You Didn't Ask For This
You Didn't Ask For This
117 | Chock Full of Dicks
Sometimes a question is so specific...that it takes us a whole episode. Such was the case of building a baseball team from non-baseball-playing movie characters. Then: Google Gripes round two begins!
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Matt, I want to discuss something that, as a person with a, you know.
Speaker 2:Tall frame no Bowel problem.
Speaker 1:No, I got. Curly hair Nope.
Speaker 2:Lower Bent penis Toes that curl into an S.
Speaker 1:As a person of the penis to persuasion Unwashed calves.
Speaker 2:Yes, oh, so it is about the penis.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, tell me about that gore to yours, that gore.
Speaker 1:Oh man, what a wild subject for today's episode. You know the struggles Of the penis.
Speaker 3:Yes.
Speaker 2:I'm familiar with some of them, yeah.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah.
Speaker 1:Have you ever like woken up and you really it's a natural part of growing up.
Speaker 3:Eric, you know those white spots.
Speaker 2:They happen to everyone, matthew I'm just trying to derail your cold opener from the start, huh all right, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry yeah, um, I've woken up I have truly.
Speaker 1:yes, I love that. I love that you just call it a penis, I don't what do you call it? Wait, what do you call it?
Speaker 2:Like on the daily. Well, yeah, my penis is a name. If that's what you're after, Okay, first I want to know. I don't address it as such normally.
Speaker 1:What is its name and what do you call it? Polythymus, polythymus.
Speaker 2:Wait, do you understand polythemus? No, is that a god or is that a philosopher, polythemus?
Speaker 1:is the cyclops from the odyssey. Okay, yep, yep, just brushing sheep yes, truly with the one-eyed monster, if you will so that's so that. Okay, so that's so, that's. But like in your day-to-day when you're referring to one yeah, the the old, wait a minute.
Speaker 2:hold on To one, not my own, your own or another. I mean, I don't think there's one universal way that I do it. My dick, my penis, my John Thomas my trouser snake Nope, all I needed.
Speaker 1:Okay. So, matt, we did it at seven minutes 23 seconds remaining. So let me clue you in on what's happening. Alyssa and I were having a discussion late at night. We were both in our cups air quotes yeah sure, delinquents. And Alyssa was fucking certain. Alyssa had an idea in her mind about Matt Shea. Oh my God.
Speaker 2:That that you said you had a cold open you were passionate about, and it's just about shaming me.
Speaker 1:No, no, no, no, no, no. Matthew, I am a paladin who stands in your defense.
Speaker 2:Yeah, all right, alyssa was convinced With that in mind continue.
Speaker 1:We were talking about what a good boy you are and I can't remember how the subject of of of talking about my schlong genitalia on the show that but alissa's convinced that you would never, on the show, refer to an anatomical penis as a dick. Why is like I just don't see him do it, and that's what I said that's what you call it I'm pretty sure he's done that a hundred times. She was like name one dicks pulled out.
Speaker 2:The dick couldn't help but notice your dicks. Have back off my dick. Elliot lee and his giant dick love dick. This plant rang back the dicks. Red hot dick sucking lips, 15 swinging dicks getting together for a film I love dick. The plant. Cut your dick off, eric. Yeah, alissa, that's just since episode 100 now I was like alissa.
Speaker 1:I can't even tell you what I talked about on the last episode alissa's out of school.
Speaker 2:On this one, why would I not talk about my dick as my dick?
Speaker 1:matt. It devolved into a. I was like this is gonna be a cold open. I'm gonna get him to say the word dick on the podcast. Um, but then we had. We spent like a half an hour laying down ground rules. I have a document open right now. Uh, here is the cold open note get mac to say the word dick in reference to talking about literal anatomical dicks, because alissa is convinced that matt would never do that on an episode of the podcast. Here are the rules. Rule one direct quote no fuckery. And you know what that means I mean eric.
Speaker 2:You do know what that means so I.
Speaker 1:So it's like I have to get you to say it organically to quote. It cannot be a movie quote, so let's just get ahead of that right now. Great rule three must be in regards to an anatomical penis, so it can't be like oh yeah, that guy's a dick for quote. And here's the other thing. I going to give you a piece of paper and an envelope and you're going to read it. If you can't get him to do this within the first ten minutes of the show, it was within three minutes. Yeah, I did great as far as like from the top of the cold open. I did it in like two minutes.
Speaker 2:You did it very quickly, because of course, you did. That's what you refer to, a penis, as. Yeah it was like there's no world in which Matt has not referred to a dick as a dick. I would say just for Alyssa's own, I'm going to say embarrassment. I would say 90% of the time when I reference my penis in and around my home, I would say my dick.
Speaker 3:And you've said it so many times on this podcast.
Speaker 1:I'm sure I have, I'm positive that I have. That's what blew my mind. I was like Alyssa.
Speaker 2:So Alyssa doesn't listen to the show. You're telling me the person who's been in this whole thing, alyssa, don't out yourself as someone who doesn't listen to the show. I can't handle that. I can't handle that. I can't handle that pressure.
Speaker 1:It's, it's truly. I will say this in Alyssa's defense. It's truly, because you don't have to by the way.
Speaker 2:I know you're romantically linked, but you can let her embarrassment fester.
Speaker 1:No, no, no. This is the meme right now where, like she's like the the noble, being like pelted by rocks and tomatoes, I'm like holding up my shield to defend her.
Speaker 2:yeah, let that shield down is what I'm saying. Let my rocks through, uh, my rocks something I could call my balls, by the way there uh, alissa if you want to know this, this was a discussion in reference.
Speaker 1:We were talking about how good you are, how pure you are, thank you and and last 30 seconds may be exempted yeah, yeah, but but that, but like.
Speaker 1:That's why I came to your defense. I was like Matt's a dirty boy, matt's pure, but he's like nasty. He talk, he say dick. I say all the words. But, matt, I do want to circle back to this rule Number four. I'm just repeat it. Here's the other thing. This is what Alyssa said. She said I'm going to give you a piece of paper and an envelope and you're going to read it if you can't do this within the first 10 minutes of the show.
Speaker 2:So I obviously want to hear what this piece of paper has to say I, I, I would do two things.
Speaker 1:One I did it, so I ain't gotta read shit no, you don't she didn't give me the piece of paper, also to her credit. She probably didn't know I was going to do this cold open today, but I have avoided embarrassment uh yet again, thank god.
Speaker 1:Skin of your teeth rule, not which rule 4b uh I get something, I think if I well, this is, this is an addendum to the to the I have to read whatever uh 4b. So I am delighted to announce that alissa named those terms and then I named my terms, which generated rule number five. You don't have to do this After I said what I would get to do if I won.
Speaker 2:So what were your terms? Because you definitely won.
Speaker 1:I won. I knocked it out of the park, I pointed to the stands. I was like that dick right there. My terms are simple. If I did it which there was never a doubt in the fucking universe that I would I'm going to go to the discord and I'm going to post one of my favorite pictures of Alyssa on Earth. She is like eight or nine years old and wearing a bear costume and it's super precious and she hates that picture.
Speaker 2:You get to post that once this episode airs.
Speaker 1:Yes, once this episode airs I will be posting alissa dressed up as an adorable little bear head to the discord right now. Uh, yeah, so that that's in conclusion. Matt will say dick on the show I win. I am the winner, winner, chicken dinner and I'm going to post a picture of my girlfriend. I cannot wait to see it. It's so, it's so. It's like when you think of pictures, mom pulls out. It's like prom night and mom sharing pictures with your date. This is right.
Speaker 2:Here's my precious little teddy bear.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's mine there she is, so yeah uh, welcome to the show.
Speaker 2:Pull up a. This, the podcast that answers life's least pressing questions. My name is Matthew Shea. My dick's name, polyphemus, from the Odyssey.
Speaker 1:My name is Eric Poach. My dick's name is no One.
Speaker 2:No One. Is that really it? Or are you just saying you didn't name your dick, which I don't believe for a minute?
Speaker 1:No One has lain me.
Speaker 2:No One has lain you. That's what they say.
Speaker 1:No One has sexed me into traction.
Speaker 2:Are you admitting something terrible? What's happening? No, no Attraction. Are you admitting?
Speaker 1:something terrible. What's happening? No, no, I'm saying because my dick is named no one when someone's like bragging about like awesome awesome dick stuff that my dick did.
Speaker 3:They'll be like no one has, oh, no one so it's an anonymous, it's an identity protection.
Speaker 1:Yes, it's a reverse humble brag. It's where there's humble bragging about my dick, but no one will know it's mine I see what so I could just watch from the shadows and go. Ah, yes, good, good very good.
Speaker 2:Yes, this is without a doubt the straightest beginning to this uh show we've ever done, I think.
Speaker 1:Yes, the most heteronormative or the gayest One of the two. God, I hope it's the second one. It's on the bingo card 2025, bisexual as fuck.
Speaker 2:It is truly, and so far this episode's checking all them boxes.
Speaker 1:Oh, my God.
