130 | I Don't Feel Like a Holly Jolly Boy

The Christmas episode is here! Matt and Eric have to contend with a curse plaguing the episode when they get a little too close to the truth about the location of Santa's workshop. Then: a very special JINGLE GRIPES!

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Transcript

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Eric 0:01

Matt, it's that time of year.

Matt 0:06

I already know about Creedmas.

Eric 0:08

Oh, bro. Creedmus on December 29th at Maryland Live? God damn, everyone should get tickets. I definitely have some. Yes. You should all buy some and see me there.

Matt 0:19

Absolutely freaking lutely. You don't really have tickets, right? No. God.

Eric 0:26

I literally never dude.

Matt 0:28

I don't know with you.

Eric 0:29

No, Matt, I'm talking about the other time of year. Honda days. No, the other time of year. I'm out of ideas. Matt, I'm talking, of course, of the time of year when packages get stolen off my front porch. Oh, really? That's in the new house? In the new house. That's still an issue, though. Still an issue, which is surprising because my house, Matt, is well fortified. Like we have a gi we our house doesn't sit on street level. Our house sits about eight feet above street level and is surrounded by a giant stone fucking wall. Oh. So like it's and it's like you're highly visible when you're in our front yard. Like you're you can be it's like all downsides for package thieves. You go up there, everyone can see you, the cars, the stoplight can see you, you can be seen from and they stole a package. They stole uh uh I I hope that whoever took my girlfriend's uh face moisturizer and other hydration products, may your lips always be chapped. Uh may your skin always be flaky. Uh I'm I'm very glad they didn't manage to steal my cat's medicated food. Oh, thank God. Yeah. But we were we were kicking around, we were talking about like, man, maybe we need to put like a sign out there. Something something funny and humorous, but that'll also repel package thieves. Uh Alyssa was toying around with the idea of putting a sign that says, if you steal our packages, I will curse you. Okay.

Matt 2:10

Which which I which which will have, and I I just want to make sure you understand this. No effect.

Eric 2:17

No, no, no practical effect on vis-a-vis prevention of theft of packages. She did rightly point out, and this may be true.

Matt 2:24

I'm just gonna assume no security system of any kind.

Eric 2:27

No, no, no doorbell camera, no that's that's my next. Well, I wanted to get ring, but now ring is gonna have start like requiring everyone's fucking personal information and shit.

Matt 2:37

Well, ring also sends shit to uh the police departments, so don't I wouldn't recommend ring. Fuck ring. But we could do with a camera. I am a big fan of Simply Safe myself. Could be a sponsor, could be Simply Safe.

Eric 2:50

Could be a sponsor Simply Safe. This is where we could hawk your wares.

Matt 2:53

This is where we could hawk your wares. But I could be so good. I am indeed a big fan of uh the Simply Safe. Uh, I can give you recommendations offline. But back to the bits.

Eric 3:04

But but the the point I'll give to curses, I will say this. It would be effective for if they see that sign and then steal something. Uh for weeks afterwards, everything that goes wrong in their life, they might start thinking, oh shit, maybe I have been cursed. It gets inside their head a little bit and might it might prevent future recurrence, but it doesn't. Because if someone's a piece of shit enough to steal packages off a front part porch, they're not they don't strike me as someone who gives a shit about curses. Have you considered the somewhat classic uh smile you're on camera?

Matt 3:42

No, I was gonna say uh false package that is in fact a glitter bomb.

Eric 3:47

Oh, I have seen those the dude who does the glitter bomb slash stink bomb slash noise.

Matt 3:53

A stink bomb is always a good option. Yeah, it's a lot of effort, but but like that's well, I think it depends how bitter you've become. Yeah, yeah. Is the juice worth the squeeze?

Eric 4:06

I I I want like I I find myself just circling back to the thought. Like, is there a sign? What could I put on a fucking sign that that would meaningfully impact it? Not not not erase the possibility of a package theft that's always there. It's that it's the ever-present threats, the mountain lion of the Christmas season. But what sign, what could what words could I write to another human being?

Matt 4:36

Well, you could invoke Jesus. You could put a sad Jesus like looking down at the porch that says like weeping. I might not see you, but Jesus did. But but Jazzy's Christie, he is he sees all up in your shit. You could say that. Or you could make it replace Jesus with another figure, like Dolly Pardon. Ooh, don't want to disappoint Dolly, do you?

Eric 5:01

I didn't see it.

Matt 5:02

But Dolly did.

Eric 5:03

Dolly did.

Matt 5:04

WW Uh D D P D. Absolutely. Well done, you. You could just write that and they'll just be confused. Yep. And unsure what to do, how to proceed. What about a trapdoor? Ooh, love a trapdoor. False bottom to the stoop. Put spikes under there. Problem solve. Yeah. Problem solve a classic pit. I mean, you may kill the UPS guy, but you know classic pit. You know, in this economy, you gotta be on your toes, UPS guy. In this economy. What about a riddle?

Eric 5:41

Ooh. So like they can win the package?

Matt 5:44

Yes. Yes. Gamify theft. Gamify the theft. If you want this package, you can earn it justly by answering these questions three. And the sign just like rolls down.

Eric 6:02

Like they unfurl a s a scroll and and your prize is 24 cans of medicated cat food. The twelfth day of medicated cat food, etc., etc. Somebody steals my cat's food, I'm gonna fucking lose it. Well, that's not very Christmassy. If somebody steals my cat food, I'm gonna dress up like a ghost, sneak into their house three separate times, and fucking lose it.

Matt 6:34

There we go. There we go. Merry Christmas, everyone. Now we're getting somewhere. Well, hello, everybody, and welcome to You Didn't Ask for This. It is the podcast that answers life's least pressing questions, and my name is Matthew Shea. And my name is Eric Poho Hoach.

Eric 7:08

Eric, how are you? Oh man, my bells be jingling. My my my are your holy's jolly. Oh, my hollies are jollied. My halls, son, are fucking dick.

Matt 7:23

Woohoo, you dirty girl. Trees up. Trees up, isn't it always? I got two trees this year. Yeah, you do. Yes. Timmy two trees over here. Timmy two trees. I got the fake tree that we got on a discount last year for the front room, and then we got the real tree upstairs. Talk to me about the what's the height on that tree? I can't tell you because I didn't acquire it yet, Eric. You've broken the facade. Ah you've broken the facade. Completely undone you. I am getting it. What is arguably the most reasonable question? All you had to do was not ask a follow-up question.

Eric 8:02

I'm gonna tell you about my tree. Please do not ask me about my tree.

Matt 8:07

Uh, but we'll we'll see, uh, we'll see how it happens when that actually takes place. I was trying to put myself in the mindset of when this episode comes out, which is like two and a half weeks from now. But yeah, so that's the plan. But here we are. Christmas imminent. Imminent. Approaching. It is very close. And so we have a once again a Christmas heavy episode. Very Christmas forward. Christmas forward. We've got a couple of questions here about a good old Saint Nick. And then, as we alluded to back in October, we have a Christmas themed Google gripes for everybody. Jingle gripes. Jingle gripes. Uh, it it is truly, we almost can't call it Google Gripes for a reason we will get into when we get to the segment. But uh the bones are there, kids.

