The Best of Episodes 71-80

Before Matt makes his triumphant return, allow him to pack you up in the podcast stroller and amble down memory lane. Here are some of our best-loved bits from episodes 71-80.

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Transcript

Message from Matt

Matt 0:00

Oh hey friends. Did ya miss me? Probably not, considering all the interjections I made throughout the last two episodes. Listen, Eric and I are just about ready to get back together and do a proper episode for ya. I've almost got this newborn life under control. Almost just about to sit down for an hour or two and record some comedic content for you all. But until then, let us buy just one more rotation by giving you the best of episodes 71 through 80. And this collection was curated by myself. I mean, what else do I have to do? You know what I mean? Anyway, we will be back in two weeks' time. That is the goal, anyway, with a brand new episode of which I will be present. Again, that is a goal. Everything in my life right now is just aspirational of you know, can I sleep for seven hours? No, but it's an aspiration. And you know what they say about aspirations. I'm sleep deprived. Anyway, please enjoy these gems of yesteryear. See you soon, everybody.

Cindy Brady Gets Weird Fast

Matt 1:40

Such as attempting to break the world record for teeter-tottering, appearing on a game show on which she suffered from stage fright and had a catatonic attack.

Eric 1:51

Had a what?

Matt 1:52

A catatonic attack, is what it says. I don't even know what that means. She just went, she fainted, I guess.

Eric 2:00

She went back in nom into a coma. God damn. All right, Cindy. And do you have an answer to the question? And she's just back on Hill 315, fucking shooting at Charlie's in the trees.

Matt 2:13

And tr and trying to become, quote, the new Shirley Temple. However, she does she does play a pivotal role in helping Bobby meet boyhood idol Joe Namath by assigning Bobby's name to a letter saying he is really, really sick. So he she fabricated a make-a-wish to get Joe Namath. What a good sister. On on The Brady's, the fa the six-episode series that I would later uh that I just talked about, uh Cindy later became a DJ, much like Susan Olsen, who played Cindy, did herself. How about that? And then she becomes romantically involved with her boss. Oh who is more than 15 years her senior and has two children. Alright. The relationship did not have time to develop before the Brady's was canceled. By episode C. Mercifully. Mercifully, it did not develop. I can't imagine why this show failed.

Eric 3:18

God. Boy Meets World took a look at that and said, let's do the opposite of that for an episode. Yes. Oh man.

Matt 3:28

Oh God, yuck. Okay. Okay. So Cindy.

Eric 3:32

So let's establish the facts. What? A fucking snitch. A narc. A narc. She's absolute like she's the kid who would report someone for behaving suspiciously just walking down the street. She is. She's a she's a rule follower. She real she's a the rule following defines her. Yeah. And I guess unless, you know, you know, we follow the rules until we want our brother to meet Joe Namath, then we pretend he has a terminal illness. And you're probably thinking to yourself, how could it get any sadder than what we just heard?

Patches

Eric 4:10

Buckle up. I hope so. My dog patches when I was growing up.

Matt 4:15

Don't you fucking dare bring a sad dog story into this podcast.

Eric 4:20

My dog patches.

Matt 4:21

Patches.

Eric 4:22

As a child. Don't you? She was the dog I had from when I was like like 10 years old till I was like uh. Oh, yeah, sure. Put the childhood nostalgia in there too. Through college. Oh yeah. Yeah. As she got older, uh-huh. She she her hearing went first. Sure. And so she was deaf. Thank you. As she got even. I put that together with the her hearing went first. And then as I brace for impact. And then eventually she lost sight. Okay, great. She was blind and deaf. Uh-huh. One day I'm sitting on the couch with my mom while our blind and deaf dog is just she's living her best life. She's happy as could be. Is she? But this was the intrusive. I think her best blind might have been prior to the deaf and blindness. Fair, fair. I uh strike that from the record. Her best life was probably before deafness and blindness, Your Honor. Before she was in a confused abyss. Matt, I had an intrusive thought enter my mind. Eric! And I had to speak it aloud. I turned to my mother and said.

Matt 5:38

I don't even know what you're gonna say.

Eric 5:40

Do you think she just wanders around wondering why we don't talk to her anymore?

Matt 5:45

Oh my god, Aaron! I fucking hate you. I can't believe it.

Eric 5:52

I guarantee you that the poo we know wasn't the first or even the last.

Replacing stuffed animals

Eric 5:58

I I uh I know a bunch of parents who like once they find a toy their kid like loves, they buy like 20 of those suckers. If it's like a cheap toy, the like stuffed animal, just have them on back end. I think we are dealing with like with a prestige style, you know. Eric. What? Eric. Yeah.

Matt 6:19

First of all, I want you to know this is a safe space. Did your parents replace your favorite stuffed animal?

Eric 6:28

No, they did not, but it was it was worn into nothingness by the time I was done with it. A little Peter Cottontail.

Matt 6:37

If if you first of all, if you do this, parents, just know you don't have my support.

Eric 6:45

Oh my god, you got my support. You ever try to console a child who just lost their most beloved stuffed animal to the trash can?

