You Didn't Ask For This
You Didn't Ask For This
114 | May Your Rootin' Always Be Tootin'
The wait is over (if it ever started)...the fifth season of Google Gripes has arrived! Matt gets the ball rolling with another set of 1-star Google reviews for well-known movies, but first: when people say 'that's right up my alley'...what street is that alley off of? Where have all the cowboys gone? And what should Effin' Cultured do for their next roast episode? Yeah, that's right, we're not the only podcast that suckers its audience into providing their content!
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Join our Patreon!
What's included?
$1/month = YDAFT Punks
- Access to the YDAFT Discord
$4/month = YDAFT Giants
- Access to the YDAFT Discord
- 20% off all merch (coming soon!)
- And exclusive access to our new monthly bonus episodes..."Opps! All Tangents!"
"Oops! All Tangents" is a shorter, question-free episode dropped on the first Friday of every month. We'll tell longer stories, take deep dives into specific topics, and do all sorts other fun things we can't fit into our regular episodes. Join us!
Go to https://www.patreon.com/youdidntaskforthis to become a member!
We're on TikTok now! Go see our dumb faces!
Submit your least pressing questions, local legends, definitive rankings, neighborhood group drama, and whatever else you want us to cover at youdidntaskforthis@gmail.com or @udidntaskpod on TikTok, Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook.
You can also leave us a voicemail on The Thoughtline at (410) 929-5329 and we might just play it on the show!...
Well, let me, let me hit you with this, let me hit you with this one One. I'll leave you with this. Ok, as we're talking about workplace snafus and faux pas, employee Appreciation Day. Employee Appreciation Day went down in fucking history where I work Because this happened. This happened like a year or two before I joined the company and it was a horrifying thing to learn Just having gotten hired there. Sure, every year they have, they would have employee appreciation day where the company would cater for everyone and like and like, spring for like, actually good like I was gonna say are we talking about?
Eric:a pizza party. No, no, no. Like actual catering and everyone would get together in a big area and you get to eat free food. Cool Matt, one year people show up, they start slamming down grilled meats and sundry delicious edibles.
Matt:Edibles. What a company. I know that 401 Kush. Now, this is a benefit package matt, matt, yeah, everyone, everyone eats.
Eric:They get back to their desks and about 20 of the company finds out that they've been laid off no fucking way. Yeah, dog they. Because someone in executive leadership thought is like well, no, they'll that, like you know they'll. Uh, they'll be in a better mood about it if they're well-fed and stuff when they get back.
Matt:Matt Little did they know they were eating their severance package? Oh dog, oh my Matt and this isn't recent though this is no, no, no, no. This is historical.
Eric:This was like fucking, probably 15 years ago at this point, probably 15 years ago at this point, matt, the backlash was biblical. Oh, of course, the people in charge of it were disciplined. Fucking the. The morale plummeted. The company issued like apologies and shit to the rest of the, the people who had still had their jobs. And then matt, yeah, and then Matt, the next year they did it again. They did it again.
Matt:Oh my God, and how far removed are we from this at this point? Probably like 14 years. Oh, okay, it was a long time ago. It was a long time ago.
Eric:Yeah, okay, I thought this was a Mississippi minute ago.
Matt:Oh my God, that is true, because right now, in today's climate, in today's economy, that'd be viral news.
Eric:Oh yeah, this was pretty. Yeah, that should be all over TikTok. Oh. So all that to say kids, no such thing as a free luncheon, no such thing as a free luncheon in the workplace. No, your surveys are not anonymous, your feedback is not anonymous, and when they bring you to the all hands and tell you all as well, dust up your resume, dust up your resume.
Matt:Wow, eric, that is a shocking tale of employee appreciation and I'll be honest, I think I'm going to let the audience just guess what the first 13 minutes of this cold open was. I think we go here and leave it as a mystery. Well, hello everybody, and welcome to you. Didn't Ask for this. It's the podcast that answers life's least pressing questions and cuts off half of the opening segment. My name's Matt Shea. My name's Eric Poach.
Eric:Eric Poach, how are you Enjoying this fucking beautiful dreary weather? We're in that time of year in Maryland where it seems to only want to rain on the weekend.
Matt:Well, we, yeah, we just went through the second spring, which is, of of course, the spring of deception. Yes, um, it lasts about a week. Everybody forgets that it's the spring of deception before it comes crashing back down. Earlier this week it was 30 fucking degrees again. Yep, out of nowhere.
Eric:Trees are blooming, flowers are popping up, the grass is growing 30 degrees, maryland is is just in whiplash it takes it spring, edges you yes, in maryland, yes, it takes three false springs before actual spring arrives in maryland I I remember one year I I got went camping and I made the mistake of doing it in fucking like March, April time Got to really pay attention to the weather forecast.
Matt:if you're camping, then At night.
Eric:I remember one night it got down to like 20 degrees. I had to sleep in my car, it was so cold. And then the next day, as all great, as Bear Grylls is known to do, and then the next day, as all great as Bear Grylls is known to do, the next day I was in shorts and a t-shirt and I got a sunburn.
Matt:Yeah, that's Marilyn. That's Marilyn, baby Right there.
Eric:Speaking of which, do you watch Celebrity Bear Hunt? You mentioned Bear Grylls.
Matt:No, I don't Bro do you know the premise? I'm going to guess, based solely on what you just said. It is a bunch of celebrities being dumped in the woods with Bear Grylls and trying to find Bear Grylls.
Eric:You're not far off. Okay, like you're not, you got surprisingly close.
Matt:It's the most dangerous game without the most dangerous game. So here's what it is.