Eric 9:04

The bones are fucking there.

Matt 9:05

The bones are there. As as you may recall, Eric swept me in the Halloween um movie department, absolutely embarrassed me.

Eric 9:15

And and Matt swore to come back at me with a vengeance.

Matt 9:19

I'm gonna try, Eric. I'm I am gonna try. You can't come at me so fucking hard. I am I'm gonna give it my darndest.

Eric 9:27

But what bro gonna hurt me so bad, he's gonna have to get visited by ghosts.

Matt 9:32

You are, but the thing is, you're too smart, you're too good. Um, but uh we'll see. Who can say? Who can say? First, when precisely does Santa begin his route around the world, that is. Yeah. So this, okay, first of all, Santa is real. Santa's real, and before we go any further, Eric, I am pulling up NORAD right now to see if they have any statistics. Good man. Of past uh of past trips.

Eric 10:04

We could very well get into the physics of this, because I don't want this to balloon into the larger conversation of how is it possible to fuck you. Magic. Christmas magic, Christmas goddamn fucking magic. Absolutely. Sit down and eat your magic. So, really, this is a question of when for me, for me, when symbolically is the best time for Sam. Like, what is the bet like the dude is is taking on Herculean doesn't even begin to describe the task.

Matt 10:40

Yeah. I'm looking at last year, I think it's last year's map on No Rad, where he delivered uh eight billion one hundred and eighty-six, six hundred and seventy-one thousand one hundred and seven gifts, but I I don't see a starting place or time, unfortunately.

Eric 11:02

I guess for I guess it's actually good for us because that's well here here's the most amount of science I'm willing to throw at this. Oh, okay. That is the closest population. Oh, thank God no rad has a wiki. Let's see, list of northernmost settlements, population zero, population zero, population zero, sixty-five. Here we go. Alert, Ellesmere Island, Nunavut. Oh, none of it. So this would mean that that alert on Ellesmere Island in Nunavut, Canada, the northernmost place with a continuous year-round population. This is brought to you by Wikipedia. Donate today, but no permanent residence. It's a military and research station. Okay, so that's out actually.

Matt 11:46

Well, uh according to the NORAD fandom wiki, yeah, what route does Santa usually travel? He usually starts at the international dateline in the Pacific Ocean and travels west. But that's not really true because he obviously starts at his workshop. Yeah, he he starts when he leaves the North Pole. And that actually ties into our second question, Eric, uh, today, which is where precisely is Santa's workshop located? Now we know it's the North Pole.

Eric 12:23

We know it's the North Pole, but I do have Yeah, that's not enough, and I have thoughts on that. Okay. No, he starts when he leaves the North Pole. The North Pole is an all is like kind of an all-encompassing turn for me. The North Pole is his base of operations, it is where he lives, it is where his sleigh is kept, and it is where the first like cache of of toys are laid down. My going theory is that the North Pole is actually a network spread across the planet, of which the literal North Pole is sort of like the situation room. It's the oh, it's it's it's where like, and it is obviously underground. It is it is subterranean. That is this is like where where all intelligence is gathered and collated for the coming year. Um, that's why it's in the North Pole. Because, like, dude, in today's modern age, nine billion people on the planet, Santa's probably got like actual databases set up, like tracking people. Yeah. And you you have a database that's a good idea.

Matt 13:27

We know he tr we know he tracks people, on uh at least on goodness and naughtiness. Yeah. I'm pulling up Google Earth right now to see if that will help us.

Eric 13:38

And I'm slightly offended that people think that the only thing Santa needs to track is goodness and naughtiness. That I think he knows innately, being by his nature magical. No, but I think for more practical reasons, especially since uh in our very commercial lifestyles that we now live, bro. Are you tracking who got what gifts already? Billy wanted Billy wanted a new BMX. Billy's BMX is Billy's dumb. He forgot that he already has a six sweet BMX bike. Like, you got to make sure you're not doubling up gifts, tracking where people have moved. Like, Santa's probably got a legion of little engineer elves working under him, like data engineers who are watching trends. Like to a certain point, you know, if their models are sophisticated enough, they can probably predict with a reasonable amount of accuracy what someone's gonna ask for on any given year. Helps help start get things in motion. And that's why I think this like like the North Pole where he leaves from, I think it's a central data center, not so much uh literal, they're building because we know they don't literally build the things unless they're building the the Nintendo Switch box along with a fully functioning Nintendo Switch.

Matt 14:58

Now, Eric, Eric, I I I I think I have some issue with the fact that you're saying that the elves, whose sole purpose is to make toys, are not actually making them. They're at least, at the very least, conjuring them.

Eric 15:11

Yeah, that's what I mean. Like, uh, but I don't think they need for for logistical purposes, I don't think they need to conjure them all at the North Pole. I think they have there's way stations all across the planet where they're like, all right, Santa, you're gonna start here, you're gonna start moving this way, you're gonna drop off this counter. So this way, Santa doesn't have to like Santa has to refill toys. He doesn't have to like go back to the North Pole every time. You can just pick up a new cache.

Matt 15:35

Yeah. Also, I am discovering that the actual North Pole. But that said, Santa's magical, he just has a magic bag. Yeah, I agree with you there.

Eric 15:44

Which, if he's got a magic bag that can hold all the toys in the world, that kind of precludes the necessity. I feel like, like, like if you got magic that can that can hold all the toys for planet Earth, then surely you have magic that doesn't require the existence of elves, unless the elves are summoned by Santa's magic to do his bidding.

Matt 16:02

That could be. Now, what is, however, Eric, uh uh bit disturbing to me, I have just, and it is true, I'm gonna say, just discovered that the true North Pole is in the middle of the fucking ocean. Um, and that's a real Oh, Aqua Base. That is that could really tell us something because it would be easy to go over to now what where did you say the the northernmost habitable city to the North Pole was? Because to me, it's looking like Greenland.

Eric 16:33

I'm looking for actual populated year-round areas. So frig fjord settlements in in Greenland, population of zero. It's a group of archaeological sites. Let's see, zero, zero, zero, five. Oh, Nord, okay, military and scientific base. So that's not like really year-round border facility. I wanna I'm I'm trying to find something that's not a station of some either I've lost you or you've lost me. No, population zero, population zero. What the fuck happened? Okay, okay, here we go. It's in Norway. In Nyaslund, Svalbard, Norway. Uh of course, not to leave them off, uh Longyabiatin, Svalbard, also Norway, population of 2400. So I think our dude's starting in Norway. Oh no. Oh, Matt, where did you go?

Matt 17:32

This episode is cursed, I'm starting to think. I'm thinking you cursed it by bringing in Alyssa and the sign and the cursing. I think that's I think you did this. Okay? Either that or Google Earth did. But we we uh that I can't, I don't think that it's ever happened that we've gotten kicked off a call.

Eric 17:51

No, yeah, folks, I was in the middle of laying down some fucking truth about population density in in the northern hemisphere, and we got cut off. Fucking cut off. My boy got booted out, and I was in here alone talking to myself.