Matt 6:52

You'd well, why would it be going in the trash can? Because he's been mashing its little face in honey, Matt! So you fucking wash it, Eric, and he lives a life and he has character. He has character, he has matted fur with character to it. Just gonna replace your fucking bear? Bro.

Eric 7:10

I don't think so. Bruh, bruh, you got that little little bear fucking bobbin for apples and honey. Sit down. Sit down. It's gonna it's gonna be like the mosquito for Jurassic Park. Sit down!

Matt 7:22

We

Millennial Margaritaville Meets Mr Brightside

Matt 7:23

talked about um the Millennial Margaritaville. We talked about what the Millennial Margaritaville might be. And as part of that, we talked about not only the state of mind of Margaritaville, but the actual song. What would be our Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville? And we landed on that it would be the killer's Mr. Brightside. Yes. And in our wisdom, we said, whoever is out there, give us the crossover, give us the mashup of Mr. Brightside and Margaritaville. And Eric, one of our not only dear listeners, but featured guests. A dear guest and friend of us. Ian the Holy Mole, past guest of You Didn't Ask for This, and co-host and co-creator of the Strange Mole Show podcast, did give us a mashup. And uh, Eric, it's only about a minute and change long, so I think we should reward the listeners who've made it this far through this weird, somewhat depressing, and philosophical podcast episode.

Eric 8:40

They've earned it.

Matt 8:41

With this treat.

Eric 8:42

So take me away, Ian.

Ian the Holy Mole 8:54

All of those tall rides that come up with a strong and must bring on my front sway.

Matt 10:17

Ian, the holy brick and ball. Ian, you fucking geni like You legend. But Bobby and I I you know, I fashion myself as a whimsical dreamer.

Eric 10:32

You're

Astrology Bullshit

Eric 10:33

definitely a Bobby's son. Maybe like a like a like a like a Marsha rising.

Matt 10:39

Oh, don't give me all this.

Eric 10:41

What? Look, I'm just stu that's the stars, not not me, bro.

Matt 10:46

All right, sure, sure, sure. So the okay, so b yeah, okay, great. Yeah. Agreed. I'm a Greg Cusp. Agreed. I'm a Greg Cusc. I'll agree.

Eric 10:56

Like I I'm a Greg Cusp, Matthew.

Matt 10:59

Okay, yeah, I'm a Greg Cusp. I will just do what I always do when we get into these situations, uh, when when somebody presents me with these terms, which is agree and hope the conversation ends soon.

Eric 11:11

Oh my God. So when I was telling you that I'm really proud of myself and I deserve nice things and you just agreed with me earlier?

Matt 11:21

No, no, no, no. I'm saying whenever I encounter someone who wants to read my chart, I'm always I'm always like, get it over with.

Eric 11:29

Oh bro, we need to get your we need to get your chart read. We need to get your chart read.

Matt 11:32

Dude, I have had it read so many times. And as soon, and let me tell you, if you want to begin with it, I will go, oh yeah, that sounds good because I know it'll make you happy. I immediately am not paying attention. Immediately.

Eric 11:47

Honestly, I appreciate the the the sincerity. I appreciate the reason.

Matt 11:51

And then when you when it sounds like I should weigh in with something, I'll I'll maybe even go so far as to ask a question, but that's not me. That's an avatar of Matt that I've put out there. Yeah.

Eric 12:03

Yeah.

Matt 12:03

While I'm having big thoughts about my whimsical dream.

Eric 12:07

What is like, what is your big major like what it what what what sign are you?

Matt 12:12

Scorpio.

Eric 12:13

Of course.

Matt 12:14

Jesus Christ. It didn't matter what I said. This is what drives me crazy about this. This is what drives me absolutely bonus about this whole bullshit. No matter what you say, the person's always like. That's just what a Leo would say. Every single fucking time.

Eric 12:29

Yeah.

Matt 12:30

It doesn't matter. You don't think I know what you're doing? You don't. I've got both hands on the microphone now. You don't think I know what you're doing? He is cupping. You do think I know what you're doing.

Eric 12:40

Or hey, he's cuffing the mic again. You don't think I know the ruse. I'm not safe. So the children. Back to the children.

Dairy King XI 12:49

Back to the children.

Eric knows no lyrics

Dairy King XI 12:51

Hey, Matt and Eric. I just wanted to leave you guys with some some wise words for you. It's a rare condition this day and age. On the newspaper page. Some people think even harder.

Matt 13:46

Carl and Brian. Alright, so there you go. Now, Eric. Yeah. Do you recognize the lyrics that this man just spoke into the phone? Uh to me, it's very obvious. I wasn't sure why he was doing it.

Eric 14:04

I had no doubt it would be obvious to you, Matt. This is my nightmare. Um, I have a terrible ear for lyrics and music knowledge, but let's let's take a spin. I'm gonna guess what show this was from.

Matt 14:16

Yeah, here. If you need me to help you out, maybe um maybe imagine those lyrics being spoken in like a Rod Stewart-esque voice that's not Rod Stewart.

Eric 14:30

Okay. Uh, first note, love that I just finished talking about how I have a terrible ear for lyrics, I have bad music knowledge, and you know I'm god-awful with names, so you're immediately.