Speaker 2:Maybe a few boxes too. Oh, sorry, sorry, I shouldn't have said that we got to keep it strictly to the dicks. I'm gonna say it's an obnoxious amount in this episode obnoxious amount of dicks in this episode.
Speaker 1:This episode will be chock full of dicks okay, like to the point that game of thrones would look this and go like was that really necessary?
Speaker 2:A proper bouquet of dicks.
Speaker 1:Tasteful side dick. Untasteful under dick.
Speaker 2:No God, no one wants the under dick's, not for anyone.
Speaker 1:No, no, no, no, no, no. That's just for grainy, poorly snapped selfies when someone's thirst trapping at four in the morning, oh my God. I don't think they call it thirst traffic, but uh, no, not when they're. No, that's that that, no that. When dudes do that shit, when they just start like fucking, fucking, that's water dowsing sexual harassment.
Speaker 1:I think, yeah, that's, they're like oh, I think I said something, maybe so pro tip fellas, fellas and anyone with a dick, whoever gets the impulse to send pictures of it at four in the morning. Just don't, don't Nobody. No one you have ever sent one to has enjoyed it.
Speaker 2:Listen, if you now I can't, I can authentically say I have never sent a dick pic and if I did I'd be lost in the chaos of production. I'd be getting good lighting.
Speaker 1:Oh my god, it would be immaculate. You would put a tripod, would be set up. It'd create a whole, a whole new department in the anxiety section of your brain would have to open up.
Speaker 2:All right, boys, here we go. The council of mats would be like we got to hold on. We got to pull up a new chair. Oh my god, a new chair. Oh my God, a new member is joining us Dick pic.
Speaker 1:Matt, a new member.
Speaker 2:This is a terrible start to this episode. I feel very confident.
Speaker 1:But just to follow that up, even if you have sent a picture of your dick to someone, yes. And they were like ooh and A. The only time you should be doing that is when someone's like oh, of course I would love to Like A.
Speaker 2:it shouldn't even be like do you want to see a picture of a dick?
Speaker 1:Somebody should be demanding it, somebody be like show me that dick, Even when they're like, ooh yeah, they're just doing that to be nice to you.
Speaker 2:Dicks are ridiculous looking. Send a picture of Richard Nixon for the lulls and move on. That's what I say.
Speaker 1:All bodies are beautiful, all things are beautiful, but dicks are objectively the funniest looking things on the planet.
Speaker 2:It's not meant to be admired, it's meant to do a function. Yes, let it do its work, let it do its work.
Speaker 1:Let it speak for itself. You don't need to give it headshots.
Speaker 3:It does not need to audition oh man, it does not need to audition Dick pics in the style of headshots though.
Speaker 1:Give you one serious, okay, one playful.
Speaker 2:Okay, now get a little flirty on this one.
Speaker 1:Put a resume on the back of it.
Speaker 3:Yeah, on this one.
Speaker 1:yeah, put a resume on the back of it. Yeah, that okay. New, new, new meta has approached. From now on, if you send a dick pic, if you send a dick pic that has been asked for, it has to be accompanied by a resume.
Speaker 2:A resume um which a full resume, not only previous work, but also special skills, yep education we're gonna have to know height and weight of the dick, not you um dick.
Speaker 1:Yes, girth, girth and length yep, uh, if you've done regional work, the standard summer stock I actually did this in rep, all right, oh, man, that eric.
Speaker 2:I think we have spent so much time on this episode talking about our penises. Yes, we have, and yet not enough, and yet not nearly enough. But we we have spent so much time on this episode talking about our penises yes, we have, and yet not enough, and yet not nearly enough, but we have some opening business to jump right on into. I feel you know, because first of all, I don't think I've even asked how you're doing yet. How are you?
Speaker 1:doing, eric, I'm doing phenomenal. Something I do want to note for listeners, because I spent about 10 to 20 minutes agonizing over this my house is vibrating yes, my house is 100 years old, so it just makes sounds and today it's doing a random buzzing that I thought was like. Maybe it was like because the wind's blowing real hard. I'm hearing the buzz. Maybe there's a door like the back doors, like the screen doors, like waving or like way blowing in the breeze nope turns out, I put my hand against the wall.
Speaker 1:When the wind blows just this side of the house, it just vibrates a little, don't know why. Try not to think too hard about it. All that to say, if you hear in the background an occasional, that is my house, not my tum tum, yes and not uh, not uh. A pot belly pig that I adopted I which I wish was the case I would absolutely be interviewing it. Bro, if we're making a blood pact right now, if either of us ever gets a pot belly pig, we interview it, blood pact yeah, blood packed.
Speaker 2:Absolutely dick to dick on that one dick to dick on that.
Speaker 1:One fucking just docking a hickory dickory dock a hickory dickory dock.
Speaker 2:Um, very good, eric, thank you. I'll do my best to edit it out, but you know, maybe it's not possible. But we'll see, and and if your house collapses in the middle of the show, you'll know you'll. You'll hear that too. I'll keep that in for context.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I will need you to fully in, like a hubcap rolling and then doing oh yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Going to need one of those.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. Now the other bit of business we have to take care of regards a bingo square.
Speaker 3:Ah, yes.
Speaker 2:We are. We are recording this the day after the eurovision finals yes, excuse me, grand finals yes, the grand finals it's.
Speaker 1:It's been, it's been a whirlwind of a week. Semi-finals started on the, the two, the 10th or the 11th. No, it started on the 12th and then, and it was like semi-final daybreak, semi-final daybreak, and then here we are at the finals.
Speaker 2:now look, the main question here is did I in fact get into eurovision, which, for the second year in a row, was your submission as what you were going to get me into?
Speaker 1:Yes, this is my albatross and my boulder.
Speaker 2:So once all the submissions were in, you did let me know about that.
Speaker 1:I was so much better this year than last year you were much better about it.
Speaker 2:You told me when the semifinals were and the finals, which right away a bigger step forward than you did before. But I will say that I didn't watch the semifinals. But what I did watch was every single submission and rank them on the Eurovision ranker website you sent me, which, honestly, that could use some work too. Design wise, I might honestly just go with a spreadsheet next time. Yeah, but regardless, I did.
Speaker 1:I completed my ranking of the what is it 37 total 37 competing countries, who were your top five, by the way?
Speaker 2:Just for the listeners? Yes, sure. So my top five for the listeners benefit was number five. I'll go five to one.
Speaker 4:Yeah, of course, of course.
Speaker 2:Number five, I had Croatia Poison Cake. Okay, Luxembourg was number four with La Poupie Montée Le Sang. Luxembourg had a good showing. Sure, I nailed that.
Speaker 1:Had a good showing in the semis.
Speaker 2:Number three was Australia, with Milkshake man God gotta have it, gotta be. Gotta have it. Number two was Estonia's Tommy Cash's Espresso Macchiato Instant classic, and number one far and away the best was KAJ from Sweden's Bara Bara Bastu, bara, bara Bastu Bastu. Yeah, it was in fact the first song that I listened to from the playlist I was working off of, and it never moved from my top spot.
Speaker 1:It's a banger.
Speaker 2:It's a banger. And I'll tell you right now, when I'm watching Eurovision because we were talking a little bit about Eurovision before the show started and I'm here to tell you I think I picked a bad year to try to get into it because the vast majority of these 37 songs, I have to say, thoroughly unimpressive to me.
Speaker 1:There were a handful of bangers, and the rest was just underwhelming. Here's what I'm after it was an inordinately underwhelming year.
Speaker 2:Here's me when I'm going to Eurovision. I want to see the next ABBA. That's my barometer. That's my barometer. Abba came from Eurovision.
Speaker 1:They're the kings and queens of Eurovision. Celine Dion won Eurovision.
Speaker 2:This is the caliber that I'm looking for. I'm looking for a pop hit that maybe is a slight bit eccentric, that's catchy as fuck, that is still musically very smart. This is what I'm after. This is what I'm looking for, and a lot of these songs very forgettable, and so I did watch most of the final before I had to, somewhat ironically, leave to judge a singing competition.
Speaker 1:This is a re that's all I not a bit.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so myself and Lindsay have for a few years now, been judges in a regional musical theater competition. That's all I'm going to say about that, because I'm not sure how much I'm allowed to say. But yeah, I was one of the judges there and it was the grand final of this year's competition. I was not one of the judges for the final, but I still went because I, you know, I was one of the judges throughout the year. Yeah, so the it was a great, it was a great time, but I did find it very funny that I had to abandon Eurovision to go to that Although locally, I will also point out is it was also Preakness Day, so, and I had to miss the Preakness as well, which I said to you just assuming that you were aware that it was Preakness and then you, I have to be honest, threw some shade.
Speaker 1:My way, I did not. I did accuse you of being a horse girl.
Speaker 2:Well, you asked if I was a horse girl in a follow-up voice memo. The first voice memo was like do you watch Preakness? And I was like yeah, obviously I do, along with Belmont and the Kentucky Derby, because again. I'm a warm-blooded American citizen.
