You Didn't Ask For This
Is cereal just soup? When, specifically, is Miller Time? How many times can one "circle back?" Join Matt and Eric every other Thursday as they provide you with deep dives, thorough debates, and unnecessary answers to life's least-pressing questions.Submit yours at youdidntaskforthis@gmail.com
You Didn't Ask For This
138 | The Abe Lincoln Stunt Spectacular
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Why do we have to “get down to brass tacks?” What happens if brass tacks aren’t enough? What would we upgrade to? And how can we class up our euphamisms for using the bathroom?
Those answers await before Eric quizzes Matt on his knowledge of hobbies.
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Cold Open
MattEric, what do you think is the creepiest thing you ever said to someone? Uh and I mean unintentionally. Yeah, yeah. Oh talk about thoughts that keep me awake at night. Like I get stressed out if I made if I started opening a door for someone too soon and they had to do like that little jog to get to the door. Yeah. Because I I that stresses me out. So like I think my see, I think honestly, like my existence can can be creepy when I'm just like if you're walking down a street at night and you're by yourself and you just see like some six and a half foot dude just existing. Yeah, that's stressful. That can be stressful. For sure. So you think you the creepiest thing you've said to somebody is existing. Is just existing. Is just being myself. Yes. Alright. I could cosign that. What about you? The year was 1997. Okay. The year was 1997. Yep. Good year. Good year. Yeah. So you gotta keep in mind, I'm a youngin'. Uh, you know, I'm a youngin' here. And the millennium approacheth. Oh yeah. You know, Y2K was looming. It's looming. Only only a a scant three years away. And so my parents were talking about the you know Y2K stuff, and you know, that was you know starting to become a topic of conversation. And just like, oh, it's the you know, I bet there's gonna be huge firework displays and stuff like that. To to me, an eight-year-old, right? Yeah. And so I uh I said to my parents, keep in mind I'm an eight-year-old boy. Okay. Little little little man who said to his parents, too bad you won't be there to see it. What does that mean, you little fucking psycho? And both my parents are like, what are you talking about? I was like, well, you know, you'll be gone. And they were like, what do you mean? Did your father immediately like just smite you, like just strike you down with a crucifix, assuming you were a demon? Well, because I've seen this movie and I know how it ends. I said something to the effect of like, yeah, you know, old age. You know what? It's you and your concept of time. And then my parents were like, man, it's in like three years. So I in my head, I'm like, oh, isn't it funny that you know I was like, oh, you're gonna be dead. And they're like, uh, you don't understand math at all. And in I've been like, ha ha, what a story. But it only occurred to me recently from the adult perspective, yeah, a toddler walked up to me and went, Too bad you won't make it. This is the fucked up thing. Yeah, it wasn't just that like you assumed you that like your little toddler idea of fucking time and space is obviously all fucked. So you have no concept of anything. It's it's that you I think we're kind of burying the lead here. You moved on to immediately to acceptance. There was no, there was no, oh mom and dad are gonna no, you're like, yeah, it's too bad you I'd already come to terms with it. That's that's the psycho shit. I'd done my morning already in my head. As I laid awake at night in my in my childhood double bed, single bed, whatever they're called. I said my goodbyes as I played with my Legos and said, You'll be my parents now. Mr. Lego skeleton, you are the best one. You're the best one, after all. How would you like to be my daddy?
EricAnd now I can pull your arms off.
MattWhat? Yes, father. No. That's that is some children of the corn shit. Yeah, so uh you got anything like that? You little creep.
Intro
MattWell, hello, everybody, and welcome to You Didn't Ask for This, the podcast that answers life's least pressing questions. My name is Matthew Shea. My name is Eric Poach. Eric Poach, share with me and them how you are. Doing pretty solid. Had a had a fish and chips lunch today. Alyssa had some friends visiting, uh uh her best friend was visiting from out of town. How English? How very English. We were at the Royal Blue in Baltimore.
EricIt was had some had some lovely, lovely fish and chip. And uh yeah.
MattFish and chip? Just just the one? Fish and fish. So when you order the fish and chips, they're like you can get one fillet or two. And I immediately asked the serum like, how big are we talking? She was like, No, I'm saying you said chip, singular. Oh, one chip. Just one big chip. Just one big ass chip. Just one big ass flat chip. The plate was chip. Well, now you're now you're referencing chips, which are like American chips, which are not fish and chips. No, no, no. I I'm not talking of crisps. I'm speaking, it was a it was a singular chip. But then why would it be a fish and chip? Uh, you know, so the fish had somewhere to go. I'm just trying to get your bit right in my head. And I'd like to get right with these questions we're gonna answer today. Hello. Look at that. Whoa, Eric. What you got a double record on the books or something?
EricOh my god.
MattYes. All right, let's get to it. Let's get down to brass tax? Oh, Matt, take it away. That's what we call a segue, folks.
Why do have to get down to brass tacks?
MattWhy do we have to get down to brass tacks, quote unquote? What happens if brass tacks aren't enough? What would we upgrade to? And that comes to us courtesy of the one and only Zac Deuce. Zacky D. The big brass for me. Big tack for me. Big old tech. That sounds like a call sign a trucker would have. Yes, big tack coming down to 101. Um, big tech. Good contribution.
EricBig deck.