Matt 14:50

I think you think you're making a joke about me, but if your point is like I'd know who Rod Stewart is, I'm bad with jump out a window to Google.

Eric 15:00

Oh my god.

Matt 15:01

Oh my god. Are you fucking kidding me, Eric?

Eric 15:04

You can't hold on, let's see.

Matt 15:05

Forever young.

Eric 15:07

Oh, okay, that guy.

Matt 15:09

Yeah. Jesus Christ. But you know fucking Soul Glow and whatever the fuck. Yes, because they're kick-ass bands. Robert Stewart also said Iris. You didn't even know who he was.

Eric 15:23

Okay, now because now I know he he's forever young. I was like, oh that oh, Rod Stewart.

Matt 15:30

Okay. Now we're on. If you think I'm sexy, like what the fuck? Where have you fucking been? And all right, whatever. We we don't need we don't need to attack each other's, I'm gonna say, in quotes, musical preferences. That is not something we need to do. We don't need to open with that.

Eric 15:49

So the song is from so the song is from a he said 70s 90s like sit 90s sitcom? Oh.

Matt 15:57

It's here, I'll help you out a little bit. I apologize.

Eric 16:01

Sing everyone, sing it for me.

Matt 16:03

Sing it for me, Matthew. I'll just give you the opening line because I don't want to get into this, but imagine like a little piano riff and then it's a rare condition this day and age. Nothing? That didn't do anything for you.

Eric 16:18

Oh, ooh, mmm. Oh my god. Nope. 90s. I'm just gonna I'm gonna spitball. I'm gonna spit up. Oh yeah. I'm oh wait, is it Full House? Oh, Jesus Christ. No, Full House took place in that San Francisco. What were you about to say, Long Island? No, no, no, no. I was gonna say LA, then I was like, no, that's San Francisco.

Matt 16:41

It's San Francisco. Oh god. But similar, similar credit feel. It starts zooming in on a house and it ends zooming out on that house.

Eric 16:51

Yeah. Oh fuck.

Matt 16:55

I'll give you another hint. Yeah, yeah.

Eric 16:57

Feed me, feed me, five.

Matt 16:58

Because I don't know if this is good content or not.

Eric 17:00

So God, my mouth is open. Feed me.

Matt 17:03

The show was originally supposed to be about um just the one family involved. And then somehow, some way, a side character became Oh, is this family values?

Eric 17:17

Family values. Okay.

Matt 17:21

Yes, it's the hit show Family Values. Yeah. Not to be confused with family fucking matters. Are you crazy? What nineties did you grow up in? Family values. Sorry. It's family matters.

Eric 17:37

It's family matters, you dummy. Am I screaming into a void when I say I am bad with names?

Matt 17:46

You're bad with names. That's what that's what you're gonna fall back on. So who's the side character I'm talking about? I established I've taken off my pop filter. Who is the side character? It's Urkel. It's fucking Urkel. Jesus God. All right. At least. Definit Urkel. Yes. Yes. At least you know Steve Urkel. Okay, great.

Eric 18:15

Okay.

Matt 18:17

Sorry. I'm just I'm just getting a hold of the city.

Eric 18:19

I'm with like I cannot, I can't stress enough to you all that this is not a bit. Matt is is I I am unfathomable to one of my best friends.

Matt 18:32

I'm just calming myself so we may continue at a relaxed and we have to guess after the clipping sesh I just gave by screaming into my microphone.

Eric 18:45

What

Xanaday

Eric 18:46

if Xanaday was such a length that by that you have to wait for eight Xanadays to pass before the calendar resets back to normal?

Matt 18:56

I want to keep this as meta as possible. Xana Day's a month and a half long, two months long. Yeah. I mean, we could keep we could keep it as just one day, and it just but it would be an extra day, but fucking with the length really makes it the the notable day.

Eric 19:14

Really sells it for I I I want the more I think about this, I want this to be our daylight savings time for future generation. I want them to look back on us with absolute disgust. Like how they do this. Like, yeah, as as they're in their and as they're as they're enjoying their Xana Day, because I I want them to not even be able to be mad about it, because I want them to spend most of the week going, God damn it, Xana Day fucks everything up. Nothing like the fiscal calendar is in a shape.

Matt 19:41

It has no benefit.

Eric 19:42

But then at Xana Day.

Matt 19:43

The best way, the best way to fuck everything up, I think, is 12 hours. Because if it's 12 hours, that means Monday will uh so midnight Sunday, it becomes Xana Day. 1159 Sunday, midnight Xana Day, and then at 1159 a.m. Xana Day, it becomes noon on Monday.

Eric 20:08

Yes.

Matt 20:09

So Monday is now 12 hours shorter, and I think we can all get behind that.

Eric 20:14

I honestly the big fuck you to Monday is what seals this for me. You have my full buy insur.

Matt 20:22

Now, we could keep everything nice and neat and solve the whole world's problems about how much we hate Monday by keeping that Monday also 12 hours. Yeah. Or every other day stays at 24 hours. Monday then ends at noon. Every day that week will go till noon until the following Xana day when it goes back. And that means every other week, the middle of the night, quote unquote, is changing.