Speaker 1:Yeah who also who loves watching those little jockeys? Just beat the shit out of horses with little riding crops. Not quite what happens, but sure Someone got a hefty fine this year for hitting their horse too many times.
Speaker 2:That was at the Kentucky Derby yes, yeah. Yeah, it does happen and I would say that, yeah, so is that the shame You're shaming me for in general watching horse racing.
Speaker 1:I'm just saying the regulations for the Kentucky Derby stipulate that you may strike a horse with your riding crop up to six times.
Speaker 2:It's why you have six carats when you ride a pona in ocarina of time and someone went beyond that. That's somebody. Yeah, again, that's a good. I'm not. That's not me. I'm not the jockey.
Speaker 2:I'm way too tall to be the jockey you're just out there in your, in your big hat, in your no I suck a suit no, I was saying to lindsey that we, for being a maryland local long as we have, and in fact at one point living down the street from Pimlico, we never have gone to the Preakness and we should go sometime. I guess you're not. I guess you're putting up billboards with PETA over here. Jesus Christ, but yeah, but I also. I enjoy putting some money on some ponies. Oh yeah, how do the ponies do for you? Not good Three times a year? I'm not a horse better throughout the year, but the Triple Crown races, I don't know. It was always on in my house.
Speaker 1:It was always on in my house as well. My mom and my aunt are so huge.
Speaker 2:I remember the big Smarty Jones Triple Crown run. I'll never forget that my mom and my aunt are.
Speaker 1:That was Preakness Day.
Speaker 2:I literally walked to the chain link fence on the final turn of Pimlico. The horses are no more than I don't know 20 feet away. Like you're closer than anyone can sit, I literally walked up to the fence and sat there for when the race started and watched the horses race behind me.
Speaker 2:The final turn. It was really great. But yeah, this year I have not won anymore. I have won before there were. A couple of years ago I dropped some cash I think it was on Belmont and I won like 500 bucks for my long shot on the ponies, on the ponies. But yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But anyway, what are we fucking talking about? You're a horse girl, I wouldn't say overall, but I'll always be third in your life.
Speaker 1:After your horse and your daddy's money I get it, my daddy's money.
Speaker 2:When am I getting it?
Speaker 1:now you told me lind Dr Lindsay Arbar, former horse girl.
Speaker 2:Yeah, former, she grew up riding horses.
Speaker 1:The voice memo I got from you. You referred to her as a horse girl and the absolute indignation in her voice she's like not a horse girl.
Speaker 2:She was a horse girl at one point in time. I think if you rode horses you get the title of horse girl.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Oh, so I'm a horse girl? Sure, I mean, I've ridden a horse, if that's what you're trying to say.
Speaker 1:No, no, I'm saying she competitively rode horses. Oh yeah, okay, she had the pants and the boots and the hat.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's a helmet, but yes.
Speaker 1:The helmet.
Speaker 2:Actually saved her life, but that's a different story. Actually saved her life, uh, but that's a different story.
Speaker 4:Uh, her hat, as you put it. Yes, so yeah, she's not a horse girl, but by any recovering horse girl.
Speaker 2:She's a recovering horse girl, uh. This episode is off the fucking rails, uh, which I already feel like half of what we recorded is gonna get cut.
Speaker 1:Oh, it's gonna be great. Um, if you don't edit the show, if you are a horse girl or no a horse girl, please reach out to us. We would love to have a horse girl episode where we interview you.
Speaker 2:Yes, if you're a horse girl, please, horse girls is welcome. That's what I say. Horse girls need apply. I did tell this is a true thing. I did tell this is a true thing when we were courting back in college. Lindsay was telling me about how much she loves horses and grew up with having a horse and all this stuff. They're noble, beautiful creatures. Truly, I told her that I would one day get her a horse and that is still the barometer for my income.
Speaker 1:Can I buy my wife a horse? Can I? Buy my wife a horse, and the answer up until this moment is still no yep, because the challenge is it's not even just like honestly, just buying a horse is the easy part that's the easy part, it's the buying all the things the horse needs to continue existing as a horse yes, but I have hope, because there there is a house down the street in my suburban neighborhood that has a two horses in their own paddock.
Speaker 2:that it's seemingly a plot that honestly should have been given to another house but instead was purchased by the homeowner to be a big old horse paddock. And I just love that they're in the middle of this suburb there's just this little horse paddock Hell yeah. Chill with some horses. They're very cool.
Speaker 1:They're very chill. They're very scared of everything around them.
Speaker 2:We call them Splash and Chestnut. We don't know their names, but that's what we call them Anyway, should we maybe? Oh wait, wait, wait, we got to put the thing.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, we got to put this to bed. So, Matt, talk to me.
Speaker 2:Here's the thing. Here's the question on the table is did Matt get into Eurovision? I'd say? Was I a little underwhelmed by the overall quality of the songs this season? Yes, but I did listen and rank every single entry. I watched a little bit of the semifinals, just a touch. It was during the workday. I had a lot of fucking work going on so I couldn't watch too much. But I watched most of the final until I had to leave, and if I didn't have to leave I would have watched all of it. I'm very disappointed by some of the final until I had to leave, and if I didn't have to leave I would have watched all of it. I'm very disappointed by some of the outcomes.
Speaker 4:Oh, a lot of people were.
Speaker 2:And we don't. Yeah, we don't need to get into the controversy of of who is in the top three, necessarily.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:But we we can leave it for an for another podcast that talks about Eurovision. I'm sure there are many, oh so many, but I would say those actions alone, I think, qualify that I got into Eurovision. Yes, that's a bingo, here's how I would describe it. Yeah, when the entries for Eurovision come out, I would be interested in listening to them all and ranking them, as I did this year. I love a good ranking of them, as I did this year, I love a good ranking of things.
Speaker 1:I know you do.
Speaker 2:So I will gladly do that again. Would I list Eurovision as a conflict on my calendar? Probably not. Probably not. I don't know that I'd move things around for Eurovision, but if it was the day of Eurovision and it was just a Saturday or whatever, sure I'm going to watch it. I'll probably watch it.
Speaker 1:I'll probably have it on. Let me ask you this, and this is how my brain puts a button on it Are you, Matt Shea, having witnessed a Eurovision, having seen the drama? This? Year yes there is quite a bit of it. There is quite a bit of it. Do you find yourself already looking forward to whatever the shit show is going to be next year?
Speaker 2:I don't know that I can authentically and honestly say yes to that answer. I know you wanted me to.
Speaker 1:I know and I appreciate your honesty on the show by dashing my dreams on the sidewalk.
Speaker 2:I love doing it Much like.
Speaker 1:Australia's dreams were dashed.
Speaker 2:Milkshake man.
Speaker 1:Not being in the finals is a fucking crime against music when when australia didn't make it with milkshake man, but armenia did with a song that I can only describe as the musical equivalent of dudes punching walls.
Speaker 2:I I don't, it was. It was very middle of the road for me. I what did I? You asked me earlier where I had it ranked and I think I had it 28 or something of 37, very low um, and so very unimpressed by although my second place pick finished third espresso macchiato um by tommy cash but all that to say, I get the square but, all to say, you get the square, and so do the people, because I would actively be like, I don't know that.
Speaker 2:I'd be like, ooh, what's the drama this year? But I would be like, ooh, the Eurovision submissions are in, let's give them a listen, let's give them a rank. I would do that. I do look forward to doing that. Them a rank. I would do that. I do look forward to doing that. I would say I look forward to listening to all of the Eurovision submissions, more than actually watching Eurovision.
Speaker 1:Honest to God, that's like with the. I love the finals, but I do. I do look forward to most, like just the risk. Oh, I'm going to learn a bunch. I'm going to listen to a bunch of new music. Today, I just get to chill for like two hours on my couch watching music videos. It's great.
Speaker 2:And one last bit of business we have to cover before we move on to something that resembles a question in this episode. Oh, eric, I don't know. I know you have sometimes trouble remembering the things that happen in the show that you technically one could say quote unquote produce.
Speaker 1:Yes, happen in the show that you technically one could say quote unquote produce.
Speaker 4:Yes, matthew, as time goes on, my sight dims. Yes, yes, it does.
Speaker 2:The picture you it fades like marty mcfly my eyes do not look, but they see yes, uh, so actually, actually, that reminds me there are two things that we need to talk about. Oh great, there are two things that we need to talk about. The first is you had asked listeners a couple of episodes ago in episode 115, you said some bullshit that didn't make any sense. You asked listeners if they followed the garbledy gook.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:Way.
Speaker 4:Yes.
Speaker 2:Do you recall doing this? And just to just to prove my own point, what?
Speaker 1:were you talking about, and Matt that's. I'm so glad you bring that up, because while while while I do remember spouting off some garbledy gook and asking people if they agree with me, and while I do plan to squeeze every ounce of joy of vindication if I am to be vindicated you could put a fucking gun to my head and couldn't tell you what I said.
Speaker 2:Of course you couldn't, or even what it was about. Of course you couldn't case in point.
Speaker 3:And anyway.
Speaker 2:Zach Deuce called in. Let's hear what he has to say. Yeah, Zachy.
