You Didn't Ask For This
You Didn't Ask For This
122 | Nothing Up My 501(c)(3)
It's a question as confounding as it is simple: Why rubber ducks? We tackle this vague quandary before diving into what other times can join "island time," and what the world would be like if farts were visible. Then, Matt treats Eric to a tasty new Pop Quiz.
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magic, the gathering no, oh man, I wish I miss playing magic. Never played it. It's wonderful way to get angry at yourself and your friends let me keep you on track right away.
Matt:I tangented you in mere seconds. Continue, sorry, where was I?
Eric:magic. I uh, it's, uh, it's, uh, it's date night. Oh, it's date night for us, for for no, for me and my beloved, yeah, it never is. Uh, it is Saturday night. It is a beautiful weekend in Baltimore. The weather is somewhat merciful.
Matt:It's all right for fighting. Yeah Huh, it's all right for fighting.
Eric:Uh, what does that mean?
Matt:Saturday is all right for what is that?
Eric:What are you quoting?
Matt:It's a very famous Elton John song Saturday Saturday, Saturday. I wish you liked music.
Eric:No fights this evening, only magic I found. So what I've taken to doing more often is looking through the like what's happening in baltimore, like events page and I was scrolling through and you see like usual stuff like oh, ghost tours, museums apparently matt tonight at they are doing a showcase of the best magicians in the mid-atlantic. Oh my, oh yeah, bro, I've never been to a magic show like I've seen magic done, but I've never been to like a dedicated magic and it's like seven magicians. Have you ever been?
Matt:wow, it's like a. It's like a, it's Coachella for magicians, it's. Magella, have you been to?
Eric:uh, I have it's a beautiful, beautiful building, beautiful building. Um, now, matt, yes, I'm looking at the poster for this event. I'm seeing like they've. They've got, like the little, the little super imposed, pictures of all the magicians that are going to be there. Sure, first off, pop quiz. How many of them are holding cards? Three, four, you were, you were close. One is holding a gigantic six sided die, and one this is my favorite one I'm just going to see if you can peep him here in the camera holding a candelabra.
Matt:Oh, yeah, I see him there like a murder suspect. He looks like he's taking a picture for a clue game card.
Eric:Yeah, or like a murder mystery party, correct, like, like a yes, like a low budget, I so or perhaps a community theater production of arsenic, and old lace. Oh, be still my heart. So here's the thing that's been like sitting in my brain Cause that like I was like oh, done, easy, oh, and I told alissa she was delighted. She, she fucking loves magic. What do I wear to?
Matt:a magic show? Now, that is a good question, eric what the fuck do.
Eric:Like I, because I know, I, I. I know what to wear to the theater. I know what to wear to to a bar grill situation. I know what to wear to a funeral. I don't like, do I dress? Like, do I do fancy dress? Do I dress?
Matt:magically, my first impression is a tuxedo just go and I think it makes it even better if you show up in a tuxedo with a cape, because then you look like you're a magician.
Eric:I was gonna say, then people might start. I just, I just start doing really shitty magic you just sit in the front row.
Matt:I want you in the front row I don't know if this is general admission or ticketed seats.
Matt:Oh, it's ga, baby, you're gonna go, you're gonna get the front. Get there early. Yeah, you're gonna send the front row and I want you to enter with your cape. I want you to sit down dead center of the house with your finger, fingertips to fingertips yep, yep, just sit down with your hands like this, a little tp with your fingers, and stay like that as you, as you, dead eye, without any hint of enjoyment, the magicians and after every trick maybe throw in like a enjoyment the magicians. And after every trick maybe throw in like a I mean, yeah, that or I, I think that's. That's, that's what I think you should do. I think that.
Eric:So I dress like tuxedo mask from sailor moon, correct? And I and I and I just didn't regard these actual magicians who apparently really favor the jacket, vest, combo, sure I. I regard them with utter disdain, the occasional tick and maybe like what, what would be going through their heads, like do they think I'm like auditioning them for the collegium of of magicians?
Matt:okay, even better instead. Uh, you do, that's how you sit down with the little teepee of the fingers, but then then you pull out a notebook and you, just after every joke, just start making notes, just start making notes.
Eric:God, if I had prep time for this.
Matt:It'd be perfect if I could magic the pen out of my yes and it like poofs and then if they call you on it, be like what, oh, it's for the board and just go back.
Eric:The board sent me. Yeah, I'm here on behalf of the board.
Matt:What board. I really shouldn't have to tell you that I can't say.
Eric:I'm not supposed to reveal to you the secrets of our non-profit governance, our non-profit government. Nothing up by 501 c3 man. I, yeah, I don't know how to act around magicians, dude, I don't like, because do you ever? Okay, do you ever experience this? I experience this all the time when I'm seeing other performers. I, I always want to be as generous of an audience member.
Eric:Yes, as I possibly can, particularly if I know anyone in the show yeah, oh, 100, but yes, like if there, if there's jokes, I'm laughing, if there's, if there's, if there's sads, I'm I'm crying a hundred percent.
Matt:I like. I only I read the audience that I'm in a little bit with that. You know, like if there's someone who's already like a boisterous laughter and is going to get people laughing and dial it back a little bit well then I'm like okay, I'm off the hook, I don't have to?
Matt:oh, I don't have to work my watch has ended yeah, and I can just be a regular audience member, although I did recently tell my therapist that I think maybe what I'm discovering is I'm more comfortable on stage than I am in an audience.
Eric:Ain't that the fuck dude? Ain't that the fucking truth?
Matt:I would rather be in front of 200 people than among 200 people.
Eric:Yes, yes it's just you're. You're hyper aware of your every reaction. You're hoping to god that they're, that you're making them feel good up there I know that they're looking at me as opposed to yeah oh, they feel they assuming people are interested in me in the audience. Yeah, Well, we majored in getting attention. Yeah, well, you did.
Matt:I majored in acting. Yeah, got him.
Eric:Got him Damn.
Matt:Damn, take that to the bank. But you know, on a serious note, probably just like a nice shirt or whatever. Yeah, like a nice shirt, whatever, yeah, like a nice shirt. I mean, you're still going to. So that's the I'm going to. Yeah, I, I would say you probably want something not quite like. You're going to say arby's okay, yeah, yeah.
Eric:I mean I'm not going to d and b's, I'm, I'm going to see some of these and pigeons come out Exactly.
Matt:I do think you need to, more so than your garb. I think you need to prepare a bit.
Eric:Just like every few tricks, I just turn to Alyssa and loudly whisper like oh, that was the prestige. I heard about this. Yes, how many dead bodies and tanks do you have back there?
Eric:just a movie from 2006 funny enough, I was at the guinness brewery yesterday and they had like a little dunk tank set up out back, like you just did little carnival games, yeah, and and like after the third or fourth time of watching someone, oh, new. Subject dunk tank etiquette. Specifically, if you are going to be the one getting dunked, uh-huh, I think we can all agree. The success of a dunk tank hinges on the, the heel energy, yes, of the one being dunked. The person being dunked did not have heel energy. They were not roasting anyone trying to dunk them. They were not mocking them, they were not, it was.
Matt:It was very weak, because then it just turns into being like a principal at a, at a field day at an elementary school, you know, and then I'm reminded like I need an enemy to fight.
Eric:Otherwise I remember that I'm dunking what is most assuredly a minimum wage employee at the Guinness Bureau.
Matt:Yeah, they need to be earning their paycheck in that dunk tank.
Eric:Yeah, well, exactly, I need to be distracted from the horrors of capitalism for like five minutes. Besides, I bought my milk stout. I earned this. Yes, my milk stout, I earned this. Yes, but uh, the person in the dunk tank. Every time someone throw and miss you could see the visible relief on their face, like, oh, like they have like a little oh no.
Matt:But it was a very. It felt I mean, that's a kind of good dunk tank bit too to be over overly victimized, yeah, as if, like somehow you've been kidnapped and they're in here.
Eric:It's like the modern day equivalent no please no, it'd be like the modern day equivalent, where they have like a jester tied to a giant bullseye and the the nobles are throwing knives at the apple on his head.