Matt 18:05

And just just to fucking move the curtain all the way off the wall, we we restarted the start of the episode at at least once.

Eric 18:14

Matt, I think we are also in the shadow of Mercury retrograde. So I think that is worth noting. That is worth bearing in mind. But also my girlfriend could have low-key cursed you. Yeah, probably.

Matt 18:29

Oh, now it's me specifically. Oh, bro. I ain't let me tell you something. I'm too blessed to be stressed, my man. Never since the the audacity that is Jair from the Neatcast have I been this insulted. Okay. Geez La Wheeze. Speaking of the Neatcast and the holiday spirit, that's fresh on mind because last night we recorded uh one of our their 12 rants of Christmas. So go on over to the Neatcast and check it out. My God, what a segue. The gang's all there, by which I mean me, Eric, Mike, and Zach Deuce, and not Jair, the alleged third host of the Neatcast, who not only didn't appear on this podcast, but hasn't appeared in any iteration of their podcast that I've been a part of. And he won't tell me what I said that pissed him off.

Eric 19:22

Matt, remember, you're my holly jolly boy. I don't I don't feel like a holly jolly boy. We'll get you there. Oh. Get you there, Matt. I'll roast you chestnuts, baby.

Matt 19:34

Oh my God, don't say anything you can't deliver on. Call me an open fire. Come on, don't don't be make make it. Don't be don't be talking to my naughty list and then not deliver a gift. Underwater base. Underwater base.

Eric 19:51

Santa has an underwater base.

Matt 19:53

No one has ever disc is the North Pole. Is, god damn it, sometimes my

Music For Santa’s Flight Plan

Matt 20:00

My my revelations, my epiphanies they shock me into silence. Yeah. Does the North Pole's sunken underwater base is it Atlantis? Is there anything out there that says Atlantis can't be Santa's workshop?

Eric 20:18

Is is Santa Atlantis and are the Elves? No, not Atlanta Atlantis.

Matt 20:24

Is Santa's workshop Atlantis?

Eric 20:26

Yeah, well, no, but like he would be king of Atlantis, so he is Atlantis. And the Elves would be Atlanteans. Maybe Elf is the closest English non-Atlantean equivalent to what they are in Atlantean culture. Now we're fucking getting somewhere. Now we're fucking cooking. So Santa rules Atlantis with an iron fist.

Matt 20:49

And I like to think that a la Thunderball, the the base rises at at midnight in whatever time zone's right there at the international dateline. It fucking comes up, or at least a little, like a little trapdoor of the ocean opens up. Got it. Got it. Out flies the sled, triumphant as always. And by the way, I haven't neglected the iconography of what Santa's workshop at the North Pole looks like. Always snowy, always holly, always jolly. That's what it's like. Underwater. Yeah, it's just like Sandy in Spongebob's bubble, basically. Yeah.

Eric 21:32

Is what I'm suggesting. Massive dome. Massive dome. Big ol' fucking dome. Big old dome. Perhaps the world itself. Like a snow globe?

Matt 21:41

Fucking fuck.

Eric 21:43

Is that perhaps where we get snow globes, Matt? Ooh, baby, we are getting at it now. The fucking signs were all there, and we did not listen.

Matt 21:53

As a fucking wise man once said, now we're digging where there's taters. Now we're digging where there's taters, baby. Come on, baby.

Eric 22:00

Fucking give me them spuds.

Matt 22:02

Groast those tots. Listen. Atlantis.

Eric 22:09

Atlantis. Fucking we all we're all getting Atlantis pilled for Christmas. This is this is our gift. This is it. This is the only way. So so where exactly is the North Pole? Atlantis. Underwater in a giant, what to our pedestrian eyes would appear to be a snow globe.

Matt 22:31

Yes.

Eric 22:32

Yes.

Matt 22:33

Yes, Eric. Yes. So we nailed it. Now the when. Now the when. Okay, so we got the where. His where it is precisely. It is precisely at the North Pole, I think. It's just fucking underwater, baby.

Eric 22:46

It's just fucking underwater. Everyone's been looking on land like a fucking idiot. Like idiots. But you gotta go out to the ocean to be on the actual North Pole.

Matt 22:54

In the dead of night at the international dateline when the door opens. And also, if you try to catch them, it's gonna be like the island in lost. You're gonna move around. You're not, you're never gonna be at the right spot to catch it.

Eric 23:10

No, they can they can sense you coming from a million miles away. And also if you try direct to the naughty list.

Matt 23:17

Oh, instant, irrevocably naughty. Yeah, I mean, come on. You're gonna try to dil delay the delivery of eight tr billion trillion gifts, whatever I it was I said earlier.

Eric 23:30

Because also, if you have the the the resources to actually go to the North Pole and go to his underwater secret lair, you know better. You know better. You know better. A child could be forgiven, but you don't ever see children stumbling upon it because they can't go to the underwater base. It's too cold.

Matt 23:48

They'll freeze to death. We just revealed that Santa is essentially a James Bond villain. And you and you think he's not gonna throw your ass on the naughty list, Craig. And you seek to find this man, Craig? Craig, let me tell you something. He's not gonna want to be found by you. No. Okay. He wants to be found one place in the hearts of every child. Yeah, and not in a fucking watch list Craig over here. No. Because that's what you're gonna do. You're gonna be put on a watch list for the way you, I assume, covet Mrs. Claus's body. You covetous bastard. Fucking Craig. You're an inappropriate Craig. When does Santa begin his name?

Eric 24:37

When does Santa leave? Sim okay, so here's my question. Because because Earth, do we know is the North Pole the place that gets like unending days or unending nights? That's gonna inform my answer.

Matt 24:57

All right, Eric. I'm on it. I have the North Pole Wikipedia page open. I got rid of Google Earth because I am a

Reindeer Stasis And Action-Movie North Pole

Matt 25:05

little suspicious that that is what crashed the call.

Eric 25:09

Dude, he knew you were on to him. He fucking that was the call was coming from inside the Atlantis.

Matt 25:15

That was a warning shot. That was a shot across the bow.

Eric 25:18

Shot across the sled's bow, that was. We we must tread carefully. All right. Let's just Google where is always day. I'll be on a rooftop. The last click, click, click I'll hear will be a gun being cocked by an elf.

Matt 25:34

It does say this is this is the AI overview, so so revolt today. The North Pole experiences continuous daylight for approximately six months. So yes, Eric, I would say that that is oh uh midnight sun, also known as the polar day.

Eric 25:53

Okay. Okay.

Matt 25:54

So I don't think I ever knew that midnight sun referred to that. I thought it was a poetic expression.

Eric 26:00

Yeah. Like like like f like you know, m the morning star. Yes, exactly.

Matt 26:06

That's what I thought. I'm a very naive man, Eric.

Eric 26:08

Well, you were you are vi I mean, Matt, you can be forgiven for not knowing Atlantean culture. Thank you. Yeah.

Matt 26:15

So what is polar night then? Polar night is the phenomenon in the northernmost and to southernmost Earth where the sun remains below the horizon for more than 24 hours. This only occurs in the polar circles. The opposite phenomenon, polar day or the midnight sun, occurs when the sun remains above the horizon twice.