Eric 20:54

I love everything. We will piss so many people off. And and here's my other this is I think this should be the cultural shift we make towards it. You're never allowed to say like next Xanaday, or like this Xanaday. You can only re you can you can only talk about Xanaday on Xanaday.

Matt 21:16

And here's the thing I I said that it'd be represented by an X. Obviously, it'd be the first letter. And then on a calendar where it's you know the three-letter abbreviation, it'd be Z-A-N, Xan. I mean X-A-N. Yeah.

Eric 21:28

Yeah.

Matt 21:29

But what if we take it a step further? You're going through your calendar, let your page-a-day calendar. You got Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. You flip that next page, baby, there's nothing there. It's just an X. One big X. You open your planner, one day of the week's got a big long X through it. That is your do nothing day. Because you can't write anything down.

Eric 21:55

You can't. It's illegal. It's illegal. Like we will comment. We me and Matt will have a big old, we'll have a classical paddy wagon. Yeah. That that that that just says Xana don't on it. Xana don't. Xana don't. And we come and we throw you in and we and we basically just drive you back to your house and tell you to get to watching Netflix and fucking.

Matt 22:19

Get on back in there. Here's here's a packet of microwaveable popcorn.

Eric 22:24

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll be you'll be given some water, uh, uh, a snuggie, um, some condoms, and told to go nuts.

Matt 22:33

And told to go nut, am I right? Yeah. Xana day. Xana day. Xana Day. No day but Xana. Xana Day.

Eric 22:45

Oh. Damn it. The only the only reason I would ever advocate for for may for adding an amount of minutes to the week is just so we could fuck with rent.

Matt 23:00

Maybe, yes. Yes, absolutely.

Eric 23:03

That's just an aside. I think our current standing case for Xanaday uh annexing half of Monday, love it. Xanaxing half of Monday? Absolutely.

Matt 23:16

Now, Eric, because Sunday is objectively the last day of the week.

Eric 23:22

Empirically, yes.

Matt 23:23

And for a lot of the world is a religious observance. Yes. Does there need to be, as one last quality to give Xanade, does Xanaday need to have some sort of universal not religion, but some sort of spiritual aspect?

Eric 23:40

Shh.

Matt 23:42

I you know, I think so. I think it should I think I don't want to worship anyone, but I do think maybe there should be a tribute to something. And if we're going with Xanaday, if we've gone this far with it, does that person not have to be Xena Warrior Princess?

Eric 23:58

I think it needs to be.

Matt 24:00

I think it needs to be. I think it needs to be. Every home needs to have some sort of bust of Lucy Lawless. Yes. That only comes out on Xanaday.

Eric 24:11

Yes. Yes, yes, yes. And in fact, in fact, like in the text, they will refer to Xana Day as the lawless day. The law, Eric!

Matt 24:22

It's the lawless day.

Eric 24:24

It's perfect. It writes itself. Also

Gingerbread Men Only Understand Violence

Eric 24:29

a defining moment for me uh in any gingerbread scenario, because you're gonna have gingerbread men. Hit me. You gotta have gingerbread men. You gotta have gingerbread men.

Matt 24:35

They gotta be around.

Eric 24:36

Uh at some point I will bite off the head and put it back.

Matt 24:40

Okay.

Eric 24:40

That's all. I just I just need it's me sending a message to the other ginger residents that um the end times are coming.

Matt 24:48

You feel that's necessary?

Eric 24:49

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Why? Do you see the amount of motivation that gingerbread man has has has thrown at subjugating the other cookies? For now, his his eyes turned towards subjugating the other cookies. But yeah, I need to quell any potential there is for the gingerman gingerbread man uprising against me. I need them to know what the score is.

Matt 25:13

Okay. I mean, I guess I see that, but at the same time, it seems like you're if you're worried about the gingerbread men turning their turning their crosshairs on humans after they're done with all the cookies, I think you might not want to pick a fight with them because they are making their homes out of themselves.

Eric 25:36

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Matt 25:37

Their own physical structure is what they choose to make their infrastructure out of.

Eric 25:44

Yeah. Yeah. It's kind of fucked.

Matt 25:46

It's kind of fucked, don't you think? And now you are picking a fight. What you're basically doing is sending the the you're putting the head on the pike outside of a castle.

Eric 25:59

Yeah. The only language they understand, the only language they understand is violence.

Matt 26:04

Is that a fact?

Eric 26:05

Yeah. Yeah. I hey man, I'm still I don't remember that in Shrek. I ain't been murdered by cookies in my sleep yet.

Matt 26:11

Well, not before this podcast airs.

Eric 26:14

That's true. I do want to be clear. I do put a little pizzazz on because I'll bite the head off, put it back, and then I'll like, if I have some red icing left, I'll red icing some like blah. Oh, very good. Yes.

Matt 26:24

I want to the children. Absolutely. Absolutely. Enter that into a town competition.

