You Didn't Ask For This

132 | Put it in the Bagging Area

• Matt Shea and Eric Poch

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It's the classic conundrum: you're in witness protection...but you're also in love. When do you spill the beans to your lover? Then, how does one address an elephant in a room? 

We close things out today with a new game from Poch: Drugeons and Dragons! (It's a Pop Quiz) 

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Matt:

Eric, I like to think that when I go out to the public-facing areas of the world. Mm-hmm. Gen pop. Also known as the public. Also known as genpop. Yeah. You know, I I try to be uh, you know, kind to the working man out there.

Eric:

Of course.

Matt:

Retail people is what I mean. I'm not frequenting construction sites. Like, are you just walking around foundries and getting showered by sparks? Seeing how lagger. How it all's going here, gentlemen. Uh yes, I work at home. Um no, I'm not doing that. But you know, I always I try to be very generous to retail workers, store workers, that kind of uh that kind of work for working retail sucks.

Eric:

Sucks. And working retail during the holidays is a crime against humanity. Yes.

Matt:

But there is there is something that I just there is something that without fail seems to trigger me into an absolute fucking monster, and I have no I have no control over it.

Eric:

Okay.

Matt:

It is the self-checkout machines, specifically in my local giant, which is the world's worst giant, but it's very close to me, so it's very convenient for when we need a th a little something for whatever. Some craft cheese singles. Yeah, we oh, we ran out of bread or whatever, it's right down the street, it's no big deal. But it is the worst giant, and and I I find self-checkout machines all over the place to be generally infuriating, but the yeah, the these, these in particular, don't really just get my blood pressure fucking going, Eric. First of all tell me, does it talk to you? Yeah, of course it fucking talks to me. Yeah, but it doesn't talk, it yells, and then it came for me today. It finally fucking came for me, okay? Because here's the thing. I go there and I'm like my anxiety is fucking spiked because what happens? I try, I scan one thing, I put it down, it says, as I'm putting it down, as it's in flight from scan it into the bagging area, put it into the bagging area, put it into the bagging area, put it into the bag.

Eric:

Why haven't you put it into the bagging area, Matthew?

Matt:

Help is on the way. Oh, it's fucking hate that. I hate that so much. Oh, and I'm like, no, I don't fucking need help. And then this motherfucker, and I swear to god, they're all like this. Every fucking supervisor of the self-checkout is the exact same. They walk over with this mug fucking face, like, what'd you do? And I'm like, you sit here literally all day watching everyone have the same fucking problem. Why are you coming over to me like you engineered the machine and that this is your life's work, Turing, that this is your Enigma machine. Fuck all the way off. And then he gets in here, he gets in here, he puts in his car, he puts in his code, whatever he does, and and you know, I scan my other things and I'm fucking on my way. But today, Eric, yeah, I walked up, and this is how you know that we should be afraid of artificial intelligence. Okay, this is how you know that it is going to be a problem, that they're already sentient behind those screens. I walked up to the machine, Eric. I walked up to the machine. I put my couple of things down on the the you know, the the the first area. Yeah, the holding the staging area. Eric, I have my a loaf of bread in my hand, about to scan it. And I'm I even open, I like got a bag open and everything. I was like, You are ready for the bagging area. Everything is set. I can do this. We together can do this. And before I even make that first swipe, before my elbow even bends, yeah. Help is on the way. No fucking way. I I literally lost my shit. I would not, I would, I would crash the fuck out. I turned to the guy and he was he had that look ready to go, and I was like, fix this. Do you hear me, blue collar urchin? He was like, you saw it. I didn't even fucking scan anything yet. I didn't do jack shit. And like, I'm immediately defensive.

Eric:

And yeah, yeah, no, always start it immediately defensive. Make sure you're pointing at them, make sure you're brandishing your finger at them.

Matt:

And he comes over, he swipes something, he was like, Yeah, no, sorry about that. I mean, these things have been doing that all day. And I was just like, Well, oh, well, it's it's it's nice to be recognized.

Eric:

Okay, it's nice to get a little respect around here.

Matt:

You have a happy holiday. Okay, I'm gonna scan my shit. And let me tell you, it better not fucking do this again. All right, good day to you. What's your name, Mr. Cratchit? Good day. You have a good day.

Eric:

Did you feel bad? No. Good, good No, good, dude, I get it. Like you're you're a robber baron. You gotta remind the proletariat who daddy is. You gotta you gotta you gotta tell them.

Matt:

And you might be out there saying, Well, if you hate the self-checkout, why don't you just go to the regular checkout? Maybe I would if they didn't have one person doing the regular checkout.

Eric:

Servicing like 30 people.

Matt:

Yes, the line is long because all those old people want to use that person. I don't blame them because of these dictators that are the self-checkout machine. And I hate it even more when they've got the little security camera that's like looking back at you and just showing me get angry.

Eric:

Oh, like it might as well have a little alarm thief, thief, thief, vagabond. So anyway. Misanthrope.

Matt:

Uh I didn't really say fix this, okay? I I I I I gave him the look and the energy that said fix this, and I did grunt, I I grunted. I did grunt. Lightly beat him about the head and shoulders with your cane. Yeah, I I grabbed him by his collar and I I did say like, don't you have a job? I did say that. But you know, I didn't I didn't literally say that. You shook him a little bit. I gave I gave him attitude, I admit to that, because now I'm now I thought this would be a funny story, and now you have made me feel as though I'm being portrayed, that I've portrayed myself as some asshole. I gave the man toot, Eric, because this fucking machine gave me toot. I didn't even scan anything yet.

Eric:

You're a mean one, Mr. Shay. Your items need a bag.

Matt:

I've been set up by myself. Been set up by my fucking self. I wish I told him to fix it now. I wish I told him that. Yeah, he's a piece of shit, and so are you. How about that? How about that?

Eric:

Thank you.

Matt:

There it is. How about that?

Eric:

There's my music. Thought I lost him.

Matt:

Well, hello everybody, and welcome to You Didn't Ask for This, the podcast that answers life's least pressing questions. My name's Matthew Shea. My name is Eric Poach. Eric Poach, how are you doing today? Again, I didn't ask the man to fix it.