Eric 26:36

So okay, because my answer for when he was gonna leave, I was just gonna go for symbolic, like as soon as the sun sets, but the sun never sets there. So that time of year, no stroke a stroke a midnight D25. I think that's it. But then my question becomes Santa, the sleigh is loaded, everything is a go. All he has to do is launch. He reaches over, he presses play on on on his radio. What song is he blasting? He's not it cannot be a Christmas song. What is what is Santa's, you know, fortunate son? Uh who?

Matt 27:11

Oh, that is what a good way to put it, Eric. Because everyone knows exactly instantly sets the vibe.

Eric 27:16

What is his fortunate vibe?

Matt 27:18

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, what is the oh no? Oh no? Oh, you're frozen on my end. Wait, wait, wait. Are you still there? I can still hear you. Yeah. Okay, then we can we can still go. I don't know. I I'm gonna I I'm gonna have to stop going to other tabs, I guess. Yeah, I guess that's what did it. I don't know what the fucking problem is. Bro, it's the cur.

Eric 27:39

Okay, Matt, uh, first you laid this curse at my girlfriend's feet, but I'm just gonna point out this didn't start happening until we started approaching the conclusion that Santa rules Atlantis.

Matt 27:52

I think the curse is also a warning shot. I think uh I have been warned several times now by God, who is, of course, Santa. Yes. I have been warned by him that I am getting too close to the truth, and I'm here to say I'm done with my tabs. The tabs. I'm close. Look, I'm even gonna close him, Santa. I'm even gonna ah shit.

Eric 28:16

Oh bro, it got him. It fucking got him. Gang, he just he just dipped

Ocean’s 14 Steals The List

Eric 28:20

all he's he said the trigger words. He said the fucking trigger words, and now okay, now he's been disappeared. Oh, he's back. Absolutely fucking cursed this fucking goddamn it.

Matt 28:32

I mean, all I I I it's my fault clearly. I'm getting too close to the truth. The truth is out there and I'm finding it.

Eric 28:40

I think, Matt, you are finding it. I I want to believe, but I do not want the consequences.

Matt 28:46

No, this is a cursed episode. Somehow I'm gonna have to cut all this fucking bullshit together. But uh anyway.

Eric 28:53

I think what we can safely say. Uh well, A, I think we're we're moving away from discussing his his location and motives, and now we're just talking about what is his fortunate son as he launches himself.

Matt 29:07

Santa, if you're listening, which we god, we know we that you are, we are no longer we we answered, unfortunately, the question that you rule Atlantis. That much has already been disclosed, and there's nothing we can do about it.

Eric 29:24

Not nothing in the world.

Matt 29:25

But we we will stop trying to figure out exactly when you start your route, because I think the answer, Eric, is we don't need to know. We don't need to. We don't need to, we can't. Nope. What is his fortunate son? You think it can't be a Christmas song?

Eric 29:43

Uh I don't think it should. Because like I think about what what does Santa just fucking ball out to when he's in the car?

Matt 29:52

I think it's the Carol the Bell's vis-a-vis Trans-Siberian Orchestra.

Eric 29:57

Wait, you're telling me this entire Siberian orchestra is trans?

Jingle Gripes Rules Update

Eric 30:05

Ah.

Matt 30:08

Uh it's rude to ask.

Eric 30:10

Now that would be a good one. I would also, I would also, I I envision a carry on my wayward son. Oh, very interesting. He could launch the Carol of the Bells, but like when he's in the middle of his route and it's just like he's hitting that wall, he's gotta throw on a carry on my wayward son in order to keep to keep going.

Matt 30:34

I what about let me propose to you this don't mess around with Jim. Don't mess around with Jim? What is that song? Oh, I I was worried you didn't know the song. It's a Jim Croce song. Mess around with Jim. Just play it real quick in your head. Yeah, yeah.

Eric 30:50

I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna play it in my ears.

Matt 30:52

I'm gonna give you like 30 seconds while I'm gonna and audience, I'll tell you Eric's experience. He's okay, he's bobbing, he's weaving a little bit, and he's not even driving. He's got his arms in the air. Doesn't really go with the vibe of the song, I don't feel. But uh now he's re I can tell he's in the beat. He's shaking his chest at me.

Eric 31:12

Matt, I've I've heard about 20 seconds of this song, hard agree. Yes. This this has beginning of a journey energy. It has the beat of let's go.

Matt 31:22

If if if there was a if there was a movie about Santa Claus directed by Guy Ritchie, I feel like this would be like this song, I will say, is prominently featured in a, I want to say, season two episode of Stranger Things. And as of this recording, I have not started the new season, so if you have, you shut your goddamn slightly. I still need to finish season four, so you're good. That's very offensive to me. I know. I was Eric, I was in a good mood there, despite the technical difficulty. Despite the curse. I was fucking starting to feel it after the colostomy bag that was the beginning of this episode. And here we are.

Eric 32:00

And here we are. So we we know we know his beginning song is You Don't Mess Around with Jim. His gotta get through the wall, get over the wall is is carry on my wayward son. What's his North Poles on the horizon? He's he's he's

Letterboxd Vs IMDb One-Star Chaos

Eric 32:15

in the home stretch, he's like gifts, or he's like, he's pulling it, he's pulling into it pulling into his driveway.

Matt 32:20

It is it is a little cliche. Gotta fly now. Yeah. Yeah. Do you know gotta fly now, Eric? I know, I know it. It's the Rocky theme, Eric. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it does after the dun da, after that part, the actual chorus is just gotta fly now, gotta fly now. And just imagine that part blaring as he's or I give it to me. I fucking got it too. Give it to me. Give it to me. The end of Symphony No. 9, Beethoven. And I say that because it is owed to joy. That is correct, Eric. A U faith will join the chorus that the Midnight Stars began. Yeah, that shit has learned to be. I think it's just gonna cr it fucking crashes as he's like, you know, coming in the home stretch. He sees the mouth of his secret lair open in the ocean. He's getting ready to do that spiral dive. Rudolph's already going up, up, up, up. And we know we're about to get a great corkscrew dive into the center of the fucking earth.

Eric 33:39

Yep. And and you and you know, like there's there's a fucking, there's like a uh uh uh elf Atlantean equivalent of air traffic control down there. Those are like, ooh, Kringle one, you are clear to land copy.

Matt 33:54

Yeah, but it's it it would be more like this is ground control, just come on down here, Santa. We got you right here. You're holly and jolly and good to go.

Eric 34:01

Yeah yes, yes. That is the that is the flavor.

Matt 34:05

Atlant Atlantis be with you. Atlantis be with you, son. You are our Lord and Savior. Down you come. Right there, you'll get dumbbell.

Eric 34:19

None of us will dare to find you. Come on to me. Come on down. I mean, he's gotta have a good working relationship with them. You know, they could they could lock him out.

Matt 34:29

I mean, there's so many more of him, them though, he's not stopping Santa.