Matt:Yes, we've come so far, but even even in that case, I feel like the gesture is now being overly victimized.
Eric:I feel like the gesture is being like oh, put one right above my nose, yes, and my pain, please lord byron, as we all know, uh enthusiast of uh jester knife tossing, but but towards the end of the dunk tank, after I watched this person get dunked for like the third or fourth time, I just loudly said have you ever seen the prestige, god?
Matt:oh, er. Yeah, can't take you anywhere. Well, hello everybody and welcome to you. Didn't Ask For this. It is the podcast that answers life's least pressing questions. My name is Matt Shea and my name is Eric Poach. Eric Poach, I demand to know how you are Baby.
Eric:I am doing good. I got to sleep in. I ran some errands, I got some coffee.
Matt:Yeah. I played some video game yeah, elden ring yes yeah, saw that on the discord yes, it is uh terrifying.
Eric:I'm, I'm past the pants shitting terror. That like is the beginning of any souls game, where you're just in the middle of it all and you're like what, what's happening? Why am I rolling like this? Who is that guy? Why does he want to kill me? What does any of this mean?
Matt:Well, eric, I think that is so exciting for you. I was doing a bunch of self-tapes all day, so I'm already exhausted, oh. But you know, but warm, but warm. So yeah, I'm ready to go, I'm ready to jump in, and we got some nice questions here for you, and then I'm very excited. I'm actually very excited about today's pop quiz.
Eric:Ah, when you told me how to pop quiz, I get so giddy about the pop quizzes.
Matt:They're just delightful for this one. You should be. Oh man, eric, I'm gonna tell you right now, and listeners, I'm gonna tell you right now you are going to like it.
Eric:Look, you didn't hear this from me. You didn't hear this from me. Don't tell the cops. My manager would be pissed Like we're car dealers. My manager would be pissed if he knew I was doing this. But you're going to love it. I can't believe I'm saying this to you. I could lose my job. I'm breaking several international laws by telling you that you're really going to enjoy I'm. I can't say anything. You're gonna like the way you look. I guarantee it. I guarantee questions, questions. Uh, question one. This comes from bootsy on the discord. Hi, bootsy.
Matt:Bootsy asks why rubber ducks? And that is in fact the entirety of the question why I missed it.
Eric:Why rubber ducks? Why rubber ducks? Why rubber duck now?
Matt:eric, I feel like we're almost going into a new territory of question where we try to figure out what the question means. Yes, these are?
Eric:these are very meta-forward questions.
Matt:So is it why rubber ducks in a specific situation, like why rubber ducks in a bath? Or just why are they? Why did we choose ducks of all the rubber ducks?
Eric:Why not rubber pigeons? Why not rubber when we have rubber chickens?
Matt:I would assume the original intention of the rubber duck was just to to have an animal that can float on the water for children, or maybe perhaps it wasn't for children, just something to be delightful. And what floats on water?
Eric:rubber and matt. I'm gonna I'm gonna put this rule on us right now. Okay, we cannot look it up until we have finished discussing it and decided what our answer is. I like it and I accept. Okay. Why rubber ducks? Yeah, I'm thinking of all the various situations. Yeah, a little rubber floaty toy Rubber ducks also feature heavily in many subcultures. There's rubber ducks in the Jeep community.
Matt:I was going to say after jeep, what else?
Eric:uh, what other subcultures programmer? Uh subculture. Are you familiar with rubber duck programming? No, so it's a. It's a thing they do where you know if you're struggling with code or like your code's not executing the way you want it to or you're working through any sort of problem. Programmers will keep a like a rubber duck or some similar effigy, but the, the classic example is a rubber duck and you literally explain your code out loud to the rubber duck. You, you literally talk to the rubber. I can say out loud, and often, as you're explaining the problem out loud, you go oh, that's the problem, because when you're thinking about it internally, your brain's working one way, but when you're vocalizing it and thinking about it at the same time, it changes the way you think about the issue okay, helps you helps you find the, the, the, the problems.
Matt:I think it's I can see that. Yeah, that makes sense to me. Yeah, I I. Could it be why rubber ducks are always featured in Hitman games? Because, as I don't know, are they.
Eric:Oh yeah, Because I know you're a big Hitman fan.
Matt:I'm a big Hitman fan. I've played every one of the games except for the very first one, but I've played them all. I don't need to play the first one because Hitman Contracts mostly recreated all the levels from the first game. Everybody knows that, everybody. But no, they usually feature as both an Easter egg in most, I think, every mission, but maybe not every map, but I think it's every map. You'll find a rubber duck somewhere. There's a rubber duck somewhere and there's also a. You can collect different versions of weapons that are rubber ducks, like a proximity mine, that's a rubber duck, oh, that's awesome, or whatever. And then in the sniper challenge mode there is always a bunch of rubber ducks as like a hidden, like you can shoot the rubber ducks as an achievement. Nice, is it asking that?
Eric:I also like we can put this through the emphasis machine why rubber ducks? Why rubber ducks?
Matt:why rubber duck? I feel like, why rubber ducks is what I started with. Like, yeah, we, we needed a floating toy for children. Slash happy times and what floats on water? Naturally ducks and rubber and match made in heaven. So we've made a duck and we've made it out of rubber, and bada bing, bada, boom.
Eric:There we go rubber duck. It's also a very safe toy for a child and I feel like they can't choke on them. That hits.
Matt:That hits both. Why that hits both? Excuse me, why rubber ducks as well as me? Why rubber ducks as well as? Why rubber ducks, why rubber ducks? So we've nailed that, so we're down to why rubber ducks why rubber ducks?
Eric:that's my thing with the jeeps, because I'm, I'm with the jeeps.
Matt:It is a very applicable question. How did it start?
Eric:I dude, I I'm, and we've been over this. I'm a terrible jeep owner in the sense that, like I'm not a uh, I'm not, you know a disney kid of jeeps. Sure, a lot of jeep owners are, I, I do wave um, but I don't have no one's ever given me a rubber duck um, and I know they're supposed to be. I know what I know of the culture they're supposed to be gifted to you and right.
Eric:You've said traditionally you lay them across your dashboard. But I've also seen because there are a lot of jeep owners where I work, some have this I I admire their commitment to it the very barbaric they actually skewer all of the rubber ducks stacked on top of each other on the antenna of the car. Interesting, they're like battle trophies at that point.
Matt:Yeah, like just displaying the talisman of your fallen opponents.
Eric:Yeah, I don't know how it started, I can't even begin to guess why, but that's memetics for you, baby. That's human culture. We do a lot of shit that we don't know why.
Matt:We just meme it we just got to get out there and vibe it. We got to vibe it. We got to know why we just meme it. We just got to get out there and vibe it. We got to vibe it, we got to thrive it. Vibing and thriving, vibing and thriving, as I've always said why rubber ducks?
Eric:They're brightly colored. I will say for the current Jeep meta, because it's not just standard issue rubber ducks. Rubber ducks are so customizable now to the point that when I was in tennessee I there was a rubber duck store that was run by jeep.
Eric:they're like what yeah, we were at the. We were at this. Jeep's gone too far. Jeep's gone too far, jeep's gone too. You could. You could get a dolly parton duck. I'm sad I didn't, but you get a little dolly parton. You get so many different kinds of ducks. They had a lot of rubber duck themed T-shirts, ew.
Matt:That in Tennessee that, like this, is a money grab by Jeep. I don't appreciate it. Oh yeah, I think, because the Jeep I don't know how it started with Jeep either, but I guarantee it wasn't by Jeep, no, it was by the Jeep drivers. And this is Jeep trying to capitalize on what grew organically.
Eric:And this is why you can't get the corporation involved, and that's why I didn't buy a single rubber duck. I don't cross the fucking picket line.
Matt:That's right, and God damn it. I'm proud of you for it. That being said, is it time to look up rubber duck?
Eric:Well, I'm curious, matt, what's your ideal rubber duck? If you had a rubber ducky, okay, what would it look like? Would you go classic, or would it have a theme?