Eric:Bunch of British celebrities Okay, celebrities, okay with bear grills, on an island. Love it, uh, wilderness island. He is teaching them survival and survival skills. In fact, a couple of taskmaster uh one of the one of the uh contestants was on taskmaster oh great, okay, he teaches them things. They have to compete in survival challenges. If they fail the challenge, the team that loses the challenge gets sent to the bear pit. Matthew, the bear pit is a gigantic 100-acre compound that is fenced off and you get placed in the bear pit, in which there are only four exits, and you have to get out of the bear pit. Meanwhile, bear grills is actively hunting you throughout the bear. It's fucking amazing.
Eric:What happens when he finds you? When he finds it basically turns into extreme tag, like he has to catch you and restrain you and then like you're and then, if he does, you face the possibility of being eliminated from the show okay.
Matt:First of all, if bear grills tackles you in the woods, you should be eliminated.
Eric:I feel I I watched bear grills. See, see guy, a hapless contestant, this dude, I was watching him. I'm like you're never going to, you're done, you're cooked. He's like he's just not having a good time. And while he's like tromping through the woods, bear Grylls is up on like a fucking ridge and like he's like oh, I found him. Oh there, he is there, he is. Oh, he's approaching one. Bear grill sets traps. There's there. He has like the classic net, net lifting trap. He is like he sets up. He has like zip lines and shit up in the trees. Matt, this man goes like crest, like a little ridge in the forest and then you just hear bear grills shout his name lawrence and just comes zip lining from the heavens lawrence, I found you and normally there's like a fucking, there's like a chase, and lawrence just gives up immediately.
Eric:He's like fucking, put me out of my misery, take me home just take me, bear, take me, don't you move lawrence. That's my favorite quote.
Matt:Don't you move, lawrence oh my god, you gotta watch it. I might need to check out this. This extreme bear hunt it's called uh, celebrity bear hunt it fucking rules that? That does sound quite delightful.
Eric:Yeah, oh so that's how I'm doing oh yeah, I see, I see.
Matt:Well, eric, I'll tell you what. We have quite the show for the audience on tap today. Not only do we have some good questions, we have the new season of Google gripe. We're going back to the cinema for another movie edition of Google gripes, so I have prepared the first round for you, eric. We will get to that. We will get to that at the end. But first, eric, I'm looking down here at the uh, the thought line, alert light that I keep on my desk at all times.
Eric:Yeah, yeah. He's saying we got a message.
Matt:Oh my God, it's saying it's pressing, and by that I mean it's, it's. It's been sitting in the voicemail for a few weeks, so here we go. Hey, you didn't ask for this, folks. This is your old friends.
Eric:This is my question is when people say that's right up my alley, what street is that alley off of?
Matt:Thank, you have a great day. Short sweet Steve to the point, that didn't make any sense.
Eric:Steve-less in Seattle Didn't make any goddamn sense what I just said.
Matt:Yeah, but I'll, yes, and that Steve-less in Seattle. Good to hear from you, good to hear your dulcet, I truly.
Eric:and Matt, I think you could agree with me here.
Matt:Let's find out when you think the word dulcet Steve was in.
Eric:Seattle. Yeah, that voice is dulcet.
Matt:I think I'd like that voice on a call map. Yes, just reading me a story.
Eric:If I'm on the tram and then a voice is coming over to tell me about some landmark that the tram is passing, I want that to be Steve Bliss in Seattle's voice.
Matt:Absolutely, I think so, and Steve Bliss has brought what is sort of a timeless question to us about the alleys, and what alley it's up. So what jumps to mind? For you, for me, yeah, for you.
Eric:If something's right up my alley, yeah, it's off easy street, baby, it's off easy street what did I? Say what did I always tell you, matt?
Eric:easy street and fucking that's when something is right when someone every time I use the phrase oh, that's right up my alley is when someone is describing something to me that just drips with comfort and self-care. When someone's like yeah, I mean like, we go to this thing. We're like you know, I go to a spa in hershey and they give us all the hot chocolate we want, I'm like that is right up my alley, that is my alley and that alley happens to be off of chocolate avenue chocolate avenue which is a real street, which is, of course, a real street in there.
Matt:She does wait oh, of course it is yes, oh, my god, I am in need of a spa day, as it turns out, having only been a few months removed from my first and only one damn, I need another one.
Eric:I, I, I still. I think I've thought about it so much since you brought it up and I want it, I want you should go to that spot and we one day should do a.
Matt:You daft, and afraid in this spot we have to find us, we have to find a spot that'll let us do it, but oh yes, and then we do it. I don't know if that'll you da daft and relaxed. Don't get excited listeners. That might not ever happen, although I will say the Discord has been going off with where there should be some suggestions. Oh the suggestions have been baller when we should go for number three.
Matt:And I think it's safe to say we will not be waiting a whole year. Three will come a lot faster than two did.
Eric:Yeah, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Matt:But we're here to talk about alleys, not talk about you, daft and frayed through.
Eric:Thank you, Matt. And Matt, can I ask you a sort of clarification to this question?
Matt:Sure, I didn't ask it, but absolutely.
Eric:Describe me, describe to me your ideal alley, because this is my alley. When it's up, my alley, oh, that's a good.
Matt:Eric, that's a good angle to go.
Eric:Talk to me about your alley Matt.
Matt:Okay, I truly my alley like a good alley for me where I would feel like feel good going into. It's not I don't feel like it's an alley that really jumps to mind, because when I think alley I think wet, I think trash.
Eric:Yes, dripping, dripping, trash.
Matt:I think narrow, narrow wet trash. I think, like between buildings dirty, very dirty, dirty, narrow wet trash, and should I go down there? You know, like that is the general vibe I get from alleys Something, scuttles Something scuttles.
Matt:Something is scuttling I feel like my alley yeah, talk to me about it Would be like an alley between cottages and a countryside. Ooh, okay, like you turn down, but really it's like it's like those, you see, those like British neighborhoods where, like it's all it's like courtyards in the back, you know it's everyone's yard is backing up to each other, but there's like a little alley going down the middle. That, I feel like, is my alley, cause you walk by people, it's all it's. It's all gardens and it's not carports, it's. It's not a traffic alley, no foot alley it's a foot alley.