MattOh, you don't just you don't just mirror what your friend just said? Big tech tack. Big tech. You were saying grass tacks. Um, so here's the thing. When I see when I th paradoxically, when I think of upgrading the cause because in this scenario, the we're we're we're increasing the the the stakes level. Yes. Like we're where it's oh, we gotta get down even. I think so so in my mind. Even more sharp. Without a Google in sight, if I remember correctly, getting down to brass tacks is like when you're taking a problem apart, you're getting down into the weeds so thoroughly, you're down to the brass tacks that are holding things onto like. Oh, is that the etymology? I I thought you were just saying, like, what does it mean? I thought that's off the dome. Well, I use it, I think everybody uses it in the in the in the way of going, like, all right, let's get serious. Lock in, as the kids would say. Yeah, to take to take a problem seriously, like so seriously that you're you're getting down to the brass tacks in the wall. Oh, okay, all right, I see. Okay, this person says, and this is from the Belleville News Democrat. Uh, this subject may be more deadly serious than you might imagine. It the expression uh began to pop up shortly after Abraham Lincoln was laid to rest. You almost certainly know this, but Lincoln was assassinated by John Wilkes Booth playing at Ford's table. The Johnny Wilkes? The uh yeah, yeah, did it shot the president. He did. He did, and then and then yelled uh uh uh uh a Shakespearean uh expletive, and then for no real purpose, jumped and broke his leg. Thought thought the gravity no longer applied to him. He just thought he could jump from the box seats to the stage of Ford. I mean, if you if you can kill Abraham Lincoln, you could do anything. I when I have seen shows at Ford's and I look up at that box seat, I say to my and look down at the at the stage, and all it has been recreated. It's it's it's not the original building, but it's the original dimensions and everything, is my understanding. Yeah, and they they do the Abe Lincoln stunt spectacular each year when they assassinate. But I look I look at it and I'm just like, why did he think he could make that jump? It's not it's not above the stage or anything. Uh in fact, they think he yelled six emperor tyrannis when in reality he yelled World Star. He jumped. Anyway, the back to the Belleville News Democrat. The outside of the coffin is festooned with massive silver tax representing drapery in each fold of which is a silver star. There are eight massive handles to the coffin, four being on each side, encircled by a shield form of tax of the same material occupies a central position on the top lid. Using tax was a popular method of decorating one's last resting place. A brass do with my brass tax. It's you know, I'm beginning to delve that fished. I'm gonna kill it. Like, did we meet some fucking dork who really wanted to talk about like fucking Civil War era burialing rituals and just like kind of trying, oh you're origin's a brass tax. Okay. Did you know that brass did you know that not brass at all tax were used to tack I like burying dead presidents? With all dis with all disrespect to the Belleville News Democrat, I I am just gonna see what the AI overview has to say. And it says that the uh the origin is, of course, debated, but popular theories cite 1860s dry goods stores using brass tacks in counters for precise fabric measurement or 19th century upholstery work, where brass tacks were used to secure fabric on fine furniture. To get down to the brass tacks was to remove the exterior fabric or dirt to reach the structural, essential foundation. And that is, I think, a lot more likely than something to do with Lincoln's coffin.
EricBut Lincoln's coffin was 10 feet long and weighed. 3,000 pounds.
MattIt does seem like we startled someone into uh uh a not fully lucid person into a monologue of that article I was reading. So, what does that tell us? So, what that tells me is that when we when we're getting down, when we're getting down bad, when we're getting down err with the brass tacks. Eric, did you just make a T Swift reference? I think I did. Wow. Yeah. Continue. Thank you.
EricUm I think we're it's not so much we're upgrading the material of the we're not going up to like silver or platinum tax.
MattNo, I think we're taking the tack out of it. We're getting below the tax. We're getting below the tax. We're getting oh, we gotta go like what we're into the wood. We're into the we're in the fucking, we're into the cabinetry. We're we okay. We're in the cabinetry now. We're in, we're in Lincoln's sarcophagus.
EricOkay.
MattWe're in okay, so which is festooned, as you know. We have removed the cover of the coffin. And yeah, yeah, we're we're beyond brass tax. We are in Lincoln's coffin. Okay. We are grave robbing Abraham. So, okay, I feel like there's two ways to do this. There's either uh amplifying the brass and the tax elements. Okay. You know, like uh what's more serious than brass, what's what's sharper than a tack. You know, now we're getting down to I don't know, uh uh uh platinum platinum knives. Ooh, ooh, that. But the other thing that you're on to, the other option is to dig into like okay, if we go with the upholstery definition, we get down to okay, now we're in the wood or or the cushion of some sort. Oh, now we're in the end grain. Or do we find a parallel idiom? I think I I something just occurred to me. Let me hit you with this. Like a modern day version, I guess. We gotta get down to the Higgs bosin. The Higgs bosonary. We gotta get down to Higgs bosin. We gotta get down to the God particle. Whoa. Yeah, you might not have heard of them, but there's this little place called CERN, and they invented the internet and I'll be damned if someone's gonna take away Al Gore's accomplice. Created created the Higgs boson particle. They they invented the Higgs boson particle, and this was all documented in Dan Brown's documentary series of books. What you got one in particular you want to shout out? Angels Demons. Da Vinci Code. It was the Da Vinci Code, yes. It was the Da Vinci Code. It was the Da Vinci Code. I think didn't CERN revolve around, or no, was no, yeah, no, yes. Of the of the uh Robert Langdon series, you've only read the Da Vinci Code.
EricYeah. Yeah.
MattYeah.
EricYeah.
MattI haven't read the two latest ones, but I've read all the others. Angels and Demons, much better than the movie Let's On. Let's get back down. Let's get back down to Higgs. Let's get down to Higgs bosons. The Higgs bosons, Eric. I don't think it has the same uh It has a different flavor. I'm with you. It doesn't have the same, I don't know, the folksiness to it about Yeah. Yeah, it lacks that rustic charm. It does it it lacks an everyman quality. Yes. If we're getting down to Higgs bosons, that means we're analyzing the problem to such an extent that we're purely theorizing around about causes that we may not be able to observe, and we'll probably need a couple hundred billion dollars in government grants to find out. I couldn't agree more. Couldn't agree more with you.