Speaker 4:Yeah, yeah, I got that. I got your back. I'm with Poach.
Speaker 3:Hashtag I'm with Poach.
Speaker 4:All right, hopefully we put that to bed, matt. What?
Speaker 1:Matt calm down. You should listen to him. All right, we all got it. They all got it, don't berate the poor boy.
Speaker 2:He's dealing with enough with you love you, bye.
Speaker 3:They all got it they all got it.
Speaker 2:So says saint zacky d closed. The patron saint yeah.
Speaker 1:Independent podcast if it look. If anyone was going to speak for everyone, I would want it to be zachie d's voice absolutely.
Speaker 2:And speaking of zachie d, uh, he and I can both be featured on the new season of podcasters, assemble, if you haven't listened to the show before. It's a movie podcast where they go franchise by franchise. We've talked about it on the show before. Zachy D talked about it when he's been here. They go franchise by franchise, sometimes standalone movies. They do a spinoff series called Disassembled where they talk about bad movies. Eric and I were on an episode of that to talk about what was it? Shark attack two. Yeah, oh man, yeah, it was. We watched some.
Speaker 2:We watched some bad shark put the shark in the aquarium I can't even remember the name of it, but it was delightfully terrible. So we had a great time. But this current season just launched and they dropped the first episode of it and it is back to the future. So, needless to say, there's that sylvestri score. I was called upon. I was called upon I, like to think, requested to be a part of this season, so I have lent my expertise on back to the future, to this uh series, which they desperately need because spoiler alert, some of the contributors here I've already heard the episode because it's already out. Some of these contributors don't know what the fuck they're talking about I can, but I digress.
Speaker 1:I cannot wait to listen to it and I can tell, like I, everything your tone of voice just conveyed. I already knew it's like, like bro, like we called in, we called in Oppenheimer to the science fair project.
Speaker 2:Like well, yes, 100%. And to prove that point, so many people on the podcast are going to talk you through the plot. So I said up top with my contribution because?
Speaker 1:because they tell you to keep our submissions to 10 minutes and I don't know how I start talking about that in the future and you're not going to waste a precious fucking second of that rehashing the plot of a movie that everyone knows Correct.
Speaker 2:So instead I focus on guiding the listener through the timeline of Back to the Future which, in the first movie, fairly straightforward, but as we get into two and three, which I have to record this week, I just realized it gets more complicated. So they need an expert, and so that's why I decided to lent my highbrow opinions.
Speaker 1:Are you going to tell them why there's five delLoreans in 1955? Four DeLoreans, Four DeLoreans. I will See that was a test you passed.
Speaker 2:I will Thank you, I will get to that and yes, yes indeed, eric, are you going to contribute anything to episodes two and three?
Speaker 1:I am because.
Speaker 2:Because what happened to the first episode? Well, man, I feel like Did somebody, I feel like did somebody not remind you to do it?
Speaker 1:So this was so. This is what you all have to understand about Matthew and I is dynamic.
Speaker 2:Was it a text message that maybe got sent and then just nobody responded to?
Speaker 1:So our dynamic is that I am not allowed to experience joy, so like when. I have happy feelings, good, good good things happening to me, like my, my good friend, zachy D, calling into the show to tell me that he, that he, understood the words coming out of my mouth, as I knew all would.
Speaker 2:And they were one more time. What were they again?
Speaker 1:So when I said those words and zachie agreed with me and I had that and I got that, that gang, that precious, precious hit of dopamine, matt saw that. Matt saw my joy and he said, oh, like, like, like jimmy stewart on a portal, oh, you see that. Oh, is that Eric's joy? What if I took a rope and tied a?
Speaker 3:lasso around it what?
Speaker 1:if I just pulled it down.
Speaker 2:Pulled it all down to earth. How do you like that, Mr Potter? Clarence, Clarence, I got it. I got his joy.
Speaker 1:And then he took off his Jimmy Stewart mask and it was none other than Mr Potter there to dash my dreams on the sidewalk. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but no, I was reminded so many times. I was given so much heads up to do this thing and then, super didn't.
Speaker 2:That's fine, eric, it's fine. So go listen to Podcasters Assemble. Wherever you get your podcasts, it's the Back to the Future episode. I'm there. There's some Shark episode like two years ago that we did too. Go find that one too, you should be listening to all their episodes. You should be listening to all their episodes. They slap their fucking bap, but Eric, should we answer some questions?
Speaker 1:At 40 minutes into the episode.
Speaker 2:Yes, again, I'm sure there's cuts there Simply must be.
Speaker 1:At 15 minutes into the episode.
Speaker 2:This comes from Aaron on the discord. You all know Aaron. He drops us a ton of questions, usually via email. This time he did it through the discord and his question was this may be niche, but I think it aligns exactly with Matt's interests You're creating a starting lineup for a baseball slash softball team using movie characters. Characters who are professional baseball players in the movie example Crash Davis and Bull Durham are not permitted. However, characters who are amateur players example Daniel Caffrey, caffey, caffey and a few good men oh, caffey, yeah, ok yeah Are permitted. Who's on the team?
Speaker 1:I love this. This is this is a beautiful question and the spirit of the question, the spirit that I'm taking this in is you are putting together a ragtag baseball team of movie characters.
Speaker 2:And I'm just going to simplify it for you, aaron, I think, like anybody in Major League or any other baseball-related movie, field of Dreams, whatever Sandlot, not a Sandlot, not a single one of them count. No, it has to be random movies, characters that seemingly have nothing to do with baseball.
Speaker 1:A team that we have to get to unite and push past their differences to win this game.
Speaker 2:Eric, that goes without saying. It goes, that's baseball, baby Baseball. So, eric, let me start by saying and I know you know this, but how many, how many people in a baseball lineup? That's going to be 17., 17., 17.
Speaker 1:You, you, including a bench in that, or oh, that's including the bench, the second string, the you know.
Speaker 2:You must, you simply must know you're already wrong, right.
Speaker 1:No, no, you also got the. You know understudies. The answer is nine. We're looking for nine. Looking for nine.
Speaker 2:Individuals know understudies, you got the answer is nine.
Speaker 1:We're looking for nine, looking for nine individuals. Oh well, then I've already got my answer. It's the fellowship of the ring. Let's go okay, but but, eric, my team has gandalf the gray. We win eric.
Speaker 2:He asked us to create a starting lineup, a starting lineup, is not thrown together without any strategy.
Speaker 1:No, no no, I no, I absolutely agree. We got a rag tag. It's got to be rag tag. It cannot be a cohesive unit from one movie.
Speaker 2:Yes, and here's what I think is good. I know he aimed this sort of me, but here's the thing, eric, I know how a baseball lineup is put together and I definitely also do, and you definitely also do. But what I'm saying is I definitely also do, and you definitely also do. But what I'm saying is why don't we do this? Let's go slot by slot, okay, and I will say to you what is normally done in the lineup. We can figure out their positions separately.
Speaker 1:Yes, you describe what the role does. Yes, okay.
Speaker 2:So we start with our leadoff hitter. The leadoff hitter traditionally has a good average, gets on base. That's what we're looking for, more than power although that is sort of changing in today's game but more than you don't necessarily want a home run hitter, you want somebody who can get on base and who has a good average, which means they also know how to walk and, I would say, pretty importantly, they're fast. So they're a base stealer or a single, can get from first to third or first to home.
Speaker 1:So this is someone to put that in poach terms, someone who sets the tone.
Speaker 2:Someone who sets the tone. They're normally tall, slender, they're usually quite quick, okay, and they can hit. They hit for average rather than power.
Speaker 1:Okay, now here's a question. This is arising in my mind as we discuss this. This is something I feel like we should get out of the way now. Are we putting people with superhuman powers on the table, or do we prefer? Oh Do you know what I mean, because that can skew the math, I agree.
Speaker 2:I think we leave the supernatural characters, superheroes, whatnot, special powers out of it, that's what I say okay because otherwise you could be like oh hulk is the cleanup yeah, like yeah and pitching, we have the flash.
Speaker 1:Exactly.
Speaker 2:Okay, flash would be a great leadoff hitter, but you know, actually it'd be a better pinch runner, but that's besides the point, so yeah, so that's what we're looking for. We're looking for somebody who can set the tone, maybe also can work the count you know, is not somebody who necessarily swings at every pitch.
Speaker 1:We don't want that. No, no, no, no, no. They got to take it as it comes. Takes it. Takes it as it comes, cowboy Takes it as it comes Exactly.
Speaker 2:Hmm, I know it's a real interesting question. Yeah, very well done.
Speaker 1:I had an impulse answer. Okay, well, let's hear it. Someone who we know can be quick, someone who might not be the biggest or the strongest but has the street wise to know when to swing and when not to swing. They know how to set the tone. Yes, jack from Titanic.
