You Didn't Ask For This
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You Didn't Ask For This
141 | Thirsty Thurston
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How long is someone allowed to cough in a movie theater before you get someone to kick them out? Then: Lost in the Sauce....what sauce?
To close this one out, we warm up our Definitive Ranking muscles with a mini-ranking of the Danish Butter Cookies. You know the ones.
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Cold Open
EricYe and I cannot stress this enough, Matthew. Ha.
MattI have a feeling it'd be haul. Matt, I come to I come to you today in this our cold open with a conundrum. This has legitimately been vexing me for months now. Oh, so this is a question for me to solve for you. I turn to you in my darkest hour. In your time of need, as you always do, or never. Matt, my friends are putting together a little shindig out in the woods that we're calling cowboy prom. Cowboy prom. Should I take notes? No, no, no, no, no. I'm gonna take notes. Okay, okay. Cowboy prom. Cowboy Prom takes place in the woods of West Virginia. It's cowboy themed. There will be a cowboy-themed band playing that's composed of my friends. Uh there will be act cowboy-themed activities. Deep in the woods of West Virginia where you find cowboys. Yep, got it. Right where you find cowboys. Matt, on the RSVP, there are two fields that you need to fill in when you when you you know when you accept the invitation. Ye and ha? Three. Yeah. The two genders, ye and ha. The cowboy binary. Yeah. Sorry, there are three fields. One, are you coming? I was like, hmm, always. Nice Austin Powers. Thank you. Two and three, though, this is where I need your help. And this has legitimately been my struggle. What is your cowboy name? Okay. And what is your horse's name? Okay, the second one's very important. Um the uh first one I'm a little confused by because you're saying it as if it it's a thing, like your drag name or something like that. It's it's like, what what is and for those of you familiar like with with with Burning Man, it's like your burner name. It's like your your your what's your cowboy alias for this party? What are we calling? You just want an alias. I I need an alias. I need a cool cowboy alias. And uh, Matt, it's one of those like someone's like, think of something funny right now and tell me. And I just can't think I I I have it's giving me stress. I don't I don't know if you know about stress or being in a stressful, you know, lead up to something, but I am stressed about this. I've had some experience with this uh stress, is it? I mean, Matt. I've known the woman that is stress and what a temptress she is. I thought her name was Lindsay. Hell but now she's gonna kick your ass now. Um but no, I like I uh I want to be rootin'. I want to be tootin', and you gotta be tootin'. All right, let's let's break this down. I think the first thing you want to address in a cowboy name is are you gonna have the in infused nickname of like, for example, big blank? Because that writes name parentheticals, nickname, last name. Or no, or just the parentheticals. Like, you know, like uh not that he was a cowboy, but like a stonewall Jackson kind of situation, you know. Psychotic Ted. Yeah. Because like you could be big any just any old thing, just because you are you are a tall man. Yeah, you're a large, you're an intimidating force to anyone who doesn't know you. Or yeah, or has not spoken to me for longer than five seconds. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, not with the glasses you got on right now. You're gonna have to lose those. I'm gonna have to lose. No, no, dorks can't be cowboys. You are wearing a bandana around your neck, got that going for me. So you're halfway there. Whoa, whoa. Living on this prayer, Matthew. You are living on this prayer. The horse, I have a lot of thoughts on. As someone who's played Red Dead Redemption 2, I have formed bonds with many horses. Yes. And I, of course, name them all. But, and you we've talked about this on the show before. I love a horse name. Some the Kentucky Derby was last weekend. None of the ones I remember. But anyway, we got some good names. Yet again, there's always good names. But I don't think horse racing names that you see there, you know, no, I can't be rolling up. They're not the same. You don't want to be rolling up on shaving a haircut. No, which is an excellent racing horse thing. It's such a good one. Yeah, I think the only exception to this is the name American Pharaoh. American Faraday. I feel like that slots in everywhere, always, forever. Not only one of the greatest racehorses, just one of the greatest horse names in the history of time. It rules. It fucking rules. But no, I hear you on that. Yeah. Okay. So what first of all, when what where are you with the nickname? Do you think you want one, or do you want like just the Clint Eastwood kind of approach to cowboydom? Here's where I've landed so far. This is the only thing that I've said I was like, okay, maybe this is something. It's gonna be cold open, I can tell. Cornelius Cobb. Eric, Cornelius Cobb. Cornelius Cobb is a good western name. It is a good western name. It does sound like the local oil baron that the cowboy is up against. Or the local, uh, the the local coot. The local coot the old coot. Oh, cornelius cob. Cornelius cob.
EricYeah, which I could lean, I because I everything stems from the name, Matthew. Like I like I can't even think about like what I want my attire to be until I know what my name is. Because that's gonna inform so much.
MattI could go old timey prospector. If uh we'll why don't we start with an amalgamation, okay? Okay, I like Cobb as a last name. That's a that's a fun name for you. For the first name, I don't know why it's jumping to mind. What about Thurston? Thurston Cobb? Thurston Cobb. I I Thurston Cobb is Thurston Cobb's idea. That fucks. That's old Thurston Cobb movie. Oh Thurston Cobb. Yeah, and then Thurston Thurston Tall Pine Cobb. No, we lose it with Tall Pine. Um Cornelius could be a middle name. Redwood, Eric. Thurston Redwood Cobb. Nah, it doesn't work, but Redwood's a good nickname for you. Redwood is a good nickname. Redwood. First name Red. Last name Wood. Red Wood. Uh old Redwood. Oh Redwood could be the name of your horse, though, too. Ooh, Redwood. Redwood. Oh. If it's a red horse, like a like an amber colored horse. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What kind of horse color are you going for? I think I like where you're at with like that red, like that, that, that, what's the word I'm looking for?
EricThat like rusty, dusty red red.
MattLike a dusty red, like like oh, rusty scupper. Rusty scupper.
EricI'm a sail, I'm a sailing cowball.
MattYou're a sailing cow. You're right. That's too nautical. It has to be Rusty Spur. Rusty Spur. Okay, Rusty Spur is the name of a saloon. It's gotta be. Uh that must be the name of a watering hole.
EricSpur French name Omomom. Spur au moment. Spur of the moment. But it requires too much thinking. Too much thinking.