EricSo so what's got what's what do you what are you feeling? What's got that rustic vibe, that salt to the earth?
MattGet down to get down to salted earth? Get down to the salted earth. What what would it what would that entail exactly? How do you get down to the salted earth? Oh, that means we've just accepted that the problem is completely unsolvable and we're just kind of gonna sit around in the dirt and gripe about it. Let's unspool this thread. That means we've been conquered by the Romans. Oh, we're down to salted earth. We're down to the salted earth. Um man, just coming up with an idiom is kind of tough, huh? Man, I know. How'd all those people do it? It's on the t it's on the tip of my tongue. You didn't come up with that though, Eric. No. I'm just saying, idioms are hard. They're they're they're not a they're not a diamond dozen, Matt. Okay, well then uh pretty much. It's a doggy dog world. If you're just gonna do this, what is this? What describe this? What am I doing? I don't know. I'm clearly not the sharpest tool in the shed, so there you go. Oh Matt. I don't think you are actually. I don't think that's an analogy. Dear Deer Diary? Is that what you were about to say? Dear diary. What I Google things in my diary. That way your search history is your diary. In many ways, is the search history not all of our all of our diaries? Let's get down show Bob. Let's open up the HTML code.
EricOh man. Oh, okay. What's a yeah, what's so what's a common thing we we young hip folk find ourselves in?
MattYoung? We us being the young hips? Yeah, yeah. Us being us being, you know, men about town. Men about town, almost men of a certain age, my friend. Almost of a certain vintage, dare I say. Yes. Yes, indeed. It it needs to be metal color. Oh, okay. And object. Oh, metal color. You're okay. You're I like this. You're putting into an equation now. Yes, yeah. Brass tacks. I'm trying to think of what is a is is a better like modern material. Like if we're going with the upholstery. Did they really nail this idiom so hard first try out the gate that we can't even we can't outdo it even when we no longer use that method of upholstery for mass production? Maybe not. Maybe not. So I think then maybe we abandon we abandon metal fastener altogether. Maybe it's the get down part that's we gotta get down bad. It doesn't have to be get down to. It can be we're you know, we're digging into, we're excavating, perhaps. We're oh, ooh, we gotta in a way that's okay. So if if getting down to brass tacks is like taking something apart to the point that you're at its bare materials, what could be going even farther than that? Except I would I would think melting down those materials. Forging a new smelting. Yes, yes, you're smelting the brass tax. Oh, we gotta, we so we gotta get down to brass ore. We gotta get down to raw ore. Let's smelt this ore. Let's smelt this ore. Let's smelt let's get get fetch me, fetch me my crucible, boy. Yes, the everyman expression of let's smelt this ore. Yeah. I got in the back, I got the sea dew with the tarp over it. I've got a composter, and I've got a fucking crucible. Let's go. Let's go. Can I hit you with this? Okay. We gotta close windows. Oh my god, Eric. That's scary. We gotta close tabs. I was just gonna say, slight tweak, close tabs. We gotta close tabs. We gotta close some tabs. That everyone, whatever other bullshit is rattling around in your brain, whatever you've got, whatever you're fucking looking at, close them out. All right. Eric, I legit love this. I I like this a whole lot. I love it to the point that I think I can find a way to start using this in my everyday speech of like, all right, hold on, let's close some tabs. Gotta close some tabs. Oh, Eric, it's good. Eric, it's really good. You nailed it. Holy sh oh fuck. I would bro, I was hanging on by a thread. I was I was gassed. I had nothing. I I thought for sure we were about to have to scrap that question and just pretend it never occurred. We were gonna we're gonna cancel the fucking podcast. Yeah, we're gonna have to refund a lot of Patreon money, but not today. Not today. No, not today. Double or nothing. Uh speaking of, don't close your tab on patreon.com slash you didn't ask for this. Subscribe today. Very good, Eric. Got it in there.
EricGod, okay, that's good. I feel so good.
MattI feel really good about it. And I have no claim to it. It was all you, bud. Oh, no, it's us. It happened on the show. It's us, baby. Uh it's us. That is so kind of you to say.
EricOur second question today.
How can we add some class to our bathroom slang?