Eric:

I am I am doing great. I have tea. Good. I have other things, life is good.

Matt:

I made myself a little bee's knees for this uh here show, but I put uh uh put too much lemon juice in it. It's a little tart.

Eric:

Now, bee's knees, is that uh whiskey honey little lemon juice?

Matt:

Gin. Gin. Ooh, gin. Gin honey lemon juice. Yeah. Okay.

Eric:

Nice.

Matt:

Yeah, I'm not a big gin person in general, but uh we were gifted a uh bottle of gin. Um by that's for the orphans in the workhouse. Yes, yes, they the workhouse in uh to to to get Christmas Day off. They gave me a bottle of gin. Uh so you know I've been uh, you know, have to make use of it. Hell yeah, man.

Eric:

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Matt:

No worries. Yeah, we're good. Yeah, you okay?

Eric:

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Blow on it first. Give it a little blow. I'd blow on it, but this yeti mug that my friend got me is is hermetically sealed against I mean you can blow through the hole. I do it like every day, but you know. I always get scared it's gonna splash back at me sometimes.

Matt:

It's not, it has a cover.

Eric:

It's gonna boiling. That's what the covers for it. Well, it shouldn't be you don't want it boiling, Eric. Oh no, I I can only drink my tea if it's just on the boil. Can you? It seems like maybe you can't. I just got I just gotta toughen up, just gotta pull myself up by my bootstraps, just gotta get a thicker tongue. There you go. As they say.

Matt:

Now, Eric, as I have shared with you, I uh was up against a deadline for turning for turning in an audiobook. Uh so I have literally been sitting in these headphones for four days editing my own voice, not even broken up by your dulcet tones. Uh I I I Matthew, I pity you. And I had like literally like 10 hours a day for like five days. And I had to text you and say, like, I uh my friend, I need you to just grab those reins and and do the work for this podcast episode on Monday. Yeah. And you did? And I did here we are. So, Eric, I would love to know what our first question is.

Eric:

Oh, Bobby, happily. Our first question, uh, this comes from Alyssa, my beloved, former guest of this show, and hopefully future. She asks, at what point in the process of dating someone do you reveal that you're in witness protection? Mm-mm. So you're dating someone? Yeah. You're in witness protection, or you're you're about to, you're uh you're you're on the market and you're in witness protection.

Matt:

I would assume you are first in witness protection. Yes. And second, then now dating. Yes. Because you have to you have to be dating under your assumed identity.

Eric:

I would assume so.

Matt:

I mean, like that that really is the question is like the whole point of witness protection.

Eric:

That's the whole point. I wonder, do they have to like do do you have to watch, like, do you have to take like LX training on how to be in witness, like how to date in witness protection? Is there videos they make you watch? Now remember, you can't tell people your real real fucking name. I do think there is uh something like sit through a PowerPoint that's explaining how you're gonna lie to every single person around you for the rest of your life?

Matt:

Because I think the practical answer really probably should be that you don't. Like, I think you just don't ever. You just you're just single and you die alone. No, no, no, no. I think you assume the identity that you assume.

Eric:

I Oh yeah, they tell you, like, look, even if you get married, you can't tell them.

Matt:

I think that's my impression of witness protection, is that you are like truly like your old life is done, at least until well, I think there are levels, right? Like I think there's levels of witness protection in the sense that like some are gonna be very temporary and some are like some are like you you pissed off the the Chicago street boys.

Eric:

Yeah, no, you are the narc done the mob, you are a new human being now. Like and now like they're Tommy guns coming for you around every corner. Truly, yeah. Let's assume that one. Let's assume that one.

Matt:

If it's that one, if it's that one, then I I I kinda think you can't reveal it.

Eric:

Or you shouldn't. Yeah, like you can never tell you you don't want to. But let's assume, let's assume in this mob romance that you wanted to. We're we're we're witness protection. We're and you and you you you make that like look, if I'm gonna be with someone, if I'm gonna be with someone in a serious relationship, they have to know. And and that's the question is at what point, how far because clearly, because obviously, like I think we can all agree, right? Going on one date with someone, you can't, you you don't reveal that information. No, but there is, I think we can all agree, you're married, have four kids, and are now retired, too late. Then tell them too late. Too late.

Matt:

So let's find that Goldilocks. My initial impression is that you'd want to tell someone around the time that you want to propose, or you think they are going to propose.

Eric:

I am 100%, it has to be before any marriage proposals are are thrown out there.

Matt:

And if it if they if they beat you to the punch and they propose, I think you have to be like, yes, but and there's there's a big ol' thing you need to know about. Because you need to know that they're in it for the long haul. Oh, yeah.

Eric:

You gotta know they're in it for the long haul. You gotta know, and like, and like I mean the long haul. The long haul. You have to be so fucking certain, and but then that complicates things because like to be that certain, I feel like for me, it was like, okay, I'd have to be dating you for a while and really like know that like like you're the one like how long were you and you and Lindsay dating before you popped the question? Essentially 10 years.

Matt:

Okay, so like I I know it's on the higher end of the spectrum.

Eric:

Yeah, but like i I it's it's not anything I would consider unreasonable. Let's say, let's say between five and six years would be maybe the average before someone pops with that. I don't know. Oh man, I don't know how let's let's find this out though. Let's see. Looks like I'm seeing a lot of two to five years. Average couple, two and a half years. Do you think two and a half years is enough time to assess if you can tell you can do the one thing that you have been instructed probably by governments to not do.

Matt:

And by the way, as I'm I'm uh while you were doing that, I was doing a cursory Google search. Yeah. It does it does seem like the answer is yeah, you just you lie. Yeah, you just don't, you never tell them it's gonna play on you.

Eric:

That's gotta suck.

Matt:

I I think that that could be. Oh, wait, hold on. I I found the U.S. Marshall's page on it. Maybe that has information. Oh, if anyone's gonna know. All right, this is I'll be honest, way too much to read.

Eric:

Who's got the time? Who's got the time? Who's got the time? I now now let me well so but in this world where let's assume you're gonna break the rule, you're gonna, you're gonna, you're gonna risk it, you're gonna risk it, you or the matrimony.