Eric 34:33

Yeah, they they are. And we we've talked, I mean, we we've discussed before the the socio pol. I mean, this actually does this might warrant a circle back follow-up. It might. Because the fact that they're Atlanteans living in a snow globe under the sea, that does change the arithmetic on a couple of things. Oh, I think I think there's dire consequences I don't want to project my terrestrial biases onto water folk.

Matt 35:01

No, please do not. Please do not. But here's what I'll say, Eric, as Santa has made his pencil dive with the sled down into the tunnel to make its way back to Santa's workshop, which is Atlantis, which is under the North Pole in the ocean.

Eric 35:19

Yeah. Before the reindeer are cryogenically frozen until next year. You think that, really? Yeah, they probably go into stasis pods. They're they're normal, they're above ground creatures. They're, I feel, I feel like they're they gotta, they gotta, they gotta go and they gotta go into deep sleep. They probably get thought out a couple months before, shake it off. Eric, I'll say this theory. There's one reindeer doing pull-ups outside of his pod while another reindeer's throwing up. Ten to one, it's blitzing.

Matt 35:48

Ten to one is blitzing, bro. I'll say, Eric, this idea that you seem to have thoroughly thought out.

Eric 35:58

Yeah.

Matt 35:59

Um absolutely wiped clean whatever it was I was going to say. It is it is gone from my brain.

Eric 36:09

Just because now all you can see is blitzing, just fucking clean.

Matt 36:13

All I can see is a jacked-up blitzen with his with his back hooves curled up behind him so he doesn't touch the ground, and jacked like a kangaroo up top.

Eric 36:24

Just lifting dancers walking into the hall, eating some chow already, got a towel draped over his shoulders. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. First wake up, kid.

Round One: Muppets And Dinklage Clues

Eric 36:35

You'll get it. That's like the new guys like puking all over the place.

Matt 36:40

Yeah. Oh man, you can make an entire movie about that. Oh man. Damn, yeah. I hope uh I d we haven't gotten a plot for Ocean's 14 yet. And by the way, Ocean's 14, in case you didn't know. Um I'll say this. I want it to be a heist of the North Pole's secret underwater base. I want. Oh my god, they gotta they gotta steal the list.

Eric 37:03

They have to steal the list, bro. And that opens up like I think Ocean's 14. When we're on 14, we are at the point where crossovers are perfectly allowable. Cross it over with National Treasure. Work together with Nicolas Cage.

Matt 37:18

They are making an he is making another one of those too with Nicolas Cage. Oh shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. I don't know if they've even remotely started doing production, but I know Nicolas Cage said he'd do it. Nice. And what a good cinematic transition to Google Gripes? Google Gripe? I don't think we Jingle Gripes. I think we have to go with Jingle Gripes. Jingle gripes. And folks, the reason being that we discovered that right before we recorded this, uh, in the days between when we recorded the Halloween episode and now, Google has retired their movie review section. Wild. You can't see it. And now when you click reviews, the little bubble at the top, it just brings you results for reviews of that movie.

Eric 38:10

IMDB, Rotten Tomatoes, stuff like that. Etc.

Matt 38:13

etc. So we had to get creative because we already promised you a Christmas movie, Google Gripes. Uh I Eric, I legitimately don't know if we can do a Google Gripes edition of movies anymore. I we were debating. Do we go back to places? Do we try something else? I think the universe has told us we we at least have to change. We must change. And change we will. And change we will. But for today, we have gone with individual sources. Uh Eric went with IMDB reviews.

Eric 38:46

Yes. Yes. Uh, and I'll say this for IMDB. They do not lack any of the unhingedness of reviews. No. And in fact, because I guess because it's IMDB, uh the length of the reviews is impressive. Yeah, it's there'll be every bit is unhinged, but like novellas. I had to trim here and there.

Matt 39:07

I um I went with letterboxed reviews, uh, all one stars, of course. Uh that similarly, plenty of unhinged, if not more unhinged behavior, which I was a little surprised uh to see in the one-star section. And I you didn't even know about letterboxed until yesterday. No. Folks, it's basically good reads for movies, and it's a great time. Uh, I find the reviews much more reliable. And uh you can also like, you know, uh track your movie stats, which is something that appeals to me. Anyway, Google gripes or jingle gripes is go ahead, Eric. I see you with a bit there.

Eric 39:44

Jingle gripes, jingle gripes. Gripe me all the way, daddy. No, keep it going. Oh, what fun! No, you wanted to do this, keep it going on a internet forum tonight. Dashing through the punctuation. Paragraph breaks not in sight. Oh, what fun it is to sort through their unhinged thoughts tonight. Hey.

Matt 40:14

I don't remember saying stop. Jingle gripes. Jingle gripes. Gripe gripe gripe gripe gripes. Let that be a lesson to you. Jingle gripes is a game that we sometimes play where we take a real one-star, usually Google reviews, and we uh try to guess the movie they belong to. Eric's got three, I've got three, three reviews each. Mine are from Letterboxd, his are from IMDB. Googles are gone. Got it? Good. Good. Now, how do we do that? How do we do this for Halloween? We kept the results secret until That is right.

Eric 40:52

Okay, good, good, good, good, good. That's all.

Matt 40:54

By which I mean we didn't say whether or not you got it right is what I think Yeah originally.

Round Two: Genovia, Aldovia, And Confusion

Eric 41:00

We just locked in the answer and moved on. And at the end we revealed how right we were. Precisely. So shall we do that again?

Matt 41:07

I don't remember who went first. I think it was you. I would say it's your honor. Okay. Then to you to read you reviews. Yeah, you're gonna read me reviews first. Oh, hold on. We another part of the curse is we both did the same movie. Uh we have excellent taste. We had a fail-safe for this uh by texting our movies to Alyssa, and if we ever uh crossed it up, we both had to lose it. So we had both chosen The Santa Claus as one of our films. And I am upset to see it go because I had some funny fucking reviews there. Okay. Okay. I'm gonna go in the order I wrote them down. I don't know if these are uh easy to hard or not.

Eric 41:47

Yeah, I I was I was I I found Div. I was like, man, it's actually hard to call.

Matt 41:50

So I just left them as is. I that's what I did. So I'm gonna go with the way I they came to me. Okay, I'm ready. First film, first review. What you have to remember when you're watching this film is that you decided to watch a blank movie. Don't take it as seriously as actor did. Okay. Oh yeah. Okay. I guess I'm a hater, but I really did not care for this rendition of blank. Okay. Okay, and your final review. I don't like this one, but I do like the other one. The one where the red person turns giant. That one's my favorite. I don't like this one, only the other one. Okay. And those are your reviews, Eric. And I can tell by the glinting those fucking beautiful eyes of yours, you know it. I can tell.

Eric 42:43

I have a good I have a good guess, and I'm just gonna follow my spirit on this charge. Follow your spirit, Eric. I'm gonna write it. Try Muppet Christmas Carol for God, Harry, and St.

Matt 42:54

George. Okay. I've written it down, Eric. Your guess is locked in. Movie one, you said Muppet Christmas Carol. I would like my three reviews now. Film one, not movie, film one.