Eric 26:31

They need to learn at some point. I've got it. Joey,

Slice

Eric 26:36

do this. Trust my advice. You manufacture a situation which will create nicknames for them. Like you create the situation where, like, I don't know, you've you've got the pizza, they they're carrying a pizza inside, and one of them like drops the pizza, and you go, uh oh, watch out, slice. Like, you just gotta be ready. Yeah, it didn't have to be slow. I honestly just start calling them.

Matt 27:08

Take that idea, Joey. Listen to me. Joey, hey, focus. Take that idea, but like make it good, you know?

Eric 27:17

Like Joey, ignore Matthew Shea. I don't know.

Matt 27:22

Don't call your father-in-law slice. That's not good.

Eric 27:26

I'm I'm sorry. I think Slice is the universal nickname for parents now. That is sick. Anytime you're like, What the hell are you talking about? Like, oh my god, like yo, what's the thing? The thing you just said, half convicted. Slice. Slice. I'm gaining conviction the more I say it. Yo, like that's just because that's how you work. Bro, hear me out. Imagine.

Matt 27:49

You become defensive of your own your own perspective, and then you double down.

Eric 27:54

Imagine, imagine a world where you are you are a person and you're and you are going to a nondescript parent of your of your nondescript love, and you are asking that, you're telling that parent, you're like, hey, look, I'm gonna I'm gonna propose. Now, like, a no one has to do that, no one's obligated. It's purely a like if you want to thing. But fucking let me let me hit you with two versions. Version one, oh hey, hey, hey, Mr. Sebastian. Um, I was wondering if I could uh ask your your daughter to marry me? Now let me hit you with this. Yo, Slice. Yo, let me put that ring on it. Can I can I be I don't need your permission, Slice, because we know each other on that level.

Matt 28:49

Can I be can I react? Can you can you hit me those two scenarios? Do you want to be slice? And I'm gonna be I'm gonna be Sebs.

Eric 28:57

Sebastian Slice?

Matt 28:58

I'm gonna be Sebs.

Eric 28:59

You're gonna be Sebi Slice?

Matt 29:01

I'm gonna be Sebi Slice, yeah.

Eric 29:02

Okay, okay, okay, okay. Scenario one.

Matt 29:05

This is Joey. This is how it's gonna go.

Eric 29:07

Okay, Joey, and I'm trusting my scene partner to be generous and truthful to the moment. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

Matt 29:18

Come on.

Eric 29:19

All right.

Matt 29:21

Hello.

Eric 29:23

Oh, oh, hey, hey, mist uh, Mr. Sebastian. It's it's me, Joey.

Matt 29:28

That's my first name.

Eric 29:30

It it is.

Matt 29:33

Come on in, Joey.

Eric 29:35

Okay, oh, thank you, Sebastian.

Matt 29:37

Let us walk.

Eric 29:38

Oh, okay.

Matt 29:39

We're gonna go upstairs to the library. Ah, yes.

Eric 29:42

Oh my.

Matt 29:43

I have a feeling I know why you're here, after all. Now, feel free to take uh uh cognac out of the globe bar over there.

Eric 29:51

Oh shit. I don't drink cognac because I'm straight edge, but that is true. Joey Speaker. Then put it back. Oh okay. Oh, very, very good, Mr. Sebastian. You may have the cranberry juice out of the small cooler. Tart. Um, so I wanted to come to you, Sebastian. Uh-huh. To ask you a question that I think we both know has been coming. Yeah. Um I, Mr. Sebastian, would really like to marry your daughter, Shauna. Can I do that?

Matt 30:29

Well. You didn't exactly come with any kind of conviction. You didn't sound like you knew.

Eric 30:37

Well, I love her a whole lot.

Matt 30:39

You love her a whole lot. Whole bunch of hits. That's what you're gonna come to me with about my baby Shauna?

Eric 30:44

Honey bunches of oats. I love, I love her.

Matt 30:47

Honey bunches of oats. You are you I'm sorry. Did you just call me Honey Bunches of Oats? No, Sebastian. Did you just call me in my Globe Bar Laden library, Honey Bunches of Oats? Get the fuck out of my house. I am so sorry. Gonna marry my daughter. You're not even gonna have my cranberry juice, boy. Alright, so that's the first version. That's the first version. Second version. Second version.

Eric 31:16

Kicks in the door. Yo, Slice!

Matt 31:20

Excuse me?

Eric 31:21

Yo, Slice, what the fuck is up? It's your boy, DJ Joey G.

Matt 31:28

Joseph, we have had this conversation before. Let me marry your daughter! How many times do I have to fix my fucking front door? As many times as it takes, Slice. I want that hand. I grab him by the ear and I drag him to the library. Sit down on the Shay's lounge over there, boy. More like the Shay's nuts. We're gonna have a conversation now. You come in here, you show me no respect, and you expect me to just agree to give you my blessing to marry my daughter? Look, explain yourself. Slice. Why are you calling me Slice? Because we got history, Slice. What does that have to do with anything? Slice, let me take you back. Why are you calling me Slice? What is the context? I don't understand this nickname. Why are you trying to make this work?

Eric 32:23

I because I want to make it work with her. I'm trying to make slice.

Matt 32:31

You're already having problems. You're not even married yet.