MattYeah. I I'm still riding this high. Give me just one second. Oh. Fuck. Okay. Need a towel? Bitch, I might. Oh, here we go. This is from. I was just like, I don't know what else we can do with that. Okay. This is from our good friend, good friend of the pod, good friend of us, college friend, former guest of the show, uh, musician, performer, writer, actor, director, my guy. My former roommate. The septuple threat himself, Mike Purry Jr., asks, I think the slang for using the bathroom is worn out or gross. Quote, visit the little boys' room. Quote, drop the kids off. What are some newer, classier, better versions we can use? And goddamn it, Mike. Thank you for just emphasizing classier. Classier, I think, is the key word here. Because we uh we could do exactly what we just did, and look how well it worked out of just sort of spaghettiing at the walling amongst the elements and every every object we can think of, which is apparently dead presidents, chairs, salt, and sm and smelting. So dropping the kids off is objectively gross. Dropping the kids off is objectively gross. I think the full thing is dropping the kids off at the pool is what I've heard. The image evoking the image room. Well, little boys' room, I I get I get why people might find it gross. I've never found it gross, but I do think it's in today's society, feels a little weird. Yeah. Feels a little weird. Because I feel like when you and I, of men of our age, say, Oh, I just have to use the little boys' room, you have to the only way you can uh do it is if you make a bit out of it and be like, excuse me, could I uh could I just use the little boys room? Something to otherwise you're a fucking creep. Yeah, because if you come full on, like I said as a nice I must use the little boys room. If I was if if 1997 Matt comes up to you and says, can I use the little boys room? That's it you're done for. Now what now this is kind of I'm realizing now this is just an idiom themed. I don't think we even intended this. They're just both like idiom themed questions. Yeah, no, it just happened that. Um what what do what A, what other ones have you heard in our modern day for these? And B, which ones do you actually use? Mine, I the one that I I started saying is a joke, but like legitimately now it's so ingrained to me that like I just say it and one day I'm gonna say it in front of like an employer or something. Is I'll be back. I have to go make piss. Yeah. That's that's it. I just stand up, gotta make gotta make piss. That's just the thing you say. Uh that's also not hiding anything. That's just saying, no, I'm very forthright. Uh the the uh uh you know, see a man about a horse. I heard that. Uh I I gotta go get right with the Lord is some thing I'll say before I poop. Uh sorry, I I'll be right back. I have to go get right with the Lord. This is more for the women, but the the the powder for the ladies like powder my nose, you know. Oh, yeah. Pat has one that is especially gross. Uh, every time someone's peeing loudly, he says, Ooh, sounds like someone's frying chicken. Ew. Yeah, I know. Just kind of makes you go, ooh. That's disgusting. See, we need something classy. We need something classy, but it's easily understood that we're talking about going to the bathroom. Yes, yes. And I think to that extent, you really could, and maybe I'm just taking for granted that we are both actors, but you can say pretty much anything and with the right intention and look and tone, convey that, but we need something that's like universal. I gotta file my taxes. I have to return some video tapes. That's not class to me. That's back to creepy. If you know the context, I have to return some video tapes. Uh I'm trying to think of I'm picturing myself in a tuxedo. Like, what would a tuxedoed individual say? Because that's class. Oh, here we go. Just because we we we live in and around Baltimore, respectively. Um, ooh, sorry, got to go check the watershed. Okay. It's like we we're people around these parts, we tend we try to be very mindful of like, you know, you on every dr storm drain, you see, like, remember this goes to the Chesapeake Bay. Yeah. It's like, yeah. It's a it's a it is an ever-present uh message in these parts. I don't want them think I don't want them puzzling to you. Or maybe you leave them in a state of puzzlement long enough that they're like, what the f oh he's going to oh yeah, long enough that they can watch where you're going to. He's just going to make piss. Yeah, make piss isn't good, Eric. You shouldn't say that, I don't think.
EricBut I but I make piss.
MattI know you make piss, but I think that's fine to say in your household, but uh I wouldn't say it in the public sphere. I know. I'm legitimately worried that one day I'm gonna be in like a fucking like a boardroom somewhere.
EricAnd I was like, uh, gentlemen, I'll be right back. I have to make piss.
MattI uh I around the house I'm very ladies and gentlemen of the jury. Please, I have to make piss. I'd say around the house I'm also direct like this, but it's like I'll more often than not, me with my irritable bowels, uh will sometimes be in the middle of conversation with Lindsay and just have to be like, oh, I am so sorry. I was just informed I have to take a shit. That's good. That that is I I like the energy of that. Like the like you just got an alert, like a notification. Oh, oh, sorry. The council just got back to me. They've made their decision. Yeah. Um, there's like kneeling at the por kneeling before the porcelain god, but that more refers to throwing up into a toilet. It does. Um if you're kneeling to pee, it's something's wrong. Look. Something's off. See a urologist. It's about living clean. It's about living clean. By peeing. No processed food, no processed foods, drink only water, and kneel when you pee. Yeah. You know, you know what I mean? Eat pray kneel. Eat pray kneel. And that's what they mean. Eat kneel, piss, flush. Kneel, piss, fiss. Gotta keep that KP KPF. Tat tattoo it, baby. Fucking knuckle tat. It'll be it'll be kneel on one on one hand, and then I'll grab piss flush on the other. Piss flush on the other one. Piss flush. So you didn't like file your taxes? No, file my taxes, I do like. Especially if it's if it's after April 15th. Because then that's a good thing. I have to go polish. I have to go polish the porcelain. Ooh, polish the porcelain is classy, right? That is that is very classy. That is very, it's unambiguous. Yeah. Does avoid avoids, if you'll pardon the phrase, potty language. Oh, Eric. Oh, um, in that same tone, if you're in a more blue-collar setting, oh, okay. I have to go power wash the porcelain. Yeah, power wash the deck. No. You gotta power wash the deck. No, no. Stoop. Power wash the stoop. What's better? What's more, what's more rugged? No, okay, but even the power wash, honestly, in this context, somebody goes, Oh, I gotta go power wash the stoop and goes to the bathroom. I feel like I'd turn if I'm sitting with you at the restaurant and our third party has just gone to the bathroom, I'd feel like I'd turn to you and be like, they got bidets here?
EricThey got bidets here.
MattOh, that's a that's a valid. Yeah, I would get hype. I would get hype for the actually, I don't know how hype I get for a public bidet. Power wash the boat. Is that a bidet you have? Power wash the boat. Oh, gotta gotta rinse the spittoon. Rinse the spit. Sometimes you do, you know. Sometimes you just gotta give it a rinse. Sometimes you just gotta clean it. Your spittoons full, dump it out, piss in it. Um gotta spitons. I must, I simply must wash my butt. Well, now you're going bidet central. Just take Matt, I'm just taking it day by day.
EricEric.