Matt:I would think, if I'm getting bath time rubber ducks for a hypothetical child, I would want the rubber duck the classic yellow. Yeah, no props does it squeak? Sure, gotta squeak the as, because I gotta teach the child the base right, this is what we build from. Yeah, this is, this is, this is the rule of natural law. And then I want 20 to 30 incarnations of a rubber duck all wearing different outfits.
Matt:On this note, I have a head start. I do have two bags of rubber ducks given to me by my mother because I said offhandedly that I read online on a Reddit thread that turtles like to play with rubber ducks, so naturally, your mom got you two trash bags full of them.
Matt:No, my mom got me two Ziploc bags that she already possessed because she was a preschool teacher. Oh, that's good. So she's got all kinds of props and toys and things just in the basement at home. So she brought all her collection of rubber ducks. It also served as a perfect excuse for her to get something out of the house. So, yeah, that that's where I'm at now. I just get things from my childhood or other people's childhood, as it turns out delivered to me. Jaws did not want to play with the rubber duck, so now I have all these I I left it in there for days.
Matt:he regarded it with skepticism and I think disdain, disdain, uh. So I removed him, I removed them.
Eric:He seemed to remove jaws from the tank.
Matt:No, I removed the rubber tank from from jaws is home.
Eric:Yeah, no, I then tried ping pong balls cause?
Matt:I read the same thing.
Eric:Same thing, disdainfully looking at the ping pong ball.
Matt:Yeah, they're allegedly they like pushing him around, but not my guy, not your guy, not my guy, not what he does. He was like get this shit out of here right now. So I did.
Eric:Okay, so we know. So why rubber ducks? Matt Tell me I think the rubber duck Hold on. I'm going to pot Matt, take it again, but don't think no.
Matt:I think the rubber duck represents a type of human in this world that wants to present like they're all together, that they've got themselves figured out, that they know what they are and how they can be defined. But in reality, the slightest bit of pressure will distort and ruin one's self image and one's sense of self in itself, and you will release a horrid, horrible sound, a primal scream from within. That is the essence of humanity. There fucking is Eric, why rubber ducks.
Matt:Duck float. Good, take it again, eric. I want you to take it again. Take it again, this time full sentence.
Eric:A duck, that is to say a waterfowll with which most of us are familiar, is a simple creature for a simple time in our lives. When you're a kid, what do you do? Go look at ducks. Go look at ducks in the water. That's right. And when you're a kid of the 90s like we were and you didn't know any better, you gave them bread you gave them bread.
Matt:You're not supposed to do that. We didn't know. We didn't know that we were going off of what was available to us at the time. So the science that was available in the 90s said bread.
Eric:Ducks are inherently simple creatures. I don't mean simple in terms of their general vibe and intelligence, I mean in terms of their relationship to us. Everyone kind of knows where they stand. With a duck, you don't have to be worried about a duck. Ducks aren't geese. They're not going to fucking like short of you going and trying to fist fight one. They're not going to attack you, they're just going to leave you alone. But they'll splash near you. You just go watch them wade across the water. It's very simple. It's a simple world. Ducks float I ducks float. I watch ducks and I think that resonates deeply with our, our primitive minds. I do wonder, often at night as I stare at the ceiling when did we first not I don't think about when we first looked at the stars and wondered about our place in the universe. I wondered when we first gathered on the shores of those primordial lakes and watched the ducks and were contented. See, Eric.
Matt:All you gotta do Duck float good. All you gotta do is express yourself a little bit better, and now people know the poetry that lives within you. You also made me realize another thing about rubber ducks Go on. Rubber ducks represent an ideal, because we look at a duck on a pond and we see a duck floating peacefully. But what we always take for granted, eric, is that they're not really technically floating. And if you could see a cross section, you'd see those little feet going fucking ham under that water, just a pattern.
Matt:It's the iceberg thing, right? Yeah, what's above the water is what we can see, what we can perceive. What's under the water is really what is supporting the whole structure. The rubber duck is like the American dream. Oh, there it is. It is an illusion that can't actually be attained.
Eric:Oh, fucking Snaps in the chat. Boys Snaps in the chat.
Matt:From Wikipedia. A rubber duck or a rubber ducky is a toy shaped like a duck that is usually yellow, with a flat base, and may be made of rubber rubber like material such as vinyl plastic. I actually think most rubber ducks I've encountered are vinyl. Yeah, the history of the rubber duck is linked to the emergence of rubber manufacturing in the late 19th century. The earliest rubber ducks were made from harder rubber. When manufacturers began using Charles Goodyear's invention, vulcanized rubber. Consequently, these solid rubber ducks were not capable of floating and were instead intended as chew toys Ah okay of floating and were instead intended as shoe toys ah okay. Sculptor peter ganine created a sculpture of a duck in the 1940s. He patented it, patented it and reproduced it as a floating toy, of which over 50 million were sold. So it's so. It started as a shoot toy.
Eric:It looks like bro, I think this this ties right into your american dream. Bit like it, it's truly the american dream, because you look at a rubber duck. You think you know where you stand with it. Oh, it's a little rubber duck, but turns out not these days, not fucking made of rubber. Someone has patented and and and profited off of the simple shape of a baby duck uh, made of some of the most hazardous materials we've ever put into our planet and was originally not even intended what was designed to be a chew toy for, I assume, dogs. Yes, we just started giving to our children.
Matt:Rubber ducks have also become a protest symbol, simultaneously in belgrade, brazil and moscow in 2017 and bangkok in 2020 really that's what it says there.
Eric:Any sort of like why or how they're used? There's just. Are they just like a general marker of? Oh hey, the.
Matt:The source is picture in pictures from south china morning post. Uh, it says many protesters have taken to carrying large inflatable yellow ducks, which have become a protest mascot after demonstrators use them as shields from police, water cannons and tear gas. Uh, pro-democracy protesters who are demanding a series of reforms accuse the monarchy of enabling decades of military domination. Like water off a duck's ass, baby, there you go.
Matt:Ernie won't sing about that one. No, he won't. No, he can't. Eric Fucking PBS is getting gutted. Yeah, he can't. He literally can't afford to. That's the American dream, baby Shh. That's the American dream. Wake up, is it not? Wake up, ducks, fly together, eric. I think it's time we move on to our next question. I'll quack to that. I'll quack with you, inspired by my most recent experience at Walmart, when everyone moved at a slow, zombie pace and there was a queue to leave. There is island time. What other types of time are they? And that's from your beloved at Doughbabe.
Eric:That's from Melissa. So yeah. So for those of you who know island time, we talk about island time. We're talking about a slow, easy, relaxed. There is no rush, we're not on any sort of no one's getting angry if we get there late.
Matt:We're on island time.
Eric:We're on island time. Maybe we close the shop early, go fishing. We're on island time.
Matt:Well, there's an obvious time. We've already talked much about Miller time.
Eric:We've talked about Miller time. If you'd like to learn more about Miller time, listen to that episode in which we talked about it. You know the one.
Matt:That'll be way back in episode 11, Radicalized Dolphins, episode 11.
Eric:So there's Miller time, there's Miller time, there's Hammer time, hammer time classic.
Matt:It's a classic bit from the 90s. Yes, Can I tell you about one of my favorite times?
Eric:I think you better. Probably one of my top times Get us back on track time captain.
Matt:Steppin' time, steppin' time, steppin' time. What's steppin' time? Tell me about it.
Eric:Steppin' time, steppin' time, oh that clears it up. From Mary Poppins the singing chimney sweeps, sweeps in that sorry show, stopping number I'm sorry eric stepping time I have not, I'll be honest votes for women stepping time. I'll be women stepping time.
Matt:I'll be honest with you, eric, and the suffrage movement. I have not watched mary poppins since I was a very small child oh, dude, I didn't remember that lyric in in particular, you should give it a rewatch.
Eric:It still rips dick. Van dyke's accent is still atrocious. Of course it is. It doesn't change, it's fixed.
Matt:And it's such a good movie and step in time goes so hard all right, well, I'll, I'll check out step in time and I'll step in time with it.