Matt:It's where a lot of pie windows let out into every single house on my alley has a pie cooling in the window, Every single one of them. There's also a good like a reading spot in every single backyard you know, it's all there. Somebody's maybe grilling Maybe. Maybe, At the end of the alley there's a fire pit.
Eric:Oh, my God Matt.
Matt:There's a fire pit at the end of the alley and it's all green. And what's scuttling in this alley? Eric, I'll tell you Rabbits, squirrels, chickens, maybe a chicken, maybe a chicken.
Eric:And you know all the chickens. So you know like, oh, what are you doing, Theodore?
Matt:And then, at the very end, it backs up to a nice little field Sheep, sheep, sheep, sheep, sheep for days, sheep and one goat named Edgar.
Eric:Damn.
Matt:Yeah, that's my alley man, that's my alley and maybe for no reason I'm going to throw in a butler.
Eric:Yes, the butler of the alley or a groundskeeper?
Matt:Yes, Actually I like that better. Forget the butler, you get a nice groundskeeper.
Eric:The groundskeeper is the butler's brother.
Matt:He's stern but friendly, always has a useful bit of wisdom, a sweet for the kids. He's got a bit of wisdom, but if you mess with him he's going to give you a stern talking to.
Eric:Oh yeah.
Matt:Don't mess with his hedges. Don't mess with his hedges. But he's who keeps it cozy. He Don't mess with his hedges. Don't mess with his hedges, but he's who keeps it cozy. He's who keeps everything you know. He's way more stressed than he needs to be.
Eric:Yeah, do you know that one hobbit in Lord of the Rings when they're all at the Prancing Pony? And or was it the Green Dragon? I think it was the Green Dragon.
Matt:Don't get caught up in there.
Eric:It's the bar of the hobbits hangout, but one of the hobbits hang out, but one of the hobbits is pointing his pipe jocusingly at at samwise gamgee and they're talking like now.
Matt:Don't go following trouble. No trouble will follow you.
Eric:Yes, that is exactly the vibe that's the vibe that's the vibe, yeah, but you know, like in a heartbeat, when the shit hits the fan, he's stepping up, he's the.
Matt:Yeah, if the. When the children run past him, he's always like I told you kids not to run, but he makes no effort to stop them no, goodness no no, no, no god bad for his knees he can't. He's got to go tend to the sheep yeah, he's got to tend to the sheep. What a good alley that's my alley, eric, describe to me your alley buckle up.
Eric:Oh, matt, I am my alley. I love, I love an alley that's gotta. There's stories going on in that alley. Yeah, like you, it's like the, you're, you, the alleys. You look down and it it twists and turns and matt, like there's, there's steam coming out of vents.
Matt:It is so wet, it is so wet, oh it is wet, it's like a city alley, then it's like a city alley, but imagine like mossy mossy alley Mossy, matt, like lots of low doors, like a lot of like there's businesses down this alley, like all like the low little tea houses. Okay, so are we talking foot based alley again, or yes, oh?
Eric:it is a, it is a foot, but you can maybe, maybe get like a one of those like tricycle bikes that that has like a wagon on the back for you to load your produce into. You can get like one of those into this alley maybe. Oh, you can hear it. You can hear the alley.
Matt:Wait, you want to keep the police siren in in your alley.
Eric:That's off in the distance. It's setting the ambience.
Matt:Oh, the ambience, the ambience. See, I don't want that. I want that ambience as far away from my alley as possible. That's fair. But where am I?
Eric:alley You're absolutely right like I'm imagining like a very almost like cyber punk, like not cyber punky, but very, uh, blade runner coded, sort of like low, like like it. This is an alley that is bustling most at night when all of like the little lanterns come out over the doors of the businesses and they have to be lit, they have to, they have to be lit, they are lit, they are candle lit lanterns.
Matt:I was gonna say not even gas.
Eric:It's got to be candle lit 100% there's. There's street peddlers. There's like fucking like food. You get street food. There's like little, all the little spots where, like you will never find them on Google Maps. You have to be told about them and like show up like the places that are open between midnight and 7 am. Okay, all right, that is. This is where you come to get your mogwai. This is where you come to get like the fuck, to get some mysterious relic or to like talk to a guy about a thing I feel like someone's playing three card monty somewhere, yes, in the alley oh my god, there's, there's lookouts and shit.
Eric:Everywhere there's lookouts, but the police never come no, no, they know better than that. They.
Matt:They know better than that they know better than that.
Eric:Yeah, and everyone's, everyone's fine, everyone's cool.
Matt:Everyone's cool, everyone's cool.
Eric:The vibe of the alley is like don't bring nothing if you don't want to start nothing.
Matt:Everybody's cool on A-Cab Alley.
Eric:A-Cab Alley. Everyone's cool on A-Cab Alley babe.
Matt:Okay, so A-Cab Alley is what's? The other part of this question is what street is your alley off of? So a cab alley, which is definitely the name of your alley now.
Eric:Oh yeah, it is now um that's, I'm gonna say that's off uh is it all?
Matt:okay, let's ease into it. Is it off a major street? Is it off of? It is side street.
Eric:You got to really weave your way to this my alley is an alley off of an alley, like it is like you're in a car alley and then there's a second alley. Okay, that is, I love my. My alley is like immaculate vibes that you have to stumble upon.
Matt:Yes, yes, also remember stumble upon the internet, bro I to stumble upon. Yes, yes, also remember, stumble upon the internet.
Eric:Bro, I miss stumble upon so much.
Matt:Whatever happened to stumble upon? I haven't thought about stumble upon in 15 years.
Eric:People stumble upon, ruled. And then what happened is they is that like executive realized like, oh, we can just direct people to where our advertisers want them to go, and then it sucked ass.