MattSo good. So good. Taking it day by day. Uh bid. That is good. Um, okay. I am going to Google to see if what about this? Maybe there's an older one. Ooh, we love an anachronistic sorry, fellas. I must leech the horse. I must leech the horse. Sorry, chums. I must guillotine my sovereign. Uh the okay. I did not find what I was looking for, but I did gotta seize the means. I did find it. Funny you should say that. Maybe this this can get us going. This is from uh Ask Reddit a decade ago. Uh the what are some creative use euphemisms for this? Somebody said, I need to go deliver some political promises. That that is good. Oh, I like that. When when this person was in the army stationed in Germany, there was a British fellow who would get up after a few beers and declare, I'm off to the diamond mines. I'm off to the diamond mines is is classy as fuck. That is kind of fun. I'm off to the yeah, I'm off, I'm off to the diamond mines. Almost like that tongue in cheek, I'm heading to a luxurious place, but I'm just gonna go poop. I like that spirit. I'm off to wring out a kidney. I gotta stock the pond with brown trout. Jesus Christ. 350 upvotes. This hey, Eric, this person does say I have to return some videotapes. Hell yeah. Timeless. Oh, the the uh the somebody said something about the home office, uh, but that made me think if you need me, I'll be in my office and then go to the back. I'll need yeah. Oh, if you need me, I'll be in my office, is great. Or my study, even. I'll be in the study. I'll just go check in the back. See, we I'll see what we have in the back. I'll see what we have in the back. That's pretty good. Yeah, yeah. It's also, by the way, anytime a retail employee has told you they're gonna go see what's in the back, that's what they did. They went to the bathroom and came back. Yeah. Or they did what dogs think we do. They walked through a door and then stood on the other side of it for a little while and then just came back.
EricUm, oh, I yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
MattUh I'll be right back. I'm gonna update my firmware. Update my firmware. Gonna clear out the cash. Gonna clear the cash is good. Gonna clear the cash. Clear the caches, nice. Clear the cash, unambiguous. I gotta clear the cash. Techno jargon. I gotta clear the cash. That's good. I I I legit like clear the cash. Okay. Okay. That that one's here. We'll put that one on the fridge. Put that one on the fridge. What was the other one we had? Uh I'll check in the back. I'll check in the back. I'll check in the back. Um, I'll I'll oh what no, what was the I'll ret I have to retire to my study. I do, I do like if you need me, I'll be in the study. If you need me, I'll be in the study. The rumpus room. The rumpus room, Eric. Which I I only found out what a rumpus room is because Alyssa was playing uh Blueprints, which is a video game I think you would love. But it's like a big puzzle game, and like there are all these different kinds of rooms, and one of them is uh like a rumpus room, and I've heard that room referred to often in my life, but I didn't know what it was. Just a room for frivolity and activities. Oh, I know what a rumpus room is, Eric. I didn't know that. You didn't have a rumpus room? Bro, I I look like I had a rumpus room. Yes. Put it right next to the fuck well, boy. You put it in the West Wing? Eric, you are a wild thing. I that's why we didn't have a rumpus room. I had to become the rumpus. You were the rumpus. I am the rumpus. See me in my Heisenberg hat and my sunglasses. I am the rumpus. Oh god, that's funny. Oh man. Um yeah, but do these things that we've come up with, do they evoke classy? Clearing the cash. I like polish the porcelain from a class point of view. I polish the porcelain. I must I have to balance the books. Ooh, balance the books. I have to balance the books. I gotta treat the pool. I gotta treat the pool is treating the pool is is nice. That I do I do like treating the pool. I gotta treat the pool. Can you imagine? I gotta treat the pool. Say that in all seriousness, then get up and go to the bathroom. Oh my god. That that is very good. And it brings us right back. It's a it harkens back to the pool imagery, but does not involve dropping anyone off there. It does hearken back. I'll be back. I gotta check the pH. Okay, check the pH. Well, see, that implies you're t you're doing something to the like getting something out of it, which you shouldn't be doing in a public space. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Uh well, I think the I think those are I think we've I think we've established some classy options. Clearing the cash, retiring to the study, returning some video tapes. Polishing the porcelain. Polishing the porcelain. Yeah, baby. Um, and then finally, just just so you have an option, folks. I'll be right back. I gotta go rip some ass. I gotta go rip some ass. If you just want to like get down to it. If you're gonna do that, you could just say, I gotta defecate. But and really mean it too. Really get down to the brass tanks. Brass tacks. Ooh, we gotta we gotta close tabs, get down to brass tacks, close some tabs and take a shit. Just a nasty old dumpy nasty old shit that makes you say, I gotta have more fire. It's one of those real okay. Hated that. Hated that.
EricYeah.
MattAnd we all did. Yeah. So say we all. So say we all. Now, Eric, you once again were were were charged
Closer: Jephorby
Mattwith uh bringing in a closing segment. And before you say anything, is this visual based? No, it is not. It is not. No. Okay, let's proceed then. So, Matt, huge shout out to my beloved Alyssa, um, who who uh uh helped me come up with with this game. It's great. All right. Um, Matt, and it actually relates to something we you've mentioned recently on the show, which is you are historically, you are someone who collects collections. You collect hobbies, you are a hobbyist. I am a hobbyist. I am something of a hobbyist, yes. So, Matt, today what I have for you, I'm calling this Jephorby. Jepphorby. Jepp Horby, a portmanteau of Jeopardy and Hobby. Got it. Um, aka what the fuck, who the fuck? Matt, I am going to list for you. I'm gonna name either a uh a term for someone who does the hobby. Oh, got it, yeah. Or a term from that hobby. And I guess the hobby. And you're gonna guess the hobby, please. Jeopardy. Jeff Herbie, Jep Herbie rules are in effect. It's with what the fuck or who the fuck. What the fuck, who the fuck? What the fuck is or who the fuck are, yada yada yada. Okay. So let's let's set the answer in the form of an expletive. Answer in the form of an expletive. This game was made for you. Understood. Juggalo. What the fuck are insane clown posse people? Yes. I figured we give that one or I I I figured you knew. I just did need to double check. We have talked about juggaloes on this program before. Whoop whoop. Good to know you're an ally. I'm not. I'm not. Skimmers. Skimmers. Skimmers. Hmm. I uh uh oh no. It sounds like I should know. It does sound criminal. It does sound super criminal. It sounds super criminal. It does sound like, you know, people skimming off the top is what I think of, and I'm sure that has something to do with it. Uh I'm gonna I'm gonna say I wanna I want it to be something like a DD thing, but I don't it doesn't sound like something uh in a DD world. That seems like something you'd go to, but not with this phrase. I oh I'm drawing a blank on it, so I'm gonna say uh what the fuck are pool boy people? Ooh, sorry, we were looking for skimboarding. Skimboarding. Okay, okay. Matt, that brings us to gongoozling. Gongoozling. Gongoozling. Could you spell gongoozling for me, Eric? It's G-O-N-G-O-O-Z-L-I-N-G. Gongoozling. God damn, that's a tough one. That that feels like it'd be some sort of obscure, like somebody who carves planes out of balsa wood.