Eric:I I do I really want to. It was a tangent to this, but tangentially related to alissa and I were once discussing how we really want to do like a cosplay of, like crust punk, mary, poppins and burt sure. So naturally I'd be dressed like a chimney sweep little red handkerchief, all that stuff, um, and I would have a, a back patch on my outfit like a punk, like a patch you would see on a punk vest. It would be an image of a chimney sweeps boot kicking in the teeth of an English Bobby with the with the phrase it's step in time, nice.
Matt:I like that. I think that that's a good punk vest patch. Yeah, yeah, I think that fuck a good punk vest patch. Yeah, yeah, I think that fucks good punk vest patch and I would support that on you, thank you. Thank you, you're welcome.
Eric:But there's company time, company. Oh man Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime and that's why I do anything on company time.
Matt:It's not just shit no, god no you god no, every you.
Eric:You should be doing everything you possibly can on company time and company dime yeah, you're morally obligated to.
Matt:I don't work in an office anymore, which means when I need printer paper I can't just abscond with a ream from time to time. No, not that I ever did that. Previous employers.
Eric:Midsummer night's ream Not that I ever Recreation for a ream.
Matt:Not that I ever, not that I knew there was a case of extra spare office USB drives that I would occasionally just take some Allegedly Allegedly. This is stuff TMZ reports about me. It's not true.
Eric:This is how I get revenge for being required to have a company phone because oh sure, a fun fact I was. Recently I I requested a new. My my old company phone died years ago and I've been requesting one because I keep getting talkings to like we can't reach you, at like these certain times, like well, I need a new company phone because that's the only way to reach me and you still haven't given me one. Like, oh, we'll work on that. And then they forget and cycle. They finally got me a new one. They gave me Matt, they gave me an iPhone 16. Nice, it is the nicest thing I own. Of course it is.
Matt:I just bought one and it is literally a glorified.
Eric:The only reason I need it is to check emails. That's all I use it for. It's a very expensive email checker, but because of that, because they have enabled me to check my email at any time when I'm at work, that means I could be anywhere. I don't have to be at my desk to answer your email. I can do so much shit on company time now because I can just check my email any goddamn time I want.
Matt:You could. Now, eric, I'm going to caution you from going down there, because you and mobile alerts sometimes struggle. This is true. Just gonna leave that there. Just gonna leave that there. That there's no company time, no less. There's no bit there, there's just me concerned for you, oh yeah I'll be.
Eric:I'll be the first to admit I dog shit at responding to any form of electronic message.
Matt:Eric, literally everyone knows Everyone you've ever encountered. Think of someone you've encountered Not a primary player in your life, not Alyssa, not another housemate, not a family member. Somebody else. Think of them.
Eric:Think of them right now, okay, I see them, they know Good, it just blows my mind because people seem to think I don't know.
Matt:I'm like. No, I'm perfectly aware. Do you ever think about bettering yourself?
Eric:Look, everyone's got their price of admission. Everyone's got their price of admission.
Matt:And what is that? What the fuck does that mean, eric, everyone has.
Eric:Look kids, bring it in. There is no such thing as a human being without negative traits.
Eric:That's true, every single person you ever meet in your life will have something about them that you don't like. Sure, and life is just a matter of navigating. Like it's their price of admission, it's their like okay, I'm going to be around you, I'm going to befriend you and I have to deal with this. I'm going to be around you, I'm going to befriend you and I have to deal with this. And your life will be spent navigating which prices of admissions you're willing to pay, because you're under no obligation to pay it. So that's mine. Mine is. Hey, you know.
Matt:You're a bad communicator.
Eric:I'm bad communicating, I'm bad at replying to messages and of course I want to be better about it.
Matt:But at the same time.
Eric:Let messages, and of course, I want to be better about it, but at the same time, let's talk eric, come on, bring it in, let's talk about it at the same time. What keeps you from it? Mostly the fact that I notice that when, at whenever, I'm feeling most bummed out and like just kind of detached and like not inside of my own life, oh is when I fall. Because I used to be like addicted to my phone. I used to like have the fucking face like to it, like 24 7, and I noticed that coincided with some of the times I just felt the worst. I was like I. As time goes on, I find more and more that I just have nothing but disdain for my fucking phone. Yeah, so it's just like I try my best to just not be on it Like at all.
Matt:Yeah, that certainly scans. I think maybe a happy medium could be found.
Eric:There's definitely a happy medium. I think maybe a happy medium, there's a happy medium.
Matt:We're going to start showing 25 grams of happy medium for this session.
Eric:Okay, Do not go on happy medium if you are dealing with blood clotting issues. Are pregnant or could become pregnant?
Matt:ask your doctor, if happy medium is appropriate for you or if you need full dose of reality um, there's, there's go time, oh, there is go time.
Eric:It's fucking and and and go time is just it's fucking go time go time defies description, I think it truly, because it applies to so many things that are different things. Yes, that are we're about. We're about to get into a fist fight with someone at a bar. It's go time. It's go time. We gotta meet this deadline. It's go time. We're running late. It is go time there.
Matt:There is a level of focus that is related to go time. There's a level of adrenaline that I think is related to go time of locking in, of locking in, but those shapes and flavors are dictated by the context. Yes, that you find yourself in.
Eric:As my dear friend Sebastian once put it born to dilly-dally, forced to lock in, that's go time. That is go time. Go time is the all right lads. It's like we need everyone's focus on this. Let's we got to get on the other side of something that is kind of the essence of go time there's something. We are on one side of something right now. We got to get through this the fuck on the other side cannot dilly dally, it's, it's.
Matt:You work at a bar, in a theater, and it's intermission, it's go time that, like it, is all circumstantial, but you'll know it when you're in it.
Eric:We are we are helping a friend move the truck just pulled up.
Matt:It's good, it's go time. Yeah, the those are. Those are all applicable, except for them. Helping a friend move. We're in our 30s, that time's over over. No, god, no, there's not enough pizza in the world, bob.
Eric:Oh, and you didn't finish packing yet. Oh great.
Matt:No, no, no, no, never again. If somebody were to ever ask me to help them move, I will say sure, here's the company I used. Perhaps they'll be of use to you. So there's that now here's. Here's one that could get hairy. Oh, go on quality time. Oh, there it is. I mean, what, what even is quality time really, you know? Yeah, think about it.
Eric:I'm thinking, uh, tell you this right now. It's not quantity time, that's true. If you're here's my here's never enough of it. There's never. That's the thing. There's never enough of it. And if you find yourself you're like hey, let's spend some quality time together and you find yourself thinking about the quantity of the quality time you've spent so far and whether you're allowed, you're not spending quality time and that's what I and that's a fault of me.
Matt:Like I, lindsey will tell you that like weekends, especially recently, have been a struggle for me because, honestly, my sunday scaries start halfway through saturday these days of like oh my god, the weekend's already gone. The long dark tea time of the soul and when I start saying this to to Lindsay, she's always like why are you thinking about Monday coming when it's Saturday? And I'm like how do you think I feel it's my brain yeah.
Matt:Like I can just pretend I'm not thinking about it, but I'm still thinking about it, still thinking about it, but I'm still thinking about it, still thinking about it, and so but I think but I agree with you that needs to be fought against because it does bring down the quality of the time. Yeah, and then you're not really relaxing, you're not really having a good time, you're pretending to because you're like ooh. And another thing is like I'll be like ooh, I wasted so much of today on what was quality time, like, oh, I got X, y, z to get done, but, ooh, I fell down a Reddit hole and I was reading Reddit for whatever, and I was interested in the subject at the time. But oh my God, now look how much time I've wasted. But then it's like are you taking away the quality that you did have during that time?
Eric:frame I can feel myself in this moment. Right now I'm already budgeting my mental energy for next, for the upcoming week.
Matt:I mean, yes, you have to, you have to, unfortunately, you have to.
Eric:Because where I work is an unending assault on my nervous system and I must have a bulwark against it. You must be fortified, yes, and in doing so I dampen the time that I do have.
Matt:Let us know how you take advantage of quality time and how you control it. What is your quality control for your quality time?
Eric:And let us know how you take advantage of company time. And let us know how you take advantage of company time and let us know how you take your coffee and and what do you sing about during step in time?
Matt:okay, yeah, I thought you had to sing step in time during step in time in order for the lyrics for step in time.
