144 | Gatorcaine

Zacky D, the interim co-host for you and me, returns to fill in Matt's spot under the shady tree that is Eric's lanky body...but Matt isn't entirely absent this time. This episode marks the return of Hidden Objectives, this time provided for Poch and Zack by none other than Mr. Shea himself. Also, that weird ghost in the machine seems to still be around. Weird.

Question-wise, Eric and Zack tackle the following: what's your murder preference as a victim? You two are buying a dog together...annnnd go.

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Transcript

Cold Open

SPEAKER_02 0:02

A child is born.

SPEAKER_06 0:07

Upon us this day. Happy noises.

Eric 0:12

And lo, the angels spake onto him. There was a kid. Uh Matt Che's a dad, y'all. There it is. He's a father. Lin Dr. Lindsay R. Barr, absolute fucking champion.

SPEAKER_04 0:28

Just just words cannot describe how great she is. How little Matt did. And that too. I mean, but it'd be you know, in his defense, hasn't he been a father to us all along?

Eric 0:40

Like non-stop dad energy. Like, like you the the plot has finally caught up to Matt.

SPEAKER_04 0:49

Matt's been in dad mode since day one. Oh, yes. I agree. Ever since I started listening to you, um, both of you. It's been like, hmm. That's a dad right there.

Eric 0:58

And now dad's out of the room. Uh twice in a row. Yeah, twice in a row. Zachy D joining the the interim co-host for me joining us for another episode while Matt is lazily, you know, slack, slack a daisily. I mean being a dad, I guess.

SPEAKER_04 1:21

Yeah, well, I mean, while he's not here, I mean, there was something because you know this is the cold open, I take it, right? No, yeah, we're in it. We're we're we're we're neck deep. I figured that's where I like to be. So uh since uh dad's not here, I just figured, you know, from man to man, uh why are cats the best animals ever?

Eric 1:42

Yeah, dude, true. Okay, thank you. Thank you. They're the best. Mine is currently uh uh uh lurking. She's gargoyling on her catch. Right out that window, it's surveying her domain. They're they're just truly the fucking they're the cat's pajamas.

SPEAKER_04 1:59

Yeah, they're all natural.

SPEAKER_06 2:01

They're everything that you want in an animal.

SPEAKER_04 2:03

Oh my god, everything you want in a companion.

Eric 2:06

Yeah. I don't I I I it it I like having a roommate that I get to feed.

unknown 2:14

Oh god.

Eric 2:15

And clean up their poop. And and thanks you. And thanks me for it. Oh, oh, when they give the little headbutt. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 2:24

Yeah, just right in there. Like a fucking chainsaw. Yeah. Yeah, right now sleep on your chest?

Eric 2:32

Oh, yeah. Oh, she'll she'll she'll do a perch on like our nightly ritual is her crawling on my chest, staying there for a solid 10 to 15, purring her little heart out, and then be like, all right, I'm done. And off she goes. And then off and then off she talks.

SPEAKER_04 2:47

Isn't that great? It's just enough for both you and her. Yeah. It's not too much. It's a microdose.

Eric 2:53

Not too little. No, it is the ex cats know exactly the right amount of anything they want to do at any given time. I appreciate that about it.

SPEAKER_04 3:03

I mean, they're for the most part, they're self-sufficient. I mean, yes, we do have to feed them, but you know, you have to do that with other pets. Yeah. Children, you've got to do that with. And you know, and you know what, kids aren't even self-sufficient for the channel. No, you gotta bathe them. You gotta change them. Oh, well, what is all this? Gosh, you got you gotta bring them to you know, schooling and educations, you gotta teach them things. I gotta pay taxes for them. Oh gosh. I mean, we do get a tax break, but I mean, uh, I I rescued an animal. Yeah. I mean, I made a difference.

Eric 3:40

That's my goddamn familiar.

SPEAKER_04 3:41

I right there.

Eric 3:43

And I didn't even choose choose him or her. They chose me. Oh, Juan chooses the wizard 100% that that we're soul bonded. Yeah. Thank God she's immortal means I can never die. No, I mean, that's that's that is the beauty of a cat, unlike a child. I I I believe I expressed this to Matt at one point while he's not in the room. I I think the reason he doesn't like cats and and it's really the only thing that makes sense. Matt is a cat. That does tra you know what that tracks Imperious, yeah, holds grudges.

SPEAKER_04 4:18

Oh, 100%, calculating, fascinated by licking his own brown eye, secretly has a heart of gold.

Eric 4:25

He does.

SPEAKER_04 4:26

He's very loud. He gets through he gets through closed doors and you don't know how. Yeah, he just materializes like an assassin, like a cat.

Eric 4:35

Yeah. So so y'all on you know, for for me and Zachy D, on behalf of all of us here at Udaft, uh, cats fucking rule.

SPEAKER_04 4:44

Of course they do. I mean, I would have recommended that cat that that Matt got a cat, but instead he decide to make a baby.

Eric 4:52

I mean kids gonna want a cat one day. Ooh. That's what we'll do. You know, like like five, six years from now, you and me, we'll get him a cat. Exactly.

SPEAKER_04 5:00

We'll just show up, both of us, each with one, make a cat.

Eric 5:03

It's your funkles, it's your funcles, Zach and Eric. Your uncles.

SPEAKER_04 5:06

Your funkles. Oh, God. I hope to make a cream for that.

SPEAKER_05 5:09

Have a new cat.

Eric 5:24

Well, hello, and

Intro

Eric 5:26

welcome to You Didn't Ask for This, the podcast answering life's least pressing questions. I am Eric Poach. I'm I'm Zach Deuce. Uh Zach Deuce.

SPEAKER_04 5:36

My man, my myth, my legend. Uh there's a lot of things I have been called. Uh, I'm glad that the checks are still clearing. So thank you very much, Eric.

SPEAKER_06 5:44

But of girls.

Eric 5:46

We have a fun episode today. We do. Uh we do. Uh Matt Matt had this little idea. Uh, we're doing hidden objectives again. Yes, with without Matt. Without Matt. Matt is the one giving us the objectives today as he sits in his ivory tower sipping pina coladas, just chilling.

SPEAKER_04 6:09

Yeah, with a kid. We'll see how much he's chilling. I mean, when you first get home with a child, there's there's not a lot of chilling. I mean, there is, but not when you want to chill. That that is the chilling part. I want to take a nap right now. Nope. Not gonna happen. I want to be asleep in my bed? Nope. Not gonna happen. No. Lazing away. I mean, you could you could be chilling, but no, you got spreadsheets to to deal with, buddy. Get on in there, play with that Excel.

Hidden Objectives from Matt

Eric 6:42

So, with that all being said, let's kick this off. Matt, please tell me my hidden objectives for this episode.

SPEAKER_01 6:52

My oh my ha the turn tables, as they say. Well, friend, you work for me now, see? That's right. I have some tasks, hidden objectives, for you to complete. Discreetly, of course. Number one, throughout the episode, say the names of all nine of Santa's reindeer, but you will fail if at any point Zack says the word reindeer. Now, for all our survivor fans out there, I'd like you to work in two phrases, those phrases being, I truly believe that butterflies are dead relatives saying hi, and of course, I'm as confused as a goat on astro turf. However, you must say them during the same question. And finally, say the numbers 1 through 10. Naturally, once you say a number, you can't say it again for the rest of the episode, or you fail. Good luck, old chum.

SPEAKER_05 8:03

Alright, alright, I'll do it, you no do it, good daddy crook! I'll do it!

SPEAKER_04 8:08

Alright. Matt, could you g could you tell me what Eric's objectives are so that I know? No? You're gonna tell me mine? Okay, fine.