Matt:Same thing having a chat roulette. After they got rid, they tried to get rid of the dicks, and then they made it sponsored and then no one gave a shit anymore bring back the dicks bring back the dicks, bring back the dick. Oh man, in college we would have like we were in prime chat roulette time. Oh my God, Because we would just fire up a laptop and throw down some chat roulette.
Eric:Bunch of theater kids playing chat roulette.
Matt:Yeah, and we'd get. When you get a jerk off video, you're just sort of like. I remember once we were with a bunch of people I don't you weren't there, I don't think but we were doing the chat roulette thing. We got somebody jerking off and we just started giving notes and then they switched that is a fucking victory, less vain, whoa whoa, whoa, slow it down take it what's the rush.
Matt:Damn son. You, sir, does it owe you money, my alley? Thank you so much for asking. It's located on. Well, first of all. Yeah, it's located in a small village yes, it's bus ends with shire, it's, it ends with shire, uh, it's, it is bustling, there's lots of. First of all, there are no cars because, of course, this village is located on a small island that is only accessible by boat.
Eric:And it's very. It was just designed very intelligently. It was designed to be walkable, like all communities should.
Matt:It was designed to be walkable and so it's like in the heart of town, but it's hard to get to, you know. But and it's, it's both in the heart of town and off to the side because of the, the pasture for the sheep and the goat absolutely edgar.
Eric:The alley, your alley, I feel like, is like the water cooler of the village, in the sense that, much like the water cooler in the workplace, all the real decisions get made there.
Matt:Yes, it is the room where it happens. Yes, Everybody the mayor lives on the street, probably, and comes out and is just like arm over the fence at some point and four or five people get to talking and policy is decided.
Eric:When the mayor walks down this alley, they call it parliament. When the mayor walks down this alley. They call it parliament. When the mayor walks down this alley like hat in hand because he's nervous about some decision he has to make, and like he comes to consult you.
Matt:You're out there, he paces.
Eric:Oh, he paces, he rounds the bend, comes by your fence and he's like oh, mr Shea.
Matt:Like trying to act like he, just like, oh I coming by and you're like, mr mayor, mr mayor, back again so soon. What troubles you, my? Friend, come on and have a pie do you, would you have a minute for me, for the mayor? Anything for you, sir?
Eric:everyone you can. It's perceptible everyone in the houses around you can feel like windows creaking open.
Matt:So they can windows creaking open as I say uh, you know scotch for you, mr man, you know oh yeah, yep, yep, yep here you go.
Eric:I wouldn't, but I wouldn't begrudge poor, I wouldn't begrudge a two-finger next door is like the husband, like leaning, he's like oh, oh, oh, he's getting the scotch, he's getting the scotch, he's getting the scotch.
Matt:This is gonna be good. He's gonna tell us everything tomorrow yeah god, what a good alley.
Eric:My, uh, my alley, meanwhile, is it's an alley, I would say. It's positioned somewhere between the docks and like the, the, the, the city's park like if there's like a big loan park. Yeah, the city's loan park. It is on the, it's called loan park actually it's called loan park. This is. This is where. No, this is the tree this is the tree tree it's very large. It has to provide shade for the whole city. There's the tree, there's the bench. Have at it have at it.
Eric:There is one jungle gym it's a jungle, james, actually jungle james uh, oh man, um, in my alley is the place where you constantly see people, because like it's a lot of ducking into doorways. All the doorways are low or like set down, like you got to go down a small flight of steps to get like into the thing. Yeah, and it's a lot of like that scene in the movie where someone comes in like they're in a cloak or whatever and they step in and like and it's the mayor like the mayor, so it's like you know.
Eric:I can't be seen here. Oh, Mr Mayor, come right in.
Matt:I mean, sir Edgar, again Edgar the only name I can come up with.
Eric:It's a place where like and the mayor comes in and dudes start like closing shutters and door, like they turn the open sign off, like it's a mr booze situation. I'm like, ah, mr mayor, what is your pleasure?
Matt:oh, now come on eric. You know I can't be seen as he looks over both shoulders taking part of such for viralities.
Eric:Of course, mr, just meet you around the back and that's when like this is the part where I like matt, like the dingiest little room, like this is like it would be a tea house. It was like a little, a little little tea room and like there's smoke hanging in the air. There's like, yeah, and then we go, we, we. We go around like the counter where people point to, I nod to someone, they nod to me and they press a button or something, and then it's like a door opens up and you hear a roar of a crowd as we go into. It's like the underground Thunderdome, like Mr Mayor place your bets, I dig it.
Eric:Yeah, that shit's right up my alley.
Matt:So I think there you go, steveless in seattle. Those are our alleys and their respective streets and their respective streets and how you get to them, and all the details you could possibly want about our alleys.
Eric:Please send any fan fiction you write about our world settings to yadaft at gmailcom.
Matt:You didn't ask for that. It's gmailcom.
Eric:I'm on Twitter. It's all right. Eric man, I'm struggling. It's why you don't do the business.
Matt:It's why I don't do the business. No, and it's funny you should say that because when we were trying to come up with a cold open, I was looking through my ya daft ideas and at one point I wrote down fanfic segment. So send in your Eric and Matt fan fiction.
Eric:And hey guys listen listen, keep it dirty. Keep it fucking filthy.
Matt:I want it filthy Unless it's in my alley. None of that, none of that. That's Eric's alley. I want it filthy, unless it's in my alley None of that. None of that.
Matt:That's Eric's alley, my alley, wet oh yeah, slick, even Ooh Moist, sliding off of it like an orca in the sea. Now this next one, speaking of email, did come to us via email and it comes from good friend of the pod, bobby, from effin cultured bobby. Bobby, good to hear from you. Bobby writes, as you both know, we, they being a bit be an effin cultured, like to do an occasional roast over at FN culture. Yes, we do. In fact we've, we've done a. Well, I've done one and been unable to make the next two. Have you done?