Eric:You notice there's that one part of the song where, like, they start like whatever someone happens to be yelling, they, they, they do like why?
Matt:would you say?
Eric:women stepping time. Votes for women, and then the votes for women stepping time.
Matt:And then the servant comes in. Stepping time's really just for voting for women.
Eric:Ah, and they all go. Ah, stepping time, ah, stepping time, like. There's like a little fill-in-the-blank section.
Matt:Oh, and that's what. And the fill-in-the-blank section is stepping time. That's part of stepping time. I'm saying is that the true stepping time?
Eric:Yes, the true stepping time is when, truly, because that's the moment in the movie where the working class of the chimney sweeps and the elite class of the bankers like his children and their maid and the servants, like they all unite and they're all carrying each other's message. That is stepping time, that is 100% stepping time. Wow.
Matt:Yeah, I've learned something here today and I think the listeners have as well. Yeah, so there's a couple of times for you, joe. Babe, I hope that helps. Our last question for the day comes from Tim, from against all oddities. How you doing, tim? You wrote this on our Discord. Farts are now visible and go.
Eric:Oh, sorry, matt, it's and go. Thank you, eric, just want to show respect to those ends Go. So farts are now visible. This has this. First, I think, there's the initial panic. There's the initial panic.
Matt:Because every you mean from the, the, the from society from society at large.
Eric:Yes, because I'll tell you this what everyone's going to learn very quick your farts take up so much more space than you ever thought they did. Yeah, because most people like mentally, I feel they feel that only the parts you can smell are the fart yeah no, that's not the case, my friends. No, your fart, your fart expands immediately. It hangs low, but then it starts expanding.
Matt:It's a gas, it All of our all, our famous smog cities, LA, LA, they, you know Los Angeles.
Eric:They. Oh, there was the. There was the city from Blade Runner. Oh shit, that was LA.
Matt:Oh also, la Damn, la damn the, you know the famous. Oh, look at the city, smog today. That, or even the fog of, say, a uh san francisco or a seattle, or a may, a portland, maine maybe has fog, I don't know, we're all smoggy.
Eric:Also matt notice that this did not state stipulate that just human farts were visible exactly, and so dairy lands will be on like the, so immediate impacts. Visibility for planes, yeah. Visibility for car cars we're gonna have to get very comfortable with being a fart planet yeah, because suddenly their claim to fame, these smog cities gone.
Matt:every city will will have a fart, smog around it Will there be different visual flavors of farts.
Eric:You know what I mean Like. Will some people have like one hue, or will be like a gradient that we all share. Depending on the mood, Will I be able to be like man? What'd you eat? Just been looking at you.
Matt:I mean, but you said the initial panic. Yeah, what happens after the initial panic?
Eric:After the initial panic, human beings do what we are best at we meme it and we culture-ify it. We immediately start creating unspoken and spoken etiquette.
Matt:Yes, I think adapt would be a good way to put that. We adapt, uh, we do um, I feel like there will evolve we will meet one of the things.
Eric:We'll stop calling them farts.
Matt:They'll get a new name they'll get some new name and your point about the dairy lands are important because I think the the cows we already know are a big contributor to climate change. We know this.
Eric:Oh, one of the biggest. It's also why fun fact, most of the people listening to this probably already know this but for every politician hemming and hawing about climate change and how much they care about it, you'll notice they never even touch one of the largest contributors of it on our planet, which is modern-day cow farming agriculture. And they'll never touch that because the farmers voting base they would be destroyed in any primary that they even hinted that they would want to go after that. So just remember that that's a huge problem and we are not dealing with it.
Matt:There you go, folks. Eric doesn't care about the farmers go folks.
Eric:Eric doesn't care about the farmers. The all I care about farmers.
Matt:I couldn't give two shits about the corporations that own them. All right, eric, settle down the uh, sorry, uh. What I was going to drive to was there'll be so much smog now in the middle of the country. They can't be upset about calling it flyover country now, because I mean, how else are you going to get through all that farts? Yeah.
Eric:And and you're now going to, that's the point.
Matt:That's what I wanted to say. That's a very I tried to make a joke on the comedy show. You wanted to talk about farming corporations.
Eric:I'm out here. Sorry bro, I'm still in step in time. I need to lock in. You need to step off and step down. I need to understand that it is not stepping time, it is go time for jokes, it's joke time, so give us one right now.
Matt:Okay, joke with me.
Eric:Two fish are sitting in a tank. One fish turns to the other fish and says all right, you drive, I'll man the gun.
Matt:I thought maybe they're in a tank.
Eric:I thought maybe it'd be related to the to the question. Oh, all right, not just a random joke. Two, two cows are sitting in a tank.
Matt:One cow turns the other one and says, oh my god what grasshopper walks into a bar, orders a drink and the bartender says hey, we got a drink named after you. And the grasshopper said you have a drink named irving very good, very good, uh, stole that from dean martin.
Eric:Two blind guys walk into a bar. Third one ducked, uh classic.
Matt:I've said it before on this, but I'm gonna say my favorite theater joke uh of all it's very theatery, but I'm going to say it anyway. It's my favorite actor joke. Actor walks into a bar, turns to the stage manager and says hey, can we get some glow tape on this thing?
Eric:Oh, that's very good. Oh, how many lighting texts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Matt:Oh, you've told this one on the show before. I should remember it. I'm going to say three.
Eric:It's called a lamp, got him.
Matt:Hell yeah.
Eric:Yeah, yeah, love that. So visible farts it's going to make it. Oh, dude, the impact to theater is going like movie theaters, theater, theater.
Matt:Oh God, eric, how are you going to see anything?
Eric:like we're going to have. We're going to see immediate investment into HEPA filters and like just air filtration systems in general. People, we're going to start wearing the fart equivalent of the still suit from Dune.
Matt:I think it could be, and beyond theaters, I think that's just gonna be all indoor spaces. Air quality might take a sharp uptick in in quality.
Eric:Humans will just stop because when we're forced to look at what we're doing in real time, we hate it. We hate it and we will have to deal with it.
Matt:Farts will lead to cleaner air.
Eric:Holy shit. Yeah, no, this is how we reach utopia, because we start becoming immediately invested in cleaning air and air quality. Because, hey, now it's personally affecting us. Who knew it worked like that? There will also be fart artists who can?
Matt:make living sculptures, momentary sculptures, out of their farts.
Eric:Yes, I could do that I could be a fartist, you yes uh, I could do that.
Matt:I could be a fartist, you could be a fartist, I could be a fartist, a fartist, I could be a fartist 100.
Eric:Call me the fartist, I'm not gassing you up. You could be there. It is good, god, he's good, there it is. I think there would be. It would immediately become fetishists everywhere. Would would would rejoice. There'd be a whole, a whole new generation of dirty, dirty perverts Shout out oh yes, there would be. Rich people would find a way to make theirs like. It's the caviar problem. We started eating caviar because poor folks really wanted to get the most out of every inch of fish. So they eat everything. They boil the bones for stock, they, they eat the, the organ is that really the history of caviar?
Eric:well, that's the history of most like like, most like like. High art food and shit is usually stuff that poor people were already eating because they needed to. They were like we're gonna eat all of the animal because we need to, and then rich folk and because you get, like I thought it was because it was difficult to obtain and that's why it's expensive, and the expensive makes it it's difficult to obtain.
Matt:Also, caviar is fucking good.
Eric:That's one of these that, like it's, it's worth its that's the other thing is because poor people always had to spend most of history having to cook like the unwanted parts of the animal. They got really good at making shit tasty, so like for the. How difficult it is. It is difficult to get caviar, because for an entire beluga sturgeon you get maybe like a cup of caviar, so like it's like you get like dozens of pounds of meat off of the thing, but you maybe get like a handful of these eggs and the poor folks were like, yeah, we'll fucking eat that. And then the rich folks were like, oh, we'll take that and we'll start harvesting entire sturgeons just for that handful of of shit that you were eating. That's where the problem comes in. It's like an artificial scarcity, because it never had to be scarce to begin with it.
Eric:It was just that that was the extra part of it eric is feeling particularly sorry today sorry, let me put away my, my chimney sweep broom, let me take off my no, I'm, I'm.
