four years, and also he's probably not the only one, uh, neither am I. But I then thought to myself, hold on a second, I got a podcast, and I have a a brother in Bit Dum that would love to grade some bits. Oh, Eric, I have a list of, I believe, 12 bits that I have sourced from the internet, some of which have been from the comment section of that very creator's videos. I don't uh I you know, great artists steal. Uh and so I thought about mixing in some of my own personal bits, but I haven't. So this is the debut you daft segment that I like to call bitcrit. Bitcrit. What what are your thoughts on it, Eric? Before we even get in, thoughts on the premise.

Eric 51:30

I love a dissection. I know you do. Like I love a praxis. Do do do reflect, reflect, reflect.

Matt 51:40

And I want to say, I picked these at uh at random. So we're grading other people. I think so. I think so. And I think I think I think letter grades are good. Yeah, okay, okay.

Eric 51:50

I don't think standard A through F.

Matt 51:52

Standard A thing.

Eric 51:53

Pluses and minuses?

Matt 51:54

Oh, yeah. Okay. And what I mean by random is like I didn't just go for like the best bits I could find. Did you Google the word bit and just like I did a selection of things. I went through various Reddits about ask like ask Reddits of like what are your favorite bits? Yeah. And I pulled some out. Okay. Uh, I did that in several other things. I went with bit related Instagrams and went to the comments section where people were just saying, like, I do this shit. So like uh okay. I went hither and yon. And Matt and Because if we like this, you you could take the reins on the next one.

Eric 52:30

I I I will say this. You have the advantage of coming in totally cold. I source. Yes. I I'm coming in totally cold. And as someone who's who learned about the existence of this segment a minute ago now. Yes, sir. Um, I I just want to say uh Oh, you've got criticism from your current? No, no, no. Here is the uh sort of criteria I'm gonna be looking for today. I'm gonna be looking at longevity of the bit, how sustainable is the bit over time. I'm gonna be looking at um appropriateness to the moment of the bit, reading the room, so to speak. I'm gonna be looking at uh use of space, use of cultural zeitgeist. Yes, I think this is the energy I want us coming out of. I this is this is how I want to uh kind of approach my judgment today, and I wish all the contestants best of luck.

Matt 53:21

Thank you, Eric. Our first bit um is stepping up to the podium now. When someone drops something that makes a huge noise, like a waiter dropping a tray of glasses, say, wait, did you guys hear something?

Eric 53:38

That is good. That is good. Um I this is funny. I this is funny. I would give this would be a B for me. This would be this would be a solid B like I am I'm ple like I because uh you almost want to expect a bog standard like over rare, like whoa, or someone going, oh but the the the turning on its head.

Matt 54:02

This one I I agree with a B and I solid B, not B plus, not B minus. And the reason I feel this way is because this is what I like to call a rotational bit. Yes. Like you need to pull this bit out precisely when it has been long enough that everyone has forgotten you've done it before.

Eric 54:22

If you do it every this is where you do it every restaurant, it's not gonna be fun. No, you will become quickly insufferable.

Matt 54:28

No, you have to do it maybe once a year, maybe. Yeah. Honestly, this could be this is one you put in the deep freeze, maybe, and pull out when only when the noise is loud enough and like stuns the room into silence.

Eric 54:46

Uh it reminds me, Matt, of a of a bit I saw uh one of my own back in one of the one of the homegrown? Yeah, one of the homegrown back uh probably started busting this one out 2016, 17. Uh, someone someone fumbles something, someone just absolutely beefs it. Not like hurting themselves, but they trip, they drop something that you know they recover low stakes, and but it's like in front of everyone. I just immediately turn to them in a stage whisper. I'm like, don't worry, no one saw. That's good. That's good. That's good. It it it it lets some air out of the room. So I I let that to all that to say I like the energy of this bit, I give it a B. Now, I'd like to say where it comes. Uh I'd like to see how it advances in the future.

Matt 55:31

Uh yeah, I'm I'm with you on a B. These next two are a bit related in a way. Okay. Huh? Huh? Huh? Whenever I see a city or a country in a photograph or a film that is obviously not Paris, I always like to sigh and say, ah, Paris. Perhaps ah Paris.

Eric 55:54

Ah ah. Ah so ah Paris. And this it will hinge on delivery, but if they're refining it that much, I have to assume like this. This is a well thought out. I would call this uh my first.