Matt:

I get it. I because I would, I think.

Eric:

Oh, I I'd have to. I'd be the worst witness protection person.

Matt:

You, Eric, I can say this, it wouldn't take this for you to have this dilemma. Oh, you'd you'd have a nice conversation with a bartender and be like, Hey man, you want to know something? Gary deserves to know. I can't keep lying.

Eric:

He's gotta know, man. He's gotta know.

Matt:

You would you would do very poorly in witness protection. Well, I gotta do that. By which I mean you would be killed. I gotta tell my cat's vet. By whatever cartel is after you.

Eric:

This woman saved my child's life. Gotta tell him a cat's vet.

Matt:

I get it. I get it. I get it, but yeah. So you're asking what how long you'd want to be dating a person before you.

Eric:

Well, I'm just trying to establish it. Like, I wanted to establish, like, okay, on average, people are together for about two and a half years before they pop the question. Right. The question for us is like, do we feel do a A, do we feel that like, is that enough time to if you're gonna break that rule, if you're gonna do the no-no, if you're gonna go off script.

Matt:

I mean, I might not be the best person to ask because I recognize that because in reality it was like nine years and change that that between we being together and me proposing. And I recognize that uh that that is a longer time than some people might wait. Uh there were all kinds of reasons, by the way, but uh, we won't get into that.

Eric:

Sure.

Matt:

Uh shut the hey, hey, are you coming for me? No, are you are you fucking the same team to me, Rex?

Eric:

You're on the same team, my guy. God sorry. I'm with you. We are in the drift. Don't chase the white rabbit.

Matt:

I'm sorry. I I just I went back to the to the checkout line for a minute.

Eric:

Okay. I'm sorry. Matt just I don't know who I became just now. Do me a favor, take take that item, put it in the bagging area. That and in it is baggage, you're right.

Matt:

So we will carry on, my wishes.

Eric:

Oh man, let's get let's make that a thing. 2026. Hold on. Sorry, I'm gonna need you to take that, put it in the bagging area. That's like just the the look, we'll process this later. I just need you to put that in the bagging area. To put that in the bagging area.

Matt:

Uh could have been could have been the uh the word of the year if we had thought of it.

Eric:

So let me let me put it to you. Let me let me let me let me ask you this.

Matt:

I would say two and a half years, not enough time for me to propose. Obviously, look at my track record.

Eric:

Can you be moved in with someone before telling them?

Matt:

Right? That's a tough one. That's a tough one. Because if you move in with them or they move in with you, they are now directly affected by your involvement. Yeah.

Eric:

Also, I mean a lot more people are moving in together before they get married. Like it would I'd I dare say most people are probably doing that now.

Matt:

Eric, I I I don't know if this is gonna remain in, but I just need to step outside of the bit for a hot second to say this is the first time in like four days that I've been like on camera or something, and I'm really getting a good look at my eyes, and you can fucking tell I've been looking at a waveform for 40 plus hours over the last four days.

Eric:

My boy looks haunted.

Matt:

I'm actively trying to make my eyes wide, and I look like Billy Joel's eyes right now. Like the I was just taken aback by how haggard my eyes, how hunted and haunted those are my yes, truly, my sunken uh a couple more wrinkles look like they've been added on. Anyway, can we can go back into the bit. I I and to the lit, if we keep this in, listeners, I apologize for talking about visual reference. But tired, boss.

Eric:

Everyone, just let's also just take it while we're still here, we're gonna put it in the bagging area, but first let's get the pit boss over here. Let's take a moment, give it up for Matt Shay. Just just please, please collapse in the chat. Because my boy, my boy has been running himself ragged and he showed up. You know what he did today? When he had to, you know, he's like, Okay, I gotta be funny for the next three hours or so, he showed the fuck up. Yeah, that's what he did. That's my boy. That's my fucking boy. That's what I got to do because I'm um fucking professional. But yeah, can't I I don't I don't think you can uh for me, this is this is this is Eric Poach talking, my personal line couldn't move in with someone if they didn't know.

Matt:

No, I don't think so.

Eric:

And and and that I feel like that's the fucked up paradox. Because once I know if I feel comfortable living with someone, then I would feel comfortable disclosing that identity. But I'd have to know that we're compatible living together in the first time. Because there's there's two levels of it. There's there's I'm willing to live with you, and then there's I enjoy living with you.

Matt:

And you don't and you don't want to be a month into that and think, oh, this isn't working. Because then if you break up with somebody and you've revealed it, you've got a big fucking problem, I think.

Eric:

And you and then you especially if it isn't amicable, might have to contact the Chicago City boys yourself and put out a hit on them. Maybe. Or to contact the mafia you are hiding from and say, fellas, look. I mean, I think I know you're not my biggest fan.

Matt:

I I you could do that, or need you to kill somebody. Perhaps start with calling the Marshalls, U.S. Marshall Service, and say, hey, my cover's been blown.

Eric:

Okay, Matt, that's my question for you. You're calling the Marshalls. How are you opening this conversation?

Matt:

Hey.

Eric:

Ah, fucked up, man. Come on.

Matt:

Jam it.

Eric:

Um, yeah, I don't. Uh a goofed.

Matt:

A goofed. Goofed. Poe buddy's nerfing. I mean, what are they gonna do? Be like, no, everyone gets one.

Eric:

Uh, yeah. Look, everybody gets one. No one identity only. Because they have to have contingencies for this thing. Like, I feel like this is probably like of all the paperwork and shit that they have to do for witness protection. I feel like this is probably the most common. Like, oh, you told someone.

Matt:

It's gotta be up there that between you or you know, because it has to be that like you've been in a store or something, and someone from your past uh uh arrives out of the balloon's like, oh my god, Matt, is that you? I haven't seen you since the fire in 72. And the you know, then you have to be like, fuck, I was made, you know? Yeah, because that's not your fault. That's not your fault. So like it has to they have to have procedures for getting you a second or third or fourth identity.

Eric:

Oh man.

Matt:

As the d as you know, as the demand requires.