SPEAKER_01 8:18

So, Zach, you think you can just waltz on in here, huh? After all these years and sit down in my chair and take my seat. Take over my half of the show. I always knew you were a snake in the grass, Mr. Deuce. I just didn't expect it to. I don't know what the bit I'm doing is exactly I asked you to do this. Anyway, there are three objectives for you to complete, my friend. The first. Complete the sentence, it's been blank years since I blank. You must do this three separate times, however, each time the amount of years must increase. I also need you to convince Eric there is existing Yadaft fanfiction. What kind of fan fiction? Well, I'll leave that up to you, my friend. And finally, throughout the episode, work in the titles of five Beatles songs. However, you cannot refer to the songs themselves. You must organically work the phrases into the conversation. Also, you will fail if at any point Eric says the word Beatles, which honestly, you you probably don't need to worry about that. Good luck, Mr. Deuce.

SPEAKER_04 9:43

Alright, well, you know, I didn't intend to just step in and take over your your chair. I did it was not my intention, Matt. I mean, it's uh look at it that I'm keeping it warm for you. And and you it's welcome whenever you come back. Take your chair, Matt. I it's fine. I never was it my intention to sit right here. To to to just uproost you from this fine. I like how it leans too.

Eric 10:11

It's a little bit of a premium squeak.

SPEAKER_04 10:15

It does. You know what? It's a well-weathered chair.

SPEAKER_06 10:19

Well-weathered. Speaking of well-weathered, my cat is calling.

SPEAKER_04 10:23

Oh, she's so sweet. She has left her perch as she's at the door. She's probably gonna go get a midnight snack.

SPEAKER_06 10:33

She's a free spirit. Oh, yes.

SPEAKER_04 10:35

And you know, and that's why that's why you and her make great pear.

Eric 10:38

I am honest to God going to, it's on the the house project list. I'm gonna make a little cat door for my bedroom door, like shaped like a little hobbit hole door. Oh it's gonna be dope.

SPEAKER_04 10:48

I had a friend who um had those next to the door, and it was um it was part of the house that they um that they moved into post-college. And I didn't realize what it was right away, because I had cats, you know, however it's been four four years since we had a cat. Uh so my son's on us all the time uh about having it. But in my friend's house, there were little hobbit holes next to all the doors. And I went, what are these? Because it almost looked like the little like vacuum cleaner. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Eric 11:22

I'm like, But it was Matt has those in his house.

SPEAKER_04 11:25

Yes, for the rich people. Yes. But so us poors, we have to still unplug, use up rum, um, even on carpet. But there were like between rooms and then going upstairs uh as well, like at doors like to the second floor. And she said, Yeah, these are like the little uh like self-existing like cat door. They they just slide on through. And I went, what? And you tap and it just it's like a doggy door, like it would have on a door outside, but just for a cat internally. I went, that is genius.

Eric 11:56

I I I keep picturing like a super archaic name for them, like, ah yes, like like there was probably an entire thriving business uh around these cat doors. Like, ah, you can't can't simply can't have a house without your cat dasher.

SPEAKER_05 12:09

Cat dasher, I'm simply a catterdasher.

SPEAKER_04 12:13

Next time we play um the game on Neatcast where we have the old-fashioned jobs. I'm I'm gonna see if I can find a cat dasher.

SPEAKER_02 12:22

Catterdasher.

SPEAKER_03 12:23

I've been employed as a catadasher for 10 years. I'm an expert. We've got catterdashers, dog dancers, you name it, kid. Penn kid poker?

SPEAKER_05 12:33

What? I spent my better years as a hen prancer.

SPEAKER_04 12:43

You just got done with your last episode, and I can hear the Jackie Daytona coming through. I love it.

SPEAKER_03 12:50

Just a regular human bartender, Jackie Daytona. Yes, yes. The greatest bartender in New York. Pay no attention to the mirror behind me. That's why it's covered.

Eric 13:03

I ask about uh when we did uh Beneath the Headlines. Yes, Beneath the Headlines. I I could live in a transatlantic accent for the rest of my life and be happy.

SPEAKER_06 13:16

Oh when people were like, I was born in the wrong time, I was like, I was born with the wrong dialect. Beneath the headlines. God, what a good show that was.

SPEAKER_04 13:26

That was fun. That was a that was a hoot. That was a fun little spin-off that you guys did.

Eric 13:32

Ugh. He is hoping one day we may return to such content.

SPEAKER_01 13:37

Fingies crossed. Fingies crossed. And just to clarify, beneath the headlines is an entirely separate podcast created by myself and former guests of this show, Megan Stanton and Paul Diem, our very first guest, as a matter of fact. Um, you can find that wherever you find your podcasts. Eric was a uh guest voice actor on the show, but it is not claimed under the You Daft umbrella.

Eric 14:08

That's it! Let's get

What's your murder preference as a victim?

Eric 14:10

into it. Yes. We got one job here today, and that's to answer qu well, two jobs. Answer questions, be okay, three jobs. Answer questions, be funny, promote cats. So our next our first question comes from Tim from Against All Oddities. What's your murder preference as a victim? You're the dead body. Nobody knows who killed you. It's a mystery. You're the body on CSI. How would you want to be killed? Disposed, found, and or solved? All of that or just one of them? Uh they want the whole like you know the whole episode. So yeah, like, you know, bum bum. You know, or or the dude comes in with bum-bum is is uh law and order. Oh, bum-um is law and order.

SPEAKER_04 15:02

Uh oh, CSI is yeah, the scream that we use all the time, you know, over at the neat cast whenever someone makes a horrible joke. Exactly.

Eric 15:12

Yes. So yeah, what do you what do you I I my priorities are I just really want to start with like what's the pithy one-liner before the yeah. Do you know what I mean? Like they find me, they see me massacred. I think that's like like like like just massacre is all you can think. I want to be massacred. I want one person, but it's definitely a massacre. That can be a range.

SPEAKER_04 15:39

Oh god. Um, so you're asking like what we want the one-liner to be?

Eric 15:44

Yeah. Um like I'm just I I think like truly, like, just I'm all over the walls. Entrails dripping from the ceiling. You exploded like scanners, but everything. Second scanners reference in two episodes.

SPEAKER_04 16:03

We're going deep, deep into the scanners look goods.

SPEAKER_02 16:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 16:07

All right. I guess I would be probably shot a bunch of times because I'm sure it would have made someone mad. And seeing that it's Vegas, or not Vegas, but CSI, CSIs happen typically. I mean, there is a New York, but when I think of CSI, it's either Vegas or um uh Miami. Yeah. Don't forget CSI Cyber. Which are like typically hot. And if we're going with like the opening liner, like with the screen, that was like Miami. Um, because we would always put on the shades and take them back off again. I I would imagine that I got shot a bunch of times. It's like a sweltering hot day. Like I'm like now the team's gonna be in a race for like decomposition or something. Yes. We hear the flies before we even see the body. Exactly. And uh Horatio's gonna like see that like my my bullet-riddled body is just laying there baking in the sun, like like quickly turning like even like more and more into a raisin like with every second. And he like where that he just looks down and he's like, Well, I guess happiness was a warm gun. And then he just slides his like glasses on because I'm like sitting there with like a smile, like at him like becoming like this raisin. And then they go, yeah! Yeah, Matt, can we get a yeah in the foley? You can do it. Yeah, I got I got I got that audio for you.

Eric 17:25

Just rip it from a neat cast MP. It's we rip it from your pocket and we catch like the tail end of one of you talking. Yes. That would be perfect. That would be great. Do that.

SPEAKER_04 17:41

So do that. More work. More work for Matt. The guy who's taking time off so he doesn't have to work. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A little work's healthy for you. I love that.

Eric 17:51

I I think I I'm I'm picturing myself, okay. It's a it's a punk rock venue. It's in a mosh pit. I have been massacred.

SPEAKER_04 17:59

But like it's very fitting for your area. Huh? For what you love, for what you love to do. That's very fit.