Eric:three Eric, I've done, I've done. I did Mario, I did Santa Claus, I think I've done. Two Was there? There had to be a third.
Matt:I think you might've done a third. Okay, so he does give some examples. In the past they have roasted Mars, the solar system, mother Goose, various cryptids, cap'n Crunch, mario, nintendo in general, rankin Bass, santa and fast food mascots as some of their examples. They say we try to roast characters or ideas that can't get offended and usually don't exist. It's a great time.
Eric:Go seek out their roast episodes.
Matt:I'm hoping, whenever this one rolls around, I'm able to do it, particularly because they are approaching us in what is a real ya daft move to get the general audience to come up with their content, and I just love that he's not even doing it to his show. Is this what we've been doing?
Eric:to people. Yes, eric, oh, we're devious. We're devious Underhanded.
Matt:Oh yeah, oh yeah. And I applaud Bobby at FN Cultured for for the, for this move, for this stratagem that he has pulled. Yes. So, Eric, what do you? Who let me just real quick off the dome who do?
Eric:you want to roast. I legitimately had not come to any sort of consensus in my mind. I've been like thinking about this so much, drawing blanks, until I heard you reading the question off and I was thinking about all my fond roast memories because Matt the key to a good roast isn't bullshitting your way through it until you figure out what you're going to say.
Matt:That, okay, primarily.
Eric:Yeah, you're doing a great job of that but I'd say a solid 20% of it is not just, and I, eric, I got, I got, got.
Matt:I have to interrupt you right away because I have to tell the audience, I have to, I have to prep them. You don't understand how good eric poach is at these roasts and I know for a fact bobby from effing cultured would agree with me, I feel. When I did my roast it was pretty good, and then eric came in and blew the fucking doors off the place and he's done that in every subsequent thing. You come in with a script that goes so hard, that has, and like you just launch into it this vitriolic, beautifully worded, shockingly offensive roast and it's really a treat. So everybody go well, of course, check out Offhand Culture in general, but check out their roast episodes, because Eric's really on to something when it comes to insulting fictional beings.
Eric:Babe, you honor me. I honor you and I honor this friendship.
Matt:I do honor you and I don't mind saying more than I should yeah yeah, yeah, more than it's deserved, that's for sure well, now that that beautiful preamble.
Eric:Thank you very much. Yeah, now say your funny thing a roast isn't just about talking shit. Funny, no, no, no. It's got to come from a place of love. That is it it's. It has to be something you truly like, you love and adore. That's what makes it so funny that you're talking so much shit about it. So for that I submit the following okay, bilbo baggins, oh, eric, you would have a time I would eat matt well, and they would fucking, they would have to do the whole like fellowship yeah, lord of the lord of the rings would be the road.
Matt:I know that's not bilbo in general, but like basically, lord of the rings, you would have such a time. I would matt you would go for. The only thing the the word of caution I'd give to you, eric, is you might get lost in the sauce a little bit.
Eric:I might I start dropping like Simerillion shit.
Matt:Exactly that's exactly what I mean. Just mentioning the word Eric proves my point.
Eric:Yeah, when Eru begat, fuck face over here.
Matt:See, you might get lost in the sauce.
Eric:Another thing they could do is uh, this just occurred to me because of the nintendo connection because they they did mario, but you could do just the zelda universe, specifically I can't remember if the mario universe included any from the the zelda, the zelda sphere, I think, zelda, because we, we were talking, it was kind of like a smash brothers ask in that like a lot of video games sure in attendance.
Matt:But there's more than just link in zelda. Right, you can get in there, yeah and 100.
Eric:I think a zelda roast would be phenomenal, um and especially because, like it's tingle alone oh my god tingle alone.
Matt:You're going down a road that's one hell of a tingle. Alley is not a place you want to get caught if. If, by the way, my alley has no name, oh, my alley doesn't need one doesn't need one. It's not on any map. That goes without saying that's good.
Eric:Thank you, that's good. I I will say, if we do it like we've done, the other roasts and like the, the boys um from neat cast are there as well. Mike's gotta come dressed as tingle mike.
Matt:You know what, no matter what the theme, mike is like morally obligated to come dressed as Tingle Mike from Needcast should. Next time I see him, he better be tingled. I apologize, I apologize Actually. You know what. I just pictured it. I do not want to see it Now.
Eric:I need it, I need it and I don't want to see it, you hate to see it, but you love to do it. That's what.
Matt:I always say you know, with this rundown I'm surprised they haven't done like Marvel, but it's a little like bleh, the fruit is hanging pretty low there, it's so low. It's a crab apple that's falling on the ground.
Eric:It costs more energy to bend down and pick it up than to just let it lie.
Matt:I feel similarly about like, of course you, you pull out, lord of the rings. I feel like I should pull out back to the future, but like there's a place of love there, but like it there's, I don't think there's quite the fodder because, like, lord of the rings has such like deep lore and you can go anywhere. Love back to the future. I mean I am aware that people are not on my level with back. You know what I mean.
Matt:Like I am aware not everybody knows you'll be the roast fact checker yeah, like not everybody can tell you the name of the homeless man that is in the time town square.
Eric:His name is red.
Matt:Very good, eric, thank you very good. His name is red red.
Eric:Okay, not everybody, but eric can but because I think, because I learned it from you, crazy drunk driver red. This is the way he says red, exactly.
Matt:Yes, um, uh, that and and God is like we'll have to draw straws to see who gets to make the fucking your own mom jokes for the, because there's an event I don't have to tell you never happened, of course, and the, but the gay romance between doc and Marty, like it's just, it's been done to death, it's been done to death is what I'm saying.
Eric:It's been done to death. I mean, all of Rick and Morty is pretty much a roast of Back to the Future. Yeah.
Matt:I mean pretty much, yeah, you know.
Eric:Zelda. Legend of Zelda I love.