Eric:

Yeah, they have like little burnt burner IDs. Got to be they'll throw you got gotta be. And that that uh there's just so many questions I have about witness protection. Like, because obviously they move you somewhere far away from wherever the fuck the thing happened. But like, do you get to pick, do you get options? Do you do like they do they spread it out like a timeshare portfolio in front of you?

Matt:

I do not think you get options. I think you are told who you are and where you live.

Eric:

You live in Matneuska now.

Matt:

This is the free social security number we could find and uh wrestle up for you. And now you're Gary Busey, spelled spelled with a C in the middle.

Eric:

Uh throw them off. Just to throw them off.

Matt:

If you are win in witness protection, uh, we'd love to have you on the show. Uh we'd love to have you on the show. We'll put on that spell. We'll put on that you know deep bass filter. We'll get y'all Oh, yeah, shadowy. Oh yeah. Yeah, well, we won't we won't restart video with with this podcast episode. So you you do you you do you guy or gal, whoever whoever you rat it on, anyone can be a snitch. Yeah, and we will protect you. We will we will protect you, but we do want to.

Eric:

Snitches do get stitches, but like, you know, you know which ones. Yes, you better, but not from you know which ones.

Matt:

We're no we're no ruffians. No.

Eric:

We're we're ne'er do wells at best. Best ne'er do wells. At most, tomfools at a bare minimum.

Matt:

Hardly a street tough. So, you know, what what what are we gonna do? We are about humble podcasters, yeah. Broadcasting your information to Didn't you hear me about the fucking disguise voice?

Eric:

The the Yeah, what the fuck is you doing? We're gonna cover you up. You're not gonna be able to get out of the way.

Matt:

No, I'm gonna be you, Eric. You're the one who just said we're gonna blow up their spot. No, I'm just saying we're gonna just gonna Yes, we are gonna put you out publicly, but we're gonna make sure you're protected.

Eric:

Yeah. For a second, I thought you were angry with the hypothetical guest who's a witness. I know, and that's what are you complaining about? No, I'm each other. We're putting with you. See us interviewing someone who's who's blacked out and muffled. They might they might just go, well, you know, we have no idea who that is, but why risk it and then kill us? Oh, we're willing to do that for your entertainment.

Matt:

We uh you know, and uh because content hard to come by, hard to come by these days. So we we yeah, we want you on the show. So yeah, we want to get out there and maybe get attacked by the mob. If you know someone who's been in witness protection, I'd love to know what that's like. Give me their name. How do you how'd that happen?

Eric:

How that is, if you know, if you or anyone you know know someone who knows someone who got their cover blown to witness protection, uh tell us how it happened.

Matt:

Because I assume they have a new identity, so you can disclose that. Tell us about how you ended up in a in a in a party city in Manitoba and saw your long-lost cousin.

Eric:

Oh my god, man.

Matt:

Who you thought died in some sort of tragic covered bridge automobile-related accident.

Eric:

True. Yep. Though statistically speaking, if that were to happen, the most likely place would be in Pennsylvania. Well, that'd be where the the the crime took place, but then the faked death.

Matt:

They would move them elsewhere. Oh, right, right, right.

Eric:

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Manitoba. Got it. I did say Manitoba. You did. I said Matanouska earlier. You did. Very, but like maybe, maybe like it's alphabetically, like, all right, you can go Manitoba, Matanouska, or Winnipeg. Winnipeg. That's it. That's where we have condos available. That's they do they draw it out of a hat? Like, that's what I mean. Like, do they tailor it to you, or do they just have like, here's what we got?

Matt:

Again, if you are a U.S. marshal, uh and yeah, we'd love to have you on the show. In many ways, we could have programmed that beforehand and and it being educating the audience in these matters. But no, instead, we are just in the thick of it with you.

Eric:

In the fucking thick of it. And furthermore, if you are a member of the Chicago City Boys Mafia, uh, give us a call. Let us know that if you exist. And if you do, come talk to us. Come talk to us. Or if you're just from Chicago and you want to make some shit up, take that. Now it's just any Chicagan. Any Chicagan. Do they like it when you call them that? They love it when you call them that. Chicagans. Chicagan. Um Chicagan, my toboggan. So I feel like we wrap that up nicely. Uh, the answer is it's complicated and probably before you move in with them.

Matt:

I think I think I think so, but also you I I think you have to be basically assured that you're not gonna break up. But yeah, at a certain point, if you're revealing your identity, you know you're you're putting your life on the line.

Eric:

So your life on the line for love. And honestly, I'm I'm just gonna tell you that right now. Romantic is happy. If hell, if if Alyssa did that for me, if Alyssa was like, hey, I'm I'm telling you, I'm a witness protection, I would be like, oh my god, she likes me so much. And I know when Alyssa listens to this episode, she'll she her first question after listening to this episode will be to approach me and tell and tell me, you tell me, right? And of course, of course, like, oh yes. And then I'd look to the camera and give a little wink. So you wouldn't tell her. No, I would.

Matt:

I don't know how to communicate that you winked at me other than to say it.

Eric:

I feel like that pregnant pause uh conveys it. Uh so yeah, there's that. Yes.

Matt:

Moving on. So so I guess I guess Eric's had enough of that question. I think we've mined that cave as as well as we're going to. So uh the next Melissa, I would tell you if I was in witness protection. The next chunk of no, it's too late. The next chunk of ore that we have to to go through here. How does one address the or address an elephant in the room?

Eric:

This is nice. This is kind of like a broader sequel to the previous question. A little bit, yeah. Because being witness protection, that's an elephant in the room.

Matt:

No, uh, but I think what the question is asking, Eric.

Eric:

Yeah. Is how does one address an elephant an elephant and literal elephant in a room. By whatever fucking title they wish. They can stomp you to death and turn you to jelly. I think again, they can just they can go drummer boy on you, little rupa bum bum, and you're dead.

Matt:

I could a s I think I have to assume the only way this works is you've walked into a room and there's several folks about, and none of them seem the least bit concerned about the giant head crushing animal that is yeah, that is taking up the vast majority of the room. Like, it has to be a Monty Python level of ignorance that they are showing this beast. Oh, you know what I mean? Uh yeah. To the point that you feel like you have to be like, um uh you guys see the elephant, right?