Speaker 2:Jack from Titanic. Eric, I'm with you on this. I think he could be a good leadoff hitter, legitimately, yeah, if I were to put him into the field. Let's see real quick, how tall is DiCaprio? Let's figure this out he's six foot exactly, according to the internet. So, okay, so DiCaprio being six foot, I would say that's all in line with a good leadoff hitter. I might say third base, third base For Jack. I think I could see him at third base. Okay, I'm going to write this down as we go. So we don't get, we don't get crossed up. So we got to Capra. We, I'm sorry, we have Jack Dawson, uh, the third base Dawson.
Speaker 1:And you know he's going to be a heartthrob, Like, like, like, when he, when he comes out, yeah, Like, even even the folks on the on the, on the the enemy team will be cheering for him.
Speaker 2:I'm writing this down Like I am putting together my son's baseball lineup. So we've got, we've got Dawson at third base leading off. Now we're onto our second hitter, the second hitter. These days, traditionally speaking, your overall all around best hitter is the third spot hitter. These days, traditionally speaking, your overall all-around best hitter is the third spot hitter. But these days in the modern game, that has shifted a little bit to being the second hitter. So this is somebody who can hit for power, hit for average, a five-tool player, a five-category player, meaning they can hit for average. They score runs, they hit home runs, they get RBIs meaning they can hit for average. They score runs, they hit home runs, they get RBIs and they can steal bases. Here he comes, here he comes. Casey is at the bat.
Speaker 1:Okay, okay.
Speaker 2:So I would say that two and three a little bit in my mind in my baseball strategy, a little bit interchangeable, I would put two maybe slightly better average than the third hitter. But that's up for debate, because I'll tell you what's happening. What we're coming up to Number four is your cleanup hitter. That's somebody who's traditionally maybe not the best average hitter but is probably the best power hitter, the best average hitter but is probably the best power hitter, the best chance of a home run and nothing else comes off of the cleanup hitter okay okay cleanup being, if the bases are loaded, he's gonna clear them.
Speaker 2:That's the idea.
Speaker 1:There we go okay, we load the bases. We we two and three. Punch the hole one through three. Punch the hole four, scoops the meat Sure Okay.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. So two now we've got Jack Dawson leading off. Let's say, jack Dawson hit us a single. He's on first. Who do we want up? Second, to move Jack along those base paths. Hopefully get him to third, at least Hopefully get him to third. Hopefully get him to home. Yeah, of course everyone wants to go home. So to put this in context of the modern game, aaron Judge on the Yankees, that's second in most games. In days of yore it would have been third, but he's bad in second most of the time now. So this can be your headliner, this can be your headliner, but that said, we're not using baseball players necessarily.
Speaker 1:You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, we're looking for two for four. We're looking for power, with an extra emphasis on four for the power.
Speaker 2:Yes, Four is your. Four is traditionally the. There there are some people who are like they're either going to strike out or they're going to hit a home run, and those people usually are in the cleanup role.
Speaker 1:Okay, um, and this is a clarifying question for two and three how do we feel, like, like two and three again very similar, I in my mind they can kind of be interchanged.
Speaker 2:Okay, I have, I think I have a pick for two. Okay, then that means I got a pick for three.
Speaker 1:Okay, so what? So tell me about your pick my pick.
Speaker 2:While he comes from the world of sci-fi, I don't believe he possesses by himself any supernatural powers. I'm gonna put din joran as my second hitter. Din Djarin the Mandalorian, better known as the Mandalorian, I would say Din Djarin, you know Sans, sans jetpack, sans any kind of weapons, obviously of a Starwardian bent. Obviously of a Starwardian bent. But Din Djarin himself, he can be in the middle if he needs to Okay yeah. I'd say he's a good pick for second.
Speaker 1:That is such a good pick.
Speaker 2:For second or third. I think he'd be a good hitter. I think he's fast and he'd be smart on the base pass, which is why I'd put him two over three personally.
Speaker 4:Yeah okay.
Speaker 2:So I'd put him two over three per second. Yeah, okay, so I'm putting Jaron down. Jaron down, I'd say. I see him as a first base. Well, you know what, with that amount of gear, it's very rare to put a catcher in second. I'm going to say the gear alone, he can be catcher.
Speaker 1:Yes, I'd put him in catcher. All right, who's your third? So yeah, the guy, the poor bastard, uh, who's batting on the enemy team with, with with din jar behind them. Every now and then I'll just hear din jar muttering.
Speaker 3:This is the way I'm like what does that?
Speaker 1:mean, um, I? So I have a third and actually a candidate for fourth approach me, but my candidate for third, you said it earlier. Here comes Casey Casey Jones of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Speaker 2:Eric, really fucking good, really good. I have no notes or pushback. Casey Jones is a great number three hitter.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because he's got that flexibility of being talented with a lot of sports implements, but he's not a baseball player he, he, but he's got player yes yes but he's got that power.
Speaker 2:If we were right, if we were doing a hockey lineup, he'd be ineligible. But correct, he's eligible for the baseball, for sure. I would say casey jones. Position wise, I'm gonna slot him in left field.
Speaker 3:I'm gonna left field.
Speaker 2:I'm gonna slot him in left field. Okay, I might change my mind as we go. Now we've hit cleanup. Cleanup is traditionally a big boy and I've I've got one, okay let's hear it I?
Speaker 1:I had some pop to mind as well, but yeah, you hit me first um, so we want for for the cleanup, and I think, god, the fact that's called cleanup too is so appropriate. We want someone I can't believe I'm educating you on that, but continue. We want someone. We're not looking for average. We're looking for raw power. The bases are loaded and this motherfucker just sends it that's, that is what you want.
Speaker 2:That is. That is a baseball staple. Bases are loaded, the cleanup hitters coming up, the whole fucking stadium is jumping. Who is?
Speaker 1:it. You hear him coming, coming as as yeah, yeahpping up to the plate. Here's the jump baby. None other than Sergeant Donnie Donowitz, the Bear Jew. The Bear Jew is a great thing, the Bear Jew from Inglourious Bastards Really good.
Speaker 2:Really good. Okay, so, eric, you're really good at this.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because he may not be a baseball player, but I know he can swing a fucking bat oh, that's true, he does use a baseball bat.
Speaker 2:Does that disqualify him?
Speaker 1:but yeah, he's, but he used baseball bat to to beat the like fucking beat nazis to death. Like he's not out there playing baseball, we allow it, okay. There's nothing in the rules that says the bear jew cannot play baseball any beating to death of a nazi allow.
Speaker 2:It nullifies any other disqualification. Oh yeah, so donowitz is there. I agree, really, really strong pick. I think my pick could work further down the lineup. I might keep him. I might keep him in my soul for a minute.
Speaker 3:Okay.
Speaker 2:But I'll yield right to the Bear Jew for sure. So, donnie Donowitz, you and the SS, so all right. So first of all, I need to know how tall Eli Roth is. Six foot really. I was really hoping he'd be a little shorter. Ideally he'd be shorter for second base, but for some reason I'm getting second-based vibes from Donnie Donahue.
Speaker 1:You want the opposing team to be thoroughly terrified of leaving that plate once they've hit a ball.
Speaker 2:Leaving that plate once they've hit a ball Exactly, and that's why I think first base works for him, because he's just standing sentinel over at first base waiting for the ball or the runner and he's ready to make a tag. And do you want to be tagged by Donnie Donowitz? I?
Speaker 1:don't think so. No, you do not, especially because he's still holding a bat.
Speaker 2:Yes. So now we're in the heart of the order and things. This is where different managers, different players, have different philosophies. Some people think, some people construct a lineup with we're just starting again. I want another leadoff hitter. Now.
Speaker 2:Some people even have have turned into putting more of the traditional number four spot the cleanup hitter in third and starting the redo, if you will, at number five. I don't necessarily think we have to stick to that. This is also the heart of the order. So once you're in, once you're past the first three innings and you've gone through the order at least once, now the order you're traditionally starting innings in the middle of an order. Okay, so things, you know you're not going to be the same three, three up, three down, over and over and over again. So I'm looking for a combo here. I don't need somebody who is a perfect leadoff hitter. I don't mind it if they've got some extra power behind them, okay, and so I I wasn't going to necessarily start with this and in fact I was going to say this person for a different version of this person for number four, but I'm going to bring them up now for number five. Hit me with it. Biff Tannen.
Speaker 1:I was okay. So at the start of this question, in my mind it wasn't a question of if Biff, it was a question of when Biff and where Biff in the lineup. So you have my buy-in. So what I was going to say for four is Easily the most controversial player on the team. What I was going to say for four is Griff Tannen.
Speaker 2:Ooh yeah, with his cyber, but he does technically have cybernetic implants yes uh, all right. So, tom f wilson, how tall are you, my friend? Oh, he's six, two he's. Yeah, he's tall, he's a tall boy, okay. So, yeah, we'll keep him at, uh, at five, and I'm feeling center field, uh, okay, I'm feeling right field, I'm feeling right field for, okay, I'm feeling right field, I'm feeling right field for Biff, right field yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Speaker 2:He's tall, you need somebody who's. You need somebody very fast traditionally to be your center fielder. So I don't necessarily know that Biff's the fastest, but I think he'd be a good hitter and can he's got stamina for sure, stamina for sure and can pop off some homers. We know this. So, uh, that's where I'm putting him. Um, I'm also mulling Marty McFly for short.