Eric 18:04

For what I love to do. Um, and yeah, I'm just like, I'm literally like just plastered. All like I'm imagining at our local, one of my favorite local venues, they they they had to they spray painted no stage diving all over the walls. Because it happens so frequently. Like, stop. Yeah, yeah. It's for liability's sake. They the stage uh stage dive's still happening, but seeing like the blood running down the no stage diving thing, like there's two old ass fans that are constantly going in the ceiling. My intestines are like old swirling around on it. And like the team's like, we're like, we don't even know where to begin. We don't know what's him and what's any of these punks. Now that's a fish pit I can get behind. And like, we don't even know if these are his teeth we found. And uh, and then I want Horatio to look at the screen and just give us like a good, like, well, I guess we better open this pit up. Yeah, like there, there it is. What else do we have? Let's see, let's see here in the body okay, dead body. That's the location. Disposed, found. Okay, so kill, disposed, found from in my case, is all very, very little, like happened in the pit at the bar at the punk rock bar. Uh the disposal really I think that's really like the mine had more of a disposal, yeah. The mystery is like there's so much punk rocker DNA, all there's sweat and blood and teeth from everyone everywhere. They don't know which one. Who's exactly?

SPEAKER_04 19:35

Yes, disposal was in plain sight. So no one could track it. That I like that. Yeah. Yeah. Mine was the typical, you're in the middle of like, I don't know, uh something where it's just hot and where nobody's ever gonna be, and hopefully the gator will come along and just like eat it, you know, before before anyone finds it.

Eric 19:56

Here, we'll just dispose of this body on overhill. And there, yeah, there's like an old man nearby, and he says something like, Gator don't just eat your body. Gator eat your soul. When a gator eat you, you never leave. He's a gator now. Second accent I could live in for the rest of my life is old bayou coot. Yeah. Old anything coot is always easy. Could live there rest of my life. Yeah. Especially if it comes with a rocking chair. Oh my god. Give him a little pet cemetery, give him a little, oh, wouldn't go down that road. Ground sour. Give him a little spittoon.

SPEAKER_04 20:37

Oh, oh, you're coming on over for dinner? I'd love for you to meet my lovely Rita.

SPEAKER_03 20:45

Come on in, she's some gumbo cooking. Some say dead is better. Me or the food.

Eric 20:58

Got some gator gumbo. It tastes the souls. Oh man, yeah. Uh fuck. Yeah, I like I like yours like the bayou vibe to this. Like the the like there's a twang every time it cuts back to I feel like ours are running in parallel on this episode. Like they're cutting back and forth between like it's it's like heavy metal, like, like riff when it cuts to my scenes and then bayou twang.

SPEAKER_04 21:25

Boom. This is two complete like they sent two completely different teams. They're like, all right, one of you gets to go into town and go to the mosh pit. The other one of you put your waiters on and grab your crocodile, grab your gator stick because you're going diving in the bayou.

Eric 21:43

But somehow, but somehow, Zach, they're connected. Exactly. They have to be. Oh, there I love old bayou wisdom.

SPEAKER_05 21:52

Like there's some kid running around, like, I truly believe the butterflies are my dead relatives dropping in to say hi.

Eric 22:00

Like, like just saying weird cryptic shit. Or like like you know, one like on old old Koo, like, I'm as confused as a goat on astra turf. And then meanwhile, back at the punk scene, you've got like someone ripping lines of cocaine off a bar going, like, I didn't see shit.

SPEAKER_04 22:22

Man, we don't talk to cops. But then you've got what's gonna be weird is they're gonna flip it at one point, and then you're gonna have somebody in the bayou that looks like they belong in the bayou, but they're gonna talk like they be like they're from the pit. Yes, and then you're gonna run into somebody at like in the city, like in the club, and they're gonna be like, We're gonna what happened? What what do you what do you think? What do you think the motive is? Did you and they know the killer or something, and they're like, and they have a little bit of detail about, or not that they don't know the killer, they know the body, that's what I'm trying to say. So they know them in you know intimately, maybe a little bit, but they're like, Yeah, you know, he they had it coming. Well, what do you mean? And then they're gonna say something stupid like everybody's got something to hide except me and my monkey. But they just went from the guy who's like, I don't talk to cops, and oh, I want a lawyer.

Eric 23:18

I also I like your version because I'm also imagining the inverse where there's someone at the punk rock bars, clearly from the bayou. He's in his gut the overalls on.

SPEAKER_04 23:28

It's just the overalls, no shirt. Wait, one of them, one of the overalls is ripped, so it's just like half attached to like a nipple.

Eric 23:38

Oh, hell yeah. He's got punk punk patches all over his all over his fucking overalls and shit. But he's got it like a cutout for the belly, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 23:47

Like that, like his gut goes through the the overalls that still come up the side, and it's just like a shell.

SPEAKER_02 23:54

Oh god, that's so good.

Eric 23:59

I this is this is a baller episode of CSI.

SPEAKER_04 24:03

It's like when the Amish go to go to the city with technology for the first time. Yes, it's just like the bayou version when they're hanging out among the English. Yes. 100% discuss the Amish with me. God. Normally I make gumbo, but I'm in I'm in the city doing cocaine and finding me a hookah.

Eric 24:23

Now, normally I'm moonshining, but I figured since Fugazi was in town, I'd catch a show. They would know Fugazi. For for those of you, for those of you who caught that Fugazi reference, no, you didn't. Both of you, no. But yeah, all two of you. Arrow casting. Uh their names are Pat and Alyssa, and I live with them. What I'm trying to think of, like, what's the turnabout moment? What's like the moment where they're like, oh, it finally clicks? Like, who, like, oh, you oh, okay, here's here's what it is. Somehow the punks at the punk bar snuck in, they stole a gator from the bayou and snuck it into the venue. And and you, you were the gator wrangler. Like you're like they're your gators. They shot you up, stole your gator, took it to a punk rock show where it ain't their friend. It was me.

SPEAKER_05 25:32

We didn't mean nothing by it. We just thought it was gonna be cool.

SPEAKER_04 25:39

But yeah, what what the other twist is that's gonna make it like even more than just stealing the the the gator, yeah, is that I am a nefarious gator wrangler, and I store all my coke in my gators to get to transport them. Cocaine gator. Cocaine gator, but these fuckers, not every gator has cocaine, like it's strategic, but they stole one of my my cocaine gators.

Eric 26:10

Cocaine bear could never. Oh god, it's a quad. It's not every gator has cocaine, but all your cocaine is in a gator. Yes, it's how you keep it safe because who's gonna steal cocaine from gator? So, yeah, they steal a cocaine gator, take it to the punk rock show, the balloons in the gator's tummy start popping. Yes. From all the moshing.

SPEAKER_04 26:33

Well, of course, because you're tossing it around and it's just like it it it's it doesn't know what's going on.

Eric 26:39

I feel like the gator was super chill up until this point, and then it got jostled, a cocaine balloon popped, and then it was and then it was just it was it went downhill. It was blitzing all over the fucking pit. It was just fucking blah viscera gore death everywhere. Especially with you.

SPEAKER_02 27:01

Oh, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 27:02

Because you you were the death everywhere with your intestines and the oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I it just it just latched on to the first yummy morsel it could see, which when it just when it comes across to tall, delectable human such as yourself, it's like when it seems saw this, saw this absolute vixen of a of a piece of meat. I mean, when when cocaine balloons pop in your stomach, you're instantly hungry and you go for the largest thing you can find. And it's like that tall drink of meat right there. I gotta have it. I gotta have it. That's at least six foot feet of dinner right now. Do you think your your person knew what was happening? Like, you know, or did was it like one of those that it just happens and they had no idea that there was a gator just tearing them apart? Or they are they screaming help? Or are they just like, or are they just like in the moment just just go into town?

Eric 28:02

I like to think it was like this poor bastard was so goofballed he didn't realize he was being mauled by a gator.

SPEAKER_04 28:09

It's just part of the experience. You think you're in the pit, because in the pit you get kicked, you get pushed, you know adrenaline. You're part of a yeah, you're granted, you're usually it's a it's a family. It's been a gosh, last pit I was in would have been after college. So that would have been headbanger's ball, too. So I'm thinking probably like gosh. What year is this? 2026. So that would have been gosh, fift fifteen years. No. Yeah, I want to say it's been 15 years since I've been in a pit. An age appropriate time, I'd say. But it was like one of the funnest experiences because it was it's intimidating, but then you get in there, it's like, oh, we're all family. Yeah, yeah. Because as soon as someone got knocked down, everyone's like, You okay? It's like, yeah, okay. And then you start going again. Are you listening, Matt? It dude, Matt, Matt. Eric will take care of you.