Eric:

Like, yeah, you have to bring it up. You you address something that I think is important here. When they're in their habitat, they are animals and they are beautiful creatures. But when they're in a room, they're beasts. Beasts. They're beasts. Because that's that's that's that's the fear and respect with which you have to treat them. Like, oh my god, beast. Uh, average size of a room, by the way. Average size of a room is around 11 feet by 11 feet, or 11 and a half by 11 and a half.

Matt:

That's what the AI overview tells you for your quick Google search of average room size.

Eric:

But I'm gonna, I'm you know what? I'm gonna I'm gonna cast off the yoke. I'm gonna, I'm gonna, let's see, average average room size of a house in America. I'm seeing between 10 by 10 and 11 by 11. Yeah, that's about 11 by 11. Make a wish. I feel like how you address the elephant, sorry, an elephant, uh, I'm assuming uncaged, untethered.

Matt:

Oh, yeah, no. It I think it's there. It maybe it could be sitting on a uh uh couch. I I I I'm I'm saying the elephant itself might not be threatening either. Like okay, the the elephant it could be aloof, it could be docile. Yeah, it we'll say in a neutral mood. It could it could be one of those situations where it's just like eating uh, you know, a bale of of whatever they want to, uh hay or whatever it is that they eat, uh you know, pulling like in the corner, and again, everyone's working or everyone's just uh just going about their business, and so is the elephant.

Eric:

And no one is concerned.

Matt:

Yeah, it's not rampaging and it it's a neutral room. You haven't walked into like the the ringling brothers' offices.

Eric:

No, no, no. This is like this is paint this this this room's gotten the landlord special, everything's painted beige or gray. You know, we got some food we got some food. Even the outlets, a sofa, even the outlets. We got a T we'll say there's a there's a there's a TV, a desk. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And the elephant's just there, and no one, and we'll we'll we'll say, yeah, everyone's everyone's just meling about. How do you address the an elephant in the room? Hey. Hey, US Marshals. Hey. Hey guys, I got a new one for you. Nope, didn't blow my identity. Uh got a bit of an elephant in the room. Literally.

Matt:

No, I think you do uh obviously if okay, so we go Oh, I know.

Eric:

Sorry, well, I do say I know how I'd open that phone call if I was calling the U.S. Marshals, if I had to get those involved. Yeah. I would say, hey, you guys remember Operation Dumbo Drop? I kind of need the opposite of that. I need you to pull, uh, I need you to pull an O. I need a pickup. I need, yeah, I need Operation Dumbo, Dumb Go Home. Dumb go home. Very good, Eric.

Matt:

Thank you. Very good, very clever. Um the I I think because okay, the the easy, obvious thing is to say immediately some sort of like, oh my god, like uh, you know, some sort of what I gotta stop drinking. That's the obvious choice. Obvious. But you don't want to be socially awkward because what if you say that and somebody's like, whoa. Um, first of all, his name is Mr. Truncolunkus.

Eric:

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Recognize his personhood.

Matt:

You know, so first of all, fuck you. Second of all, he works here, okay? He's yeah, he's in a quality. He's my employee.

Eric:

He he doesn't report to you.

Matt:

He's my direct report. He's yeah, I will take care of him. I will you will you will put your questions for Mr. Truncolunkagus through through me.

Eric:

Through me. And hey, just go ahead and do me a favor. Any emails to him now, CC me on those. CC me on those. Please and thank you. Um, do you know what I so for me addressing it mean like I need to get I need to know first that I'm not losing my fucking mind. Yeah. So what I will do is I will need to see evidence that the other people in the room at least acknowledge that the elephant is there. So what I will do is I will sort of force the issue. I will take, like, I will take, like, say, a beloved ball of one of the people in the room, and I will go and I will hand it to the elephant. The elephant will start, like, you know, and then I'll go over to that person and I'll just point to the ball and say, Hey, can you go get that for me? Oh, interesting. I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm just gonna increase, like, hey, could you go over there and uh I'll I'll I'll I'll throw a clipboard on the ground under underneath the elephant under his elephant. I'm like, hey, can you uh can you go get that for me? Quit yeah. I I I think and then question everything if they like if they're like just going around the L and I'm like, hey, so tell me what you what were you thinking there? I'm gonna start covering them in peanut. I'm gonna start throwing little peanuts and elephant snacks at people so the elephant starts eating them and it's like for like I will I I I will force them to acknowledge my direct report. Oh, now the elephant works for you. For us. For us, for us, it's our elephant? This is Yadath Limited offices. Oh, I didn't realize it was in our office. Well, no, sorry, none of the people in the room know this, but yeah, that's that's our direct report. But how do they address it?

Matt:

But so now we aren't even addressing the elephant. We've you've you've skirted the question by making it lore.

Eric:

No, okay, well, well, here. In the lore as well, we hired the elephant and then we um then we uh eternal sunshined ourselves.

Matt:

I see.

Eric:

Forgetting that we hired the elephant and then we came into work the next day, and we're just like, uh maybe that's the first words. I walk in the door in my businessman suit and uh yeah.

Matt:

I mean, I also can perfectly believe that you could get away with like, I just gotta do a quick hallucinogen check.

Eric:

Anyone else see that elephant?

Matt:

Uh did I put DMT in my coffee? Uh just a quick sanity check. Is there an elephant in this room? I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Eric:

Excuse me.

Matt:

I hate to be that guy first thing in the morning. But like, is that an elephant? Because I'm pretty sure the the employee handbook says if it's not a service animal.

Eric:

There's nothing in the employee handbook that says an elephant can't be HR. If it's not a service animal, it really shouldn't be in the workplace. There's nothing in the workbook that says an elephant can't be a salaried employee. That's right.

Matt:

Um so are we any closer to providing a practical answer for addressing a pack of derm?

Eric:

Uh practical answer, if if in this scenario where everyone else is ignoring the elephant, my answer is force the issue. Make put them in increasingly like until someone eventually has to, in some way, physically, tacitly, metaphysically, address that there is an elephant in the room and then go from there. I'm like, okay, now that we're operating from the same playbook, what are we gonna do about this?