Speaker 2:I was wondering yeah, I shortstop for Marty McFly, feels thematically on brand, yeah, but in which case I could see moving tannin down a little bit and putting marty you know what I'm gonna skip ahead, eric okay, I think mcfly can't and just having them both there is kind of fun yes, the the the drama, the drama.
Speaker 2:So I think let's, let's make marty our shortstop. Okay, I don't know that I want him at six. I'm not totally convinced that I want him at six. I would say at this juncture, after having really three solid power hitters in Casey Jones, johnny Donowitz and Biff Tannen, we want someone who's maybe a better runner and a better hitter than they are. A home run hitter, a power hitter, okay. So you mentioned lord of the rings.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think aragon could aragorn aragorn, excuse me, aragorn could be a good, a good candidate for for second maybe okay, okay, um, so we are discussing aragorn, son of erathorn, called lsr, the elfstone dunedain, the heir of isceliador elendil, son of gondor. That aragorn, yeah, I think so. So something you should know. Most people don't know this just based off of watching the movies, unless you've watched the extended cuts, but even then it's a brief scene. Absolutely, aragorn might not be eligible because Aragorn is of the line of Numenor.
Speaker 1:Numenoreans are superhuman, they lit. Like Aragorn at the time of lord of the rings in those movies is 90 years old. Okay, uh, he will live to be about 200 something years old. Uh, they are, they are, they tend to be his. Now the numenorean bloodline is in decline. By the time of lord of the rings, like back in the day, numenoreans were like just a hair above out, like they were the. They were the blend of of elves and men, so they lived for like thousands of years and by the time of aragorn, there they've been, you know, they've been populating with normal ass humans and stuff, but they, they are a superhuman subclass of humans, do we? Is he still in? He doesn't have any like supernatural powers per se, but he is just kind of the best version.
Speaker 2:I think it might be. I think it might be on the line, I think. I think we have to rule them out. It's on the line, it would be it would.
Speaker 1:It would be. It would come up a lot in in oh, in the papers about, about aravorn, okay, okay. Boromir, however, is just. He's the best version of a normal ass human being there might be like a drop of Numenorean in it somewhere but like not enough to not not that it'll show up on a doping test.
Speaker 2:Do you think Boromir is fast? That's my main question to you right now.
Speaker 1:That's the issue. Boromir is not fast. He is. That's my main question to you right now. That's the issue. Boromir is not fast. He is stout, he is, he is stalwart, he is, uh, he is, uh, he is.
Speaker 2:He's very like he's beefy and he's got stamina, but he is not all right sean bean's height is 510, which is is more in line with second base shortstop for me, so he could be if we want to, because I feel like you need a lord of the ringers. If we're going to include biff tannin and marty mcfly, you got to have someone from the fellowship there gotta have someone from the fellowship. You could, you and all them hobbits can't count, come on, they can't play ball.
Speaker 1:No, no, oh, if. If we were going to include honest to god, if we were going to include anyone from lord of the Rings, anyone at all, my first inclination was to say Faramir Boromir's brother, because in the books they, they, they did him so dirty. In the movies Faramir is a ranger. What?
Speaker 4:about Legolas.
Speaker 1:Legolas is an elf and they are. So you know how I was just talking about, how aragorn is just better. We got to stick to normal people yeah, elves, like I don't know, if you watch the scene where they're walking through the snow and legolas can just straight up like walk on top of snow. Like he is, he can see 200 miles, yeah or some shit. Despite the curvature of the earth, like he is faster and stronger than any human being on earth. I got it. Hold on. That is Hold on.
Speaker 2:I just want to confirm this real quick. Yep, we got it. I got our second baseman. Who's your second baseman? Ethan Hunt Of Mission Impossible. Yes, tom Cruise is only 5'7". He's historically quite short. He's notably short. That's a perfect second base height. I think he's a good hitter. I think he's fast, I think he's clever. I think we put in Ethan Hunt at second base, okay, okay. So positions we have three spots remaining. Three positions remaining. They are Marty McFly at shortstop We've already decided Center field and the designated hitter, and I have an idea for the designated hitter and I think they could go seven or eight right now. Okay, apollo Creed. Apollo Creed from Rocky.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:He's jacked as shit.
Speaker 2:Yeah, he's jacked as shit. I don't think he's particularly fast, necessarily, shit. Yeah, he's jacked to shit. I don't think he's particularly fast, necessarily, but he doesn't need to be. He's only the designated hitter. We just need him to do one job.
Speaker 2:Smack that fucking thing yeah, yeah, no one one hundo so I'm gonna for right now I'm gonna put creed in at uh seven as dh we. Once we have complete lineup we can move it around. I think right off the bat I'm going to say we put McFly in at nine as our bottom hitter so to speak at shortstop. Okay, so that means we need a center fielder, somebody who's semi-tall, ideally quite fast, probably the best fielder in the outfield Traditionally. They have a good on-base percentage and are a good hitter as well.
Speaker 1:So let me hit you with this. This is the name because I think I started on this tangent where I said like, oh, faramir came to mind. I actually wanted to get to the one person I do want from Lord of the Rings. Oh, okay, in this lineup, yes, someone. So you're telling me a good fielder. So they're fast. They're the person making like when someone bashes the brains out of a ball and it's going like. They're the person we're relying to. You need to thread this needle.
Speaker 2:Centerfield has yeah, centerfield has the most ground to cover.
Speaker 1:You have the most ground to cover you have the most ground to cover needs like, like those dramatic moments where we're like oh, it's going out.
Speaker 2:Yes, oh, he's climbing the wall. He took it back okay that's.
Speaker 1:That's what you want in a centerfielder the out of nowhere, the holy shit, they did it, matthew.
Speaker 1:Imagine the fucking drama I will as soon as you give me a name when, when, when it's a pop, fly out to fucking, like like it's going to the wall. We see, we see this new, this new player in the lineup, um, whose jersey just says dirnhelm it. And they're running for the walls and they jump, they catch it. People should be like, oh my God, who is he? What kind of man? And that's when she takes off her ball cap and throws it to the ground and says no man, am I Nice, eowyn? Am I Eowyn's daughter? You stand between me and my team in victory. I like it.
Speaker 1:Eowyn is my favorite character from lord of the rings. Eowyn is a fucking badass warrior, has like spent most of her life. She's like I know I can do. She is like the devil. She's like fucking put me in. And they're like no, sorry, we can't. No girls in baseball. Blah, blah, blah, blah. And then she just fucking shows up mulan's it in there and takes the game by storm. She's our dark horse, she's our ace in the hole. She is fast, she is swift, she is a mighty warrior. She stood against the Witch King of Angamar and slew him with the help of a hobbit.
Speaker 2:She is only 5'5", miranda Otto. However.
Speaker 1:Miranda Otto may be 5'5", but Eowyn is of the Rohirrim. They are a tall people.
Speaker 2:Okay, all right, so we're allowing the character's height to be played. Oh, got to, got to. Okay, great, in that case, I think I'm pretty happy with this ragtag group. Just to go it at third base here. You know what Actually can I get some quick baseball music, excellent, leading off. Today, at third base, it's Jack Dawson batting, second the catcher, din Jarin, also known as the Mandalorian crowds, cheering.
Speaker 3:No, no Bando.
Speaker 2:Batting third the left fielder, casey Jones At first base, your cleanup hitter today, Donnie Bear. Jew Donowitz In right field. Batting fifth Biff Tannen. At second base, it's Ethan Hunt.
Speaker 1:They play the Mission Impossible theme over. The speakers Got to.
Speaker 2:The designated hitter batting seventh, apollo Creed. Batting eighth the center fielder, the shield maiden of Rohan, it's A-Wing. And batting ninth, the shortstop, martin McFly.
Speaker 3:That's the power of love, absolutely, there's your power of love, absolutely there's your.
Speaker 2:And just for fun, we got to throw in a pitcher.
Speaker 1:Oh, we got to have a pitcher, Matt.
Speaker 2:Who is the starting pitcher for this ragtag?
Speaker 1:group of individuals we need I want to say this too we need a pitcher, and we need a coach and a manager. We need a pitcher and a manager. I think this is going to be the only question we do. This is probably the only question we do today.
Speaker 2:It's the only question that matters. It's the only question that matters, um so okay, so the the manager. We'll get to the manager the picture we need a good pitch.
Speaker 1:So, matt I and and this is not me being like trying to be cute, obviously like for a good pitcher, what qualities are we looking for?
Speaker 2:well, can throw ball good, can throw ball real good, real fast can throw ball different ways, different ways, but but as long as the ways they can throw the ball are really good, you can get away with a couple mad at all. A starting picture, I'd say, should have at least minimum three pitches that they can rely on.
Speaker 1:I think I got one. Okay, the pitcher steps up to the plate or gets on the mound. Gets on the mound, sorry. Steps up to the mound, yeah. And he's doing the pitcher thing. He's watching, he's analyzing, he's looking at every detail of the man at bat. He's like trauma on the fourth knuckle, signs of injury. Fuck it, fuck it. Uh. Sunlight, 45 degrees in the.