Eric 29:00

Especially now that you're dead, you've got nothing to lose.

SPEAKER_03 29:03

Yeah.

Eric 29:04

There's no mistakes. No, just dance like no mosh like nobody's watching.

unknown 29:10

All right.

SPEAKER_04 29:11

Uh, so I think, yeah, I I bet your your character was just in it and just like, oh, yeah, what is this? It's okay, I'm in the pit. And then before you know it, like you're he goes to punch and it's like, huh, just like a nub goes by.

SPEAKER_02 29:24

I can't believe you've said the words the pit this many times, and not one of them has referred to the TV shop.

Eric 29:31

I like, I also like that in your narrative that the that the nefarious cocaine crocodile, like crocodile, like gator dealer is actually truly a victim. They just a bunch of punk rockers came to the bayou in their in their tricked out little little little hovercraft. They shot up an innocent cocaine. Man, like what was this country founded on if not your right to put cocaine inside alligators and then sell it? Are you selling the gator or the cocaine? Who knows what you say?

SPEAKER_04 30:04

Here my character sells both, but not always at the same time.

Eric 30:11

Ooh, I like to think it was like you're going to get it's like I'll get the shit. And you gotta like pry open the gator's jaws and reach and reach in for your brick.

SPEAKER_04 30:21

Yeah. Well, you gotta go in one of two ways. So we you know, one way you can do it yourself, another way you might have to, you know, probably with a little help from my friends, I can go and like pry it open. Otherwise, I need like um like a like a big metal tube to like shove into his mouth. Cause the gators, gators and crocodiles, like you could hold their mouth shut with like your finger, but you can't pry it open. Yeah, they're just closing muscles are insane. Yeah. So you need either people with some sort of contraption to make sure it's open, or you need like a pipe that's big enough that I can shove my arm down into his stomach and hope that he doesn't death roll me while I'm like, oh, my arm's okay, but we're going for a ride.

Eric 31:07

Makes the cocaine go down way smoother knowing it came out of a gator. Gator cane is a movie I would, I would, I would, if I were a millionaire, I would throw all my money at.

SPEAKER_04 31:22

Give me gator cane. Gator cane. I'm writing that, I'm gonna create when I when I create my um when I create my fill for uh Neatcast when I do milk and cookies with Corey and and Leo, I make up like fake products and stuff. I'm Gator Cane. I'm gonna make something for Gator Cane.

Eric 31:38

Fully endorsed by the You Didn't Ask for This podcast.

SPEAKER_04 31:41

And I will, you know what? I'm gonna make a note of that. You daft. Gator Kane. You daft five stars. Five Gator stars. Oh, look, there's my wife. Hello, lovely wife.

SPEAKER_03 31:51

Hi.

SPEAKER_04 31:52

Like a like a comet passing overhead. She just exactly. So bright, so marvelous, lights up my life. Oh. Gives me Oh gosh, there it is. The leg popped on. There it is.

Eric 32:02

Yep.

SPEAKER_04 32:03

Or that's my wife. I don't know. They're both so lovely charming.

Eric 32:07

For those of you who who aren't part of the visual part of this, the lights just came on in Zach's room.

SPEAKER_04 32:12

Yeah.

Eric 32:13

The floodlights. Uh.

SPEAKER_02 32:15

There are four lights.

Eric 32:17

Matt, you'll get that reference eventually.

unknown 32:20

Oh god, not again.

Eric 32:21

Yeah, we we just I don't know if I told you about this the last time we talked about Star Trek. We just got to that episode with this. She was delighted.

SPEAKER_04 32:29

God, it's one of my favorite episodes. It's so good. It's one of the best episodes of television. Matt, you're missing out. You got to get into that.

Eric 32:35

Bro.

SPEAKER_04 32:36

So we are at the point that we've now connected our our two CSI deaths, you know, that that through the gator and the cocaine. Yes. So now we've tied it together. But but who do we arrest? Because the gator was a victim.

Eric 32:51

The gator was a victim. The gator, the gator cane dealer was a victim. I certainly was a victim. Yes. I was just trying to.

SPEAKER_04 32:59

I was definitely, I was not a nice businessman. I was a little unscrupulous, but did I deserve to be gunned down by a bunch of punk rockers who just wanted to steal my gator as a joke, and their their answer to a joke is to gun me down.

Eric 33:14

Oh let me let me hit you with this. The punk rock bar is owned. Used to be a honky tonk back in the day. Oh. But they had to change with the times, and the owner didn't like that. The owner is a rival gator farmer from the bayou whose kid frequents that punk bar. So he so he he he orchestrates this scheme where he's like, he's like, I he's like, I want initially he didn't want you to die, he just wanted you to be ruined because he wanted one of your can gator cocaine gators to gator cane could go crazy in this bar, which of course in Florida they have insurance for that. He would have made a mint, yeah, off of off of any off of off of the scandal, off of any damages. But like, I guess he hadn't anticipated his crazy ass kid hopped up on gator cane to I mean I assume I assume they took they skinned some gator cane off the top.

SPEAKER_04 34:19

I you know, I imagine that they they already had some, and that's why they actually knew about it. Yes, that's yes, yes.

Eric 34:28

Yes, yes. So it's like old man McGillicuddy from Scooby-Doo, but like on gator cane. On gator cane is just like my new on cocaine.

SPEAKER_04 34:40

Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So that would explain, yeah. So that that's why it turned so violent and why they needed to get rid of me, because then I started to piece it together. It wasn't just random punks. I recognized the kid. Ooh, yep. I recognize the kid, and that's right. That and and I called out whatever his name, you know, Jessup, you bad boy. You you you quick, you got told you get off my land, stealing my gator. I'm gonna give you a whooping. And you know, Jessup Donna, you son of a bitch. Jessup. But this time Jessup's like, not today, and just like yeah, yeah, sideways, like you do in the bayou. Yeah, uh bot Cajun style.

Eric 35:26

In Florida.

unknown 35:28

Yes.

Eric 35:29

They're transplants from New Orleans. There's a there's a rich mythos in this episode. Uh like the behind the the the director's commentary of the CSI episode is gonna be rich with all the lore they couldn't get to explore. Like, there's like lots of seven volumes of fucking lore behind this episode. One episode. One episode. And they're like, this was uh this was truly gonna be my magnum opus, but uh, you know, due to budget constraints and pressure from the producers, we just really, we really couldn't.

SPEAKER_04 36:01

We had to cut back. We filmed for 18 weeks for one episode.

Eric 36:07

Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. It actually took us, it took us like eight or nine takes just to get the hand flying through the mosh bit, the disembodied hand.

SPEAKER_04 36:21

It just goes flying by, but they gotta keep like like no, throw it again. I don't like how it like rotated the wrong way. So they throw it again. Yeah, that's why it took 18 weeks just to throw a hand.

Eric 36:34

It was a $10 million shot. I don't regret anything. I wish, I just wish I could apply in like Hollywood to be that job, the that guy. Like, I just want to be the guy that makes the unreasonable asks. I want to be the guy they send when they're like, you know, like when they're filming Blues Brothers, when they're like, when they're like going their next 10 or 20 million like over budget, uh, I want to be the guy that's like, yeah, so we need like 67 cop cars that we can just tear apart. Didn't that have like the largest car crash? Yeah, lar most expensive, and I as far as I'm aware, not yet surpassed car chase scene of all time. Like it was it was the largest in terms of cars involved, and in char in in terms of like cost of filming that scene. They had a they they had a cocaine budget, they had a gator cane budget for that movie. Gatorcane. Shout out, blues brothers.

unknown 37:41

Gosh.

Eric 37:42

All right. I remember that from college. I don't think I've watched it since college. Oh man, I've just been a hot second watch. I I watched it a couple years ago because Alyssa had never seen it, and I was like, oh, you need to know. This is what happens when you do Gator Cane. You get the blues brothers. I feel good about this.