MattI like Thurston Spur of the Moment, by the way. Amazing horse name for the game. Spur of the moment. Oh, 1000. Spur of the moment. I like where we got Thurston Cobb. Thurston Cobb. I honestly I feel good about Thurston Cobb. I feel good about Thurston Cobb. Now we need the horse. Thurston Cobb riding in on his trusty steed. Six white horses. Oh, he rides six white horses. When he comes. When he comes round the mountain. Thurston Cobb. Oh, my horse's name could be Cornelius. Yes, it could. Yes, it could. I feel like a Cornelius horse would be it'd be a good name for like a Cornelius? Like a horse that's like got that white and brown spot like mix going on. Yeah. That's a good name for a white and brown spotted horse, Cornelius, with ridden by Thurston Cobb. Now is now here's my question. And this is because you could go either way with Thurston Cobb. I could see Sheriff Thurston Cobb. That's and I could see mean Thurston Cobb. That's where where I'm like, do we want the first name to be Thurston T-H-U-R-S-T-O-N Thurston? Or imagined parenthetical name T-H I R S T I N apostrophe. Thurston Cobb. Eric. Thirsty Thurston Cobb. Thirsty Thurston Cobb. Or if you want it to be more 21st century sexual, Thurston Thurston Cobb. Thurston Thurston. Thirsty Thurston is Thurston's good, man. I I can see I look because God, Eric, I've knocked this out of the fucking park. Brother, you have freed me from a hell. I'm glad, Thurston. Oh, yeah. I'm glad I could do that for you, Mr. Cobb. And I'll do it for anybody. The fucking doctor's in, people. The doctor is in. In this case, I'm the doctor. Yeah! Ha!
Intro
MattWe're about, I think we're we're we're we're slowly about to cross the Rubicon where we'll have known each other longer than we didn't. That's sholy shit. That fuck up your brain. That's that's wild. And hello and welcome, everybody. Yeah. Let them let them let him in on that. Let him in on that. Welcome to You Didn't Ask for This. And I certainly didn't ask to be reminded of my own mortality. This is the podcast that answers life's least pressing questions and what your cowboy name is. My name's Matthew Shea. My name's Eric Poach. No, it's not. You're right. Try it again.
EricThe name's Cobb. Thirst and Cobb.
MattFriends call me Thirsty. And that is how he talks, my friend. Oh, that is how he talks. I I just did a uh uh an audiobook um it that will only be on the Bard app if you uh are out there with the Bard app. Uh but I did a recording of To the Absarica by B.N. Rundell. It's a little Western thing. Uh this is the third in his series, I believe it's the Buckskin Chronicles book three. Damn. Uh yeah, but at a certain point, I had a bunch of these voices for these cowboys and whatnot. And then at some point I needed a slightly, slightly like old coot character. And you better believe I went with, well, she not saying the other way she. No, I'm sorry. How are you, partner? That was terrible. Thirsty. How a waste. Man's got a thirst. Man's got a thirst that can't be quenched.
EricOh man, dude. I'm also remembering now I even have corn cob pipes.
MattThey're gonna have, I gotta bring one. You got to bring a corncob pipe. You got to have a corncob pipe. No self-respecting West Virginian cowboy. He's a moonshiner. He's a he's a moonshiner. He's got a corncob pipe. I I gotta, I need to find a big ass jug with through and paint three X's. No self-respecting Appalachian Appalachian uh West Virginian cowboy done have his corn cob pipe. And his trusty 3x moonshine battle. Yeah, amen. Made in a made in a a kohler tub.
EricBut uh yeah, no, I'm doing phenomenally, Matt. And and I'm honestly I'm just gonna throw this out here.
MattFolks, please write in. We'll give you a cowboy name. We'll give you a cowboy name. We'll give you a cowboy name. Call the thought line, write into the email, you didn't ask for this at gmail.com. All you gotta say is cowboy me. Cow cowboy me. Or and also if if you're already a friend who writes in and gives questions, feel free to give us a sign-off. Give us your cowboy name. And you can put this on the Discord, of course. Oh yeah.
EricOh, we can make it so that's your display name on the Discord.
MattYeah. So the options are if you're cool and are on the Discord, you can give it to us. If you're lame duck, you can do all the other methods. If you're a city slicker, if you're a Yankee, you can do it over on the whatever it is on the newfangled internet. On the intertubes. On Taezon Day's internet. Not on Tazon Day's internet. Not on Taezon Day's internet. All right, Eric. I feel warm. I feel ready. I think we should answer some questions.
EricMatt, do you want to hit us with the first one?
MattWhile I hit you with it, this one comes to us from DJ Joey G. The old old dog Johnny Joey G. Dr. Th Dr. Jonathan G. Dr. Jonathan Joseph G the third. Jonathan. Jonathan. Oh, we have got to have alienated. What percentage of the audience do you reckon? I'm I'm thinking we're at 45. Pertin ear pert near 50. Pert near 50. Now it's up to 50 for sure.
How long is someone allowed to cough in a movie theater before you get someone to kick them out?
MattHow long is someone allowed to cough in a movie theater before you get someone to kick them out? Now, DJ Joey G, I like first of all that you're coming into this with the energy of because I'm not gonna kick them out. No, but they gotta go. Hey, brother, they gotta get out of here. They they turn to us, Matthew. I agree with you. They're at a certain point, they gotta go. Well, I think I think Joey's rightfully identified, Matt, that we are two, I want to say, pillars of like strong, powerful leadership energy. So if like if we're in a movie theater with people and there's ruckus, we're someone that people would rally behind. They turn to us, they le they do the lean over the dude, you got you gotta do something. You know this, you have to do this. If this was a like a Poseidon adventure scenario, we would be a Gene Hackman. We would be the Gene Hackman, we would lead our friends out of out of hell and on top of that creepy ass shot of the upside down boat. Yeah, we would do this. We would do this. Neither of us are poor Ernest Borgnine. And you know what, Matt? We are such fucking alphas. I didn't say that. I didn't say that. We are such absolute alpha wolves. This is hard science. Hard science never been refuted. Ever. Certainly not by the guy who coined the term, never been refuted, recanted, or desperately pled with to please stop using it. We being alphas, we don't need our friends to whisper us in the dark to say something because we'll know the moment. That is true when it is when we have when we then have to go stand up like like the bit free. It is true about both of us. It is true, it is true. We we know that it I'm being legitimately serious. Both of us have uh know when oh no one's taking charge of the scenario. It's time, someone must, and I guess it must be me.
EricYeah, and Matt, this isn't even protecting my own good time.