Speaker 3:I already know what you're doing sherlock fucking homes.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but you, you're saying it with the rdj.
Speaker 1:Uh, oh, yeah rdj sherlock comes, but I'll take classic dumb. Hat Sherlock Holmes the fact?
Speaker 2:that you've. It's been like two episodes in a row, or three episodes in recent memory, where you've mentioned RDJ Sherlock, and the fact that that's your default Sherlock Over Benedict Cumberbatch's Sherlock Is offensive to me.
Speaker 1:Okay, well, seeing as how the later seasons of Sherlock went, not that offensive.
Speaker 2:I don't know what you're talking about. The last season's the only semi-offbeat season. Every single season's a masterclass of.
Speaker 1:Sherlock Agreed for the large part BBC'd, bbc'd the shit out of Sherlock where it started so fucking strong. In the last season it was like eh.
Speaker 2:Okay, regardless.
Speaker 1:Irregardlessly Between those Sherlock's.
Speaker 2:I think RDJ's very noticeably ripped. Sherlock.
Speaker 1:Yes, he's the most athletic bare-knuckle boxer.
Speaker 2:Which, I will point out, is canonically a trait of Sherlock Holmes.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like people tend to forget that Sherlock Holmes could is a brawler as well. Yeah, could kick the shit out of it.
Speaker 2:I'm good, I'm very good with RDJ's homes being our starting picture. Yeah, so we need a manager. And what didn't you say? There's somebody else you wanted. Uh, did I we could have a closer? Well, we'll put in the closing picture as well. Okay, we'll put in the closing picture as well. Okay, closing picture. You want them coming in hot? Ideally, they get three outs and they're done. That's what you want. You want your Mariano Rivera.
Speaker 1:The closer.
Speaker 2:The closer. Okay, to shut the door on this bad, bad mamba jamba. What you thinking? Here's what I'm trying to do right now. I'm trying to picture who I see like actor, wise, standing on a mound and like working my way back from that. They're an intent. Also, you, you kind of want your clothes to have an intimidating factor as well, I mean an intimidation factor yeah, I mean.
Speaker 2:So the thing like to use mariano rivera, the greatest closer of all time from the Yankees. Mariano only had one pitch a cutter. You knew it was coming and you knew he was going to strike you out. That's his mystique.
Speaker 3:The mat Matt.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, go for it.
Speaker 1:So we want mystique, maybe we want intimidation.
Speaker 2:We want intimidation for sure. Mystique optional.
Speaker 1:We want intimidation for sure. Mystique optional Matt.
Speaker 2:I want someone that when they're calling him out of the bullpen, the batter is shitting himself, and that is what you want and that is traditionally what you try to market your closer as A lot of closing themes. The Orioles right now have the whistle from Omar from the wire as their clothes are coming in. Yep, mariano came into Metallica's Enter Sandman, so you want it to be a show.
Speaker 1:Yeah, the show will be. They see Sherlock coming off the plate. They see Sherlock coming off the plate and then, when they bring out their closing picture, the bat signal Bruce Wayne, batman, mere mortal, no supernatural abilities.
Speaker 2:He has no superpowers.
Speaker 1:Peak human abilities. Got the analytical mind of Sherlock Holmes, has the raw power of decades of martial arts experience.
Speaker 2:He will ruin you. And in this circumstance, Eric, I have a specific Batman in mind. Ooh, which one? Which one? Christian Bales. Christian Bales, I think he is. If I'm a batter, I'm putting up the big five of the Batman in front of me. I think he has the most intimidating stare.
Speaker 1:He does he does Adam West, batman would make an amazing coach.
Speaker 2:Possibly, possibly.
Speaker 1:Clooney and Kilmer would make incredible hitters.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I see them more hitters than pictures Keaton Keaton. I'm not more hitters than pictures Keaton Keaton, I'm not sure about.
Speaker 1:Keaton and Keaton. Oddly enough, keaton's my favorite Batman.
Speaker 2:I think he is the best Batman but I don't think he's the most transferable in the series. No, no, no, no, no. I don't know why he's jumping to mind for the coach Keaton. No, no, I stand by, I think, christian.
Speaker 1:Bale's the best. I noticed that we're not even considering Affleck or Pattinson, and and I haven't I actually have not seen Affleck's Batman um, I've seen, I've seen Pattinson. Pattinson did a good job.
Speaker 2:I do want. I haven't seen it yet, I do want to. I've been bullying Lindsay into watching this film for quite some time and we haven't done it's good, I hear um, but yeah, uh, bail, bail batman.
Speaker 1:Uh, yeah, it's good, especially because he's in such a he's not running fucking anywhere for the closer. I want bail batman specifically I don't know why you hear the entire crowd chanting swear to me, or or they, as, as he's stepping up to the plate, they all start doing I think that's so dope. Yeah, that would scare the shit out of me Absolutely.
Speaker 2:A whole stadium getting involved with that.
Speaker 1:You hear Bane. Bane is now catching behind. He says when I first played baseball.
Speaker 3:I was already a man.
Speaker 4:We didn't have automated strike zones when I was a boy.
Speaker 2:They were nothing but blinding. I think President Jed Bartlett as the coach, I like a lot, president Jed.
Speaker 1:Bartlett.
Speaker 2:Westwinger. Oh good, lord President, jed Bartlett West Winger. Oh good lord, oh, hands down.
Speaker 1:Hands down. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Just because that, yes, it just hits so hard.
Speaker 2:for me, it's a sheen. It's a sheen and that's who I want in a leadership role.
Speaker 1:Yeah you gotta have, you don't want him near the finances. You don't want him near the finances, you don't want him near anything, you just want him in leadership. Well, martin Sheen.
Speaker 2:I do. Oh, martin Sheen. If we could somehow get Martin Sheen to run for president entirely in characters Jed Bartlett, I would 100% authentically vote for him. All right. So we went above and beyond. We got the whole lineup. We got a starting picture, a closer and a manager Eric. I think we've done good.
Speaker 1:What's the name of the team?
Speaker 2:What's the name of the team? Well, we're talking about movies the Buffs, the Buffs. Nah, stupid, stupid, I was going off movie buffs.
Speaker 4:Oh, but it doesn't work.
Speaker 1:It doesn't work.
Speaker 2:The Squonks, the squonks, the squonks, the squonks, the kirkland squonks, the kirkland squonks, kirkland squonks. We have made a baseball team. We made we did it? Um, we have spent so much time on this episode I I authentically think that can be the only question yes, and it was worthy enough to take up the whole thing.
Speaker 2:It was especially because we're going into round two of season five of Google gripes now, which is still movie themed, just like season four. So what's going to happen here? We've got this lovely, lighthearted game where we give real one-star Google reviews of well-known movies to one another. The other person has to guess. Round one spoiler alert ended in. If you need to go back, if you don't want to be spoiled, this is your chance to pause A 2-2 draw. Yep, so we are essentially starting fresh in round two, but it is to Matt, to Eric.
Speaker 2:Now Eric this is a very special round of Google Gripes because last episode's guest, Juniper, Sir Juniper, submitted. This is the very first time.
Speaker 3:Oh yeah.
Speaker 2:Somebody submitted to us. They they requested can I submit a movie for google gripes along with reviews? She did do that and I'm gonna do it first. Now I have to say, juniper, I'm gonna have to put an asterisk here because your reviews did come from rotten tomatoes and technically not from Google, but that's okay.
Speaker 1:But, matt, I'm looking at, I'm actually reviewing the bylaws of Google Gripes. Yes, I am as well A guest submittal. It is not unheard of to do guest submittals to Google Gripes. We have in the past, when we were doing locations, had to augment Google reviews with.
Speaker 2:Yelp reviews.
Speaker 1:I did that in season one, I believe.
Speaker 2:I've done it from time to time too, and it is perfectly acceptable. And so for that reason, I'm going with. Juniper gets Knight's Privilege 100% she does. And so I'm going to go with two of her reviews and I have one from Google, just to check the box and put a little bit of effort into my own submissions. How's that sound?
Speaker 1:A modicum of effort is the hallmark of our show.
Speaker 2:All right, eric, I've got three reviews ready to go. Let's do this. And, by the way, I couldn't decide easiest and hardest on these three films, so I'm not sure they're in that order.
Speaker 1:I want you to know that.
Speaker 2:I appreciate you, I see you and I value you. I couldn't decide, so I was like you know what? This is the order. I'm going to start with Junipers and then we'll go from there. Okay, all right, are you ready? Yes, first film, first review. A long, slow trudge to nowhere, cleverly wrapped in the shroud of a faux Zen master. Okay, okay. Review number two Hated the whole thing. Unfunny film about a dirty, lazy slob calling himself Blank, who swears incessantly and gets into some unfunny scrapes involving a kidnap, only plays Skittles as an interest. No doubt he's the type of person many fans of this genre will aspire to be like. What a sad reflection. Okay, okay, and this is the third review. This one is from Google. This is the one I put in.