SPEAKER_04 38:03

We wove an entire fucking mythos. Practically. I mean, yeah, I mean, uh, the best case scenario is that they is the gator alive. Oh, the gator's alive. The gator's still alive, right?

Eric 38:13

No gators were harmed in making a no gators were harmed. I mean, like, he has sleep off all that cocaine he did, but but but he's doing great. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 38:21

I mean, we got our lead bad guy, the you know, the son of the um rival Gator Farm.

Eric 38:27

So we got our 51-liners at the top of the episode.

SPEAKER_04 38:29

Yeah, to kick it all off what you asked for. I mean, two uh vastly different scenarios that tie together in the least plausible way.

Eric 38:38

It's I think we nailed it. Hire us immediately. So let's move on to our next

You two are getting a dog together. Annnd go.

Eric 38:45

question. Okay. This is one, this is one I originally envisioned for me and Matt, like like when I put it into the question pool. But now that you're here, I I'm realizing I kind of want to ask every guest and guest host this question forever. The question is this, and it's from me. You two are buying a dog together and go. That's the question. Zach, you and I are buying a dog. Oh, I thought me and Bono. Okay. Uh no, you and me, unfortunately, I am not Bono. You're gonna have to deal with with me. Don't worry.

SPEAKER_04 39:22

I exact I I I am okay not dealing with the largest piece of shit, according to the South Park episode.

Eric 39:30

Now, the act we both know in a perfect world we'd be getting a cat together. Oh, yes. I agree. We're getting a dog together. Oh, you know what? Dogs are fine. Dogs are fine.

SPEAKER_06 39:41

Dogs are fine. Yeah.

Eric 39:43

Neither one of you deserve to care for a dog, but continue. I want to hard mode this. So let's imagine, you know, it's our lives as they are right now. You live where you live, I live where I live. We have shared custody of a dog. Oh boy. What dog? What breed? What's that schedule like?

SPEAKER_04 40:06

So, all right, so I guess we should start with what kind of dog? Um so I all of my pets um for most of my life have been cats. Um, we did have a dog when I was a kid. So that would have been Jesus, I have very little memory of Tusca. How old were you? Oh God, I would have been. What year again, what year? It's 2026. So I would have been it's been like 37 years since I owned anything other than a cat.

SPEAKER_06 40:39

Poor bastard. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_04 40:41

The cupidity of time. Yeah. Is it just it it's We had We had two dogs. I don't remember Sammy. Poor Sammy. But I do remember Tusca. She was a black lab, a long-haired lab. And she was very kind. Um and she uh she was great from what I remember. Sammy was God, what was Sammy? He was a big like not a doorman by any means, but he was like a very like muscular dog, um, from what my mom said. But he was very loyal and very protective, apparently, of me.

SPEAKER_03 41:15

Oh.

SPEAKER_02 41:16

Never-ending, yet undeserved love.

unknown 41:18

They do that.

SPEAKER_04 41:19

Yeah. Apparently there was some guy walking along the um the like when my mom was walking with me uh in our town, and she was walking back from like the village store, and Sammy was off like walking with her, but then like went off to like into the woods to sniff. And then this unscrupulous-looking guy who might have been a gator cane farmer from uh what my mom was saying, I don't know. Yeah, was walking towards her, and my mom just had this uneasy feeling as they was getting closer, but then Sammy jumped back out and was like right there next to her, just like not mean, but just a like as they went by, and the guy's like, oh, and then from the way that my mom says it, like he kind of like went okay and went like around us. So whether there was something to that, I don't know. Um, so I would be okay with like uh any sort of lab.

Eric 42:06

Lab you can never go wrong. I also had a I had a I had a one uh I had two dogs growing up, um, and I didn't have a cat until I was twenty six. Oh I had dogs and cats as a kid, so but it was just cats after after Tusca. I but like growing up we had dogs, and I was real little, it was our dog Whiskey, whiskey, who was whiskey. She was a good dog. She was uh uh uh she was a mix of a beagle, I think, and chow. Like she was like a medium-sized dog. She she would like sleep under my crib and all that stuff. Like, she was the dog, she was more my brother's dog than mine, but I loved that dog so goddamn much. Uh, but like my dog was Patches, and Patches was a mix of a black lab and a Wimer Ramer, and she she she was just like a real like run to the litter. Uh Wymer Ramers are are are almost like similar to Greyhounds, I think. They have those like super people eyes. Wimer's have like the saddest people eyes you ever see. Patches had people eyes. It was it was nuts.

SPEAKER_02 43:13

Oh, you think they're cute.

Eric 43:15

Yeah, she was like, and it was truly that. We went to the SPCA, we were walking around looking at dogs. I saw her, and I was like, that's the one. That's that's my dog. She was she was a good dog, she had a good life, but yeah, blah, so yeah, I I would absolutely because like labs are so chill, like in terms of of like, they're not gonna freak out. No, like the worst thing they're gonna do is have boundless energy that you need to like account for.

SPEAKER_04 43:49

Yeah. Like, you know, I love I love how they look, but I would I would never get a husky because they are just pure energy and you need the the room. To let them out.

Eric 44:02

They're a dog. Do you need a farm for? You need that space for them. I um when I was living in in Dundalk a suburb of Baltimore, I ran into someone that I used to LARP with. And I ran into them. I didn't know they lived in the neighborhood. I found out very quickly because I saw this person in a foot cast trying to hobble after a husky who is sprinting around the neighborhood. And I I ran out like, oh no. And I like go out and like I call the dog over. I grab the pup and I'm like, is this your dog? And it turns out I had LARPed with this person for like many years. Like, oh, found out. Yeah, she she apparently decided uh she needed a husky. And this was at peak Game of Thrones popularity. So the husky was named after one of the direwolves. Uh, but Zach, brother, we in the neighborhood we were living in in Dundalk, these are like 900 square foot townhouses that she was keeping a husky in. That's not big enough. That's a room. That husky will ruin your life. Yeah. As it should, because you had the audacity to keep it in a fucking townhouse in Dundalk. No. No, you need room for that. So I'm I'm very on board with lab. Um now here's a question yellow lab or chocolate lab?

SPEAKER_04 45:28

Oh, leaving out the black lab. Interesting. Um, I mean, when you say lab, I think you you typically think of like a like a golden lab automatically. Yo, yeah. But chocolate labs are gorgeous. Oh, yeah. I mean, I'm not I'm not particular to um a particular color by any means. I'm I'm open. Oh, yeah. We're very progressive on this. Whatever. I mean, I don't limit a dog by its color that that people expect.

Eric 46:00

No, I don't see color. I'm a dog. Exactly. I'm colorblind, kid. I can't I can't see any what what roses are gray, violets are gray.

SPEAKER_04 46:10

I'm a dog. Yeah, but damn, I love what you had for dinner last night. Okay, so so maybe we're feeling chocolate lab.

SPEAKER_06 46:20

Chocolate lab luxurious, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 46:22

Velvety. A velvety. This um this dog gives me the velvety feeling. I'll go with that.

Eric 46:35

Uh so so now the crucial question. Yeah, we gotta we have a chocolate lab. What do we name in this lab? Oh, I mean that what is your and and let me ask you this. What is your do you think dogs get people names? Do you name a dog Chris or Rudolph? Do dogs get people names? Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 46:54

They do, because people name them people names.

Eric 46:58

That is people do come up with their names.

SPEAKER_04 47:01

Yes.

Eric 47:02

But there's a world of difference between fluffy and uh David.

SPEAKER_04 47:07

Yeah, so I guess the better way to answer your question is um I would not go with a traditional uh people name. I will, you know, the first thing that comes to mind, the unoriginal name, but very fitting would be um, you know, that that it's a chocolate lab, something like Hershey. Hershey is clut is so good. Milk Dud or Reese's or something that obviously, I mean, I it's not the most creative, but very fitting.