EricOoh.
MattSo I'm gonna say, who the fuck are balsa aviators? Ooh, sorry, Matt. Unfortunately, we're looking for people who leisurely watch gondolas pass in a canal. Gongoozling. Gone goozling. It's an actual hobby. That is really fantastic. I know. Isn't it delightful? Doesn't that just like awaken your inner child? Yeah. Matt, yarn bombing. Yarn bombing. It does sound like somebody who insists on like uh who who knit, and so they're uh, you know, they deliver just an unwanted amount of like home knitted gifts. Matt, go on. Who the fuck are they? I'll I'll accept it. And I'll I will give you that. It seemed like you were about to give it to me. So that's you were you were you were you were so close. I have to get yarn bombing, also known as gorilla knitting, is when people go out and knit garments around tree limbs, statues, like structures, like public structures. Like you ever see someone like like knit a vest around a statue? That's that's yarn bombing. That's yarn bombing. Interesting, yeah. Gorilla knitting. Just like the Viet Cong did.
EricYes.
MattYes.
EricUh I still have flashbacks to the crochet walls. Um Matt, talk to me about Twitchers.
MattOh. And Matt, I'm actually gonna give you such a I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna give you a thing. It has nothing to do with the Twitch website. Okay, well, sure. I my my mind went to like a physical Twitch. Like some somebody with uh a neurological issue. Yes. And I was like, hmm, that doesn't feel uh good to say. Um but yet I did say it. Um that's not my guess. Again, that's not my guess. I thought you were the problem. Twitchers. Um I'm gonna suggest that it has all right, Twitch. Twitching, it doesn't have anything to do with the Twitch website. Um what the fuck are alcoholics on the side of a public pool? Could be a Twitcher could be, but I can't give it to you, Matt. Unfortunately, Twitchers refers to extreme bird watching.
EricExtreme bird watching where in so typical bird watching is, you know, you're maybe you're out in your backyard or you're like staying in like, you know, an Airbnb in the woods, and you're like, ooh, I'm gonna look at some birds, and like, ooh, I spotted that one.
MattTwitchers are people are extreme bird watchers who will go travel hundreds of miles, like camp, hike, set up. Like they're like nature documentary people who are just not actually recording anything. They just want to see a bird and cross it off the list. Get them on their peepers. Apparently, the name comes from people like they that they're that they get so excited when they finally see the bird, they're like they start like twitching. Twitching? Okay, so I was sort of on to it with it makes me think of twitching. Physically to it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. All right, all right. Uh I wouldn't have gotten to the bird uh place. No. No. But let's see if you can come back with a basher. A basher. This is not a position on a Quidditch team. Nice. Um I feel like a basher is somebody who goes to one of those like uh uh those wreck it rooms. Uh I can't think of what they're oh, oh, oh, uh what are they called? They're the opposite of like like not the opposite of an escape room, but like in the same vein you just break everything. The uh I the rumpus rooms, truly. The rumpus room. Rage rooms? Oh, rage rooms. Rage rooms, I think is what it's called. Yeah, like a rage room rage room enthusiast. Who the fuck is that? Okay. But unfortunately, I still can't give it to you. No, a basher, it's a variation of a train spotter. It's someone who not only likes to sounded British, if I'm being honest. It's it's very British. Um, it actually came it apparently uh well apparently train spotting as a hobby, like came about after World War I. Oh. Or might have been two, can't remember.
EricBut uh, someone who not only likes to watch trains but ride on them.
MattLike, like a train spotter will be like, oh, I want to see that specific engine of this, but they actually go, and I'm not talking past. Passenger trains. I mean, like they're like, this industrial culture, and I just want to ride on it. Right. And they get permission and stuff. Not to be confused with a train hopper. Yes. Which if kids remember, if you ever see a train hopper, no you fucking didn't. And don't fucking do that, you dummies. A term a a term for what this uh what this hobbyist does. Spring bending. This is a term for what this hobbyist does. For how they would describe what they do. Is it one who loves to fucking pogo stick? I will accept. I will, as long as you include the expletive, I will accept it. Is it a fucking pogo fucker? Pogo me this, Batman. Pogo me this. Um, no, but you're you're you're in the fucking neighborhood. Springbending refers to uh professional slinky jugglers, people who manipulate slinkies in cool ways. Yes, all right. Yes. I would have called them slunkers, but that's just me. That's just you, and that's just logical. A fan. Spelling P H A N. A fan. First thing that jumped to mind, I don't think it's necessarily correct, but it probably has been used. A Phillies fan, a fan of the Fnatic and the Phillies, and all of those good things. They love a PH pun. Oh, could you phrase it with a fuck? Who the fuck likes the fucking Phillies? So close. It is fans. It is with the P and the PH is significant.
EricIt's fans of the band Fish.