Matt 56:11

This would be like an A-I was gonna say, I feel like it's an A-cause this is a good bit that could keep coming. This even when it gets annoying, this is only I roll territory.

Eric 56:21

Yeah, yes, yes, yes. This is this is, and that's that's one of the biggest strengths of this bit is that it is inoffensive. Like, you know what I mean? It is it is not like there's no risk reward vector. No one's expense. Yes, yes, yes, yes. There's no obnoxiousness to it. It's like a party.

Matt 56:40

And and the one related to this is whenever somebody posts a photo of them in front of an obviously recognizable landmark, i.e. the Eiffel Tower, Stonehenge, the pyramids, etc., ask, great picture. Where was it taken? Yeah. I I think I disagree on this one, Eric. Yeah, this this doesn't hit for you. I I feel like I feel like it's a one and dunner.

Eric 57:11

Like it is, it is a one and done. Per audience member. This is not one you can do the same person. If that odd if that person is present in front of another, you can't do this. One of those, like you, this has to be like a magic. You're showing how the magic trick is done if you do this. If if if a single person witnesses this more than once, you've ruined it.

Matt 57:32

And yeah, the delivery needs to be perfect, perfectly earnest. Perfectly, and so like for those, and for those reasons, Eric, I give it a C plus. A C plus. It's a passing grade.

Eric 57:43

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, C's get degrees, Matt. C's get degrees as God. I'm God and I know it. Oh, yeah. Um, the burser as well.

Matt 57:51

Ha ha!

Eric 57:52

Hardly even know her. Um, yeah, that's right. You fucking chuckle at that. Yeah, I chuckled at that. You chuckled at that. Uh Matt, you know what it's giving? It's give it's giving Stanley Tucci an easy A, giving the famous line with the green bean in his mouth. So where are you from originally? To his adopted black son. It like that is like, ooh, he he it's because Tucci I haven't seen the film. Oh, that's very funny. It's very Stanley Tucci is is fucking amazing in that movie.

Matt 58:27

I mean, he was in the movie. The the fact that he was amazing is goes unsaid. Have you seen Tucci goes to Italy?

Eric 58:34

I've I've seen it in passing. It's very fun, it's very, it's very low-key. It's just Stanley Tucci being whimsical and Stanley Tucci in Italy. Uh I would say Stanley Tucci, man of a Muppet. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Matt 58:50

Yeah, it feels right.

Eric 58:51

Um, all right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I agree with that C plus assessment.

Matt 58:55

Okay. When someone says, I'm sorry, after you explain something difficult that happened, saying, Well, it's not entirely your fault.

Eric 59:05

Very good. This is good. This is good. This is I I would say another solid B for me.

Matt 59:11

I think what I like about it is it it's not it's not a gut buster, but it it this is a utilitarian bit. It lets You can whip this out any old time. It lets the air out of a tense discussion. Yeah. It let it it's a natural segue to something else of like, oh well, it's not entirely full. Yeah. And then you're on to your next thing after you've talked about your divorce. You know, like it gets you out of it. Yeah. It gets them out of it.

Eric 59:39

And it is, it's a very uh, it is a reactional bit. It is a bit that lies in the quiver, and then it you you it's a trap card bit. You hit me with an I'm sorry, I'm hitting you with a well, it's not entirely your fault. It's not entirely your fault. That's a it's a it's a good, and that's like that this is something you could become known for. It breathes life into the bit. If they've said I'm sorry, you're teed up. Just take the shot.

Matt 1:00:04

Just yeah, like and you can run this to the point that people will be afraid to apologize to you about that concept.

Eric 1:00:12

Exactly.

Matt 1:00:12

Exactly. Because they're not in this circumstance, they're offering condolences, which is very funny. Yes. To make it annoying for someone to uh be an empath to you.

Eric 1:00:24

I would also have accepted an oh, we don't blame you.

Matt 1:00:28

That's so much better. That's so much better. Like you're now reassuring them. Um if if you do it that quick, I'm sorry. Oh, nobody blames you. Nobody blames you. That that is an A-minus. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That actually, A, it's a full letter grade up for me.

Eric 1:00:45

Air Poach once again proving his credentials.

Matt 1:00:48

Absolutely are. How about this? Try try this one on for size. Okay. Whenever I go clothes shopping, I ask the shop assistant for extra medium.

Eric 1:00:59

Oh, Matt, I am so I am such a this is this is my super bowl of of bits like that. Anachronistic measurements is is so good for me. That that is that is easily an A for me, but I want to hear your thoughts. It's an F. Really? That's your stinker.