MattThis is about protecting the the sacred space of a theater, yeah, where there is performance happening, we're developing an energy and and something is wronging it. Yeah, Eric is always looking out for the quote greater good. Always, always, and I feel that and don't Eric coffin's one thing, but don't get me fucking started on phones. Oh, oh that if you are listening to this podcast and you are someone who has ever allowed your phone to be illuminated while a film is taking place, just know I probably have thrown popcorn at you. I can't tell you how many people have thrown popcorn at. Oh, yeah. What are they gonna do? It's popcorn. Fuck them. And it it's it's a it's like punching someone in the dark. It's a victimless crime. Can't know it's me. It's impossible. Impossible. So the question becomes how long? And what and and and when we say cough, like I don't mind like a like a clearing of the throat. Oh no, and even a cough. Look, a cough is a natural bodily thing. You can't cough in the you can do these things, you're a human being. But if if you're coughing a third time, a fourth time within like say a 20-minute period, my friend, you got an issue. Go get a lozen shit. Yeah, there is like as a part of the social contract, you gotta know when it's too much. Like, like if it were me and I'm like, I'm like getting a cough or like something's cough and I'm like, I can feel like I know like I was like, oh shit, this isn't coughing. I'll give it like two or three good coughs in a row before I'm turning to myself. I'm looking in the mirror and I'm saying, look, it's about the name on the front of the jersey, not the name on the back of the jersey. And that's when I eject myself from the game, aka the movie theater. You eject yourself. I eject my if I'm if I'm the cough. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you have some self-respect. Yeah, and you have team respect. Yeah. Uh especially like, and and this is maybe kind of where we feel out like at what point when you start to see people down in front of you, like if you're the coffer and people start like turning back to look at you, like, is that guy okay? We have reached the point that is the social contract, the invisible hand of the free market of ideas, tapping you on the shoulder and saying, Hey, maybe we go to the bathroom and maybe go out in the hall, you know, we hack it out.
EricWe get it, we we we just get that devil out of us because I'm a big fan of that move.
MattYeah, you do of the oh, you I've seen you do because you don't turn your head. No, you turn your torso just detaches itself from your pelvis, and you fucking that okay. That's that's if I'm really going b uh like it's way too late for you to survive. My wrath. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. My opening solve is usually a you the the key to it, folks. I'm gonna teach you how to be passive aggressive. The key to it is to turn the head without turning the eyes to see the person. Oh, you're just making them aware is like uh you have entered my zone of perception. You want to bring your head to the point where it is natural that you would go, are you fucking kidding me? That is that is the proper way to go. I'm telling you how to be passive aggressive now, people, and I'm very good at it. So listen. You have to take an active role in it. You have you have to be actively passive or aggressive. You have to, you got to. You got to be aggressively passive aggressive. Otherwise, you're just being passive. Nobody wants that. And nobody wins there. What kind of leader does that? And don't worry, folks, for those of you who are worried that we're just like coming so so. Eric's to have a knife in your hand. This is the third podcast that we've done that you're just flailing a knife around. Matt, I'm not flailing, I'm brandishing. I know you're a cowboy now, but put the fucking the the the the I can think of a slang for a knife.
EricForgot I, forgot I was among civilized folk. I'll put this here toothpick away. Sometimes this just comes out when I'm whittling. When I'm whittling.
MattBut don't worry, folks, because it's not all gonna be act of aggression. Because we're there's two halves to this. The first half is identifying when when you need to take action. If we if we're starting to see turns in the like when I see my fellow audience members doing the the the U OK back there kind of turn, that's when I know, again, part of the social contract, I now have buy-in. Yeah. I now was like, okay. Because if you're in the back and you see someone further afield, like in front of a coffer, do the turn, you and I, I think, are of the same mindset. Oh shit, I'm gonna need to get involved soon. Yes, I'm like, okay. The sheep are turning. Just make this as toxic as we can. Something's got the horses spooked. The cattle all rustled. Because someone because because there's an alarming number of people who will just allow their and everyone else's good time to just like fucking suffer for a long time. And like eventually, someone will do something that's not good enough. Event we're we're better than eventually. It takes someone to identify the moment, like, okay, I'm seeing heads turn, the the sheep's. Are spooked. I'm now like counting down in my head. Like I'm gonna give it another beat or two. And then you're jumping in, jumping into action. I'm gonna stand up. I'm gonna turn to the people like I'm gonna be right back. And Eric, you are no stranger to this. I can give the people a real life example. We went to see Nasferatu last uh last year, last February, I believe. And there was a technical difficulty at the beginning of the film. Yes. And it did not start playing, but the lights remained off. Yes. And so at a certain point, everybody starts the little the the little you know mumble. Oh what's going on? A little bit, a little bit of that going on. It's another worse than being in a spooky movie and lights are on. Yeah. Exactly. So the lights are off, the movie is not playing, and people start to, I don't, I think it's I think something's wrong. I think somebody's starting this, and Eric Poach, again, 700 feet tall, stands up and just very loudly goes, Don't worry, everyone, I'll handle it. And walks out of the theater. And Eric, you handled it. You came, the movie started, and here comes Eric around the corner. And I do believe if memory serves, we all applauded you. You gotta, you gotta, you, you, yeah. If you're gonna go figure, you gotta make people and that's the other thing. Because it diffuses the situation because people are like, what the farm?
EricYou just you make them giggle, make them giggle. If you go take care of business, you come back.
MattYou come back to the applause of the people. Keep them thirsty. So, but here's here's so here's where that other half comes in. Yeah, keep them thirsty. Wow, that was a delayed reaction. Stay curious, stay thirsty. Um, because the first half of this equation we've established, we're actively passive aggressive. We're we're we're we're and as we should somebody needs to be passive aggressive first, because that's the first, that's the first hurdle to cross. Also, let's give them the hint. That's all I'm saying. Give them the hint that they're being a fucking annoying asshole. Give them the hint and also with their bodily functions. Let's speaking of, let's just get ahead of this now. I'm not talking if someone's having like a coughing fit to the point that I think they're like might be having a heart attack. Oh, yeah. I'm not, no, I'm that should be concerned. I'm talking about someone who's like clearly like got a fucking cold or something. I'm talking about I'm talking about this move right here. I'm talking about two, three. That fucking shit. No, yeah, fuck out of here with that. Um casually clearing your throat.
EricSo what you do, Matt, is when I get up, when I get up, I go out, I go out to the hallway.
MattI'm not gonna address this person because there's no point in address like like you're like, hey. No, because now you're going too aggressive, aggressive. No, too aggressive, aggressive, they're gonna get pissed off. It's gonna like that again. We're trying to protect the vibe of this performance. So what I do, and here's how you kill them with kindness, Matthew. You go, you go to the front of house people, you go to the people who work there, you don't hit them with, oh, there's some guy like coughing over and over and it's obnoxious. Could you please?