MattAh, okay. Yeah. Sure. Yeah. I was in the ballpark. I think I get partial credit for that somehow. I think, I think, uh Matt, I'll throw you a 0.5 for that. Thanks. He is a benevolent god. Am I not? Matt? Yeah, I'm the only one here. Adherents to this hobby would describe themselves as pushing wood. Pushing wood. Pushing wood. This is frustrating because I feel like I could get this. Um, I don't know why. No, it no, it doesn't make any sense. Bowling for some reason came to mind, but it like there's no way that that doesn't make sense. And it can't be something like woodworking or anything like carpentry like that, like proper. Pushing wood. God, I wish I knew. Do you need in a sentence? If you're willing to do that for me. Well, you know, I just, you know, uh, thanks today. I I really gave it my all. Just got out there and started pushing wood. Well, you used it in a sense. What I'm doing what everyone else is doing. I'm just here pushing wood. Is it is it sweeping? Just sweeping? Just fucking sweeping the floor? Matthew, unfortunately, no, it refers to chess. Really? The pushing of a piece. Pushing wood. All right. If they're made of wood, I guess, yeah. If they're made of wood, I suppose. I guess then it makes sense, yeah, sure. Which brings us to adherence to this hobby would be called wood pushers. Hmm. Wood pushers. Not to be confused with pushing wood. Wood pushers. Honestly, pushing wood sounds like a masturbation euphemism. Pushing wood could be a bathroom scenario. If you're if your if your bowel situation is particularly dire, it's like, dash fucking I'm in there. It's like I'm pushing wood. God's fucking pushing wood in there. Too much fiber at that point.
EricFeels like I'm pissing wood.
MattOh my god. Go to the emergency room. Yeah, get there now. But now we're talking about wood pushers. Wood pushers. It doesn't sound good. It doesn't sound something like something I want to say publicly. I'll give it to you this one. I'll give it to you this way in a sentence because I'm I never anticipated the giving to a but I love this aspect now. That's right, Dad. I'm a wood pusher. Again, it's a slams door. It's right, Dad. I'm a wood pusher. It seems somehow derogatory. It doesn't seem like these fans want this. But that's right, Dad. I'm a wood pusher. He is a drummer. He's you're drumming. Oh, I like that guess. He's a fucking drummer. There it is. No, but in the didn't make it right. No, that didn't make it right. I thought you were being like, I like that guess. No, I just want to keep you honest. If only I could count. No, a wood pusher refers to a skateboarder. What? Yes. No, it doesn't. Super does. Definitely does. But you're not pushing anything. You're put you're put you're pushing wood. You're pushing. The wood is your skateboard. You're pushing. If you weren't pushing it, you wouldn't the skateboard would stay still and you would just be running. Like a jackass. All right, fine. This one is near and dear to my heart. That's the only hit hint I'll give you. Stick jock. Stick jock. And Matt, I'll even give you another hint. You've done this. Eric. You don't need to be blowing up my pride in life. Just jocking it left and light. He's in there jocking it. Is it's a gamer. It's a fucking gaming uh commentary. Oh, is it is is so could you give me your give me your guess? Yeah, that's right, dad. I'm gonna be a professional stick jock. Which means you one who plays video games. It's because I'm gonna give you half a point. Okay. I'm gonna give you that. I'm gonna give you that half a point because a stick jock refers to someone who is a LARP who fights with foam foam weapons. Okay. All right. And in now, now these days it's used these days it's used a little more as a broad term, but in my day, it it was it referred, it was it was a pejorative. It was for the it was used to describe the dudes who literally when I LARPed, we had a whole like mythos and story, and like there was the adventuring and like the whole like kind of DD aspect of it, and while we like the reason we were hitting each, but the stick jocks were dudes who just wanted to come out and beat people up with phone, which is kind of what we did in in college LARPing. Yeah. It was mostly just being on a loading dock with with also known as boffing. Pool noodle wrapped bamboo sticks. Indeed. Indeed. Matt, Cartophily. Fucking Cartoffy people are fucking the guys who make up maps for uh fictional places.
EricOoh.
MattYeah, you sorry. I can see it's wrong, but you it's a good guess. It that is that would have been my guess if I'd had good advice. I didn't know this was the term for this. A collector of trading cards. Nope. Nope. That doesn't make any sense. I don't like that. I don't think that should be. Matt? And just any trading cards? Any any trade, like baseball cards, Pokemon cards, fucking interesting. I've never heard that. Matt, talk to me about rock hounds. I mean, if it's not just as simple as somebody who fucking collects rocks and minerals, like Dean Norris in uh Breaking Bad. I yeah, I'm gonna say they're hanging it up and they got their minerals. Matt, that is correct. Nice. Nice. I I I was wondering if the if it was like, is it so simple it's a red herring? That's what I thought, but I was like, I don't know what else it could be. Cocaine addicts? Now, Matt, this is a term from this hobby. Okay. Boofing. Oh, wait a minute. I've heard of boofing. Wait a minute.
EricOh man.
MattOh no. Oh goodness. Boofing. That's that rings a bell. That that begs a boof.
EricCome on, man.