Matt 1:01:25

It's an F because you are being a fucking dick to a service worker.

Eric 1:01:34

Yes.

Matt 1:01:34

That for me, it is like, yes, the like extra the extra medium. Like, and I have one that's sort of related to this that I feel differently about, but like this one, you you just imagine it. You're at a footlocker. Oh yeah. You're you are you're an important one. There you are in Boss Cobbs. There you are. You you got the referee jersey on, and somebody comes up to you and says, like, oh, I'd like do you have the uh the shirt in the back? Oh, yeah, what size are you looking for? Extra medium. What's your reaction?

Eric 1:02:08

I gotta divorce my wife. It's just uh you're only working at foot logger for the fucking Lord. Who did I marry? Was it a Faberget egg? I don't know anymore. Um I no, Matt, I I do wanna I do want to affirm, I want to yes and any bit done too, so I don't want a blanket statement. I don't even a prank. No, no, no. Yeah, I don't subject service workers to bits, but if it, Matt, this is the risky gambit that players take in these competitions, right? They come in, they think, you know, service workers are always there with the setup, but that's the trap. They're service workers, they have to interact with you. That's major points off. There is a way to thread that needle, but I haven't seen it here yet today.

Matt 1:03:05

I think I can show it to you with the next bit.

Eric 1:03:09

Okay.

Matt 1:03:10

It is another approaching an employee bit. I'm on my body is ready. Pulling up to a drive-thru and starting your order with sorry to bother you at work. Okay. And we are so back.

Eric 1:03:27

And we are so back.

Matt 1:03:31

I think this is an A plus. This is That is an A plus. Because they're gonna listen, that person at the drive-thru window is gonna laugh every time fucking time that is going to get away. Even if you do it to the same person, they're gonna be like, oh, this guy.

Eric 1:03:46

Oh, this guy.

Matt 1:03:48

Uh just brighten up somebody's day in the middle of a shitty, for shitty job, shitty job shift, shift job.

Eric 1:03:54

Tonally, it's brilliant. It comes from in the in the art of the scene, it you're coming from a place of supplication to the service worker, to the service worker. You're apologizing who is unseen. There is a there is a scrim between you. The only way you could be talking to them is by them doing their job at the place they work, and you're his sorry to bother you at work.

Matt 1:04:19

And it becomes like the moment of you meeting has more weight to it now when you're at the little window being like, ha, that was funny. Didn't we have a good time? No, didn't we share something today?

Eric 1:04:31

Harm was fun. It's quick. It's quick, it doesn't interrupt the flow of them doing their job at all because you're not like in the middle of an order throwing a bit at them. You're just like, here's a fun little ooh, apertif to the order, and let's go. Uh, and you can take the and Matt, this is crucial here, and this is what you know in recent competitions have been seeing this a lot. People not taking the first exit off the bit highway. That is a common mistake. And this allows you to seamlessly take the exit off the bed. Sorry to bother you at work, and then you just start ordering. Like, there you go. You take the exit, you're good. A A plus. A plus bit.

Matt 1:05:11

When someone sneezes twice in a row, responding with, we heard you the first time.

Eric 1:05:17

Uh F.

Matt 1:05:18

F.

Eric 1:05:19

All the way down to F. Okay, actually, no, D. Because D's get degrees. This is It's passing. It's passing with prejudice. I would say in a society such as ours, yeah. We are now at the point where people, I don't know, and and please call in. Tell me if I'm if I'm if I'm showing my ass here. Yeah. Showing you a tomato. People expect it now. People expect a second or third sneeze bit these days. It is expected.

Matt 1:05:54

And I do think it's funnier if it's on the third one. It's gotta be on the third one. In a row, we heard you the first like I will do something like that to my wife, but only after at in at home, after it's like four if she does if she gets on like a jag of four sneezes. Yeah, it happens. Sometimes it happens. Now, Matt, I it's rare, and I'll be like, Oh, Jesus Christ. Yeah.

Eric 1:06:24

Uh uh, I I uh I I've got a couple I will bust out. If it's on a third sneeze, if we're in like a group setting and like my my like Alyssa is is doing three sneezes somewhere off nearby, and we're like, oh bless you, bless you. As soon as she gets the third, I just turn to someone and go, I'm sorry she's like this. That's so much better. That's so much better. Like I was like, uh yeah, sorry. Uh the other one I'll do though, you and this you can bust out if but it's kind of similar to earlier. You have to be right on fucking top of it. The second someone sneezes the first time, they're like, actually, could you give me a sneeze? Just shush them. Just shush them. Just shush them like they had any control over it.