Eric 32:33

Son of Let me slice, let me cut to the quick.

Matt 32:39

Doesn't make any sense. You're doubling down on a pun I don't understand.

Eric 32:43

Motherfucker. Your daughter slaps. There I said it.

Matt 32:46

My daughter's abusing you.

Eric 32:48

She's abusing you? You're killing me, Slice. Oh, I understand.

Matt 32:53

I don't need to know about your private lives. I don't need to know what happens in the bedroom. So I can marry your daughter. No. What? You come in here with the shittiest nickname I've ever heard, and you expect me to allow you to marry my daughter when you've called me Slice out of context, and you said, oh, it's because we have we have history. You could have called me any number of things. You could have called me Sophocles, and that would have made more sense. Sliocles. That's pretty good. Have you tried cognac, my boy?

Eric 33:24

Ooh, sign me the fuck up, my dude! In this universe, Joey's much cooler.

Matt 33:30

If

The Truth About Humpty Dumpty

Matt 33:31

you are a London citizen, you're a Londoner, how would you not know about the egg that has legs and arms that's walking about the city? I mean, what the fuck else are you gonna do in London? It would be an icon, but at the same time, like all great icons, would he not be persecuted?

Eric 33:52

Would he not be persecuted? And I think it's to borrow the parlance of the time, rather sus that all the king's horses and all the king's men just kind of happened to be there.

Matt 34:06

Uh-huh. All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty back together again.

Eric 34:12

I don't mean to make crude humor, but I think we just cracked this thing wide open.

Matt 34:17

Couldn't put Humpty back together again. You might as well put the ellipses of not that they tried. Ooh. Not that they tried, Eric. Yeah, yeah. Westminster Abbey is right down the street from Buckingham Pallas. Oh man. It's right around the fucking corner. Our various Brits can tell us. They can write in, they can call the thought line and tell us their thoughts on whether or not the English have buried the sordid history of Humpty Dumpty. Yeah, yeah. But here's what I think. Here's what I think, as we've been having this discussion. I think the king, seeing this, this, this egg, this other among his people, could not deal with someone living their best life.

Eric 35:12

Oh, it challenges his authority as established by God.

Matt 35:16

Someone who does not conform to society norms is in fact not even a mammal, but an egg creature. An eggman. An eggman, Eric, it goes back to the Beatles. Is this not the eggman? The walrus pushed him, Eric. Cuckoo Choo, Matthew. Cuckoo Choo.

Eric 35:43

The walrus representing the overbloated monarchy.

Matt 35:48

King of England. We got a live search. Live search happening right now.

Eric 35:52

Live search happening right now.

Matt 35:53

I'm with you on the field. It was of course it was. It was George III. Our buddy George. Georgie III. Georgie III. Georgie III. So 1797. George has just lost the column.

Eric 36:09

He has just gotten his ass kicked. Just kicked back. Whooped by a bunch of illiterate farmers.

Matt 36:16

His own people and country were like, just let him go. This is costing us too much money.

Eric 36:23

Bruh. You're embarrassing yourself.

Matt 36:26

And so he did. But then, Eric, he looks out his palace window, thinking, God, those Americans got away from me.

Eric 36:35

Perhaps that's not upon my lands. I look out upon my lands. What is that sitting on my beautiful wall there? It's that egg man. This is an egg too far. Well, cuckoo cuckoo, motherfuckers.

Matt 36:53

And he sent down the king's horses and the king's men. And Eric. They murdered Humpty Dumpty.

Eric 37:02

They murdered Humpty Dumpty.

Matt 37:04

Humpty Dumpty. You can call this heinous because he's a special victim.

Eric 37:11

Oh my god. That was funny. Bum-boom! That was funny as shit. That was funny. Because I heard an even show. Because I was too busy playing the dun-dun in my head.

When You're a Tree

Matt 37:25

I want you, Eric, to imagine yourself as a tree for a moment. I'm there. You and the listeners, close your eyes and imagine yourself as a tree. What must it be like, folks? What must it be like to have this life where you are completely unconcerned with quote unquote accomplishing anything? No, you're not thinking about legacy. You're not even thinking about like, how can I get taller? You're just, you are what you are, and you're stationary. You've got like a, you're like a lighthouse, just looking out upon the world and experiencing it as it comes to you, as storms come by, as as tree diseases come and go, you know what I'm saying? Your branches fall off in a storm, and you have to evolve around it. You have to grow new ones as your as the your teth to this world grow deeper and stronger by the moment. But the moment might as well be a millennia because you are just here. And what exists for us is a mere afternoon of psychological and emotional trauma as you're trying to make it from three o'clock to five o'clock so you can punch the fuck out. When you're a tree.

Eric 38:57

When you're a tree. Fuck it.

Matt 39:00

You're at peace.

Eric 39:02

To quote a great podcast co-host, go the fuck off, King.

Matt 39:06

When you are a tree, imagine the breeze going through your hair. Eric, first of all, I never fucking told you to open your eyes. Sorry? I'm sorry. I was trying to paint you a fucking picture.