Eric 47:39

I feel like labs get classic dog names. Yeah. Like Hershey is good. It's like it's like what everyone knew someone with a cat named Shadow. Like, like black cats get like smoky, shadow, Binks for the Binks for the hocus pocus enthusiast. That's right. Do you now now here's a follow-up question. Do you have you followed any naming conventions for your pets throughout your life? Like some people like they they follow like a sort of logic with all of their names. Um, I know, I know like one friend would name all of their cats, or not all their cats, all their pets after characters from Shakespeare. Their dog was named Brutus.

SPEAKER_04 48:18

Uh, not with my dogs, but for a number of years, we did have um fish.

unknown 48:26

Ooh.

SPEAKER_04 48:27

And they were freshwater.

unknown 48:28

Oh, nice.

SPEAKER_04 48:29

And do you know what a placostomus is? No. Look it up now, though. Go look up placostus.

SPEAKER_05 48:35

Oh, sucker mouth. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 48:37

Oh, oh, these dudes are awesome. These are algae eaters. You you can get them when they're small, and then they can grow, they grow as big as your tank. So, you know, the kicker is like their bodies will stop growing, but their organs keep growing, so you kind of have to continue to put them in bigger and bigger tanks.

Eric 48:53

I didn't know they ever got this big.

SPEAKER_04 48:55

I we had one that was well over like like eight inches long in like a 20, 20 anch-inch tank, and then we had to donate it to like a bigger tank because it kept growing. So we always, and it I was told it was because when I was a kid, I wanted to name it George. So always for every time going forward, um, and then after my my parents got divorced and my sister uh you know lived with my mom and she still had fish, if they had a placostomis, its name was always George. Nice. That's the only time we re I really did that, I guess. My mother did um did uh kind of do the the straightforward naming for like some of the cats that she would adopt. Uh we grew up with like an old barn attached to our house. So we had we have some Bond cats back in the day.

Eric 49:49

Ooh, oh you yeah, you had mousers.

SPEAKER_04 49:51

We did. Um, and they would be they were technically feral, but the uh some of them you know grew get to new know us and would be around us and we'd feed them. And so, you know, if there was uh a black cat, my mom would call her BC. And if there was a tiger cat, it was TC. And then there was a black and white cat, so that was BW. So that for for my childhood for the feral cats were like not super original names, but just like real quick, like all right, that one's you know, this, that, and the other thing, because you may have one or two of these feral cats, you know, hanging around, you know, periodically. Yeah. They're like co-workers.

Eric 50:29

Yeah, in a way, but they were still part of the family. Hell yeah. Yeah. I've always been curious about bar like when I at my old job, there there were someone like like there was cork board where people would put up like all like the personals and like you know, for sales or like blah blah blah. And there was someone who was like who would like raise and train barn cats. And like it was like, oh yeah, if you want a barn cat, and like, but like most of the poster was disclaimer just saying, Hey, this isn't a cat you bring into your house, you just provide them water and they do the rest. Yep.

SPEAKER_04 51:05

We have that at our local um place where you get the animals shelter. Oh nice. Um, yeah, they they actually have a compound that's off to the side where they keep the barn cats. And because we have a lot of farms and we have people that live rurally, so and they have the exact same disclaimer that we they have barn cats, but they are not for indoors, they are not for being around your family. It's like, come get you know, this one's real good mouser, you know? Yeah, like if everything's going right, you may never see them. Exactly. You may never you may never have to really even feed them, you know. That's kind of how it is, but they're there and you know that they're working.

SPEAKER_06 51:41

God, they're like the navy seals of cats.

SPEAKER_04 51:45

That's who we sent in.

SPEAKER_06 51:47

So badass.

SPEAKER_04 51:49

Well, bombers on the phone call calling the barn cat.

Eric 51:53

What's that cat's name? Zero Dark 30. Yes. So what are we naming our chocolate lab? I my my naming conventions. Anytime I've had a say over a name of a cat, I just pick names from books. So, like I had a crocodile gecko that I I couldn't name patches because patches already had a name when we rescued her.

SPEAKER_04 52:14

Yeah.

Eric 52:14

Um, whiskey was named before I was born. Uh, but I got to name my my crocodile gecko. I named him Norbert after the dragon, the little baby dragon from Harry Potter. And Amelia, I named after Amelia Bedelia. Yes, which is precious. Oh, it's precious. I I I I knocked it out of the park on that name because anytime I'm like, oh, that's my cat Amelia. Her full name's Amelia Bedelia, and that always gets a oh you get that reaction. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 52:44

Gosh, what do we call the chocolate lab? Chocolate lab. I again the the candy is the easy one, but what can we what can we do that's we need something that's fresh, but also not not so much it can be smart, but not a thinker. Yes.

Eric 53:01

Because you want people to get it right away and go, oh I I I also see to keep it simple and and as a nod to to to to theater, shak a lot. Shaka con. Shaka con is good. And then I just thought, con. What what con! Yeah. Okay. So chocolate lab. Are you okay if it's a female? Oh, absolutely. Okay. All of my pets have been girls, weirdly enough. Except for Norbert. Yeah, he was a dude, but I'm fine.

SPEAKER_04 53:31

I'm fine with whatever. I know some people they're like, no, I prefer boys, girls, you know, whatever the anti-Has ever really been a preference, it's just all the ones I end up adopting tend to be girls. What if we all right? So she's a chocolate lab, a little bit brownish. What if we call her Murphy? Murphy Brown.

Eric 53:47

Murphy Brown. Murphy. I love that. Okay. Murphy is a great name for a girl dog. And anytime she acts up, we can just be like, Murphy's Law. Murphy. Murphy. And Murphy Brown. Like, it's got very much gonna get delightful all the time in our lives.

SPEAKER_04 54:08

Knowing myself and you, Murphy's Law is gonna get enacted. Oh, yeah. Murphy.

Eric 54:12

Frequently. Call her Murph. Murph, get Murphy. I love anything that can be shortened. My though, I will say uh Murphy's the name. Um, this is just a side tangent. My shout out to my mother for Annie May Poach. Uh, no matter what name an animal has, my mother will invent uh a nickname, no matter how unnicknameable you you you like you think it might be. Like, like for example, like Amelia, like she call like she will come up with the baby name for it like Amelia is Mimi. Mimi Mimi, come here, Mimi. She she has to have a baby name for everything. And I think that's really endearing. Does he not say that he does the same thing? Murph, the Murph, Murph also just it's just got that nice, it's got that weighty lovableness to it. Murphy. Murphy, come here, Murphy.

SPEAKER_02 55:10

Murph.

SPEAKER_04 55:12

So we got the name, we got to type a dog, uh, what and then we gotta figure out how we're co-parenting.

Eric 55:19

So I would go to the ends of the earth for Murphy.

SPEAKER_06 55:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 55:22

I would I would go to the ends of your earth for you.

SPEAKER_06 55:25

Oh, baby. You can't just say that to me.

SPEAKER_04 55:28

Not while Matt's out of the room.

unknown 55:29

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_04 55:30

Matt, Matt's listening.

SPEAKER_06 55:31

He's always listening.

SPEAKER_02 55:33

Yeah, you can say that. That's fine.

Eric 55:35

Matt, also feel free to drop in your your your your opinion of our of our of our dog name here. I feel like it's an absolute banger. I neither see nor require your permission. So I love a road trip, and I feel like Murphy would be a road trip and dog. I would I would happily like every other weekend just road trip to you, bring you the dog, and then we and then we trail. I'd drive, I'd even drive back up, pick her up. Give me any I I'm a simple human. Give me any reason to drive long distances and blast tunes with my dog. I think that's a good time. I'm happy as a clam. You're a dad. You've got obligations. I'm I'm just a simple, simple, simple farm boy podcaster out here. I can, I can, I can make the drives. I would drive to the ends of the earth for Murphy and for Zach ED.

SPEAKER_04 56:25

I love I do it for you guys. I I've done I've done that numerous times, actually. That's how I've met so many podcasters and people that you know I've never been around. That's how I met Mike and Jeremy was through uh you know playing World of Warcraft and getting together with them and uh same with the boys from F and Culture and DT from Space Castle and like go different places and meet different people.