EricNo, no, no, no, no. Here's what you hit him with. Hey, um, I didn't want to say anything, but I'm I'm actually really worried about this guy in the theater. He's coughing a lot, and I worried he might be like, could you guys like go check on him? Just like let him know. Because then I come back in, then this person's gonna get approached by someone like, sir, we were alerted to like a potential health emergency.
MattOh, what you have to do. That won't disturb the vibe at all. Oh, oh yeah. But no, but now the person knows that their coughing has been brought to the gym and they're not allowed to be mad at it because we were checking on their health. I think they're I think they're having some sort of attack. I think they're having some sort of issue. Now, if you decided to go a little bit more, we'll say kind, and go up to the person in the theater and said something like, Hey, you okay? I got a cough trap. If you I you need a halls. I got Bro, you need a ludens? Um, oh man. We love alludents. Let me tell you something. Just candy. Let's be real. It's just candy. Let me tell you something about ludens, okay? And this is I wish that we had a soundbite for it. This is a Baba story. Uh this is a tale, a tale of my grandmother Baba. Baba would always give when we were young, me and my brother, we would she I don't know where she got this endless supply of Ludens, but she had these Ludens at the ready all the time. Yep. And then and then she'd she'd, especially in church, her go-to move was to like jab us like in the in the ribs, and then she's got one by the little twisty between two fingers. Oh yeah. And you gotta remember that Baba is a New York gal. She's from she's a Queens girl. And and so she she whole family, both sides, both from Long Island or New York in some capacity. And she she elbows you in the ribs, she's got this thing, and she goes, sucking candy. That and so whenever, whenever to this day I see alludance, I think, sucking candy. Sucking candy. And if you lost in Yonker shit. And let me tell you right now, the saying no, why bother? Why waste your breath? You will be taking that sucking candy. Take take the sucking candy. It's it's the same thing with milk. If I showed up at her house and she was like, You want a glass of milk? And I said, No, I'm good. I'm drinking the milk. Sooner or later, that milk's coming down. The question was a formality. Now, take I know she would never because Baba's a classy dame in church, but I just keep hearing her in my mind, take the fucking sucking candy. Okay. Yeah, that's not how she talks at all. But yes, I like funny. You went real Jersey with it, honestly. Sorry. Okay, I'm I am sorry. To Baba and your family, yeah. I do apologize. Uh yeah, so to long roundabout way of answering, Joey, once heads start turning after after it's been established that it this isn't gonna stop, once you see heads, that's when you got to start making moves. Yeah, I agree. That is when the social contract allows you to take action. That's when you can go get them. But what I was gonna say is if you go up to this person and you try to be kind, you are kinder than we were, we were, we were, you know, uh promoting the passive aggressive response. If you say, fuck these two guys, they're dicks. I'm gonna be nice and I'm gonna go down there and I'm gonna say, Oh, you need a little sucking candy? The you're gonna go down there. You might get arrested and you offer a strange man a sucking candy in a movie theater. Wait a minute, hold on. Uh you offer this person a cough drop, they more than likely are gonna meet you with some sort of attitude. Okay? Oh, yeah. And that if you're me, if I decided to break my own intuition and go, okay, fine, I'm not gonna be a dick. Hey, you need a cough drop? Hey, why don't you mind your own business? Ooh. Okay. I'll go back to my seat for a little bit. I don't want them to know it's necessarily related. Then you go outside, you go up to the front of the house person, and where Eric had proposed saying, Hey, I'm really worried about this, this is where you hit them with the hey, like, I don't want to be an asshole, but there's a guy in the third row. He's fucking drunk as shit, man. He's he is belligerent. Is there anything anyone can do? You know, or yeah, get I don't know if we have to get security involved, but the yeah, that's right. Narc on their ass is what I'm saying. That's the one time that snitches don't get stitches. No, no, no. And then you and then as they're being led away in cuffs. As as as you're hearing the constable say, book them. After after he sucked one of the one of the nice employees of the movie theater who came to see if he was okay, and he has been arrested. You just you give him the old over the 3D glasses stare of, yeah, fuck you, man. And then maybe you lean in as he's being dragged into the patrol car and you go, sucky, sucking candy. Uh now, Matt, this is perfect. Yes. Can I hit you with one curveball? Let's ruin it. Yes. Oh, yeah. It's a kid. Oh my god. Yeah. Oh, God. No, then you're fucked. Then you're fucked. Yeah. Especially if it's a kid's movie, then you got no choice. Yeah. If it's a kid, you're fucked. And if it's a kid movie, they knew kids were going to be in it. They know kids are little noise boxes. If you go to a kid's movie, you can't assume any rules apply. You can't, you yeah, you can't have citizen cane dreams on a minion's budget. No, certainly not. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. If it's a kid, uh, you just got to do it. There's gonna be outbursts. There's gonna be crime, you're just gonna have to deal with it. He's gonna have to deal with it. Or I say embrace it. I say embrace it if it's a kid. Cough back. Cough back at him, cough on the children. Soon to be a father, I am. Uh we nailed it. We nailed it. All right. Oh man, good work, guys. Good work. Good go go go. Did you just add a boy the two of us? Because I love it. Uh speaking of attach us. Yeah, go on, Thurston. Oh, here we go. This this is so goddamn relevant to drop it.
Lost in the Sauce...what sauce?