Matt 1:07:13

That is if if actually, I'm gonna uh in that respect, I'd walk back my it has to be the third one comment of if you can begin this like right at the right at the the crest of the sneeze. Yeah. Between the ah and the chew.

Eric 1:07:32

On the chew. Like we're like we're giving notes at a rehearsal. On the chew. Were you rushing or were you dragging?

Matt 1:07:43

So the on the chew, if you come in, you you just have to. Yes, you're on the queue. You have to come in with like a would you stop already? Yeah, like something way out of proportion.

Eric 1:07:58

Yeah, like you are at the end of it. Stop.

Matt 1:08:07

Oh god. Yeah, no, no. It's it's uh but just on a second one, we heard you the first time. I think it's a D.

Eric 1:08:15

It's a D. D's get degrees.

Matt 1:08:16

It's like it's passing, but like we all know what you are.

Eric 1:08:21

We we we were all expanding, you're like, yeah. Like it's someone, it's it's it's because it's a well, someone had to.

Matt 1:08:29

This makes me uh this makes me think. Um I I feel like you might have an interesting thought on these next two, same setup, okay, different line, different bit.

Eric 1:08:39

So we're still in we're oh, so we're we're still in the sneezing category.

Matt 1:08:42

No, no, no, no. Okay, I'm saying these next two share the same opener. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. When someone drops something, immediately saying that's the opener. Aha. Okay. Okay. Version one. This is like the high dive of bits. Oh, yeah, just put that anywhere.

Eric 1:09:00

Okay. Yeah, yeah. Uh that this, not a lot of people are gonna like what I have to say. This is why I'm a controversial figure in this sport. You've always been a bit of a maverick. It's a C unless it's coming from a dad, then automatic B plus. Yeah. That like, and and I want to be clear when I'm saying it's gotta come from a dad, I'm not saying it has to come from a man. But there are people figure. A father. There are there just the world has dads. People got dad energy, and you have to have dad energy to to pull up. Oh, just put that anywhere. It's a good dad joke. Yeah, it's a fine joke. It's a fine joke. Dad's dad jokes a good dad joke. It's a good dad joke. Fine joke. Most dad jokes are in that in the B range. B plus, B, B minus. That's where they live. They don't excel, they don't go beyond that. They're the beer league jokes.

Matt 1:09:57

Yeah, as a dad myself. Yeah, yeah. Please. I am the expert in the room, I feel. The in the newcomer on the street. Very specifically, this room.

Eric 1:10:06

Yeah. Yeah. This exact room.

Matt 1:10:08

The I think the reason it's in the B category is because it is just like a uh joke, most of them, but they're slightly elevated because it's dad. Because it's dad. It's either embarrassing or annoying. Or the fact that it is funny, an A plus joke said by dad in the in the child's mind, grayed down. Yeah, automatically. Yeah. It's back to a B.

Eric 1:10:36

It's as a dad, you never have to fear C or below, but you're gonna live in the B's.

Matt 1:10:41

That's all we're as a dad. You're graded on a curve. You're graded on a curve. And that's just the way it is. Now the second version.

Eric 1:10:48

Yeah. I've dropped something.

Matt 1:10:51

The media's gonna eat this up. I think similar to uh the uh similar to the wait, did you guys hear something? I think this is a rotational bit. Yes, and I think you can only do this after someone drops something that is that stuns a room into silence. Yeah. Stops a party, a record scratch.

Eric 1:11:14

And there is a beat, and then you drop it.

Matt 1:11:17

And then you say, the media's gonna eat this up. The whole room has to hear you.

Eric 1:11:21

Yes, and they will they will let you. And then it's an A plus.

Matt 1:11:25

Yes. But because then it like it brings the attention off of the person who's dropped something, it brings down you, levity, all that good stuff. But if you just pull this off for oh, the pencil rolled off the desk, F. Trying too hard.

Eric 1:11:41

Trying too hard. It's trying too hard. It's situational. It's a situational thing. It's it's situational. It has to be the it has to be the grade of this bit is inversely proportional to the magnitude of the thing dropped. Um, so pencil dropped, wait a minute, nothing, but like a fucking a fucking turkey. Yeah. Thanksgiving turkey falls off the table. You're all looking at it. Everyone shout, everyone's waiting for someone to be upset, and then you hit them with not even the dog approached the turkey yet.