Eric 56:50

Now was I'm trying to remember this. Was it you or Mike who showed up to the other's house like out of the blue? Like I remember it was someone who like showed up at your at a house on a motorcycle. Am I remembering this correctly? Um, I mean, I ride a motorcycle.

SPEAKER_04 57:07

Um I and I I did meet up uh originally. I was I was uh doing a trip out to New York and I had been gaming with uh Justin and Mike and and uh the other guys in in WoW. And while I was out there, I was like, I don't know, an hour and 15 minutes from where they were. And I was like, hey, if anyone's around, I'll come meet you in real life because we've been interacting online for like two years. And so then I met up at uh one of the bars in Amsterdam near Schenectady, which is a dark place, uh where where you're not supposed to go. That's like the the dark place in um uh the Lion King. Oh, yeah. You must never go there, Zachy D. That's Essex out here. Yes. So yeah, that was that was me originally. Um from from there, yeah. We I I did trips into New York like four hours. I I it was like in March I went to New York City and met up with DT, who was out from uh Colorado. So it's like that's the closest that he's been out out east. So yeah, I'll do I'll I would easily drive down towards you. I love road tripping. Mike. I just have to plan it, obviously plan it ahead. Um, you know, whether the kids are coming with me or you know, the whole family's coming down, or we know, hey, we'd we'd switch off here and there. My one I would share, I would share a puppers with you.

Eric 58:29

My one condition, and I think you'll agree to it. Yeah. We gotta get a little sidecar for the dog on your motorcycle.

SPEAKER_04 58:37

I was gonna bring it up of either one, uh, I get a sidecar, which I could do, or um, I can get uh like kind of a harness and have her sit on the back seat and get little, you know, little goggles and helmet for her, and she would sit on the back and she could look over my shoulder and just hang there.

Eric 58:59

Zach, let's get a dog right now. Let's get a dog. It'd be so fun. You can she murph would have such a great time. You can donate to the Zach Deuce and Eric Poe to get a dog fund by subscribing to our Patreon. That's patreon.com slash you didn't ask for this. Um a dollar or four dollars a month, and you can make this a reason. Yeah, that's the that's and then a new tier of Patreon just dropped. It's the dog tier.

SPEAKER_04 59:29

The uh the additional uh monthly uh monthly episode between myself and Eric of oops, all poops. Yes, and Matt will be able to contribute with that occasionally. We'll be talking about the dog, but he'll be able to weigh in with his human.

Eric 59:49

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Matt Matt Matt only stands to gain from this because now he has friend with dog who can bring dog by. Like two friends with dogs who can bring dog by.

SPEAKER_04 59:59

Like it's a chocolate lab that naturally loves children, and children naturally love a lab.

Eric 1:00:06

Yeah. I have never met a lab I did not love. And I'm a child at heart at all times. And and also, wait, I had a thought. Where did it be? Well, he struggles to make content just to clarify. No, we will not be using your money for this. Come back to me. I'll wake up in a cold, cold sweat, and I'll and I'll rarely don't bit.

SPEAKER_04 1:00:31

Shoot up and launch the cat off your chest. Amelia Videlia, no.

Eric 1:00:39

Yeah, I all I exclusively wake up like the dad from Don't Wake Daddy, just straight vertically. My nightcap flying across the room. I think I think it's doable. This dog will hunt. I, I, I, it'll, it'll, it'll, it'll this is this is perfect.

Closing Segment: Objectives Revealed

Eric 1:00:56

So I think that brings us now, Zach, to our closer, which is where we reveal our hidden objectives.

SPEAKER_04 1:01:07

That's right.

Eric 1:01:08

Now, this is also where we give each other a chance to call each other out on what our objectives might have been. I believe in belligerent honesty, Zach. If you had objectives, I don't know what the fuck they were. Oh, perfect. You were you were you, I have, I have nothing. Oh I have abs I have just brust fucking. I couldn't even fucking hazard a guess you smooth. At one point I thought to myself, oh man, did he forget that there were objectives? Because at one point I forgot and then I remembered and I was like, ooh, better start knocking these out. Yes.

unknown 1:01:50

We can all hear that.

SPEAKER_04 1:01:51

Well, uh to uh well, that's great. Thank you so much. Um, I will I will be forthcoming and uh I miscounted our questions, so I was banking on another five minutes, so I did not get to one of my objectives. So that's okay.

Eric 1:02:06

It's all right. I I and for what it's worth, one of mine I'm I almost guarantee I failed. Uh so uh how do we want to do this? Uh how about do you want to tell me what your what your objectives were?

SPEAKER_04 1:02:21

I had I'll I'll tell you the one that I failed. Okay. And and uh I was supposed to uh bring forth some Yadaf fandom that doesn't exist. Oh interesting. And there actually is something that I was gonna talk to you and Matt about that was gonna be the trigger for it. Um, and that is real. I am gonna talk to you and Matt about something uh for a thought that I've actually had for a long time when I first discovered the You Daft podcast. Uh and that was gonna be my jumping point. But um But I just again I I misjudged the time. I was having so much fun, I didn't even look at how long we've been fucking talking. I truly I fell into the same trap.

Eric 1:03:07

I was like, this is such a good conversation.

SPEAKER_04 1:03:08

And then as soon as you said, I think we're wrapping up, it was like, well, I fucked that one up. There was something in the back of my head where I was like, you have objectives, you must do them. I was like, fuck, right. All right. So that was the one that I failed. Okay. Uh my other two objectives was uh I had to use a particular phrase three times that it's been blank years since I blanked. Oh yes. And it but it had to increase each time. The number of years for whatever I was talking about. So like yes. So I couldn't just pick random numbers. So the first time it was four years from old owning a cat. And then it was 15 years from whatever the fuck it uh I was talking about, and then 35 years for the dog.

Eric 1:03:57

Incredible. Yeah, no, I did not clock that at all. It's like all I could keep thinking was like, what a storied life Zach Deuce must lead.

SPEAKER_04 1:04:06

Um, now the last one took a little bit uh of planning. And I was trying to write this down as I was going through it because I had a uh a number of these that I knew off the top of my head, but then also went, I need to have just a just just something I can reference. And that was to say, in natural conversation, work in five Beatles song titles.

Eric 1:04:33

Oh, I rem Oh, that's so good. Because there was there was one of them where I remembered you saying it and going, ah, Beatles.

unknown 1:04:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:04:42

And if you said Beatles, I would fail automatically. Oh, that's good. I had a similar one. So I had help. Nice at one point. Um, lovely Rita. Yep. I remember that. Happiness is a warm gun. That's the one where I was like, oh, Beatles.

Eric 1:05:02

Yeah, nice Beatles reference.

SPEAKER_04 1:05:03

Uh and I actually went over five. I just wanted to make sure. Oh, a certain point. If I fucked something up, I was like, I'm doing more than five. Uh Bad Boy.

unknown 1:05:12

Nice.

SPEAKER_04 1:05:13

Oh, fly uh flying by. Was it flying? Uh it might have just been flying. Yeah, it is. It's just called flying. And then the last one that I I saw, I I I remember this because we've used it on A to Z when we've done it on the radio station. And it's like, I'm working this in just because it's fucking crazy. Everybody's got something to hide except me and my monkey.

SPEAKER_02 1:05:34

That is brilliant. God, that's so good, Zach.

SPEAKER_04 1:05:40

And there may have been a couple others, but those are the ones I was trying to like jot down like while looking at the screen, be like, I think I'm spelling this word out correctly. And then I look down and go, No, I did not. Well done, my friend. Thank you. So, Matt, um uh hopefully I I completed those at least in the years um appropriately. Uh, but I I also may have fucked up the phrase that he gave me. It's been blank years since I blanked. Uh so I may have fucked that up too. So I'll leave that up to Matt.

Eric 1:06:07

Matt, if I fuck that up, please let me know. There's one I'm almost certain I fucked up, or not for the reason that Matt is certainly going to try to call me on, and I'll get to that. Uh my first one, I had to say the names of all nine reindeer: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, and Rudolph.