Speaker 3:Okay.
Speaker 2:Torture the entire time I was watching it. One I put in Okay, torture the entire time I was watching it. I was hoping for it. I was hoping it for to come to an end. You see how I got crossed up there. Yes, yes, I love the directors, but judging from their standard of filmmaking, this is the worst film they have ever made. Comedy is not their forte.
Speaker 1:My guess is that then, when they said skittles, they meant to say bowling, and I'm gonna say the big lebowski eric, you nailed it it's the big lebowski.
Speaker 2:Let's not beat around the bush oh, that was good.
Speaker 1:Those were good that that was throwing me for a minute there.
Speaker 3:And then it was like brother.
Speaker 1:I was like, what Coen movie is this Exactly? And then I was like the Skittles threw me.
Speaker 2:And I didn't even say brothers, I said directors, oh, directors, although technically Joel Coen is usually always credited as the director. But it's an academy thing that they do that for. Oh, those were great reviews those are great reviews, wild uh, we do have a bonus review from juniper oh, hit me with it.
Speaker 2:If I could give. This isn't from juniper, I'm saying it's one. She included lebowski bad, bad movie. If I could give this movie negative five stars, I would the current rating 80%, and I believe that this is a disservice to the general public and Congress must take action. If I had the choice of watching this movie or having to put down ten dogs, I would choose the dogs every time. It's not even bad in a funny way, but bad in the most boring way possible, and all you can think of is how much better your life would be without wasting two hours of your life Jesus Christ.
Speaker 1:What condition is this guy's condition in?
Speaker 2:Ah, you're telling me. First of all, and I always feel I have to say this because we do not, almost, almost, I don't. I would think if it was ever untrue, we would point it out.
Speaker 1:But I think it's a universal fact that we do not agree with the assessments of the films we've done. No, we love every single one of these movies we're bringing up?
Speaker 2:Yes, so every one of these sparks rage within me. This is insane, because anyone who doesn't understand why the Big Lebowski is a great film is a fucking idiot. And to call the coen brothers comedy is not their forte wild take. Are you telling me you think fargo is devoid of laughs? Yeah, that, no country is devoid of laughs. What are you talking about?
Speaker 1:like burn after, like everyone after. Reading is hysterical. Yeah, it's one of the funniest movies. What have we learned? What have we learned? What have we? One of my favorite scenes in a movie ever. Actually, it's just, uh all right.
Speaker 2:Are you ready for your second movie? I am ready. You've taken the real. The real time table is updated three to two. Air, let's fucking go. One of the times where imdb failed me totally. Overrated just reinforces the fact that oscars is just an award for the most boring movies in the world. Just sat through all that blood and gore for nothing. What a waste of time.
Speaker 1:Okay, oscar, oscar, either winner or nominee. Blood and gore. Okay, continue.
Speaker 2:I hate because the demon murders people. Blank. That is why the FBI speak to him. I do not know he would just lie. Hard labor is what Blank requires. Movie flows well, good fun and Satanan, the serial killer, is killed. Agent girl fbi requires three partners. A group of four fbi agents gives safety. Five stars for movie success, one star for reality, okay. Okay, you got one more review, but it seems like you could be ready to guess got something brewing, but we'll see all right third review people say title of movie is a good movie, but after seeing the cum scene I immediately stopped watching.
Speaker 1:What a mess uh, I will say the cum scene clenched it for me. Silence of the lambs eric. Very good, it is silence of the lambs.
Speaker 2:I thought the come scene inclusion would either clinch it or throw it throw me completely yep yep, because it all depends on if you remember a certain five seconds of that film the five seconds that everyone loves to talk about.
Speaker 2:Oh man To think there's a single person in this world that doesn't like Silence of the Lambs. It's incredible. Well, eric, you are two for two in today's four total points for you right now. Okay, going into your final review, your final film? Okay. First review. I hate this movie with my heart and soul and other pieces of flesh. The best character in this movie is the guy who wants to be mayor. We see him struggle as he works as a waiter at a bar, but he has hope. And I was hoping that my boy, the best character, would be mayor at the end. But we didn't see him, not even in a newspaper. What did they do to my boy? I will never be the same. The best character in any piece of art got treated so wrong. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Crying face emojis. My mom just told me that we see him at the beginning of the movie.
Speaker 1:Oops, still mad though okay, uh, yeah, perfect honesty. Have nothing so far so great?
Speaker 2:uh, okay, number two. We are aware that you are using ai to track time. We will only say this germs. I don't believe in germs. Sorry, we can't say more. What the fuck matt? And finally, review number three. Why are you yelling Calm down? Oh my God, I am surprised, eric. I thought for sure you'd get this real quick. Oh, okay, is this? I see him cooking.
Speaker 1:Someone who wants to be. Is this Back to the Future? Future? I don't know is this your final that is my final answer, because that is the only thing that I think I can. Mayor, mayor goldie wilson. Mayor goldie wilson fucking almost threw me because I'm like what fucking?
Speaker 2:I was like someone this invested, like that's why I put it first, because I was like if that was so well done. I was like so many of these reviews there. It was so hard to pick reviews for back to the future so many are making it very clear it's back to the future dead giveaway.
Speaker 2:yeah, because I was like, if I mentioned time travel, if I mentioned a car, if I mention time travel, if I mention a car, if I, you know, if I mention anything related to getting with one's mom, you picked because I think at one point I actually tried to do Back to the Future for you.
Speaker 1:but I was looking at the reviews like there's nothing here and Eric you picked gold.
Speaker 2:Looking at the reviews, like there's nothing here and eric, you picked, you picked. I figured that you would want to do back to the future at some point, so I said I'm gonna do it before he can get to it.
Speaker 1:And what almost fucked me is my brain did that thing because, if you'll recall from this season, on the last episode yes, well, also from this season, I picked a movie we had already done. Yeah, I know. Um. So I was like my brain was like there's no movie we had already done, yeah, I know. So I was like my brain was like there's no way we haven't done Back to the Future. And then I was like I even remember I was like, but have we?
Speaker 4:No we haven't. No, we haven't. No, we have not, just wasn't thinking fourth dimensionally.
Speaker 2:Well, eric, you were not, and this episode has truly gone completely off the rails, completely off the rails. So I think it's about time that we wrap this sucker up, unfortunately, but this was a delight, this was an absolute delight. This movie, baseball team and this here, google gripes. So you do get a perfect round. You finish round two with five total points, so five to two, before I do my second round, which will be next episode. Until then, we do need your questions, yes, so submit them to us.
Speaker 2:You didn't ask for this at gmailcom, that is all spelled out. But you can reach us on the socials at you didn't ask pod, that's the letter. You didn't ask pod. Instagram's the letter. You didn't ask pod. Instagram threads, sort of blue sky, sort of mostly instagram is our main thing these days. Uh, also on tiktok um, we'll get some. We'll get some content up there sooner rather than later, but uh, simply, I'm simply too busy to put together these film clips, if I'm being totally honest. But we'll get to it, we'll get to it. So do that and, if you wouldn't mind, join our Patreon, eric.
Speaker 1:Oh my God Gang, for no other. You get a lot of stuff with us. Patreon, yeah, but for no other reason. Give us the one fucking dollar, just so you have access to the discord and you can give yourself access to the discord yeah, really the ass it, it, it's so fun in there are.
Speaker 1:We have this like sweet little community of weirdos and they're beautiful and we love them and uh yeah, for a dollar a month you get access to the discord. For four dollars a month just a hair more than a moon pie you get access to the Discord. You get access to monthly bonus content in the form of oops, all tangents.
Speaker 2:Your house did the oops thing too, kind of All tangents.
Speaker 1:And you get 20% off of all Yadaf merchandise in the merch store.
Speaker 2:Absolutely Patreoncom slash. You didn't ask for this, all spelled out. So give us a follow, subscribe and give yourself the gift of more of these two idiots, yeah, but also the gift of all your Yadaf giant comrades in the Discord. We're having a great time, yeah, and that'll about do it for this episode of you. Didn't Ask For this. My name is Matt Shea, my name's Eric Poach and listen, you didn't ask.
Speaker 3:But here she comes, folks, our center fielder, stepping up to the plate. It's Eowyn, daughter of Eomond. You stand between her and her. Lord and kin Be gone. If you be not deathless For living or dark undead, she will smite you if you touch her.
Speaker 4:And I'll tell you what she really can fill out those baseball pants. Am I right there, chip?
Speaker 3:Oh golly she's got the role here a minute today folks Absolutely.
Speaker 4:And you know what? When she swings that bat, I swear it's like the rolling thunder coming across a crimson summer sky.
Speaker 3:Or like the grass plains of Rohan, give it up for this would-be, should-be daughter of Theoden.
Speaker 4:Absolutely. Oh, and she's laid down a bunt. How unfortunate. What a bad spot for a bunt. Never a bad spot for a blunt, however, never a bad spot for a blunt Chip Smoke him if you got him folks, Thank you.