Matt:I'm not shaming you at all, I'm just saying you are after it today it's like ox it bro.
Eric:It's like oxtails. Oxtails were the part of the, the, the the cow that like would get, would nobody wanted to buy. Because they thought like, oh, just like an ox tail. But everyone who like butchers and shit, who like knew what they were doing, were like, oh no, oxtail is actually like fucking delicious and it's dirt cheap. Then all the fucking, then everybody found out about it. Now oxtails are expensive as shit. That's what happened to caviar.
Matt:I like caviar, it's good.
Eric:You've had caviar, I've never had, I've never had. I've had Okay, I've had row on sushi.
Matt:There's no way you haven't had it.
Eric:I was going to say there's no way you haven't had a dish but I haven't had like a spoon of like yeah like of of the stuff that comes in the like where they open the can at my fucking table.
Matt:Well, it's fucking delicious. You should definitely do it Also. That isn't something that usually happens too much. It's usually a topper, it's like a seasoning that you put on top of something. That's when you normally encounter caviar.
Eric:I always thought, like they eat it off like little crackers or spoons. That's what I mean.
Matt:Like you'd put some on a cracker with maybe a nice salted meat on there as well. God, I'm getting hungry. Caviar One of my favorite Frasier episodes yes, go on. It involves. I think there's a caviar shortage or there's some sort.
Eric:Oh, is this the one where they're all fighting over this can of caviar that someone squirreled away?
Matt:Well, kind of. I thought you said you'd never seen frazier it's been, bro.
Eric:I grew up in a household where, like it would be on the tv in the background occasionally and it has no way to respect or or indeed consume, frazier.
Matt:No, the episode I'm talking about in particular is frazier and niles begin doling out caviar to some people and then everybody wants caviar and so they. The whole episode is them becoming drug dealers of caviar. And it is the fun like they're meeting people in alleys to deliver like a can of caviar. It's the funniest. It's one of my all time favorite.
Eric:Cutting open a. Cutting open a can and tasting it off a knife.
Matt:Oh yeah, a hundred. That whole shot takes place Like there is, it's one of my all-time favorite Cutting open a can and tasting it off a knife. That whole shot takes place, amazing. There is a scene where somebody's like it's pure, there's a whole thing, it's the whole episode, it's delightful, nice, visible farts. I don't know. I think we got it, it will both benefit and destroy the planet. It will change society forever, but for the good, yes.
Eric:There's no downside. There's no downside. Make farts visible today.
Matt:Thank God you ended that the way you did because I got triggered by the first couple of words. Honestly, just make farts Immediately that got me my blood pressure spiked.
Eric:Oh yeah, no, no, no, no, no.
Matt:And with that I think it's time to move on to our pop quiz. Pop me baby, but really Eric.
Eric:It's me daddy.
Matt:Really, eric. It's your pop quiz that we're talking about.
Eric:I love them because they're bespoke, Eric this pop quiz is very simple. It's called Chestnut or Chestnut. Oh, I love this immediately.
Matt:Oh, I love this. Immediately In front of me, eric, sit 20 world records of competitive eating. I am going to give one to you and you are simply going to tell me if the holder of this world record is Joey Chestnutnut or someone else? Oh my incredible, uh yeah fucking chestnut or chestnut, oh my god now. So what you are guessing?
Eric:just to be clear is if this is joey chestnut or not is if it is a record held by joey chestnut.
Matt:Okay, the, but I'm gonna make it just a little bit more fun and this one doesn't count. But I think what I'll do is I'll tell you what it is and the amount of time, and you tell me, you give me a guess, just for funsies, of how many of those things you think were consumed. Okay, you follow me uh, oh yeah.
Eric:So what the food was being eaten, what the the time of the record is and how many they got, like I'm guessing how many of that? You?
Matt:guess how many, and then you're gonna get. I'm gonna tell you what it really is, and then you're gonna tell me if it's joey chestnut or not, and that's what gets you points, not, not the, not the counting the jelly beans in a jar portion. That that's just for fun. That's just for fun. Now I want to give you a base, eric. I want to give you something to work off of.
Eric:I need a baseline.
Matt:I'm going to give you Joey Chestnut's hot dog numbers. Okay, okay, joey Chestnut technically does hold the world record for hot dogs. Well, he's beaten it himself several times over. Well, he's beaten it himself several times over.
Eric:It was set during the Netflix special Chestnut vs Kobayashi Unfinished Beef that came out last year Because Kobayashi was the dude for a long time.
Matt:Until Chestnut came along. Until Chestnut came along, he consumed 83 hot dogs during Chestnut and kobayashi. Okay, in 10 minutes. Okay, that comes with specific rules for the two of them. The dog and bun must be kept together and you cannot dip it in water. These are two, uh, common things of other other challenges and his record for the nathan's famous hot dogs is 76 so that's your base.
Eric:Okay, 76 in 10 minutes. In 10 minutes. That's his nathan's famous bit.
Matt:Okay, all right, all right. So that's just to, just to get a base, so these numbers are kosher those are kosher numbers eggs. This is your first one eggs eight minutes. What is the world record for eggs in eight minutes?
Eric:hard-boiled, hard-boiled eggs. Okay, oh man, that can go fast. I'm gonna say a baker's dozen, I'm gonna say a hundred, and is that a hundred? And what is that a hundred?
Matt:and I'm gonna say 120 eggs 120 eggs is, by the way, way more than a baker's dozen. What's?
Eric:a baker's. Oh sorry, oh, I was thinking of a gross. I was thinking of a gross of eggs.
Matt:I was like what the hell are you talking?
Eric:about. I'll dial it in. I'll say 120 eggs in eight minutes.
Matt:Eric, you are impressively close. The record is 141 hard-boiled eggs in eight minutes. Is that record held by Joey Chestnut? I'm going to say Chestnut Chestnut. Is what you're saying Incorrect? It's held by Joey Chestnut 141 hard-boiled eggs in eight minutes.
Eric:I often forget too that Joey Chestnut is just a competitive eater, so that he doesn't just do hot dogs. I often forget too that Joey chest not is just, is just a competitive eater, so like that he doesn't just do hot dogs. I forget that often.
Matt:I will say that most of these I took from his bib sheet on major league eatingcom Nice, which is just a site I want you to know about existing Poutine. No, no, no, no. You can't go there now. I heard you typing.
Eric:I just I was like will he? Will he react if I you cheating son of a?
Matt:bitch poutine. Oh, this was oh. And for some of these I do have locations. These this was set at smokes poutinery poutine. Okay, uh, in 10 minutes.
Eric:Now for this. I understand. Are we going by the pound of poutine?
Matt:I'll cut right to the chase. This is measured in pounds.
Eric:Okay, I'm going to say Hold on. I'm visualizing One honest-to-God red-blooded Canadian serving of poutine should weigh, I feel, like half a pound at least. Okay, so I'm going to say and this is in how many minutes? 10. 10 minutes. I'm going to say 15 pounds of poutine in 10 minutes, oh, eric you're a little short on this one.
Matt:The world record for poutine in 10 minutes is 28 pounds.
Eric:I'm going to say that's a chestnut.
Matt:And it is a chestnut. Yes, he does Eric. Very good, very good, he is a marvel. Alright, so you're one for two.
Eric:Oh, and just to clarify, these are all actual records, but some of them just aren't.
Matt:I want to be perfectly clear.
Eric:You didn't make up any of these.
Matt:I did not make up any numbers. I didn't make up any of these. I did not make up any numbers. I didn't make up any incredible things. These are all actual sorry, perfectly credible.
Eric:It's only incredible if I can't believe it. But this is matters of record. Bologna slices.
Matt:Oh man, this is slices of bologna yep at the ultimate bologna showdown. Oh yeah, eight minutes, eight minutes. Slices of bologna Yep At the ultimate bologna showdown? Oh yeah.
Eric:Eight minutes. Eight minutes Slices of bologna.
Matt:Now this I also have measured in pounds. In pounds, oh Jesus. So it's really more sliced bologna than it is number of slices. Okay, it's bologna sliced, if you will.