Matt 1:12:18

No. Everybody's just staring at the moment.

Eric 1:12:21

Yeah.

Matt 1:12:22

Yeah.

Eric 1:12:23

Then you hit it. Then you hit it. That's good. Uh I have been known one we use in this house. This is this is one we all bus, and this is a rotational bit in that we have to uh we have to we it has to like You want me to grade this? Uh please, please, please. It has to lie sleeping for a while. Anytime we uh me, Alyssa and Pat, we are we're pretty goddamn harmonious as housemates. Like we we Seems like it. We we don't get into like arguments. We don't there's no no one's like fucking like passive aggressively like fucking like slamming a cabinet or anything or like doing Who's arguing you're already living in sin? Thank you. Like we we like everyone is supremely nobody raises their voice, nothing. But if we're like if we're like disagreeing about something or like we come to an impact and like there or there's that none of this is to say there is never like frustration or like disagreement. We have those, we we're fucking human, but like if there's like an awkward like just like no, I don't think there's I know I never and like just we we're just kind of sitting there and it's like quiet and awkward for a bit. It's it's after that, after the like within that in that little quiet awkwardness where where it's like where do we go from here? I will after a beat, I just hit him with this. Merry fucking Christmas.

Matt 1:13:52

As long as it's a sleeper, it's a sleep, it's it's gotta be a sleeper. I think that's uh uh I'm gonna say B plus.

Eric 1:14:02

Yeah, and that's and that's where it's gonna be because it may it's my main goal is just taking any awkward air out of a room.

Matt 1:14:08

Exactly. It's it's it's a utilitarian bit, it's a palate cleanser. It it is there to serve a purpose beyond just uh I think this would be really funny. It's more any humor is an afterthought because it's really a kindness, yes, it's a kindness to the moment, yes. And I like that a lot of kindness to the moment, Matt.

Eric 1:14:28

God's a kindness to the moment put that up on the fridge. Fucking put that on a bumper sticker. A kindness to the moment. I'm gonna be thinking about that for the rest of my life. Please do.

Matt 1:14:39

Kindness to the moment. Please do. Okay. I have Eric and the listeners just three more bits for you, but I do want to get to them. Hit me with saying, no thanks. I'm trying to quit. Whenever someone offers you anything you don't want. Ooh. This could be food. Yeah. This could be a trash bag to take outside.

Eric 1:14:59

Yes. That's that's my thing. I think it's best when it is an inedible thing. It's like an unconsumable thing. It's a rock, it's a trash bag, it's a lawnmower. I only like it in that respect.

Matt 1:15:14

Yes. Someone hands you a broom, like, oh, could you? Oh, actually, I'm trying to quit.

Eric 1:15:21

Uh, I have a friend who's a big fan of in the exact same vein, would use in the exact same utility. Never touch the stuff. That's great. Love a never touch stuff.

Matt 1:15:31

That's great because it's a little an anarchonistic. Is that a word?

Eric 1:15:35

Anachronistic. Anarchonistic is when something's wrong, but it's also burning down the oppressors. It's it's it's not it's not historically accurate, but it is also gonna liberate us. You're right. You're absolutely right. Oh god. Can you tell that I'm a little sleep deprived? Still. Um I will I will also, Matt, this is uh one of uh in my own personal quiver. I I want to hear your thoughts. Um, this is one I will use for things that are edible, but the the critical thing here is like here's the category of things someone. Someone's offering me a Pepsi, a slice of watermelon, some cheese, can all a piece of a lollipop. The more like the more like innocuous the thing, the better. I hit them with a oh, sorry, I've got to drive later. That, yeah. Yeah, yeah, that's good.

Matt 1:16:34

I'd say that's another B plus. Like it's a good thing.

Eric 1:16:36

Or if someone's like, that's one I'll use on a service worker. Like if someone, if I'm at the line of a movie and someone's like, oh, do you want butter on your popcorn? I'll hit them with a oh no, I gotta drive later. I gotta drive later.

Matt 1:16:45

Yeah. Because that it that goes into the drive-thru territory. Yes. Uh sorry to bother you a lot. Yes, exactly.