Eric 43:09

Um, it's movie. Absolutely terrible. Another example of a great concept ruined by execution. The idea is pretty original, but the direction, the lead, and the supporting cast are just horrendous. There was one word that meant went through my mind all the way through the movie. Embarrassing. I just felt embarrassed for the characters and the situations they were put in. They were just not funny. I guess I was undecided about famous actor. I thought I liked him, but this movie finally tipped me over to the I hate him category. Oh, interesting. He's just not funny. He's shouty and creepy. His man child shtick is getting really annoying. All the other actors in the movie don't even seem to want to be seen on screen with him because they're that embarrassed. They're just there to collect a paycheck. The whole movie is an undercooked mess. Oh. Review number two. Like I said, these fuckers on IMDB wrote novels. That was the pared down version. Jesus Christ. So you didn't you're saying that review itself was pared down. Yes. Review number two. Didn't laugh one time. Not once. I thought actor was kind of funny on that one show. If you by spoiler like pro tip, if you hear me saying that one show or that one movie, that's me filling a blank. I got it, Eric. Thank you. He was kind of funny on that one show, but he isn't funny in movies. I wasn't surprised other famous actor would be in something of such low quality, but I was kind of surprised that third famous actor would. That actor should know better. It tries to be funny, but falls flat. It tries to be heartwarming, but the try is faint and fails. The love element is all but embarrassing for the lady in the movie and unbelievable for the audience. Movies like this aren't supposed to be great art, but they are supposed to be entertaining on at least a childlike level, but this movie just can't even manage that. Don't waste the time with this dud. Oh my.

Round Three: Fish Smell, Lazy Eye, And Best Picture

Eric 45:20

Third review. Okay. I have now watched this movie three times and have yet to crack a smile, much less laugh. I know I sound like a masochist for subjecting myself to this punishment, but I just could not believe a popular movie could be this bad. Oh no. I assumed I missed something, but every time I watched the film, it seemed worse than the time before. Absolutely nothing imaginative, creative, or witty in this entire film except for the brief bit with Peter Dinklage, who can actually act. Everyone else simply embarrasses themselves, except for the main actor, who apparently cannot be embarrassed because he continues to make endlessly lame and boring films and has yet to figure out why people like Belushi, Steve Martin, and Bill Murray are funny and he is not. Picking old gum off a rail and putting it in your mouth is not funny. Wearing tights is not funny. Belushi dressed as a samurai warrior is funny.

Matt 46:18

Well, your decision to include Peter Dinklage's name uh swayed for me. Uh I had I was totally off base, but you're obviously talking about Elf. Okay. Okay. That's my guess. Put it down. Give me a gold star right now. Okay. All right. Are you ready for your second film? I am. I'm not perfect, but at least I haven't sent my entire realm into total chaos by hiding paper paperwork in an acorn. Review number two. Okay. Who said I can't wear my converse with my dress? Christmas edition. Okay. And your final review, Eric. Aldovia wants to be Genovia so bad plus sign.

Eric 47:10

What the fuck?

Matt 47:13

Ah, yeah. What the fuck? Yes, Eric. Yeah. What the fuck? Yes, baby. Oh, what?

Eric 47:22

I have nothing.

Matt 47:23

Talk me through it. Do you need them again, Eric? No. Paperwork in an acorn. Yeah.

Eric 47:29

Converse with a dress. Yeah. Aldovia wants to be Genovia. So and I know Genovia is is Wanda Maximoff's country from the MCU. Interesting. Oh, wait. No.

Matt 47:44

Is it Genovia? No. I didn't even. I'll I'll say this. I didn't even know Sokovia. I thought it was somewhere else, listener.

Eric 47:54

Genovia. Oh my. I fucking I'm gonna I'm gonna shoot a wild fucking shot.

Matt 48:00

I swear to Santa if you get this.

Eric 48:04

I'm gonna say Rise of the Guardians because it has Santa in it, and I can't fucking fathom what else it could be.

Matt 48:15

Alright, Rise of the Guardians. I've locked it in, Eric.

Eric 48:18

Okay.

Matt 48:19

That can't be right. I've locked it in.

Eric 48:22

I movie number two. Movie number two. Review number one. There seems something wrong with taking a classic story that's innocent, riveting, dramatic, and 100% kid-friendly story, and throwing in generous amounts of profanity and sexual content. Some Christmas movies don't need an 80s excess makeover, in my opinion. Oh, interesting. 80s excess. Okay. Review number two. Mm-hmm. I watched it just to have watched it because I've seen almost all the Christmas movies, and this one is on all the lists of must-see Christmas movies. But I don't get why. It's awful. He starts off a rich narcissist and ends up a rich narcissist who just decides to be a hero by being the center of attention and grabbing a woman he treated like trash all along and declaring

Results, Scores, And Salty Takes

Eric 49:20

she's finally worthy of him? I don't know what redeeming qualities this movie has. Is it supposed to be that the main character's horrendous acting? Is that what we're supposed to love? And that one character just beating the crap out of him for no reason? Oh, interesting. Is it supposed to be slapstick? Review number three. Slapstick. Oh, interesting. I can't believe that Richard Donner, director of George C. Scott's excellent version of Blank, directed this pile of garbage. This film had no depth and was not funny. I read lots of reviews, mostly positive reviews, and all I can say is that we are all entitled to our opinion. Sorry, people, garbage from start to finish. Absolutely meaningless tripe. Eric. Did I hand it to you?

Matt 50:15

No, I think I'm I think I'm actually at a at a bit of a loss here. Um 80s excess. Richard Donner. What Christmas movie did he do? I mean, there's an argument to that Lethal Weapon is a Christmas movie. 80s excess, though. I mean, uh, Lethal Weapon was in the 90s. We know this. Apparently a classic story. Famous actors slaps, beats the crap out of him for no reason. Sex profanity. Starts off a rich narcissist, ends a rick narcissist. I'm trying to think of other Richard Donner movies. Um, okay. What I had two options before you hit Richard Donner, and that threw me. The first was Bad Santa. Oh, I have three options actually. First was Bad Santa. Okay. The second was You've Got Mail. And actually, uh before I didn't write it down, but my very first thought was that you were being a real sneaky son of a bitch, and you went with the Santa Claus three, the escape clause. Because you said that thing about the man child, and I was like, is he talking about Martin Short?

Eric 51:36

Well, Man Child, that was early. That was the first movie. That's right.

Matt 51:40

I'm sorry. I'm getting things. How false would it be if I did the Santa Claus to you, though? It would be funny. And the last one that uh I thought it could be earlier was uh Scrooged. Um I'm gonna go with Scrooged for the 80s excess element. I I I cannot remember if that is a Richard Donner uh joint, but uh time will tell. So we're locking it in? I'm locking it in. Yeah, you're scrooge.

Eric 52:07

I'm ready. The Bill Mercury is my next my next movie. I'm no no no no no no. All right, here we go.

Matt 52:12

Yep. Once they said he smelled like fish, I knew I couldn't get with it. Okay. That's your review.