Matt:I think Zelda's got some real legs, james.
Eric:Bond. Maybe James Bond would be good, maybe, maybe.
Matt:Maybe I'm not 100% sold on it.
Eric:Bobby from FN Cultured If this were like five or six years ago, I would have said Harry Potter, well, sure, I mean, but now it's just sad. Yeah, it's hard, there's too much sad around it. Ooh, it's hard to do that now nowadays, see, and again, this is someone I'd love to roast, but again it you gotta love them. Uh, hp, lovecraft, and that's where it's kind of difficult because, I could, I could go. I've gone on so many screeds about lovecraft, but I don't love the guy huh, what about?
Matt:just like hp, lovecraft, edgar allen, poe, cthulhu, william Faulkner, like Hemingway, like just all the like really? I want to say for your highbrow roast, for the discerning roaster. For the discerning, effing cultured listener, the classic literature roast.
Eric:Oh yeah, comedy gold man.
Matt:Absolutely coming Shakespeare.
Eric:Shakespeare's pretty universal. Shakespeare's pretty universal.
Matt:Shakespeare's pretty universal, at least more universal than most of the things I've said.
Eric:If neat cast comes, Mike's got to come dressed as Shakespeare.
Matt:I need to see Mike dressed as Tingle and I need to see Mike dressed as William Shakespeare. I would like to see him change midway through to both of those things?
Eric:Yes, midway through. Yes, both of those things. Yes, for those of you listening, mike's dedication to bits is truly biblical. It's uh for the, it's intense for the rankin bass roast. He showed up, mind you audio medium with a snowman puppet and the snowman puppet delivered the entire roast into the zoom camera. So that was for nobody, except for us people and mike, which means it was all for mike. Which means it was. And that's what I love about mike's sense of humor is because, at the end of the day, he does not give a fuck about anything other than what he finds hilarious, and it makes me laugh.
Matt:And that's what makes a good, that's what makes a good bit really hum.
Eric:He commits to it so fucking hard.
Matt:I think, yeah, Okay, so we've given. We've given some suggestions. I'm just trying to. I'm looking around my office for inspiration.
Eric:Oh yeah, let me do the same. There's a painting of dolphins.
Matt:You office for inspiration. Oh yeah, let me do the same. There's a painting of dolphins you could do, stephen king, you could do stephen king.
Eric:Oh, universe. Um, that's the highbrow. Can I hit you with the with the rl stein oh, absolutely, uh, sure thing oh talk about beloved.
Matt:Oh, maybe there's something there to just like kid stuff in general, like the Berenstain Bears, dr Seuss, da-ha-ha-ha, eric you hit a good one, dr. Seuss is good. Dr Seuss is good.
Eric:Are you taking these down?
Matt:Bobby, I hope you're taking notes. I'm not writing down shit. No, I'm not writing this down for him. He can download the transcript if he must.
Eric:Listen to F and Cultured today.
Matt:Listen to F and Cultured today. I think we've done enough free promotion.
Eric:And listen to the Neatcast.
Matt:Listen to the Neatcast, listen to F and Cultured, listen to all of the podcasts that we give off from time to time.
Eric:Against all oddities, the World is my burrito and if you're one of these podcasts, do me a solid don't get fucking canceled, don't get fucking canceled for anything bad because, let me tell you, it was the the, the dis, the distance between me praising hawk to a girl's success and like her, but the distance between that and her getting like locked down for crypto manipulation was like two days it was very unfortunately timed.
Matt:Yes, could at least give me like a week I do believe in retrospect, the, the crypto thing was blown out of proportion, as if I'm recalling correct. But I'm shocked to uh. Very good, eric thank you very good, very good. You truly are the bard of our time. And with that, how about?
Eric:another question. Yes, go ahead this one age-old question. This was submitted by email from Evan. Evan asks where have all the cowboys gone? This is a nearly 30-year-old mystery, absolutely when have all the cowboys gone?
Matt:Now, first and foremost, I believe this is referring to the titular song by paula cole, 1996, of where have all the cowboys gone? But first I have to mention I just have to mention that I happen to know the evan in question that sent in this quest that the is it that, evan? It is that evan and this ev, evan has binged. You Didn't Ask For this. Like 80% of it, like from episode 20 or so on, in like the last five months. Like has just gone through it.
Eric:Truly breathtaking.
Matt:I gobsmacked, gobsmacked, and he submitted this question a while ago, before he was fully caught up. But he he thought of, he wanted to put it in and I didn't want us to do it until I knew he was up to date. So, evan, I just want to say welcome, welcome, welcome to the present and thank you for being such a fan of our and I can't stress this enough useless bullshit yeah, I love that.
Eric:That. It it's like if you took all of our show, we've essentially taken all of our content, poured it into the sieve of evan's mind and and condense it and this is what popped out. If you took all everything leading up to this moment has led to bloop. We have all the cowboys gone.
Matt:And that is beautiful to me. In that respect, eric, let's get into it. I have to ask the immediate question does that make us the cowboys?
Eric:Ooh, yeehaw, yee, and I cannot stress this enough haw. Root and I say again, tootin one of my favorite sayings on earth be rootin, be tootin and by god, be shootin, but be kind you ruined it at the end, absolutely ruined it at the end. Where have all the cowboys gone?
Matt:now we'll confess I know the song, but it had been such a minute since I Absolutely ruined it at the end. Where have all the cowboys gone? Now, we'll confess I know the song, but it had been such a minute since I heard it. We both gave it a little listen before we started recording had to had to 1996, Paul Cole.
Eric:Had to, because I wanted to.
Matt:But I find some of the questions that are asked in this song a little interesting in today's climate. For example, where is my John Wayne? He's dead, also a Nazi. Where is my prairie song? They're Walmarts. Where is my happy ending?
Eric:Hey, now $80 right down the street.