MattDrop this bomb. Lost in the sauce. What sauce? Hey, yeah. And that's the tone I read that question with in my head. Lost in the sauce. What sauce? What sauce do you mean? Very different interpretation. Go to go to. I am a saucy boy. Yes. Eric. What is the context usually with lost in the sauce? Lost in the sauce is is for me uh it it it occupies a similar realm as in the weeds. Yes. Yes. But but like with an extra kind of layer of because when you're in the weeds, a pinch, you're still kind of like in control. You're just like, you're like, okay, I'm down. I'm I'm in the guts of this. I'm in it. Yes. But when you're lost in the sauce, you have you've lost the plot. It's yes, it's being in the weeds, but you've also lost the plot. That's when you're lost in the sauce. And I think I know that here's where I feel like this became part of the lexicon of culture is there's a moment when I it never fails. When I'm making, when I'm cooking, like not just whipping something up or like making an easy dinner, but like when I'm cooking something, yeah. Usually first of all, usually I'm instantly stressed. I am not one of those people who get like relaxed by cooking. Uh like I you are you are both Gordon Ramsey and his protege. Well, this is why I am a better baker, I think, than I am uh uh cook, because cook is oh, it's it's the art. It's the oh yeah, this. And even though I'm an artist, for whatever reason, when it comes to the culinary arts, the baking is a fucking science. There is no improv in baking, no wiggle room. No there is when you're trying to come up with your own recipe. Oh, hell yeah. But you have to be prepared for it to be fucking awful. Exactly. You're experimenting. You've signed the potential of a of a of a soggy bottom. But like my like my I don't know if you've had my chocolate chip cookies. I don't think you have. I don't think I've had I've heard much about them from you. They're good. But when I'm like, if somebody else is attempting to make my cookies, I'm gonna be like, no, that I have that fucking recipe down to the fucking to the exact ingredient and time. So like don't fuck with it. Like I'm gonna get really stressed. And I feel that when I'm cooking something that involves a sauce, for a long time, Lindsay and I were on the like uh those those like home chef and the HelloFresh, you know, the box dish. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like into the in pandemic times, we were really into that stuff. And whenever I'd be making a sauce, Eric, at some point in making the sauce, when you're testing, you're testing, oh, just a little bit more salt. Oh, yeah. Oh, maybe a little bit more paprika. You know, you get in there. There's a moment where I shit you not. My brain goes, I could have been a saucier. I could have been a saucier. And I would have loved that life. I would have loved that life. My father-in-law would have come to the come to the house and be like, oh, could it, what why are you slaving over the sauce? And I'd be like, you don't understand my craft. I could have been a saucier. And that, Eric, I think is the origin of getting lost in the sauce. You're so you're cooking. It doesn't, and it doesn't have to be sauce specific, but like the there's something about the sauce that can be so good and so simple that you feel all of a sudden like you are Gordon Ramsay. Can I yes end this? I wish I would. Because I agree with this 100%. I would I would even push it further to you get so absorbed in the sauce and knowing that you could have been a saucier. I know it. I could have been a saucy. Could have been a saucier. And now it's making more sense to me, this term lost in the sauce. Yeah, that's what I do, Eric. You push out everything else. Like it, it's like you're you're you're you're in you're in the eye of the hurricane, and you're you're just like with the sauce, and you're like, oh no, no, no, no. It's like like, yeah, the sauce. A foot away, the chicken is burning. The chicken is burning. The chick. But the sauce, my the but the sauce, you got lost in the sauce. That's what I'm saying. There's something hypnotic about stirring it, about adding just a little bit more, oh, a little more heavy cream in there. Oh yeah, look at it, drizzle off that spoon.
EricSo to that end, to that end, when we say what sauce, I don't think it's like uh we're asking what is the sauce. The sauce is it's not like we're gonna be out here like marinara, done.
MattNo, the sauce isn't even the sauce, the sauce is a red herring.
EricThe sauce is your dreams, you're lost in the potential you lost in the potential what you could have been, because you could have been a saucier.
MattBecause to you, you are lost in this potential, as you said. You've you've gone down this path. Your friend, you're daydreaming, but to everybody else in the to everybody else in the quarterly meeting, you have become delusional. You are suddenly going down a path that has nothing to do with anything. You've hyper focused on the wrong thing, and somebody's like, Man, fucking Matt is lost in the sauce on this one. That's when this that's when the phrase comes up. That's when it comes up. That's the sauce. I think that the sauce at its core is that sauce. Now, if we wanted to sit here and say what kind of sauce, Eric, I think it depends on the scenario. I think there are times you're talking about a cream-based sauce. I think there are times you're talking about a balsamic glaze. Ooh, a reduction, maybe a reduction. We love a reduction. We love a reduction. We love a marinade. I am a sucker. Love a pan sauce. I love a pan sauce. Love a fucking pan sauce, dog. I think the pan sauce is one of the times I think most I could have been a saucier. Oh, yeah. There's an art to it. Yeah, man. Fuck. Fuck. I don't want a pan sauce. Yeah, I do think I think you're right. I think w it's too easy to sit here and go, oh, Alfredo. Too easy. If you want to, I say when the scenario hits you, you feel it out. What is this a creamy situation? Yeah. Or is this uh sharper? Ooh. Is this a bitter moment? Ooh. Are you What's the mouthfeel of this moment? What's the mouthfeel of this argument? Yeah. If you this is if you are, if your marriage is is collapsing around you and you've hyper focused on some tiny little fucking detail that doesn't matter, you're lost in the sauce, friend. That might be, oh, I don't know, uh what's sort of like a nasty sauce? Like a like a like a butt sauce. Like some sort of wasabi, like uh marinade that with barbecue sauce. You try and it's it you're playing Breath of the Wild, and this is the creation that came out as inedible bullshit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where it you know, it does the bung bung bang. Yeah. And it farts out something that they blur. That's my favorite part of the whole thing. They have to blur. I love that they blur the food. It's such a good application of blur. It's such a good little bit. And look, friends, when you get lost in the sauce, and here's the danger of getting lost in the sauce, especially go back to that, you know, if you if you're if you're if you're so lost in the sauce that you're threatening a relationship, whether it be a friendship, a mentorship, yeah, uh a romantic relationship, partnership. What good is the sauce if you got nobody to share it with? What good is a sauce without a spoon?
EricOh without someone to drizzle it with.
MattYeah. Without someone to pass the taurine to. That's right. God damn. If you can't, if you're not gonna be sharing that sauce, if you're not pouring that sauce over somebody, what good was it? Can you even call it sex? How basting your partner? Can you even call it sex if you don't have a red sauce on spread across her torso? Can you even can you even say you made love if you don't break out the whisk?
EricWhisk me away, daddy!
MattOh yeah, that goes without saying should be a cream-based sauce. Oh, 100%. I mean, one way or the other it's gonna be. Ooh. Thirsty thirsting at it again. Thirsty thirsting at it again. You know, when he's had one or two, he gets like this. That's why they call him Thirsty Thurston. He used to be a saucier, then he lost his leg in the war. Now it takes those derimades upstairs for for a what he calls carefully, what he calls a little but a spin. There it is. But a churn. You know what? Hold on. I just want to apologize to everyone for that. I I might, including myself. Including myself, I apologize. That was far too vulgar. Come on, ladies, let's haul on these. But uh to be fair, that wasn't me talking, that was Thirsty Thurston. That was Thirsty Thurston. He he's got demons. He possessed me. Yeah. That was his old, that was, that was Thurston's old man talking. All right. Now we we should have mentioned this right at the top of the episode, but we have a a special closing segment today of your of your idea.