Eric 1:16:53

Uh, but no, I I if as it is a that is a um I'm trying to quit, is is is in the B plus to A minus territory when it is about anything that it you cannot eat or drink or consume in any way. Uh about regarding food. Yeah, it loses something. It it's a minefield. Like, cause you know, like I don't know, man. Are you gluten intolerant? Are you are you trying to cut back on sugar? Are you like like the the it very it has to be like if it's a gram cracker, hilarious. Yes, yes, that's that if if it is a saltine cracker, hilarious. A fig newton. A fig newton trying to quit. But then, but Oreo, I feel too no no no no, because then it's like a little too tongue, a little too tongue-in-cheek at that point.

Matt 1:17:50

Yeah, I I I'm with you. I agree with you.

Eric 1:17:52

Yeah, yeah.

Matt 1:17:52

Okay, two more. When someone starts talking to you, as soon as someone starts talking to you, cutting them off with just text me.

Eric 1:18:05

I this this gets a sensible chuckle from me. It gets a sensible chuckle. It me it really depends on your relationship to the person. Gotta be a good friend, gotta be something you know like because it could, if this was like a new person you were meeting for the first time, I would just think you were a dick. Oh no, you ha I'd say for a You have to have a rapport.

Matt 1:18:26

I I think this bit begins its life as a C minus.

Eric 1:18:30

Yes.

Matt 1:18:31

And depending on how you deploy this weapon, it could be like if you like let's say I'm imagining I'm in the middle of something, and maybe we've been around each other all the time. Say I'm a farmhand. Yeah. Okay. I'm on the farm.

Eric 1:18:48

Uh-huh.

Matt 1:18:49

And you, you know, so we've we know we're here. We're working, but we're on opposite fields. We're toiling different fruits and and veggies. You mean the beans, you and the chard. Yes. As it is. As it always will be. As it always will be. You you approach me. We haven't spoken in hours, but we've been around each other. And you you inhale, begin to say something, and I half look up and go, just text me.

Eric 1:19:17

That would be fucking hilarious. That would that would be a an a hydrogen bomb of a bit. That would kill that would slay.

Matt 1:19:25

But it I mean, the tight rope you gotta walk with this for this to be perfect.

Eric 1:19:30

Yeah, it is, it is a high risk, high reward bit. High risk, high reward bit. You've gotta stick the landing. You gotta stick the big thing. You've gotta stick the landing.

Matt 1:19:39

This is an you know, and this is an this is why we classify this as an expert only bit.

Eric 1:19:44

Yes. Uh it is not for amateurs.

Matt 1:19:46

This is a black diamond bit. This is a black diamond bit, double black diamond. Double black diamond, dare I say. And you know, if you can tackle this and you can ride it just right, yep. That's what can that's what's gonna separate the men from the boys.

Eric 1:20:01

Yeah, that is it, it puts me in mind of a of a uh famous or infamous bit uh that that's that's been making the rounds as of late. Uh, I've been noticing this pop up in in in group metas more. Uh when someone says like uh an un uh uh uh not an unfamiliar word, but an uncommon phrase. To to to use an example, I saw I I saw this posted somewhere. Uh it was in like uh stories about like D D memes and shit like that. And it was a DM describing it as like as you crest the dunes of the desert, off in the distance, you see the ziggurat, and a player turns to someone else and says, I don't think you're allowed to say that anymore. That's good for a GAFA. That's good for a Gaffaw, but God, you have to be so fucking careful, my man. You got to be very careful so correct.

Matt 1:21:02

You you've got to know all the context.

Eric 1:21:06

And the key here is that the funniness is coming from your ignorance. Not like you're not like implying that we should be laughing at any phrase, group of people like, no, no, no, no, it it's it's blazing saddles. It's like, ah, I'm the e the stupid asshole. This is funny. Yes, yes. So uh Matt, hit me with that last one.

Matt 1:21:30

Last one. Shouting, come back with a warrant when someone knocks on a bathroom door while you're using it. Ooh, buddy, A plus.

Eric 1:21:42

A plus. A I'm using that tonight.

Matt 1:21:46

The angrier you are with and the politer the knock is, yeah, the high the more pluses get added to the end of it. If you are if you rage at this door from uh from absolutely a cold zero and hit it with a 10, yeah, this is so fucking funny to me.

Eric 1:22:09

I I that is it is perfect.

Matt 1:22:12

It is just imagine it from the other point of view. You're in a restaurant, you're you're in a first watch, and you you walk up, you walk up to the single-served bathroom, and you give it a little, little, just a little good folie. And you are met with come back with a warrant.