Matt:

And you're gonna do that by giving someone's stress ball to the elephant.

Eric:

Yes. I'm going to, I'm I'm I'm I'll move someone's desk under the elephant. I'll give the desk to the elephant. I'll give them their locker, I'll give them their fucking car. I don't care. I'll take their car keys, toss them to the elephant. I'm like, okay, do you see a problem here? Could you describe it to me? That's that's what that's what.

Matt:

Okay, and if they meet you with like, yeah, you just gave my Mercedes keys to the elephant.

Eric:

Oh, ooh, and then I'll start, I'll just start smacking them on the head.

Matt:

I'm like, oh, made you do it, made you acknowledge the thing. And then what but okay, but what I'm saying is what if they react with uh what do what? What what are you talking about?

Eric:

I'm gonna I'm gonna stuff their shirt full of peanuts. I'm gonna stuff I'm just gonna start shut stuffing peanuts down their shirt.

Matt:

And they're gonna be like, stop it, stop Mr. Truncolunka, because this is gonna come after me. And we'll be like, who? I'll be like, who? Who? Yeah, and then everyone's turning around, everyone's being like, Mr. Truncolunke, the f Eric, the fucking elephant. Like, what are you talking about? You brought him here, he's your employee.

Eric:

I don't know that. I have a receipt. I have a receipt from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind uh.org. Depending on the But I don't I have a case number with them, but I don't I I don't see what that has to do with this. So you just want to be a problem then. I'm if there's if I if there's an elephant in the room and no one's addressing it, I'm gonna make sure I because I love elephants, I'm gonna make sure that elephant is the least of anybody's worries. The least? Yeah, I'm gonna be a problem. You're gonna you're gonna kill the elephant?

Matt:

No. Eric, they're an endangered species. No, I love the elephant. No, I'm gonna be such a problem that's right now it sounds like you won't even let one do its job.

Eric:

Is the elephant working? Is the elephant like acting is the elephant is the elephant doing billable hours? I really feel like that's all this comes up.

Matt:

Oh, you think the uh you think an elephant forgot to log its time? Is that what you're trying to say? I forgot to do its time card? I got news for you. The bitches never forget.

Eric:

Okay. So I'm assuming I'm gonna I'm gonna be generous. I'm gonna work from the assumption that this elephant, like all elephants, is a consummate professional. Is above board, Eric. Yes. Above board. Above so if the elephant is above board, and the elephant isn't doing anything weird.

Matt:

And let's just say this the whole time the elephant's been facing the other way, turns around, and what do you know? Got a tie on. Got a tie.

Eric:

Little glasses. Little glasses. Little little glasses on it on the side.

Matt:

And it reaches up, reaches up with its trunk, removes the glasses, but not before pushing them up its face with and says, where do you get off? It's 9 30 a.m., Mr. Poach. Don't make me take this to HR. And then they and then slide it all the way up the trunk.

Eric:

Per my last email. Stupid. So fucking. Oh man. Do you think it's a problem around Christmas when we have the secret Santa? Everyone's like, well, what if we do a white? Ooh. Ooh. A what? A white what? A white what? What white? A white what, Derek? A white what? Uh I was I was gonna say, uh There's no such thing as a white elephant, by the way. No such thing. Just so you know. No such elephant. Just so you know. So they took that from us too.

Matt:

They took that from us too. It wasn't enough for you to take out my goddamn tusks.

Eric:

You know what? I think more and more the more I think about this. Tell me. The question, the question is flawed. Shouldn't be how are we addressing the elephant in the room. It's how is the elephant gonna address us? Because we're the problem. Because we're the fucking problem.

Matt:

I think in general, any room you are in with an elephant, the problem is you.

Eric:

Yeah, because like an elephant's got an elephant. Yeah. I mean, I I had there are if I'm entering a room with an elephant, sans some very convenient uh uh happenstances. I made a series of choices that got me there. That led you to this room. I had so many options to not be in a room with an elephant, and now I am. I'm in the elephant's room. You're in the elephant's room. I'm in the elephant's room. This is the elephant's room. It's an elephant's world. That's probably why I eternal sunshined myself. That way I would forget that I was the elephant's boss, get rid of that's how you eliminate the power imbalance. So I think that's the only way you can fix the inherent power imbalance in employee employer relationships is to eternal sunshine the employer. So that way the employee is like, oh, I know that's my boss, but he doesn't know it's my boss, he's my boss. So I can talk to him like he's not my boss. Yeah. I think I just solved it.

Matt:

I think you did, but a little bit of a wrench. What if we take it the other direction? And now it's not that you're addressing that there is an elephant in the room. It is literally how do you address the elephant? How do you salute it? What is its salutation? And I think in in that respect, maybe you do want to come in with some sort of bribe. You do you do have a walk.

Eric:

Like a cantaloupe? Yes, precisely like a big old. Well, because everybody wins in that situation. The elephant gets a cantaloupe. I get to see an elephant eating a cantaloupe, which which fires up more serotonin receptors in my brain than than really. You know what to do with. Yeah, most things. So yeah, I I I think addressing them with a cantaloupe is a good, it's a good opener. It's like the big it's like the exchanging of business cards in in Japanese work culture. Here's here's a cantaloupe. Oh, you're giving me a little pat on the head. Nice, nice. Oh, gonna spray me a little bit. That's fun. Loving every bit of this. Um, and then and then from there it's just I feel like it's just trunk pets and oh you go boo. Ooh, yo, you go. You want more cantaloupe?

Matt:

Yeah, you better have a couple spare.

Eric:

You're gonna want some backups.

Matt:

Because I think once you give the first one, actually, the more that I say it, the f once you give an if you give an antelope, if you give an antelope an elephant. If you give an antelope an elephant, it's gonna take uh uh, you know, a bull. If you give an elephant a cantaloupe, it's gonna want several more.

Eric:

That sounds like an Eastern European like like idiom translated poorly into English. Yes. The rabbit runs left for a reason. If you give an elephant a cantaloupe, it's gonna want more.

Matt:

It's going to want more. More. Oh, it is insatiable for this melon.