Eric:Yes, yes, I'm going to say 45 pounds of bologna, oh Eric.
Matt:I appreciate your enthusiasm, but you really overshot this one. It's 15.75 pounds of bologna slices in eight minutes. That's still a fucking lot of meat. Chestnut Chestnut, eric. No, it is a chestnut. It is a chestnut, eric. No, it is a chestnut, it is a chestnut. He holds that one too damn. He's so much more than hot dogs, eric. He contains multitudes craft cheese. This was set in three minutes three minutes.
Eric:Yes, craft american cheese slices. Craft american cheese, is it?
Matt:how many slices? How many slices. This one is. How many slices I'm gonna say I'm gonna say in three minutes.
Eric:Did they have to eat each slice individually, or could they?
Matt:tell you what eric. I don't have the details, but I think it was by the slice by the slice three minutes craft american cheese I would assume it's by the slice.
Eric:I'm gonna say 150 cheese slices in three minutes.
Matt:That's very interesting. What I found by this is okay. For this one in particular, I'd like to first see if it's chestnut or chestnut. I'm going to say chestnut, it is chestnut. This was actually set by two people and they only did 46 slices in three minutes. It was set by Nader Rita and Matt Cohen.
Eric:Okay.
Matt:So congratulations you two. And you said chestnuts, so you do not get the points for this Damn. So we are through four. You are two for four. You're batting 500. Okay, Not too bad, perfectly average. Twinkies, twinkies, twinkies. This world record was set at Bally's Casino in Tanika in six minutes.
Eric:In six minutes, I'm going to say in six minutes, the record holder glugged 53.
Matt:53, Eric 53 is wrong.
Eric:Damn damn, it's 121 jesus, 121 twinkies in six minutes. Eric, that is so now tell me chestnut, chestnut. You goddamn right, it's chestnut. Yeah, it's chestnut. Oh, obviously Joey Chestnut ate 121 Twinkies in six minutes he is the final word on Cylinder Foods. All right, how do you feel about peeps? Do you want to know how I feel about peeps? Briefly, eric, keep it brief. Briefly, fucking hate them. They're an insult to marshmallow Jesus.
Matt:Christ, okay, it's marshmallow dusted, and I have absolutely no respect for what you just said. Yeah, and you either. We're still going to do this record, though it was set at National Harbor, maryland.
Eric:In five minutes. Five minutes, I'm going to say 200 peeps, and it is Joey Chestnut.
Matt:Eric, I'm impressed with you. The record is 255 peeps. Nice In five minutes. But it is not Joey Chestnut, damn it. No, it is Matt Stoney, matt Stoney. Matt Stoney holds the records for that. Yes, I'm afraid. So Now let's talk about heroes, or gyros, in the American pronunciation.
Eric:Oh yeah, gyros. Sorry, this is for Alex Caflex kafirakis, who is the person who taught me gyro. Yeah sure heroes, heroes which I found, or gyros in greece they're actually made from pork and not the the lamb, the lamb cone well, there's, there's both you can get pork. The pork is traditional. It's very good. Good Heroes, heroes, in how much time they are eight-ounce heroes, that's barely a hero.
Matt:It was 10 minutes. I'm going to say, and it was set at Nico, nico's Heroes, if that helps you.
Eric:They're eight-ounce heroes. In how many minutes? Again, 10. 10? I'm going to say 15 heroes, 30.
Matt:Wow, I'm gonna say 15 euros, 30, 38 ounce heroes in 10 minutes. Now, who ate it? Joey justin, and yes, he did, yes, he did. He cannot be stopped. God, I'm impressed by this man. Now, this one is a little local for me, my friend. Oh, is this lancaster? Yes, shoe fly pie. Oh, damn, eric, what do you, do you know about shoe fly?
Eric:oh, I fucking love shoe fly pie and I'll tell you this for goddamn sure, for anyone who's ever eaten shoe fly pie as not a food I would want to fucking competitively. That is a dense pie shoe fly pie a slice of that.
Matt:I'm down for the count shoe fly pie is essentially nothing but molasses in a crust. Yeah, it's delicious, but that's what it is. Yeah, it was set at Rockville Outlets in Pennsylvania. Of course, it was eight minutes. Who said it?
Eric:I'm going to say First of all how much.
Matt:I'm going to say eight shoofly pies. Okay, eric, that could be correct. What I've got here is pounds, so tell me how many pounds of shoe fly pie.
Eric:Oh, my God, I'm going to say, I'm going to say are these standard pie size, shoe fly pies?
Matt:Let us assume.
Eric:Okay, I'm going to say then gonna say than 12 pounds of shoofly pie it's 11.1 pounds. Yeah, really good for you, really bad for the person who oh, that I, because I don't know how you have 11 pounds of molasses in you and continue to live I'm gonna answer with a with a qualification chest, not because joey chestnut, I feel, understands that his body is his instrument and takes care of it. 12 pounds of fucking shoofly pie, no one should do that.
Matt:I do not know that that is true about Joey Chestnut, but I do know that it's true that it was not him. It was Patrick Bertolli. Patrick Bertolli, bertolletti, bertolletti, patrick Bertolletti.
Eric:I ate the shoofly pie, just like my mama used to make.
Matt:Jalapeno poppers 10 minutes, 10 minutes of jalapeno poppers I fucking love jalapeno poppers.
Eric:I'm going to say in 10 minutes I'm going to say 160. No, I'm going to say 212 jalapeno poppers in that, in that amount of time it's 118 okay, 118 jalapeno poppers in 10 minutes.
Matt:It was set at the university of arizona. But who said?
Eric:it. I think I'm I'm about to chest nut and that is my answer chestnut pop off king.
Matt:it's a chestnut, it is one nut nut nut. It is one of his records. Let's go on to your 10th question. Okay, Taco Bell tacos. They are soft shells. Taco Bell tacos in 10 minutes.
Eric:That makes it worse. In 10 minutes, Taco.
Matt:Bell 10 minutes.
Eric:I'm going to say they're soft beef tacos. I'm going to say 87. It's 53. And it is chestnut, it is.
Matt:Joey Chestnut. He ate 53 soft beef tacos from Taco Bell in 10 minutes. Eric Funnel cake 10 minutes.
Eric:King's Dominion Pound Pounds Standard funnel cake size a plate of, I'm gonna say, 13 pounds of funnel cake.
Matt:I wish it's 5.9 it's 5.9 pounds in 10 minutes to be eating.
Eric:It's very heavy.
Matt:I'm gonna say chestnut chestnut nope, it's the king himself. Chestnut. Ate almost six pounds of funnel cake in 10 minutes.
Eric:Can't be stopped.
Matt:He cannot be stopped, but perhaps he could be stopped by glazed donuts in eight minutes.
Eric:Glazed donuts. In eight minutes, I'm going to say 130.
Matt:130. You almost doubled it, it's 70.
Eric:70 glazed donuts. I'm going to say it is chestnut.
Matt:And you would be correct it's James Webb.
Eric:Yeah, james Webb Of the telescope.
Matt:Of the telescope.
Eric:Yes, the telescope is the second thing he's most famous for All right, eric.
Matt:Yeah, matzo balls. Ooh, baseball-sized matzo balls, baseball sized. Yeah, that's good, matzo balls. That's good it was. It was set in the odd time frame of five minutes and 25 seconds matzo balls.
Eric:Five minutes, 25 seconds. I'm gonna say two dozen, two dozen two dozen 24.
Matt:Thank you, given the baker's dozen, I'm glad you clarified yeah, that's why I clarified.
Eric:I'm gonna say it is a chestnut you were dangerously close.
Matt:It is 21. But it was not joey chestnut, no, it was eric badlands booker.
Eric:Oh, man don't ask him how he got that name come on now.
Matt:How do you feel about shrimp? Wontons?
Eric:oh like okay minutes.
Matt:Shrimp wontons eight minutes it was at the cp biggest eater competition I'm gonna say 63, and it was joey chestnut you got the thing that matters correct. It is joey chestnut. But you did my boy dirty. Oh man, he did like 200, didn't? He 390 shrimp wontons in eight minutes. Oh my god, 390 shrimp wontons, oh my ran god now this one eric, I picked out just for you because he has over 50 world records yeah, so I.