Calls For Questions And Patreon Perks

Matt 52:20

Yep. Second review. The last detail, if it sucked, a hallmark movie where people are allowed to say fuck. I didn't like this for some reason. But I really really wish I did. Frowny face. I feel like such a a movie Scrooge. I'm way too hard on new movies, I know that. But even when I have subterranean expectations, I still just can't connect to anything and find that nothing sticks the landing. But I don't think it's the movie's fault. It it's my fault. I just wish I could figure out why I felt this way. I love lead actor. I thought his performance was very good. I did not like the new kid at all. There was something just off about him. I hated the all the bro, give me my weed, bro, dude, I fucked your mom dialogue. Very stiff and staged. I don't like director, and I never have, and I do believe they probably ripped this script off someone. The whole thing was so hollow, and I and I felt like these characters never bonded or even interacted in a way that felt genuine and beautiful. It was like a two-hour-long read of an ambitious student film script. Glad to have a new Christmas movie to add to my holiday rotation, though. Me hating this will not stop me from re-watching it every year for the same reasons I watch Fred Claws, possibly the worst Christmas movie ever made, or The Family Man every year. I love Christmas movies.

Eric 54:11

This fucking poor guy.

Matt 54:13

And that's your second review.

Eric 54:14

He's hanging on by a thread.

Matt 54:16

Final review Lazy Eye kept switching. There you go. Are you fucking kidding me? Those are your three reviews.

Eric 54:25

Oh man. Smells like fish. New Christmas New Kid keeps sticking in my craw. Lazy Eye. What was that third one again?

Matt 54:38

Lazy Eye kept switching.

Eric 54:40

Lazy Eye kept switching.

Matt 54:41

Oh, I think I've I think I've hit a film you haven't seen.

Eric 54:46

Probably.

Matt 54:47

Is this well known? I would say it's pretty well known. Yeah. Pretty well known? Okay. I'll give it, I'll give you an extra hint, Eric. What? I'm feeling generous. Okay. I would I would consider best picture

Final Bits And Santa-Bane Signoff

Matt 55:00

nominees to be well known. Okay. Would you disagree? No. Okay. All right, just checking.

Eric 55:08

I've got fucking nothing, Matt.

Matt 55:11

Not a thing, huh?

Eric 55:12

I've got not a goddamn.

Matt 55:14

I mean, that's why I gave you the other hint because I I do think it's kind of obvious if you know it, and if you don't know it, you're not gonna know it. Which is, of course, what I want to do. I wanted to cause you pain.

Eric 55:23

I know, and it's working.

Matt 55:25

Now, to be fair, I will say this was my about a half an hour ago, I had to replace the Santa Claus.

Eric 55:32

This was this was the stand, this was the the the the stand-in.

Matt 55:36

This this was the I had I was under a time crunch, so take with that what you will.

Eric 55:41

I'm so it sounds like this was a very recent movie in the uh in the grand scheme of Christmas movies. It is a new say probably within the last five or six years, maybe.

Matt 55:51

All right, so go off of that, go off of the last five years if you think New Kid implies that this is like either a reboot or a sequel. Yes, and a new character or actor is entering the uh the canon, the meta. I oh you're toast. He's toast, folks.

Eric 56:12

I'm fucking I'm dumb. Um put a put call me a chestnut, I'm roasted. God damn.

Matt 56:19

Um, I'm I man, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm gonna you gotta say something, Eric.

Eric 56:27

I I I'm trying to think of anything that even approaches anything I've just heard described. Uh you said lazy eye keeps moving, and I keep trying to think of Forrest Whitaker movies, and that makes me feel bad. Okay.

Matt 56:37

Um God. Lazy Eye, is it Lazy Eye Keeps Switching? Lazy Eye keeps switching. I've given you that review three times.

Eric 56:49

Three times. That one's the the one that's haunting me the most. I am not reading the middle one again. I'm gonna no best picture.

Matt 56:56

No, you know what? I'm gonna say Jim Carries the Grinch. Jim Carries the Grinch, as I believe is the proper name of that film. What the fuck else can I say? That's that uh that's all. That's all you can assume as long as you believe it is the right answer. Yeah. I need my third movie, Eric, and I need it now. All right, I'll feed you, baby bird. Open that mouth up. All right.

Eric 57:26

Um people like this because it, I am forced to assume, reminds them of a time past and Christmas the way they like to think it should be. And those are good things. But those attributes have nothing to do with an honest criticism of the film. Few here actually rate it for what it really is, and that is a collection of some of the poorest writing and acting in all of filmmaking. Ooh, shots fired. Even famous actor, not a great actor, but one who is often accused of being a great actor since he is endearing, just like this movie is. It better not be my fucking first guess, continue. Is at his worst here. If people really looked at this flick without the romantic viewpoint and with true objectivity, they would see it for what it really is: a complete waste of film. Review number two. Oh my. The plot is good. Famous actor is a fundamentally good everyman, and and what? The idea that life was worth living is idealistic fantasy hogwash. Hordes of people now who are struggling with lack of money and despair are the real story. This is a way for the moneyed people to keep the rest of the herd in a fantasy realm of hope so that they can keep hiring checkout clerks and nursing home janitors for peanuts. I have watched this movie on and off for years and always thought it hokey and unrealistic. Only once, I think, did I watch it until the end, and I never go it. Mmm. Review number three. Horrible, full of depression and despair, and a Christmas tree thrown in at the end. No thanks. It's a wonderful life. Yeah, okay.

Matt 59:11

We're at the end anyway. We are at the end anyway. I am so mad that somebody has the audacity to suggest that Jimmy Stewart is not a great actor.

Eric 59:23

We who have stood in his hometown beneath his very statue.

Matt 59:31

Anyway, all right, so let's go back through it, Eric. Yes. The uh we it's time for the results show. Okay. Okay, so Eric, the first film I gave you was uh included the reviews such as Don't Take It As Seriously as the Actor did, didn't care for this rendition of. And you said Muppet Christmas Carol.

Eric 59:54

Yes, I did. And that is correct, Eric. So was the blank in the first review so Shama Kokai. Yes, it was Shama Kai. Shamakokai. This is a Muppet movie. Yes, this is a Muppet movie.

Matt 1:00:07

Very good.

Eric 1:00:08

Your first movie. If you'll remember Man Child, Embarrassment, Famous Actors, Pete Peter Dinks, which I shouldn't have. You should not have. I was like, I was banking. I was like, ooh, will he remember? Because a lot of people forget that he was in that movie. Oh, I definitely do not. Um, you guessed Elf. I did. And you were correct. Yeah, I knew it. I don't mind saying that. I knew it, Eric. And from here on out, I do not feel I do not fancy my chances.

Matt 1:00:36

Your second guess, Eric, was uh for film that includes things of sent my entire realm into chaos by hiding paperwork in an acorn. I can't wear converse with my Jess. I'll dress Aldovia wants to be Genovia. So bad. You said Rise of the Guardians. Yeah. A chaotic guess, to say the least. Yes. Genovia, Eric, is the kingdom featured in the princess diaries.

Eric 1:01:08

Oh shit. A movie famous. I've never seen it. Oh, Eric, that is a sin.

Matt 1:01:14

That is a sin. This Eric is uh a recent film. A recent, more recent film.