A Mini Definitive Ranking: Danish Butter Cookies
MattYes. It's been a it's been a long time since we've had a definitive ranking. Yes, it's been a minute, and and there's a number of things we've talked about, like, oh, like we could do a definitive rank in this, but then we we're like we have to research and we have to like do things and we'll prepare the moment hasn't been right, and it's been now it's been so long that I feel like we maybe we lost the touch a little bit. We gotta we gotta like freshen it up. We gotta close tabs, we gotta close tabs, yeah, and dip our toes into the sauce. And Matt, and this this this really was born. You're really gonna let that go, huh? Oh I'm just nothing. Me putting a toe in a sauce had no, you didn't want to contribute or call out or anything. I for the good of my own arousal, I had to, I had to. I had to put the blinders like, oh, oh, gripper sauce. Oh. Oh, yeah. I appreciate it, Eric. I appreciate it. This was truly born out of, I think, a noble ambition that both of us share.
EricDoing less. Yes. This is about doing less. Because on a normal definitive ranking, that's the episode. That's the episode. Like that's like the episode. But on this, Matt, I found something we could definitively rank that was, dare I say, bite size. Bite size, Eric. Dimin diminutive. Yes. Sure. Matt, today we're going to definitively rank something that I feel everyone who listens to this show is familiar with.
MattLike this is truly the touch of the show. I think it's universal, yes. You step into your Baba's gr house. Yes. Or maybe it's your aunts, your mom's. Someone the it's a woman in your life who has had a profound impact on raising you. Absolutely. And at one point you're rooting around somewhere and you find a tin of butter cookies.
EricThough I speak, of course, of the Royal Dansk Danish buttercutter. Cookie cookies.
MattAnd sure enough, you go to get a cookie. Uh-oh, so and behold, selling kit, perhaps perhaps recipes. Tackle box as the case may be. Interesting. But Matt, before these. I don't feel like it's a good tackle box. Yeah, it huh? I don't feel like it makes a good tackle box. Doesn't have to. I'm foolish. Yeah. What was I thinking?
EricI don't know what it is about these little butter cookies that drives us to think, you know what? That's a useful tin. I gotta do something like that.
MattI'll put my sewing materials in there. I put my sewing materials in there. But we're not here to talk about sewing materials. We're here to talk about the pre-sewing kit. We're talking about when it's actually full of cookies, because for those of you might not be aware, they're right on the top of the tin.
EricThese are butter cookies and they come in five shapes.
MattYeah. And even if you're getting like an off-brand uh Danish butter cookie, it's still these shapes. It's still fall. It's still these shapes. And we are here to definitively rank the five shapes of Danish butter cookies in a segment I like to call definitely ranked. Definitely ranked. Very good, Eric. I think that's funny. Now, when we rank them, Eric, we we have to do this right. We have to give it uh what is gonna be our our currency? What's gonna be our thing? And I have a I have an immediate option. Please take it or leave it, pin cushions. Oh, love that. That way we we're acknowledging the the tin's greater purpose. The true purpose of the tin. Yes, it's it's it's true legacy. Yes, I love this. Okay, so pin cushions. Are we doing one to ten? Yeah, let's do I honestly actually in keeping there's five cookie different cookies, one to five. One to five. It's a mini ranking. Mini ranking, definitely ranked five, five pin cushions. I like where your fucking big ass heads at, Eric. Thank you, Matt. You're welcome. Didn't know I had to catch that stray today. Gotta keep it at and truly, Eric. I've of the two of us, I have the much larger uh melon. We should measure. Because I uh I you you you do have a big head. Eric, we did that once. Hello. Royal Dansk. Royal Dansk. Yes. Danish butter cookies. That was a great name for it, by the way. What? Huh? Royal Dansk butter cookies. Butter cookies. Let's start off. Honestly, I'd say let's start with, and we're looking at the same image. We're looking at the same image. I say we go in order. In order. Okay. So we're starting. Where would you like to start? I'm sorry. Where would you like to start? I think I would like to start with the country style. Okay, so what we're looking at, that's bottom right. Bottom right. It's the standard disc. Yeah. It is just a flat disc of butter cookie. The country style, it's a perfectly round biscuit. It is probably referred to. Round, flat, featureless. Its only feature is its shape. It's it's its shape. It does not have the the sugar uh on top that the pretzel and the finished finish style have. No, it is it is naked. It's bare. It it is it's a baseline. But I find that it has a very satisfying crunch to it. Yes. Perfect for dipping into coffee. Perfect for dipping into coffee. It was destined to be dipped in a coffee. It it is it is the control cookie. It is the Mario in Mario Kart. Eric, all the stats are dead even. I think we're on the same page here. And I think I know why you wanted to start with the country style. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said it's the control. I think this is a solid three. Yeah. Three. Three right down the middle. Three out of five ain't bad. It uh like you could because he the country style for me still have the property of if you're not careful, you've eaten 15 of them. Like you can just go. Yeah. Any good cookie has this property to it. Matt, do you want to know a little hack I do? Oh, hello. If I'm feeling particularly decadent, you take two of the country styles, smear a little Nutella, make a little butter cookie sandwich. That does sound really good. It's real fucking good. That does sound good. I'll raise you. I haven't done this, but I'm gonna offer it to you. Yeah. Take a little bit of that Pillsbury vanilla icing. You know the one. In the blue cup.
EricYup.
MattYeah. You just just a little smear, put that together.
EricYes.