Matt:We will never see his like again I wanted a breath and shrimp wontons I felt like was one of those that were like I was pulling from, from the the periphery. You know, yeah, it's not. It's not hot dogs, it's not donuts. No, all right. But, eric, I know you like gumbo I fucking love gumbo I know this because we both, we both, I feel like we both loved gumbo. We fell in love with gumbo at the same time, when a friend of ours was making it.
Matt:Gumbo Eric 8 minutes and it is at world record. Gumbo, is this gallons, eric? For you, I've got gallon and pound measurements.
Eric:I'm going to go off gallons.
Matt:Okay.
Eric:I'm going to say and a half gallons.
Matt:Okay, joey chestnut it is 1.875 gallons, or, put another way, 15 pounds. The person in question consumed 15, 16 ounce bowls. Damn, and that person was joey chestnut eric, you get the points. Pastrami sandwiches how many half pastrami sandwiches, okay, were consumed in 10 minutes to set the world record. And yes, it's at cat's delicatessen in new york city I was.
Eric:I was gonna say I was like are these proper pastrami sandwiches?
Matt:where the bread is an afterthought. These are proper cats pastrami sandwiches how many in 10 minutes?
Eric:how many half sandwiches in 10 minutes? Oh, I'm gonna say how many half sandwiches, I'm gonna say from cats from cats.
Matt:I'm gonna say for For those who might not be confused, you should give it a quick Google. They are high, they are the signature item from Cats Delicatessen. Yeah.
Eric:I'm going to say 15 of them.
Matt:It's 25 half sandwiches in 10 minutes.
Eric:And I'm going to say it was Joey Chestnut.
Matt:You would think it's Joey Chestnut. And it is yeah, and it is yeah, and it is. Let's go off the beaten path just a little bit. Okay, bring me in Cow brains. Ooh, how many cow brains I have, both the number of brains and the poundage. Oh God, in 15 minutes.
Eric:I'm going to say 23 pounds of cow brain and I'm going to say it was Joey Chestnut.
Matt:You were not very far away in terms of pounds, 57 cow brains made the record, 17.7 pounds, and this is a Kobayashi. Ah, I got it. Yeah, yes, you do get it. It is a Kobayashi world record, not a Joey Chestnut. Let's talk about pierogies. Okay, pierogies, how many in eight minutes?
Eric:Oh, in eight minutes. I'm going to say 36 in eight minutes and I'm going to say it is a chestnut.
Matt:It is a chestnut, damn. And it is 165, eric, oh my God, 165, eric, oh my god. 165 pierogies in eight minutes, my god, what a god. But you don't get it right. Philly cheese steaks oh, now we're talking Six inch sandwiches. It was set at Dorney Park. Ten minutes Was this in Philly? Yes, that's a Pennsylvania amusement park, johnny Park. Okay.
Eric:I'm going to say 37. Okay, and I'm going to say Joey Chestnut, it's 23,. Eric.
Matt:It's 23,. Overshot a little bit. Some might say mouth is bigger than your stomach. 23, and it was eaten by Joey Chestnut. Very good, eric and Eric. The time's flown by. We're at our final question. Pancakes, oh man, flap Jacks, if you will. Yeah, these were wild eggs. Pancakes, 10 minutes.
Eric:I need to know are you able to give me any idea of the size of each individual Jack? Yes, actually.
Matt:I was just going to say. I do have a note that the pancake seems to be written down as 3.25 ounces.
Eric:I'm going to say so. That's probably about like a six inch pancake. I'm going to say in 10 minutes, 10 minutes. I'm going to say 111.
Matt:50. Only 50. Only 50. A reasonable 50. I'm going to gonna say, just not eric. You end on a high note. It's patrick bertoletti. Yet again, the bertoletti strikes. Again.
Matt:The bertoletti strikes once more pretty good eric, you didn't just do pretty good, you got 15 out of 20. My guy oh yeah, very good, eric, this might be your most successful has to be uh quiz so far. But hey, you know what I said? He's got 50 records. I did, I, I didn't. I. The most of these, as you correctly assumed, are joey chestnut's records, but uh, there's plenty more to choose from.
Eric:Perhaps this is a pop quiz that could come back around, oh, when we inevitably have Joey Chestnut as a guest on our show, when we, finally, when he answers my calls.
Matt:If you know Joey Chestnut, if you have seen him, if you know he's there, send him to us If you are a representative of Joey Chestnut or, in fact, any major league eater, I would like to talk to your client If you or anyone you know has been a victim of Joey Chestnut. No one has been a victim of Joey Chestnut, except for the parts of the animals that are involved in things he eats.
Eric:Or except for the Nathan's Hot Dog marketing team, who he absolutely bodied when he called their bluff. Yes 100% God. We salute you, joey chestnut.
Matt:We salute you on this podcast, joey, chestnut and eric. I just want you to know I've been sitting on chestnut or chestnut in my ideas list for months, matt if I can just say for months I've had this idea and it's just been waiting for me to execute top, top to bottom, immaculate the subject, the format, the scoring system of chestnut or chestnut 10 out of 10, no notes.
Eric:Thank you, Beautiful.
Matt:I appreciate that and I appreciate you. I appreciate you, I appreciate your friendship.
Eric:And I appreciate us.
Matt:And I appreciate you, dear listener, for listening to this show, but I think that'll about do it. That'll about do it For this episode of you Didn't Ask For this. Listen, we do need your questions. We need them quite desperately. They are the lifeblood of this show, after all they are. You can send them to us at youdidntaskforthis or gmailcom, or find us on the various socials, mainly Instagram, at you Didn't Ask Pod. That's the letter. You Didn't Ask Pod, although these days we're getting a lot of questions on the Discord. Real quick, eric. How and why might a person want to be on our Discord?
Eric:Fine, you Didn't Ask for this on Patreon. For one measly dollar a month, you get access to the discord, where the vibes, I must say, are immaculate. Uh, for four american us dollars a month barely enough for a nathan's hot dog, barely in this economy you get access to the discord. You get monthly bonus content in the form of Oops, all Tangents. Oh yeah, you took that a direction. Yeah.
Matt:I made a choice. I love it Strong and wrong that's what they call me.
Eric:Oops, all Tangents, monthly bonus content and you get 20% off of all your daft merchandise Come the fuck on.
Matt:Come the fuck on to patreoncom slash. You didn't ask for this. Or just get some merch for yourself without that snazzy discount at. You didn't ask for this dot com slash shop Still working on the website, don't worry, it's coming. But the shop is open for business. Get in there, get in there, get a mug, get a sweatshirt, get something. Anything, any old thing. We might have more merch coming soon. Who can say? You don't know, who knows, perhaps something might be changing. Ooh, just a little teaser for you to chew on. But for all of us here, you didn't ask for this. My name's Matthew Shea, my name's Eric Poach. You didn't ask for this. My name's Matthew Shea, my name's Eric Poach. And listen, you didn't ask.
Eric:But at the end of the day, mary Poppins isn't just a story about a family. It's a story about breaking down barriers between the classes. Because we see within the struggle of Mr Banks he's not only struggling as a father, he's struggling as a cog within the machine of capitalism. Because you'd see him and you'd see his life and you'd think. You know he's well off, he can afford a lovely townhome, he can afford to employ servants and a nanny is just. You know, he's just another neck under the boot of the bankers of the financial institutions that uphold our capitalist society and demand that it must go on.
Eric:I encourage you all today go home, gather your loved ones, watch Mary Poppins and then go out and find, like an Edwardian English, bobby, and kick him in the teeth.
Matt:You know, they do just have Bobbies.
Eric:There are still cops over there, yeah but I prefer to encourage crimes that are more metaphysical in nature.
Matt:I don't know how to joke my way out of this. I don't know how to joke this vibe away.
Eric:Joke the vibe away stepping time. Joke the vibe away stepping time. Joke the vibe away stepping time.
Matt:Stepping time. Joke the vibe away. Stepping time, Joke the vibe away. Stepping time. Stepping time, Eric. Ruin the show. Oh, Ah you.