MattAnd to everyone listening right now, you're not thinking of the right thing. I'm not? No, no, no, no. You you're fine. Go on. Go on. You you were fine. I'm talking to everyone listen listening. Boofing. Hold on. I feel like it's uh Oh gosh. I I feel like I wanna fucking get this. Do you think you've boofed? Oh no, that seems dangerous to answer. Because I feel like it's an illegal thing. Is it? It has something to do with stucking something up your butt, I think. I think. I don't know what it is, but putting okay, I'm gonna just say putting somebody who this is perhaps this is a my a strange addiction type thing, but somebody who likes to put things up the butthole into the rectum there. Matt, I'm gonna give you 0.75 points for that. All right. Because because there were actually two correct answers. The primary answer I was gonna get, I was gonna get, and if you had gotten this, I would have given you like a million extra points. Boofing refers to dropping from a ledge in whitewater kayaking. Okay. Interesting. I was surprised to learn this because as you or boofing more colloquially, colloquially, boofing more commonly refers to putting drugs up your butt. Ah, drugs. There are a lot of drugs that are much more uh efficacious. Absorbs in you absorb through the uterine lining. And that's what all those dirty birds at home were giggling about while you were while you were. I cannot tell you how to say we never educate you, audience. Oh, say we didn't give back. Yes, don't say we don't take care of the community. And that finally, that brings us to our our closer.
EricMatt, friends, ladies, gentlemen, and all friends within and without the gender binary.
MattI ask you, what is a nephophile? A nephophile. N-E-P-H-O-P-H-I-L-E Nephophile. Well, hopefully it's not related to necrophile. Um It sounds terrible. It sounds like it is. It sounds somehow like a crime against humanity and a slur at the same time. I mean, I trust you know what a necrophile is. I do. Okay. We'll leave it at that. Yeah. You've been what? Known to a cold crack into a culpable? Crack into a culpable. Yeah. Um, yeah, it sounds terrible. Nephophile. Nephophile. And that's Matt, that's the only hint I'll give you. It sounds terrible. Yeah, I'm getting the impression it sounds it's a gross word for a not a gross thing necessarily. Um I'm gonna oh god, I'm gonna optics are terrible. Are you giving me No, it wasn't another hint. You're giving me hints like that. Somebody who loves glasses, no, sorry, decorative glasses. I would be truly shocked if you guessed this. I uh the prefix is throwing me. I'm trying to think of something that I can like make. I'm trying to make some point. I'm sure. I've been a Nephophile. Oh, you've been a Nephophile sometime in your life or another. Everyone has N-E-P-H? N-E-P-H. Oh Lord, I I I know it's the closer, it's the big finale, but I I don't have a good guess for this, so I think I have to assume it is uh somebody who just uh collects and makes love with sweater vests. Uh God, I wish that was what it was.
EricUm no, Matt, uh a nephophile, you've been a nephile, I've been a nephile. I date uh uh uh a prolific nephophile.
MattCloud watching. A cloud watching. A cloud, cloud watching. Someone who enjoys watching the clouds. Sure. I mean everyone's been a nephophile. Everyone's been a nephophile at some juncture. That's you're all complicit. All right. You're all implicated. We're not all on the Nephophile list. Hashtag Nephophilin'j just fine. Doesn't it sound so fucking awful? It does. It's way too close to necrophile. It's too, it's too close to too many things. It it's got to go. It's gotta go. Miriam, that's one that can go. Check, please. And that brings us to the end of our game. Matt, I'm gonna tabulate your score.
EricMatt, out of 15, you scored.
Matt4.75, my man. You're on the board. You're on the board. Not good. You're on the board. Doesn't seem good. Uh well, Eric, you've done another great job coming up with a game. Uh appreciate it. So many words. We learned so many words and phrases today. We did. Some are new. Some are new. Some are the very, very tenuous history of words. Some are harrowing. Harrowing. And some are harrowing, yes. Yeah. But, you know, they didn't ask for that, did they?
EricOh my god, he said it. He said the name of the movie. Oh my god.
MattNo, I didn't. I said it, I said it kind of relatedly. You tongue-in-cheeked it. I tongue-in cheeked it. You did like a Jim Halpert look at the camera like that. I did. It is it is giving Jim Halpert a little bit. It is. Not as almost like when I said the brass tacks thing earlier at the beginning of the beginning of the episode. But this isn't the beginning of the episode. This is the end of it. Matt, give them the business. The business is as follows. We need your questions. I think that is uh something that you take for granted. It'll always be true. It'll always be true. God, we have so many good, funny friends who give us questions and we love them. But the cues getting light, guys. Q's getting thin. We're and we are getting dangerously close to having to come up with our own content. Times is lean. Times is lean, and listen, I'm gonna I'm getting ready for a brief leave of absence, perhaps. And and Poach is gonna need some arrows in his quiver. My rock won't be here. I'm gonna need y'all to be my rock. That's damn right. I'm gonna be trying to keep a human being alive.
EricAnd we'll have a special guest co-host when uh Matt's out of town.
MattOh, quite possibly. Give you something to look forward to. We can't reveal all our secrets. So you can send those questions to us at you didn't ask for this at genemail.com. That's all spelled out. They can be about whatever the fuck you want. Or you can send them to us at you didn't ask pod on all the various socials. But if you want to speak those questions, you gotta call the thought line at 410-929-5329. And tell us how much of a fan you are by joining the Patreon. Yes. Patreon.com slash you didn't ask for this. Eric said it earlier already. Come join the orgy dome. Yes, the orgy dome. It's a mystery benefit uh that you don't fully understand until you're in the dome. Get in the dome. Orgy dome. That's two episodes in a row. We've done that. That seems like a good time for us to retire. So for Mall of Us here at You Didn't Ask for This, my name is Matthew Shea. My name is Eric Thoute. And listen, friends, you didn't ask. But I was very disappointed when I was looking up these. I I have a friend who does like all he's a skimboarder, he does stunt kiting, devil sticks, all this shit. I thought there would be cool names for a lot. I thought there'd be a cool name for Ultimate Frisbee. I learned today there's a lot of hobbies that just do not have cool names for them. The closest I got in Ultimate Frisbee, they huck. To huck is to throw. We're gonna have to come up with some. We're gonna have to a huckster? A huckster? See, he just did it. They just keep fucking flowing. Devil sticks, that's I don't know how hype I get for a public bidet.