Eric 1:22:35

Yep. Yep, I would lose it in the middle of this resume. So good. So fucking good. Uh also big fan of in a similar vein. Anyone, anyone asks you any innocuous question, like fucking, like, like, man, fucking, how about that weather today? You just hit him with you a cop. Nice. You a cop.

Matt 1:22:57

That's a good bit. That's a solid B. Hey, did you drop this? You a cop? I I give that a B. Yeah. Because you can deploy that many a time.

Eric 1:23:05

Oh, yeah.

Matt 1:23:06

And it's the same level of enjoyment.

Eric 1:23:08

Yes. And I'm like, ha, yeah.

Matt 1:23:10

But no, fucking love, come back with a warrant. Come back with a warrant. It does remind me of a bit that I it's not really a bit, it's just I did it, I can't call it a bit. I did it one time, but I it lives in my brain rent-free for if this situation were to ever arise again. Give it to me, baby. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Very good. Yep. You're in the bathroom, somebody knocks on the door, occupied, you know, whatever you say. Oh, sorry, sorry, just a minute. They do it again. And this is the crucial part. You know, you have to be able to tell that it is the same person. Okay. And you say something like, Yeah, yeah, still in here.

Eric 1:23:53

Yeah.

Matt 1:23:53

They do it a third time. Again, I really feel as though you third. They come back for a third time. You have to know that it's the same person. In my case. This is su this is this is lightning in a bottle. In my case, the person was standing outside the door. Uh-huh. And like they were waiting, like they're waiting for the room. I know that they're waiting for the room because I can see the shoes. And you recognize a silhouette.

Eric 1:24:17

How how I'm saying I'm watching them stand there. Oh, oh, you can fully see their shoes. From the little gap in the door. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Uh, like just the light. How long in between these knocks, by the way?

Matt 1:24:28

Eric, my business doesn't need to be aired out in. Fair enough. Continue. In front of everybody. Um, so they knock a third time, and I hit them with there isn't a trap door in here. Yeah. Yep. You see what I mean though? It's not really a bit. It I said it once and I thought to myself, that was funny. And then and then in my head, I'm like, if this should ever happen again, putting it in the quiver. Put it in the deep freeze. Yeah.

Eric 1:24:56

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Matt 1:24:58

Cryogenically freeze this bit in case it ever comes again.

Eric 1:25:02

Matt, I look, I look forward to seeing this bit. I watch this bit's career with great interest. With great interest. Thank you.

Matt 1:25:10

It it's a promising prospect. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Eric 1:25:13

It's an up and commerce. What what do you give that bit? I would say from where I'm sitting right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's the scorecard say? It is a it is a B, but it will depend, Matt, on for me, and this is where the needle will have to be threaded for this bit's success. The when and where. Yeah, yeah, I totally agree. The context will be crucial. Yeah. I don't know. And this is what excites me about this sport, Matt. I don't know what that A plus looks like, but I'm excited to find out.

Matt 1:25:44

Uh I But you know what? I think we'll know it when we see it.

Eric 1:25:48

We'll know it when we see it.

Matt 1:25:49

Yeah, absolutely.

Eric 1:25:50

I love this segment. I this is 10 out of 10. I thought you'd like it.

Matt 1:25:55

I do think you'd like it.

Eric 1:25:57

I I love this.

Matt 1:25:59

Yeah, yeah. I think I'd love to do BitCred again. Uh, and again, I'd love to have the uh you gather them and I can have a cold. Or I would love to of course, of course, listeners, send us your bits. Oh, there it is. Send us your bit. Give them the bitness. And give them the bitness. Send us your bits. We'd be happy to grade them. Leave them on the thought line if you want to give us, you know, the the whole picture, you know, the tone, the delivery. Give it all to us. You can also ask questions there. As Zach did, be drunk if you want. Who are we to stop you? Who are we? But two humble podcasters. Ah! Just searching in the desert for content. The ziggurat in the distance. If you will. You can also send them to us at unaskforthisiggmail.com. That's all spelled out, or go to our fancy new website, unaskforthis.com. And there is a big old question submission button right there when you walk into the site, when you push those saloon doors open and say, give me a whiskey. Give me a whiskey.

Eric 1:27:06

Give me a whiskey.