Eric:

So give elephants cantaloupe. Give an elephant a cantaloupe. Give a dog his day, give an elephant his cantaloupe.

Matt:

And if it's a working elephant, give it the respect it deserves that you would expect of any other fellow employee.

Eric:

You know that's uh Romeo and Juliet's favorite fruit. What's that, Eric? Cantaloupe. Cantaloupe. Very good. Very good, Eric. Not mine, that's Alyssa's. Crediting her now. Cantaloupe.

Matt:

Very good, Eric. Yeah. Very good, Alyssa. Very good, Eric. Very good. And what a place to round out the question portion of the show, I feel. Woo! Which brings us, Matt. Yes, to to the get to to you the closing segment, which you tell me is a quote unquote fun game. Fun game.

Eric:

We're gonna have fun. We're gonna have a fun time.

Matt:

I'm ready to have fun in the content that you have have prepared.

Eric:

If you recall from our bingo sode, one of my goals for 2026. Yes. Oh, sorry, that's the Burger King coming back for revenge. Burger King. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Burger King? Burger King, I know. I had some Burger King.

Matt:

For like exchange, or are you like just as like an ironic choice? Or are you authentically a patron of the Burger King?

Eric:

Pat Pat was out and was like, hey, I'm grabbing BK. You want anything? I was like, yeah, I'll take a while from Burger King. What year is it that you're going to Burger King? 2026. The same year that I'm getting you into Dungeons and Dragons. That's what you said. Now, if you recall, I've played a fun game with you on this before where I read you off spells. Yes. And you had to tell me which ones were real DD spells and which ones were fake. I made up. I've got a new one for you. Okay. I'm calling this one Dragons and Dragons. Oh I'm going to read you off names, and you're going to tell me if this is the name of a dragon from the Dungeons and Dragons setting, or if it's the name of a drug that I've been advertised on TV.

Matt:

Oh, okay. Interesting. I didn't know what kind of drugs you were going to go with. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. All right. So it's drugs or dragons. Drugs or dragons. I mean, I feel good. I feel kind of good about this. I mean, I watch TV as well.

Eric:

You watch TV, yeah.

Matt:

I've been I've been marketed to by the pharmaceutical industry my whole life, also. Yep.

Eric:

Uh, I think you're gonna have a I think we're gonna have a lot of fun with this. I hope so. Let's get into it.

Matt:

Let's get started. I'm ready. All right. Antassilix. Dragon, I'm gonna say. That is a dragon. Correct. How many of these you got, by the way? Twenty. Twenty, okay. One for every side, baby. For sure. Oh, interesting. Good to know. Good to know. Rinvoc. I'm gonna say dragon, also. That is a drug. Oh, what's it for? Oh man. Oh, you did not prepare what the drugs are for. Hold on. But I bet you could tell me about each and every one of them dragons, huh?

Eric:

I there are a fuck ton of dragons, named dragons. It is a used to treat inflammatory conditions like rheumatoid arthritis, pros pr psoratic arthritis, ulcerative colitis, Crohn's disease, atopic dermatitis, ankylyzing spend sponditis, giant cell erythritis, and juvenile idiopathic arthritis.

Matt:

Oh, multi-purpose.

Eric:

Yeah. Chailen. Dragon. Gotta be. That's a dragon. That's a motherfucking dragon. Amnimus.

Matt:

Amnimis. I am going to say dragon again. That is a dragon. Alright. Okay. Alright. Humeira. Humira. I'm I could go either way on this. I'm gonna say drug. I'm gonna say drug, Humira.

Eric:

Matthew? You are correct. Humira is a drug. Uh it's a prescription tumor necrosis factor blocker. What? Tumor necrosis? Tumor necrosis factor blocker. So I think it sounds like it stops tumors from spreading. Oh, okay. Very useful. Next up is Rexalti. Drug. That is a drug. That's one of the more one of the more popular ones. I can't remember what that one's for.

Matt:

I was gonna say I feel like I have seen a commercial or two. Celpaticus. Well, it certainly sounds like it'd be a dragon. Uh I'm trying to think if I could see that as a drug name for anything. I'm gonna go with dragon.

Eric:

It is a dragon. Nice. You're knocking out of the park so far, my guess. Right. Zelljans.

Matt:

That's another one. That's another one that's right on the line for me that I will say is a drug. That is a drug. Alright.

Eric:

You're fucking cooking.

Matt:

I've missed one, right? You've missed one so far. And how many uh what are we up to? Seven, six, something like that? Yeah, we're on number nine now. Oh, okay. Uh, which is Chandrell. Chandrell. Just sounds like a guy. Uh Chandrel. Oh, it's yeah, it's my buddy Chandrell. I'm gonna say that that is a dragon. That is a dragon. Okay, so we're nine down. I'm eight and one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, all right. Matthew Saraxis. Saraxis. I if it was an option to say you made it up, I'd think you'd make it up. But I'm gonna say that is ooh, this is this is the first in a few that I have felt very unsure about. I'm going to say dragon.

Eric:

Dragon. Correct. Why am I so good at you're so because like me, you are subjected to pharmaceutical commercials more than most people on the goddamn plane. You know, we the vast majority of commercials that were aired in the United States last year.

Matt:

Sure.

Eric:

Were all pharmaceuticals?

Matt:

Yeah, but you haven't, it's not like you're out here pulling out, you know, uh Jardiance or one of the ones that's all over the place these days.

Eric:

No, no. Yeah, these are these are pretty uh pretty.

Matt:

Which brings us Lyrica. Lyrica, I think, is a drug. It is a drug. I was gonna say, I think I've legitimately heard of Lyrica. Heath Cypress of Verville. Try it again. Heath Cypresserville. I'm gonna guess I'm gonna guess drug simply because you don't know how to say it.

Eric:

That is a dragon. It looks like the scientific name for one of these drugs. It does. It really does. Okay, so that's a dragon. Maybe the second one you've missed. Eloquist. Drug. Drug. Okay. Celebrex. Celebrex, obviously, is uh is a drug. Shantinks. Uh dragon?