Lords of Sealand

Matt 39:24

But Eric, I need to talk to you about the titles. Yes. The titles, Eric. Tell me more. Eric, for $29.99. $29.99, Eric. A very reasonable price. That's a fucking steal. You and I could become a lord or lady of Sealand.

Eric 39:46

Ooh, yeah.

Matt 39:47

For $59.99. A baron or a baroness. Four. And there's a there's a notable jump now here. Oh, I'm sure. To be knighted. To be a knight, a sir or dame of sea land. $149.99. That's still a bargain. But if you want to be at the top of the food chain, Eric, and I I think we all secretly want to be at the top of the food chain.

Eric 40:13

Yes.

Matt 40:14

To become a Duke or a Duchess. $749.99. Ooh. Inflation gets you every time. But Eric, I have to say, $29.99, to be a lord, you and I, Eric, could be lords. We and we are we not lordly men. Are we not lordly? And my question to you, Eric, in the privacy of this pod pod, away from our significant others who might have something to say about this.

Eric 40:50

Yeah.

Matt 40:52

Should the two of us not buy ourselves this piece of paper that says that we are a lord of sea land?

Eric 41:00

We 100% should and I will do this with you. I'm in if you're in. I'm in.

Matt 41:05

I'm in. Now we could do the digital or we can have it sent to us.

Eric 41:10

Oh, I I need this sent to me. I need it embossed. I yeah, I need the watermark.

Matt 41:16

I don't need it. Oh, there it is. Oh, wait a minute. Premium signed by Prince Michael.

Eric 41:22

Oh, that wait, where's that option?

Matt 41:24

Oh, that gets me up to $75. That might be a bridge too far for me.

Eric 41:29

Bridge too far. $29.99.

Matt 41:31

It's steel. So to have it sent, it's $44.99. Are you still good with that? I I'm doing I'm doing it right.

Eric 41:38

God, oh, but for the premium, it gets framed and signed.

Matt 41:42

I know. It is, it does feel good, but I I can't justify $75 on this.

Eric 41:47

Yep, yep, yep. I'm just gonna do the classic luxury part.

Matt 41:49

Because I gotta say, I'm not I'm gonna let Lindsay find out about this when she listens to the show. Oh yeah. Let's let that. And I know that is a risky move, but but I but I am gonna do it.

Eric 42:02

Oh yeah, you got you got uh with shipping, it comes to $57.99. Matt, I might just pull the trigger and get the framed one.

Matt 42:10

You think? I think. I mean, Prince Michael does sign it. Yeah, I you think you're gonna do if you do it, I feel like I have to do it.

Eric 42:21

I will literally like, I will send you the difference. You'll send me the difference? Yeah, however, however much you were gonna spend on the normal one, however much more the premium costs, I'll send you the difference. Because we deserve nice things.

Matt 42:36

Eric, I can't argue with that. If you're gonna send me the difference, then I don't care. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going back. This this could not be dumber.

Eric 42:49

This is the this is so fucking dumb, and it's why I love it.

Matt 42:55

It's done, Eric.

Eric 42:56

Fuck yes.

Matt 42:57

We're in this, we're in this together. We are in this together, and I can't wait. I can't wait till Lady Lindsay hears about this. Although I don't think I don't know if C Land grants the titles based on marriage alone.

Eric 43:13

No, but I know for sure that my cat is now like my heir. Oh, Amelia Medelia is 100% heiress.

Matt 43:23

As well, they should so folks. First of all, donate to Wikipedia. Second of all, go become a lord or lady or baron or duke of sea land. Do it today. Do it today join us. Join us in Sea Land royalty.

Eric 43:41

Yeah.

Matt 43:44

All right, Eric. Let's circle the wagons here

Mosh Pit Lifeguard

Matt 43:47

a little bit. How do you Mosh?

Eric 43:49

Uh my personal my personal taste is I I hang out in, you know, like we talked about the middle, we talked about the end of like the the the sliders turned all the way up. Yeah. I like to sit between those two. I like to, I like to go in. I kind of like to be an anchor for people to bounce off of and like throw themselves into. Like people throw themselves into me out. Like I've had people small, like, you know, small enough in the mosh pit uh that I just like they throw themselves in me. I pick them up, I I like, I just toss them up and they get caught. It's great. Okay. I I'm also there. I'm looking out, I'm like looking for anyone who like the second someone gets knocked down, I'm like the dude who like woo-whoop, like makes like get get a dude up, pat him on the back, make sure like, hey, you okay, you cool, you cool? They're like, yeah, and like toss them back in there. I'm I'm I'm almost like a mosh pit lifeguard. I I also usually occupy the edge of mosh pits because I'm there to make sure that someone's out there like crowd killing and trying to swing on random like fucking people that all they hit is a wall of me. Jesus Christ. A wall of me. Uh speaking of walls, are you familiar with what a wall of death is?

Matt 44:59

Uh, I mean in like medieval combat, uh, I feel like so a wall of death, man.