Matt 1:27:07

I've been playing Red Dead 2 again. Now the um and and because I'm only getting like bursts uh to play because of the whole parenting thing, um, I'm mostly not doing the story. I'm mostly just riding around. Just riding around. Cause I'm entering a saloon, playing some poker. Five-finger fillet.

Eric 1:27:27

Bam. Yeah, hunting. I fucking love five-finger fillet in that game.

Matt 1:27:32

Anyway, back to the business. Uh, so give us those questions, give us those bits, uh, and all the other various segments we've had. The neighborhood watch, it's still in the deep freeze. We're waiting to thaw it out.

Eric 1:27:44

Oh, and speaking of segments, Matt, uh uh, truly, after the episode, I do have an exciting off off mic on God uh episode proposal for you.

Matt 1:27:52

Oh, I I'm excited about that. And I do have a quick update um regarding uh bingo and regarding Luigi. So the uh as as we all know now, he uh he has entered a uh guilty plea. This is multi uh this is in the state trial, I think, most or the federal trial. Mostly, I think so. He the state trial is basically negated. Yes.

Eric 1:28:14

Um but he no longer faces threat of the death penalty for the federal crimes, but state crimes.

Matt 1:28:22

Still, it feels a little bit um uh disappointing that it's weird because he was with us. Like we were we he was a guest on the show. Uh I mean the the episode was the you know, it was corrupted. The file was corrupted, unfortunately.

Eric 1:28:36

Like Audacity Shat the Bed. This is before we went to Riverside.

Matt 1:28:40

Yeah, we and we unfortunately it's you know, we've talked about it before the lost episode.

Eric 1:28:44

It's the lost episode.

Matt 1:28:45

And we we, you know, um, you know, you know, I I I don't know what else to say.

Eric 1:28:50

Matt, how fucking terrifying would it be if this is what catapulted us to fame is that like it just became a viral sensation that we do have we have we have the Luigi own bug in the interview. We go fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. We were Luigi anyway.

Matt 1:29:10

So you can mark that bingo square in a I think a big old red uh background because I do not think he's gonna get the jury nullification or be found not guilty.

Eric 1:29:21

Well, let's find out.

Matt 1:29:22

But hey, you never know. They really have fucked this case every witch away, like it was a tomato big old tomato, big old tomato, big old like it was Adrissa tomato.

Eric 1:29:35

And he's Joe Pesci. Very good, Eric. Very good, very good. All right, Joe Pesto. Joe Ooh. Thank you. Yep. Yeah, I felt alright about it.

Matt 1:29:46

Yep, yep, yep. You should. Did I get all the business? Oh, join the Patreon. That should go without saying. Yep. Four dollars to get the bonus episodes, one dollar to just talk to us on the Discord. Uh, but the four dollars, you know, you get that bonus content, baby. You get that bonus content, you get that uh discount. And as we've said, much and more, we're in the middle of this this week after week of content between the extra oats and the uh the regular episodes. It's gonna go right into September. And uh hey, who knows? Maybe there'll be some bonus bonus content. Who can say that month too?

Eric 1:30:21

Also give us a call the thought line. That is 410-929-5329. It was like he was possessed. I looked directly into the camera, so he knew I wasn't looking at my phone. Directly into the camera, directly into my soul.

Matt 1:30:34

Yes, I did. Uh, yes, that is true. Call the thought line, leave us some thoughts, we'll play them on the show. From all of us here, you didn't ask for this. My name's Matt Shay.

Eric 1:30:45

My name's Eric Po. And listen, you didn't ask. But I'm gonna close this out on a quote by a dear friend of mine. One one Dan Taylor, who said to me, and I'll never forget this quote for it to be a bit, it has to come from the bit region of France. Otherwise, it's just sparkling coincidences. Thank you and good night. C minus. Wow. I give that C minus, I think. Yeah. Because it it it insists upon itself. It it it's upon itself.

Matt 1:31:20

It bits upon itself.

Eric 1:31:22

It's upon it. It's bitsist. It's persistent. It's pretty it's bitentious. That's the fucking problem with this sport these days. You got all these armchair fucking quarterbacks, all these quarter bits. All these Monday morning bitters. All these Monday morning bitters. Dude, I don't think you can say that anymore.

Matt 1:31:53

So I realized after the last episode dropped that I had been neglecting to put in my little pull quote stinger after the uh end credit music, ever since uh the uh the old having a baby thing happened. Um and I also realized no one mentioned it to me. So this is just who noticed? Tell me.