MattJust an al-we call that an albino Oreo. Ooh. Surely nothing wrong with what I've said. No! I think it's a three. I think it's a three. Three pincushions for the country style. Which brings us to the Finnish style. Oh, yeah. We go right up to it. We already described I started to describe it. It's not quite rectangular. It's not quite circular. No, it's is is and and note shout out to a different country. These are Danish cookies. Now we're talking about Finland. But this one comes from the Finns. The Finn in the Finnish style, which I want I do find myself wondering if it's a low-key dig, because it's just pretty much the first cookie, but more square. It's okay. Yes, it is more square. It's almost sort of like the background of like many a logo, like the cracker barrel logo. Yes, yeah, the shape behind the logo is what this is. Yeah. Like if you were playing, if you were playing a sporkle quiz of guess the local, guess the logo, and they removed the text, you'd have the Finnish style cookie. Yep. It it's it's in the shape of like if it's like a barrel shape. It is like a barrel shape. We could have just said that. I could have said that. I we both could have. But it was much easier for me to think there was a conspiracy by the Danes to talk shit about the fins. Anyway, I think this is I think you're right in the sense that there is a similar mouthfeel to the cookie itself, but the sugar really pops out. Yes. If this did not have the the little sugar crystals sprinkled on top, it would it would be a sub-tier to cookie. It would like I think the the little the dusting of of of sugar crystals on top. I think I agree, but only because it sort of has corners that sometimes are a little burnt. Ooh, you don't like the little burnt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know exactly what you're talking about. And you and you're not a fan. I'm saying if they don't, I I think it's nice, but then you have a cut the country style are always You have a what? You uh the country style the country style always have a I don't think you get the same like burned effect sometimes. No, they're golden brown the whole way around. With the corners, you run the like even on the picture here, you can see that that right side corner is a little darker. That's right. On two of the corners, it's a little darker, it's uneven. And the the uh sugar helps, I think, blend those flavors and those textures together. Okay. And without it, I think you're right. I think it drops down. Yeah, yeah. And and I will say, this is the only one of the cookies available that could you could, I don't know if you've ever done this, build a little house out of them. You I haven't, but you could. It's structural. Build a little, I've oh yeah, it's structural. I I appreciate that about the finish style. It's a good foundation. If you're going to say, take a little sampler, sampler of of the uh of the tin with you with your coffee, away from the the spread, you could stack them on top of the finish. It's a good foundational cookie. It's a good foundational cookie. I would I I would give this, I would say a three-five, maybe a four. I was thinking when we started talking about the Danish cookie.
EricYeah.
MattThree five. Three five. I feel like I have talked myself into a four. Okay. Yeah. I'm I'm very comfortable with that. And uh I think that's a good place to transition because the next cookie on our list is the pretzel, which is the Finnish style cookie in the shape of a pretzel. And if my recollection is correct, it's just ever so thicker. Yes, it's got a little more girth to it. It it is a relation the the the relationship to this cookie is based on a lie. Yes, it's not a cook, it's not a pretzel. Nothing about it is a pretzel, except nothing about it is a pretzel. It's not even twist like it's not even twisted. They just poked three holes into it, and now it's pretzel. It's low-key brand. 100%. It is it is egg-shaped in a way with three little holes in it.
EricBut it is thicker.
MattEric. It's got a thickness to it. I I don't know if we'll be on the same page with this, but I'm gonna come out strong. Okay. There's not a doubt in my mind this is the best cookie in the tin. Yes, correct. This is uh far and away the first, this is the first column that goes, the first little white paper tray that empties out. Yes. 100% it is. There's I think there's less of them too. Yes, they're they're they're a treat. They're a treat, and they're usually the first one I noticed people gravitate towards. You gotta get in on the ground floor with the pretzel cook.
EricYou want at least one of them because it it's it's got thickness, it's got the structuralness of the finish style, but it's got it's also got like the the sugar dusting on it, which is a nice aesthetic player. They're like, oh, we might not have sea like salt to sprinkle on there, but we have sugar.
MattOh yeah, and it Matt, like I said, if this is a relationship founded on a lie, I'm just gonna quote some Midwest emo. Lie to me.
EricOkay, like you used to.
MattSure. I I want the lie, I want it, give me the lie. I want this sweet pretzel cookie. It's perfect for dunking. Oh, yeah. It's per it it, it's milk, it's Milk's favorite butter cookie. It's milk's favorite Danish butter cookie, like hands down, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So, Matt, I'm just gonna say it. This is our five. It's definitely the five. It's our five. I and I don't even care. And I'm just gonna say, I think I speak for us both when I say our singular five. It's the singular five. Okay, cool. Cool, no way, no way these last two ragamuffins come close to a five. Oh, it's all downhill from here, Matt. It's all downhill from here, folks. Eric, give us the low down on the vanilla ring. The vanilla ring, remember how I said the the pretzel was built on a lie? That was just a lie of shape. The vanilla ring, what vanilla? Let me ask you this, Danes. Do you know what vanilla is? Do you just think butter is vanilla? Do you have vanilla up there? Because, Matt, let's not delude ourselves. These are just different shapes of the exact same dough. Oh no, no, no, no. With one glaring, with one glaring exception. Glaring exception. We're not ready to get to that yet. Vanilla, they just didn't bake it as long. And they're trying to tell like, oh no, it's vanilla. What they did with this is they took the dough and they piped it into a circle. Yep. That's all they did. They put it in a little pipe bag and then and that's it. And I will admit that gives it a little something different. The texture is interesting. It's an interesting texture. The I will say it's a nice dip into uh a drink. And I say a drink because this is the one that I feel goes best of all of them with a tea. And I can't explain why that is, but this is like the tea biscuit of the bunch. Maybe the country style too, but it is basically the country style that has been piped into a semicircle that just kisses itself at the end. Which, because of that, it is also the number one. I I will I dare someone to open me a tin of these and find me a vanilla ring that isn't broken. It is the fragilest of them all. Yes.
EricIt is the most like that, and that's where it comes up short for me.
MattI'm like, okay, I appreciate the daringness of the of the pipe swirl of this cookie. You tried to do something with it, but you're just it's just crumbling. It's crying, and then now I have a mess because these cookies crumble like nobody's business. I'm especially the ones in the in the bottom white container, the bottom white cup. Those are fucked. Especially the last one. The bottom one is truly bottom of the barrel. It is the race to the bottom. It is it has been bashed into the into submission by the rest of the cookies. Yes. And I think it was the last one they made. I think it was that that's what the piping came in because it was like, oh, we need one more. We can't just have something. Which, by the way, you could definitely have had four and separated this into quadrants.
EricYeah. Or if you're gonna pipe, do it like a macaroon shape.
MattYes, Eric. Like it's right there. It's less everywhere. It's just down, up. And now, Eric, that you've told me that I could have had a macaroon, I'm mad. You should be. And I am you should be. And I fucking am.
EricSpeaking of uh, but let's create this.
MattHow many pin cushions? I'm gonna call this, I'm gonna call this it's tr I'll say this. It's trying. Yes, but it's trying too hard. And for that reason, similar, similar to the Finnish style, I was prepared to say 2.5. Like it just missed the mark of being down the down the thing. I think our little discussion here has pushed me to a two. Yes, I agree. I think it's a two. Which brings us. Yeah, we got to talk about it. Talking of macarons and disappointment. I just hold on. I just let me rub the bridge of my nose here to talk about this piece of shit. Coconut style cookie. Coconut style. The the bastard cousin of the country style. Yes. This is the one they keep out in a shed. It's the bizarro one. Yes. It's it's shifty too, because you go to reach for what you think is a country style. Yeah. You bite in. At least one time it happens in every tin.
EricAnd I'll say this. I see this as someone who loves coconut and a cookie. They gave me the worst aspects of both. Yes.