Eric 45:05

And these are usually started by the bands, like Soul Glow did this, uh, Zoo, or think Zulu did this, like a bunch of bands. Oh, yeah. They did this at every time I die. But a wall of death, Matthew, and you'll know one's about to happen because the lead singer, like whoever's singing on stage, will usually just go, All right, all right, all right, all of you over here. Like he starts making that motion like he's Moses parting the Red Sea, and you'll see the entire crowd get on either side of the room with about like 30 feet of empty space between them.

Matt 45:41

Yeah, again, I would see it only through a GoPro.

Eric 45:44

And then, and then the lead singer will start counting down. He's like, All right, one, two, one, two, three, and then both sides of the room will sprint at each other full speed, and whatever results from that is a wall of death.

Matt 46:03

What do you mean? What do you mean, whatever results from that? Some people will be concussed.

Eric 46:10

It is a bloody cosmic dice every time you you use it.

Matt 46:15

And you enjoy this everything that you've said, you enjoy. You get enjoyment out of it.

Eric 46:20

I will never do wall of death is where I draw the line because everyone's gonna be crouched down and and like fucking running.

Matt 46:27

Except everyone's coming on over.

Eric 46:34

Am I wrong? Am I wrong? You just you nailed it. Janet, step forward for I give the judgment.

Yes, Jan.

Eric 46:46

The 20th of the major arcana. Judgment. She is judging others, mostly Marcia, and herself harshly. Rebirth, constantly trying to reinvent herself, inner calling, absolution, karma, causality, second chances. All of this is Jan.

Matt 47:08

And I find Jan also to be an incredibly identifiable character, at least to me.

Eric 47:13

Oh, we we are pr I I think we're both pro like I I'm not saying anything controversial, we're pro-jan. I'd label both of us as Jan. Uh yes.

Matt 47:22

I to both of us to both of us and everyone out, every other Jan out there, and most importantly to the Marshas, we're not saying anything about the Marshas yet, okay? We are just talking about Jan.

Eric 47:35

And yeah, we are we're leave that name out our fucking mouths when we're talking about Jan. It is Jan time. It is Jan's moment. This is Jan's Jan's moment. This is Jan's sport. Yeah, I think I think she's not just relatable to us though, Eric. I thought that joke was funny. Go on. It was. Okay. Eric, it was. Okay. Thank you. Wait, are you just agreeing with me? No, I wouldn't dare.

Matt 48:03

Okay. Now I find Jan not only uh relatable to us, but I think she is one of the Brady's that perhaps the first of the Brady's that meets the sort of existential dread that adults get later. She's got it earlier. And and it it's relatable to the adults in the room, I think. When you're watching the show, you're able to be like, I know what she's going through.

Eric 48:33

Yes. Oh god, yes. She is she is the the the the ambassador of the audience. She's saying aloud all the things. We're like, why does Marcia get all this night shit? Why does Mar like why why why not why not Jan? Why not? Jan's enough.

Matt 48:52

Jane. Jan is Jenuff. Jenuff. Jan is Jennaff. Jan is Jen. And for those reasons, Eric, I don't know that I came in this prepared to give Jan a high score, but I am now. I think she gets a high score. I think she gets a high score.

Eric 49:08

I think she I okay like folks, like say what you want. This is our fucking show. I think she is she's earned it. I think she had to put up with so much shit that was so unfair for so long. I think she's earned a high score.

Matt 49:26

Now, how high? Right now, our high water mark is a nine.

Eric 49:31

Matt higher or lower than Alice. Matt, I think we have a chance here. I think we have a golden opportunity. Matt, we, we too, we, we happy too, we band of podcasters. We happy too of podcasting white men. We have the ability right now, we have the power in our hands to right a wrong. We have the ability to give Jan Brady a 10. We have the ability to make Jan a 10. Because not only is it what she deserves, but it also means for once she's gonna score higher than Marsha. We don't know that. We don't not that we yo, we don't know that. We don't know that. We haven't gotten a Marsha yet. We we haven't gotten a Marsha yet. Fuck it, Eric. It's our podcast. 10 for Jan. It's oh my god. It's a fucking 10. Matt, Matt, oh my god. Matt, what have we done? Matt, you know what we did? What? We gave her 10 Marshas. We gave Jan 10 Marshas.

Matt 50:44

We thought we were do- you know what it was? We thought we were making we thought we were solving a problem. We made it worse.

Eric 50:49

We it's like a self-fulfilling prophecy with Jan.

Matt 50:53

Isn't that just the way?

Eric 50:54

Isn't that just the fucking way?

Matt 50:56

Should we knock her down?

Eric 50:57

No. You know what? Here's what we do.

Matt 51:00

No, because I like the I like the styling of telling Jan, she's guess what, Jan? You're a perfect 10.

Eric 51:05

You're a perfect 10. And you know what, Jan? You're 10 Jans out of Jan. And you know what? I have to say Jan, Jan, Jan, Jan, Jan, Jan, Jan, Jan, Jan.

Matt 51:12

I say sure, Jan. Sure Jan. I say Shurgjan.

Eric 51:16

You know what? I say yes, Jan. I say yes. I say absolutely Jan.

Matt 51:22

I say you go, Jan. I say yes, you Jan. I say yes, Jan. Do we think we've gotten enough mileage out of this to work?

Eric 51:39

Oh man.