SPEAKER_04 1:06:30

I, yo, the Rudolph did make me pause for a second. That was the diceyest one. That was the one. Because you just threw that one out there and I went, hmm. Hmm. The other ones I do remember hearing, like, you worked them in much better. Oh, in Kevin.

Eric 1:06:48

With the rest of them.

SPEAKER_04 1:06:49

And Rudolph was just like, I gotta pray. And it is. It's it's like the good, the fun part is when you design these, it's like you're gonna toss that grenade in there, and then someone's gonna, you're just hoping that grenade just goes off, but there's so much other chaos going on that nobody picks up on it. And it was enough, it was enough that I was in like mid-conversation that it just like it triggered a bit, and I was like, no, I'm getting my thing out right now.

Eric 1:07:14

I was hoping I would keep steamer because mine was similar to where if I you know, if I said the word beetle, you would fail yours. If you said the word reindeer, I would fail. So like with Rudolph, that was where the I I the rest of them I was like fail.

SPEAKER_04 1:07:27

If you got through that, you were fine.

Eric 1:07:30

Uh so there was that one. Um, then there was one. This is this is fucking wild. Um, in keeping with the survivor fandom, there were two survivor quotes that I had to use. I would never have known them. I have never watched Survivor. Well, the challenge was I had to say them both while answering the same question. And so like I couldn't spread them out at all. They had to be like both be involved the same question. So the quotes were quote, I truly believe that butterflies are dead relatives saying hi. Yep. And I'm as confused as a goat on Astroturf. And as and as soon as we had bayou folk, I was like, bam, I can work these in, no problem.

SPEAKER_04 1:08:20

And knowing you, that tracks. That's part of normal poach conversation. That's a that's two poachisms.

Eric 1:08:28

Oh, I oh, I'm stealing, I'm as confused as a goat on AstroTurf. I don't even know who said that because Met Matt's knowledge of survivors encyclop encyclopedic. Mine goes back three seasons. Uh, and then finally, this one was the one I'm almost certain I failed, but not for the reason that Matt's gonna say. Already getting at me on it, I'm sure.

SPEAKER_03 1:08:54

Matt, I had to cut him, cut him.

Eric 1:08:57

I had to say the numbers one through ten in conversation. In order or not, uh just because that would suck. The kicker was what made it suck was once I've said a number, I cannot repeat that number for the rest of the episode. And you and there was one moment where I'd gotten through all 10, and then at one point following that, I said, Oh, you know, 10 to 20 million, yada yada yada, and that's where Matt's gonna try to count fucking call me out. But I will remind you, Matt, that the number 10 and 10 million are two very different numbers by several orders of magnitude.

SPEAKER_04 1:09:42

I would uh agree with you, Poach, that the difference between 10 and 10 million is quite different. They have the same numbers being used in certain positions, but they are drastically different numbers.

Eric 1:09:59

Yeah. Yeah. I I would I would say that the difference between them is 990 million, you know, you know, math.

SPEAKER_04 1:10:11

You know, you you can wear peep kids playing along at home. You know what we're saying. You get the bit. Kids, finish the joke for me.

Eric 1:10:19

It's your phone poach. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:10:21

And then put your sunglasses on and go, yeah, yeah.

Eric 1:10:25

Um, but that said, that said, that's the one where I'm like, I definitely didn't get didn't I don't get buzzed. I think you've got it. But you got it. The reason I'm like, I'm pretty sure I failed this is because that's the only defense. I once I got through the 10 numbers, I stopped tracking that one and I stopped policing my my number saying so there's probably just the super cut here of me fucking this up. Hashtag create more work for Matt.

SPEAKER_06 1:10:56

There'll be nothing to do. But that's it. You nailed it.

SPEAKER_01 1:10:59

Yeah, I'm definitely not doing a supercut, but I did go through the transcript to check you on various things because I didn't think you said dancer or cupid as far as the reindeer names go, but you did say dancers uh in in one of your old timey voices, and you said cupidity, which was very clever indeed. As for the numbers, uh, I actually do not have any record of you saying the number 10 at all. So since you are so adamant on me not counting 10 to 20 million, I won't. You also never said the number five, at least not before you the objectives were stated, which I would consider to be before the uh the counting really begins. Um you did successfully say three, six, seven, eight, and nine all exactly one time. With six, you also said it a second time before the objectives were stated. You said four three times, you said two eight times, and you said one a baffling 21 times, and that is not counting some ones or anything like that. So there you go. There's your results. Um, you failed. Yeah, well, well played, my friend.

SPEAKER_04 1:12:30

Well, thank you. Yeah, I I I wasn't really sure what to guess with. Again, that Rudolph would kind of maybe go, huh? But by the end of it, like I wasn't, I was racking my brain going, yeah, I can't fucking remember anything.

Eric 1:12:45

It's it's it it's a good problem to have when our when when our esteemed guest is so goddamn funny and personable and wonderful to talk with. Well, thank you. I get distracted from the mind games that Matt and also shout out, Matt. These tasks were were phenomenal. No, they were brutal, and I love them.

SPEAKER_04 1:13:05

I loved it. I I like you know Matt uh Matt's presentation uh you know to me, uh giving me a little bit of shit. Um, but then you know, self-admittedly go, oh no, it's okay.

Eric 1:13:15

Oh, I can't wait to hear yours. I got like the the the the 1920s detective noir treatment. So did I. Sick. So did I.

SPEAKER_04 1:13:23

Much like what I did for both of you. It's like you each get your own, but they're the same.

SPEAKER_06 1:13:28

Nice.

Eric 1:13:30

Well, I I think we come now. God, this still feels so unnatural, but I think it's time to I give them the business, Zach. Give them the business.

SPEAKER_04 1:13:41

You this is your your you've put on your big boy pants. You nailed, you nailed the number two weeks ago. You can do it again. Oh, all right.

Eric 1:13:51

I fake it. Folks, we need your questions. Uh, you could send them to you didn't ask for this at gmail.com. You can also send them on Instagram, that's at you didn't ask pod. That's the letter U. And that's the same handle for Facebook, TikTok, wherever you go to, you know, dread your day before you get to us.

SPEAKER_06 1:14:15

Instagram. And hopefully we, you know, you can you can lift them up, Eric. And you can also call us at the thought line.

Eric 1:14:22

That is 410-929-5329. Call us anytime. See how easy it is. Just check in. You don't call enough. You don't call enough. I'm just gonna say tell you that, listener. You don't call enough. Call us more. Tell us about your day. Doesn't even have to be a question.

SPEAKER_04 1:14:41

No, just a thought. Because it's the thought that's the thought. It's the thought that counts. And and so does the the line. I I think it does count.

Eric 1:14:51

Yeah.

unknown 1:14:52

Yeah.

Eric 1:14:53

So from all of us here, you didn't ask for this. Uh from from my esteemed now father co-host Matt Shea and his wonderful family and his new baby.

SPEAKER_04 1:15:06

I mean, his wife's a hero, but he was there. It's true. My name is Eric Poach. My name is Zachy D. And listen, you didn't ask, but if if we had to introduce Matt to another Matt, like two cats, would we would we put each one of them on like a different side of a door? I think that's the key. Like like, because like when you have them like face to face, that's when like I when you surprise Matt. Does he like do the thing with his back again?

SPEAKER_02 1:15:38

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:15:39

Like the hair in his back stands up.

Eric 1:15:41

Yeah, he he does not like another cat entering his feet. You have to slowly introduce them via smell at first, and then maybe we like after a couple weeks we move to like feeding them on other sides of the door, so they start to associate food with it, but they're not competing for that food. No. Maybe we do a little bed swap. We swap like things that smell like them.

SPEAKER_04 1:16:06

Yeah. So they get used to each other's sound, but still in their normal bed. So that you know 80% of what they're smelling is them, 20% Matt Shea. I mean, I that's just math. I mean, when I start smelling Matt Shea, I always start at a good 20. Oh, yeah. And then I just go up from there. I'm gonna go use a litter box, excuse me.

Eric 1:16:43

What was this country founded on, if not your right, to put cocaine inside alligators and then sell it?