Matt:And where have all the cowboys gone? That is the question. By the way, eric, while we're at it, why don't you stay the evening, kick back and watch the tv and I'll fix you a little something to eat. Oh, I know your back hurts from working on the tractor. How do you take your coffee, my sweet?
Eric:I'll raise the children if you pay all the bills.
Matt:I know I'll raise the children if you pay all the bills.
Eric:Actual lyric from 1996 is the first one because it has like this, has like a, it's like a modern day scarborough fair. And is it, you know, because scarborough like, make me a like, tell her I'm familiar.
Eric:An acre of land. It's like the increasing stakes, like it goes from okay, make me a kamarick shirt, find me an acre of land, but in cowboys it's I. The first one is I'll do all, I. I will do the laundry if you pay all the bills. I'll say this, not quite enticing yet, and we get, we build to.
Matt:I am wearing my new dress tonight, but you don't, you don't even notice me. Say our goodbyes, say our goodbyes, say our goodbyes. We finally sell the Chevy. When we had another baby and you took that job in Tennessee, you made friends at the farm. You joined them at the bar almost every single day of the week. That doesn't rhyme. I will wash the dishes while you go have a beer. And then we're back to the fucking John Wayne. Where have the cowboys gone? Where's my Marlboro man man? Where's his shiny gun? Where's my lonely ranger? Not his name, no, not his name.
Eric:And he turned out to be a cannibal and if he's a lonely ranger, by definition, you can't have him, that's absolutely true.
Matt:he's off being a cannibal, that's. You know, that's my Armie Hammer joke, armie Hammer.
Eric:For those of you who observe For you for you who observe Armie Hammer Remembrance Day. On this April 11th.
Matt:You know he does have a podcast. Now he's attempting a mini comeback. I believe the. Would you like to guess the name of the podcast, because I'm pretty sure I know it uh, our army him hall murd in chat time podcast. It's army hammer time. That's the name of the podcast oh, that's army.
Eric:I liked mine better.
Matt:So, okay, I think what I'm saying is we have to establish who these cowboys are, and right now they just sound like toxic men from the 50s.
Eric:Toxic men, one of whom had to be restrained from physically assaulting a Native American woman during the Oscars. Yes, yes.
Matt:That'd be John Wayne, in case anyone is confused about what Eric's talking about.
Eric:Yeah, it wasn't the Marlboro man.
Matt:Um, I know John Wayne. John Wayne, for some reason, continues to be like, uh uh, a very static figure in, like the echelon of American pop culture, and he couldn't be more of a piece of shit.
Eric:Oh he's, he's absolute trash he's a he's a literal nazi yeah, yeah, the dude hates anyone who isn't white, and that's about this, and and, and importantly, women, I think yes, oh my god paula included him in this particular song which paul's like Gaga even had the John Wayne song. That's right, and it's a good ass song. The point is, but if anyone's going to make it, I mean Gaga she can do no wrong.
Matt:Okay, so fuck, john Wayne. We've checked that box, fuck.
Eric:John Wayne. What I will say is also standing out to me is like they're talking about cowboys. But then the lyrics I know your back hurts from working on the tractor. Cowboys, don't use tractors.
Matt:No, they ride horses. Emotional turmoil of the song and the inherent sexism of these men that Paul Cole is commenting on is the fact that the American cowboy did sort of get wiped away by the industrial revolution. Yes, and the cowboy way of life, really, as we know, it is dead outside of, say, the television program Yellowstone.
Eric:Yes, and if you ask historians about this, they'll typically point out that what we romanticize, like the Old West as the movie is portrayed, and all really didn't exist. And if it did, it was for like a period of a couple years and then it was like there were no. There weren't high noon shootouts. There weren't like well, yeah, there were there, there were. The okay corral fight lasted like 30 seconds that the shootout of the okay corral.
Matt:That's very true. I actually think it's something like 23 seconds, like it's. It's something incredibly short, yeah, and yet we're here. We are talking about it Also. Rest in peace, val Kilmer.
Eric:Oh, fucking rip.
Matt:That's my bad that broke Not long before we record, like last week, that one hurt, that one hurt.
Eric:Uh, gene Hackman too, of course, but that one, that one hurt real bad and I'll and I'll say was we're talking a lot about cowboys in the famous like media sense, but then there were actual cattle ranchers, like cowboy people who would drive cattle like hundreds of miles, but they too are gone, is what I'm saying. They too are gone To, to, to put like these days, the air quotes cowboy. Cowboy is more of an aesthetic. It is like there are, there are, cattle ranchers, but they they're not actually wrangling the cattle.
Matt:They're not wrangling the cattle. I feel like they're mostly competing in the rodeos and things. You don't get a lot of sitting by the fire going.
Eric:Oh, there it is.
Matt:I can't play the harmonica, but it'd be great if I could have in that moment.
Eric:Do you know what I'd kill for? I know what we need to bring back. A people should be wearing cowboy hats. Everyone should be wearing cowboy. I do not agree.
Matt:In the year of our Lord, 2025,. If I see a man in a cowboy hat, I will make assumptions about them and who they voted for.
Eric:Oh no, that is fair. That's why we need to reclaim. Why should they get all the fun accessories? Fuck that, okay, I want to ruin cowboy hats for the assholes. Um okay, let's put some bernie bumper stickers on some stetsons but, like I love the classic move, because with a cowboy hat you could do the classic move where you're like you've just saved the day, you're getting on your horse and then like the, the, the will, they won't they, lady, that you've been helping this whole time you hit them with the you don't you don't tip you, you, you, barely.
Eric:You just touch, you pinch the brim between your and just give the slightest nods, hit him with ma'am, ma'am.
Matt:Oh, what a fucking power move I want, oh although in our version of the cowboy I think it'd be more like didn't catch your pronouns. Excuse me, just if you could just write them down so I know next time oh no, here's.