Matt:

Drug. Drug. Okay, I got three misses now. Gastanius. Dragon. That is a dragon. Hear me roar, baby. I'm back. Marathrax. Marathrax. Dragon. That is a dragon. Alright. I'll Sky Skyrizzy. Sky Rizzy? Uh Skyrizzy would be would be a very commonly advertised drug.

Eric:

I just one of my favorite fucking names of everybody.

Matt:

I probably hear the fucking Ask your doctor, Sky Rizzy. Sky is right for you. I probably hear it once a day. Although if if I was someone who didn't watch TV, Sky Rizzy would be, would be, it does sound like somebody made up that name for a dragon. What up, mortals? It's your dragon, it's your boy. Sky Rizzy. It does sound like someone's screaming name. Uh we have Zoler. Dragon. Drug. I thought it might be. I second guessed it. And then our final Malazan.

Eric:

Gotta be a dragon, Malazan. That's a dragon. Yeah. Malazan is the most dragon fucking name I've ever heard in my life. That's what I'm saying. I felt threatened. Matt, you got 16 out of 20. That's pretty good. That's pretty goddamn good. And also, I my anytime you need uh DMs of the World Unite, I think I've mentioned this before. Anytime you need a name for a dragon in your campaign, just turn on the TV, wait for a drug commercial. You've got a name.

Matt:

So what did what did this tell you, Eric, in in in terms of me and D D and your your your efforts to bring me into the fold? What it tell what what what were you hoping to gain and what did you gain?

Eric:

It tells me that you know much, warrior. Oh. You know a dragon when you see one. And you know a poison when it comes near your lip. Okay. Alright. It's telling me you might have the makings, Matt. And and Matt, I I I don't want to ever prescribe anything to you.

Matt:

Oh.

Eric:

But what it tells me, Matt, is you've got to you're knowledgeable of poisons and medicines. You're you know a dragon's name when you hear one. This is giving me paladin vibes. Oh, interesting. I think you would I think you would make I think I think you, like Joey, are a paladin in real life. I think you're a paladin. But maybe that's what you want to play in DD. Maybe you want to do something else.

Matt:

I don't, I don't necessarily know enough to to if I have an opinion about being a paladin or being something else.

Eric:

Well, good news because that's what we're gonna talk about on Oat today. Oh I am of course referring to oops, all tangents, which we're gonna record immediately after this fucking recording.

Matt:

Now, Eric, how would they, how would these listeners of ours be able to access oops altangents?

Eric:

Oh, easy, easy, easy, easy. Um, first of all, you're gonna look uh first of off first of all, first of all, you're gonna look us up on patreons.com slash you didn't ask for this. That's right. And then you're gonna go ahead and look at those tiers. Now you're gonna see the one dollar tier. Now let let me be blunt. The one dollar tier is a hell of a bargain. For one dollar a month, you get access to our Discord. Talk to us, talk to us. We have an orgy dome, tell us what you're bringing.

Matt:

Um, the chat and no, you don't get any more information on what the orgy dome is. That is that is a Patreon benefit.

Eric:

You you wanna you wanna you wanna be doity, you you gotta, you gotta give me that stinky smelly cash. You wanna know, you gotta you you get to you literally get to buy your invitation. But for those of you who want to hear about Matt's DD journey, we must we must walk past that good that good good deal. I know you're leaving a great deal on the table, but don't worry, there's a better one a coming.

Matt:

It also gets you a discount on the uh the old oh no, it doesn't, everyone. No, it doesn't. Never question me again.

Eric:

Um for four dollars a month. There it is. For what I can say now, confidently, significantly less than a cup of coffee, judging off of the prices I've been paying lately. Absolutely. For $4 a month, you get access to the Discord, you get access to our monthly bonus content, which we lovingly refer to as oops all tangents. All tangents. And you get one, they get one all out oops for free. Yeah, per episode. After that, it's just it's yeah. And you get 20% off of all your daft merchandise in the merch store.

Matt:

Come the fuck off. And the website is you didn't ask for this.com. It is still under construction as of this recording. Now that I hopefully have a little bit of time back after the holidays, I will I'll be trying to get on the renovation there. And with that, may, may just come some new merch. You never know. Eventually there will be new merch, is what I'm saying. Now, uh that I think will be about it, except uh don't you want to send us some questions?

Eric:

Yeah, don't you?

Matt:

I think you do. We actually would really like you to. The queue is starting to get a little light. We'd really like that. We would love to stock it up just a little bit more. And, you know, they can't all come from the Discord. Uh, you know, we love our our Patreon supporters and they love giving us questions via the Discord. But send it the old-fashioned way. You didn't ask for this at gmail.com all spelled out. Call the thought line. We'll put you on the show. It's 410-929-5329. Or just reach out on the old socials with a with a DM, preferably on Instagram. That's our main uh thing these days. But you know, we're we're everywhere else as well. But you know, email, do that, or you could join the Discord and submit it to us through the Discord, and we you'll get a reaction out of us right away. We're there. We react. We're there.

Eric:

We're in it. We're in the trenches. We're chatting. I am I am I am I have my finger on the trigger of so many prayer hand emojis you don't even know. They're waiting.

Matt:

Waiting for you. Waiting for you. And listen, that'll be that'll be about it. That'll about do it. That'll about do it. For this episode, you didn't ask for this. My name is Matt Shea. My name is Eric Poach. And listen, you didn't ask.

Eric:

But why should Zolaire recognize the sovereignty of Sky Rizzy?

Matt:

Sky Sky Rizzy is has proven to be quite profitable, my lord. Uh Sky Rizzy.

Eric:

Why do we not instead bargain with eloquists? No, uh well or perhaps Kilbacticists. Who is Kilbacticus and what does that treat? Our greatest foe, and therefore our nearest ally?

Matt:

Well, I really, really, again, Lord is really for black psoriasis or psorias arthritis or Crohn's disease of psoriaclitis. Uh so I I don't know that the two are comparable. Uh I don't know that we're talking about apples to apples at this juncture, my lord.

Eric:

Oh, I really should have consulted with my physician before I started taking sky racing.

Matt:

Yes, you are always should you always should consult your physician. I've told you that countless times. Curses and rat. This is how you end up with able leakage.