MattI didn't get like like they didn't commit enough to anything. Yes. It's still like it suffers from the same problem that the air quotes vanilla ring suffers from. Like, not not enough coconut flavor, but just enough to piss me off. And no sugar. No sugar. It's not no, there's no like like the butter flavoring isn't there. And you almost have to dip it because it's dry as fuck.
EricAs the fucking Sahara.
MattAbsolutely, it is.
EricIt is, it is, it is just it's an it's thirsty.
MattIt's thirsty. It's thirsty. It comes to you with the the same texture as I imagine the skin of Thirsty Thurston. Yes. Just just dried and and and brittle. And sunbaked and brittle. It's not quite as breakable as the vanilla ring, but it's still crumbly. Yeah. Even the one they put on the website. You can see the whole left side of it is crap. See, it's about to go. It's about to go. It would not pass inspection. It would not pass inspection, no. Lucy would not have even put this one in in her mouth. This chocolate would have been tossed. Yeah. Absolutely. I hate it. But here's something I would think is notable. Okay. I am somebody who does not like coconut in cookies, except except, of course, for the Samoa. Oh, we love a Samoa. Other than that, the uh ever any any other version, I generally am against coconut in general. I'm not somebody I don't like coconut really. Yeah. But but I can eat these cookies when they're the last one in the tin. It's not like I throw out the tin. No, I settle for these. I settle for I guess I'm stuck with the coconut style.
EricAnd and and for that reason, it's the one.
MattI was gonna say it for that reason, I won't give it a zero. I won't give it a zero. And I do think I'll eat it. I think 0.5 is too harsh. I think you're right. 0.5 is petty. I want to give it a 0.5. Yeah. But I realize that, Eric, we have a responsibility to the listener. Yeah. To give them honesty. And that's my own bias talking. Yeah. So I say a one. I say a one. But God, you're just dreaming of when you still had finish and pretzels left. God, you think of better. And that's why, that's why they turn into sewing kits. Is because once you're done, you're like, you're filled, you're like, I need to, I need to erase that there were ever cookies here. I can't there are ever cookies in this. Can't think about just replace it with needles and thread. Just yes, I need to fill this with some sort of necessity. You need to fill this with a stabbing hazard after after settling for those coconuts. So I can sit down in my rocker and and and sew a blanket and remember the the days gone by when I had the cream of the buttercrop going. Oh, when I had them pretzels. When I had them pretzels, when I had the Nutella between my country styles. Oh. Take two of the pretzels and put the Nutella you were talking about between them. That's something. Matt, I I'm trying I'm to remember the Danish phrase, but nut I'm trying, I'm trying to put this nicely, but stiffy. And there you have it, folks. I think I think and I think, Matt, if tell me if I'm crazy. We have starting at the bottom, coconut style, one, one, vanilla ring, two, country style, three, finish style four, and a pretzel at five. And we didn't even fucking try that. We didn't even try, we weren't even trying to do that. But god damn it, we didn't discuss this in advance or anything like that. Matt, you know what? You know what I'll tell you? No, I'll tell you. Those cookies definitely ranked. Definitely ranked. Eric, you called it coming in. There we are. And you never miss, do you? Not thirsting cob. Not thirsty, thirsting cob. I'll tell you that right now. Whew. She shoot. That was an episode. That was an episode. That was Eric. That was a fucking good one. I think he's gonna admit it. Yeah. I think we can, I think we can be brave. And we can say. I think we can we can look in the mirror and say, we fucking nailed it. We fucking nailed it. And now it is over. Folks, we need your questions. We need you to send them to us. Uh you can do that variety of ways. I'd like it at you didn't ask for this at gmail.com as an email. Or you could go to the new website, you didn't ask for this.com, and you can submit it right there on the homepage. Yes. Got a button for you and everything. Of course, if you're cool, you could do it through the Discord. Eric, how do they get there? Go to patreon.com slash you didn't ask for this. One dollar a month, you get access to the Discord. For four dollars a month, get access to the Discord bonus content every month in the shape of oops, all tangents, and you get 20% off of your daft merchandise in the you daft merch store.
EricAnd just like we have a new website, Matt put together some fucking sexy merch.
MattThank you, Eric. Yes, we've got a we got a got to mug. We've put that squonk everywhere. You could get a squonk baseball hat in a variety of styles. Squonking all over the place. Squonking all over your face. Yeah, and neck. And you can leave a fucking squonky voicemail for us on the thought line, which Eric will provide to you. God damn it. Matt, legitimately every time I'm like, alright, I'm gonna learn it. Come on. And then it's like 410. Yes. Now last time you got a dit you got the next digit. Yep, yep. I want you to build on that. 410. No. No, hold on. 410. Think it through. Visualize the phone. Three. Fucking goddamn. Hold on, hold on. No, no, no, no. I'm visual. I'm visual. One strike. There's one more strike, Eric. 4105. Wrong. 410-929-53529. It's nine heavy at the end, Eric.
EricVery nine heavy. I keep wanting to be so many fives.
Matt410-929-5329. Leave us a voicemail. It doesn't have to be a question. Tell us your cowboy name. Tell us your cowboy name. If you don't want us to come up with it, but you want to uh to say it, say your own. Give me mine. Give me mine. We need one for Matt. If you're bold, if you if you believe. If you're bold enough to to to to come to me and high noon on Main Street facing me and gonna duel me with my name. It's a rattlesnake. And I say, say my name. Say my name. And it is that's where you come in. There we go. And if you want a cowboy name, just call, tell us a little bit about yourself, and you know, we'll give you a cowboy name. Yeah, give us give us just a crumb of context. That's all we need. I think we've proven that's all we need.
EricSomething. Give us something.
MattSomething a modicum. And I think that'll about do it. I think that'll about it. For this episode of You Didn't Ask for This. My name is Matt Shea. My name is Eric Pouch. And listen, you didn't ask.
EricThe thirsting cub. There he is. He's gonna roll on out of town now. Been here too long. I've got a thirst. I've got to find someone, something that can slake it.
MattI'm just I don't I've got a. You're smoking an imaginary cigarette. I want that to translate. Brackets at the bottom of the TV. Smoking intensifies. We'll never forget you, Thurston. We'll never forget you around this town. Tell you that.
EricThat's a promise from me. Blank. Come on, American Pharaoh. Let's get on about this town. Damn, that is a muscular horse. God damn.
MattI think I think that should fucking run around about a mile and a half track. I think that should win every weight. Oh, shut the fuck up, old. If you don't break out the whisk.