Eric 1:01:21

Wait, wait, wait. Oh, do you want to get your second movie? Or are we just No, no, no.

Matt 1:01:24

I'm telling you. This You just gave me your second film. I haven't told you what it is yet, Eric. No, no, I haven't revealed if Rise of the Guardians is correct.

Eric 1:01:33

Oh, oh, sorry. When you said the Princess Diaries, I thought that was the movie.

Matt 1:01:37

No, no, Eric. Oh, okay. Genovia wants to be Aldovia wants to be Genovia so bad. Genovia is the kingdom featured in the Princess Diaries. Aldovia is the pr is what's featured in this canon.

Eric 1:01:56

And what movie is this?

Matt 1:01:57

This was a more a semi-more recent film, although it is older than you or I want it to be. Okay. It was a viral hit, so I do say that it is a well-known movie. Eric, this is a Christmas Prince. Oh my God. I really, I really thought the hiding paperwork in an acorn was gonna do it. I'm not gonna lie.

Eric 1:02:20

I've never seen I I've also never seen Christmas Prince, but I am intimately familiar with its impact in the zeitgeist.

Matt 1:02:26

It is very bad, and believe it or not, it came out in 2017. Oh my god. Uh it is it is a bad movie. It has two purposefully bad spin-offs, which make them not as good. Uh, but the first one is a delightfully awful, awful film. Okay. Okay.

Eric 1:02:44

Um uh for for your second movie, Matt. So this was the one taking a classic story, kid-friendly, sex, profanity, oh, 80s excess funny, yeah, 80s success, Jim Belushi dressed as samurai. Uh, you guessed Scrooged? I did. You weren't sure if that was a Richard Donner film. It was not. You were correct. I was Scrooge. Yes. Why? It is a Richard Donner film.

Matt 1:03:10

At least according to this review, it is. I thought that was just uh shot up into the ether.

Eric 1:03:15

Yeah. They were talking mad shit about Bill Murray in those reviews.

Matt 1:03:18

Yeah, I bet they were. I bet they were.

Eric 1:03:21

Uh and your final film. So so far we're we're we're two to one. We're two to one. I would need to get this right, and you would need to get it wrong in order to tie.

Matt 1:03:32

In order to tie. But that's something something tells me that won't be the case. You said Jim carries the Grinch for this one, Eric. Yes, I did. It included the review about smelling like fish, it included the review about the lazy eye, which kept switching, and the uh big long existential crisis review. Yes. Eric, the lazy eye was not referring to Forrest Whitaker's real eyes. The character in question had a lazy eye. Okay. And it did it was mentioned that this same character smelled like fish. It's me it's mentioned a couple of times, as I recall. Okay. Uh, Eric, this film was nominated for Best Picture. It is a well-known movie, I would say. And I was this is my newer ad, but I I have no doubt you've heard of it. This is The Holdovers, Eric. Uh Paul Giamatti, or as I'm sure you'd like to say, Paul Giamatts. Uh, yeah, it's a very it's a it's I I quite enjoyed it. I thought it was a delightful movie.

Eric 1:04:45

I think if nothing else, I've gotten a list of movies I need to go fucking watch.

Matt 1:04:48

Yeah, add the holdovers uh 2023. Yeah, I thought it was a delightful little new addition to the Christmas movie canon. Well, Matt. Yeah, we here we are.

Eric 1:04:59

Matthew! You guessed for the third movie. It's a wonderful movie. It's a wonderful one. It's a wonderful life. It's a wonderful life. I'm not even gonna fuck. Yes, it's a wonderful life. You did already do it. You simply go, yeah, maybe. Yeah, it's a wonderful life. Matt, three to one. Three are the winner winner turkey dinner, because it's Christmas. Or ham. Or ham. Or lamb. I've never fathomed anyone who does turkey dinner for Christmas. It's it's a ham. Yeah, it's always ham.

Matt 1:05:30

I was gonna say rib roast. But I don't I don't understand what you're saying. But I will say this, Eric. You still, you still managed to dunk on me a little bit because at least you got one. I got one! I didn't even get one during Halloween. But but but a clean victory, man. A clean fucking sweep. And uh three babe. But I'll say good reviews all around, Eric. Good one. Yeah, good reviews. Excellent. And that'll about do it, folks, for this special Santa edition of You Didn't Ask For This, which means we do need your questions. We need them desperately. Not for the next episode, though. That's the bingo sode, everybody. Yeah, baby. That will be the bingo sode for 2026, Eric. If you can fucking believe it. Time isn't real. Time is not real. I refuse to believe it. Uh, but we do need your questions. Send them to us at you didn't ask for this at gmail.com, all spelled out, or the letter you didn't ask pod on Instagram and elsewhere. That's the letter you didn't ask pod. Or you can drop them in the fucking Discord, the dafts chord. Eric, knock it out. How do they get there? What do they need to pay us?

Eric 1:06:47

You go to patreon.com slash you didn't ask for this. Uh, the one dollar tier gets you access to our Discord, uh, where it be hopping. We have an orgy dome. Tell come on it, pop it on pay your dollar. Come on, decorations. Orgy are up in the orgy dome for Christmas. Decorations are up. Tell us what you're bringing. Uh for four dollars a month, Matthew. Just four. For four dollars a month. I bought a coffee today that was $4.20, if you believe it. Less than a latte, baby. Uh this was just a fucking drip. Less than less than the cost of a drip. Uh, you get access to the Discord, you get access to monthly bonus content in the form of oops, all tangents. And you get 20% off of all your DAF merchandise in the merchandise store. My God. And we might be having new merchandise coming in the far flung, nearish, maybe it's if we squint just right, future.

Matt 1:07:53

Future, yes. It all depends on how much free time I have over the month of December. Again, we are recording this about two weeks in the past. But listen, folks, that is coming up on you didn't ask for this. It's a little bit of a tease. You just have to trust us that uh we have things in motion. I know the website looks like shit. I'm well aware of that. It causes me great anxiety, but I don't have the time to fix it right now. Okay, I'm getting to it. He's got stuff on his mind. You'll fucking see, okay? You'll see why I'm distracted. You'll see everything will be made clear.

Eric 1:08:30

All will be made clear.

Matt 1:08:32

All will be made clear. Just hang on, audience. Stop hassling me. God, he's working so fucking hard. I'm not a man to be jarred. That is a reference to the Neatcast rant episode. That was a good cut. That was a deep cut. That's a reminder to go there. My voice is getting tired from doing this and immediately prior having been recording an audiobook, so we have to wrap this bullshit up. So for all of us here, you didn't ask for this. My name is Matthew Shea. My name is Eric Poach.

Eric 1:09:03

And listen, you didn't ask. Atlantis is real. Santa rules Atlantis, his elves are Atlanteans. Please spread the truth. Do not I got again.

Matt 1:09:13

And we're right at the end. Did you just become Bane? Is that what you chose to do at the end? No, that was that was San that was Santa Claus podcast. It sounded like ho ho ho. You you merely adopted the jolly. I was born to it. Mold molded by it. It's always the same. Anytime we do this impression, it's always the same fucking line. By the time I had milk and cookies, I was already a man. It was nothing but blind.