Eric:Here's how my dude, my guy uh, my guy my guy, uh, god damn, I would say today, matt, I'm just gonna say it, I'm just gonna say it about the state of cowboys today, and I, you can all fucking quote me. Okay, here we go. Everyone get ready. All hat no cattle.
Matt:Eric, there it is, there it is.
Eric:That's the cowboy. I learned that that's a term that cowboys use to talk shit about each other. When someone just dresses like a cowboy, All hat no cattle.
Matt:Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think that's inherent into the phrase. I think you get the meaning, don't you? All shit, no giggle. Okay, that one less sure who that's about. It sounds like a toddler with developmental issues, perhaps.
Eric:You've yeed your last haul, padre.
Matt:You've yeed your last haul, padre, that's good. If you are threatening a priest, hop Papa Dre. Uh, that's good. If you are threatening a priest in the old West, yes, yes. I think so. What we've talked about is like, canonically, sort of where the cowboys have gone and how they've been erased from the culture. Uh, into just being a caricature. Right, that's what they've disappeared into the world and realm of caricature.
Eric:Where have they gone, red Dead Redemption 2.
Matt:Red Dead Redemption 2, which I actually was tempted to bring up a minute ago when you were talking about the Old West and how it didn't exist, which I think there's. I'm not sure the historians are talking about, because there's definitely an Old West that exists.
Eric:There is, but not sure the historians are talking about, because there's definitely an old west that exists. There is, but it's just nothing. It doesn't even remotely approach anything we've portrayed it like it, like romanticized popular culture has been romanticizing.
Matt:Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, and it and the the wild west was also, I think, uh, the, the portrayals of the wild west is a little light on the just killing and raping that happened.
Eric:Yes, like the horrific, it was much sadder.
Matt:Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, and so there is all that to contend with. But Red Dead Redemption 2 is very interestingly, it takes place at the crux of the end of the sort of outlaw days, and the Industrial Revolution is happening and the outlaws officially, you know, the Pinkertons are on the rise and law and order is finally coming to the West, and it is very much about the dying days of the cowboy, and I actually do think it is a, uh, an applicable moment to if I could, if I could phrase it, if I could phrase it one way to quote the simpsons please do.
Eric:Where have all the cowboys gone? John dear gave him a dear john oh eric.
Matt:I was gonna, I was gonna try to say they all went to like montana or some bullshit. That eric. Poetry in motion yeah, does that?
Eric:I cannot, because that is, that is a simpsons quote it's.
Matt:Of course it is it's brilliant.
Eric:I know you didn't come up with it. No, come on, matt. What's your cowboy look?
Matt:oh my, I haven't even given it.
Eric:Thought um my cowboy, while you're thinking about it, I'll just start rattling a mine. Oh yeah, I know you got yours locked and loaded. I'm. I'm channeling all of the Lee Van Cleef from the dollars trilogy Like fucking the the, the man in black, wide brimmed hat.
Matt:I was going to say I do think I'm all black. I don't think I, or most, are like dark colors. I don't think I'm like, you know, like denim shirt, red vest, kind of cowboy.
Eric:Singing cowboy?
Matt:Yeah no, I think I'm cowboy in the corner. Who's uh? When there's trouble outside, I wordlessly stand up with a all right, oh, you'd be such a stoic cowboy. It's going to be that kind of day, huh? Check the, check the chambers of my revolvers and go out real confident, get shot immediately.
Eric:I feel like you'd be the blondie to my angel eyes. Oh, yeah, yeah, I was going to go into ABBA there for a minute Siri, play the ecstasy of gold.
Matt:I thought you were going to go with angel eyes by abba. Oh no, uh the uh. That's what I was going for. I think that'll about do that question. I think we did it, evan.
Eric:It was worth the wait, thank you may the root and toot always be with you may your root and always be tooting. And now, eric, it's time for google baby, strap me the fuck in.
Matt:Now this, ladies and gentlemen, is the fifth season of Google Gripes. It began with one-star Google reviews of well-known places, that's it. That's as vague and specific as we tend to get. And then, in season four, we decided to make it movies. But these are all real one-star Google reviews that you can find about these well-known movies. I am going to list them off. Eric is going to go and then do his in the next episode We'll take a little break. Do round two. I hope that helps. It does. Now, eric, you won season four of movies that I did technically, you did. I technically believe you're I did, I believe you're missing something there by my grace.
Matt:By my grace.
Eric:By, oh, by your grace, because I allowed you basically a mulligan. Matt. Matt had me dead to rights, but you won.
Matt:You won fair and square. But I won asterisk I gave it to you with an asterisk, so and you came in and and you will never ever, let me let that down.
Matt:No, no, no, no, barry, not you, barry Bonds, I can ever let that asterisk. No, no, no, no, barry, not you, barry bonds. I can't allow it. So the because, and I'll tell you why because you came into that season so like, oh, but you know more movies than you're gonna be. It's not there. And then you ended up winning. I won't tolerate it this time around, my friend. Okay, I won't tolerate it this time around. So here we go. Are you? You ready, eric? I've got your first film here.
Eric:Three reviews each. Are you ready? I may not know who my daddy was, but I came out his dick ready. Very good, Eric. Thank you Very graphic.
Matt:Thank you. This movie is basically just propaganda against capitalist white males. It also highly supports cultist beliefs and basically is reenacting when Caucasians capitalized first, came to North America and as if the First Nations won. It also says that basically anyone who cuts down any plants or does anything even slightly industrial is evil. It's also highly unrealistic or even tangible. Okay, got it, got it. Wonder who they voted for?
Matt:Review number two Extremely overrated. Notice how nobody can remember a single character or plot point, despite it being number one box office since its release. This film is unbearable to watch. Weak plot, weak characters. The only reason this film could have possibly done well is because of the fact that it was one of the first ever 3D movies and it used that novelty feature to get a high rating. Waste of three hours, okay. Review number two or review number three. Excuse me, this movie is bad. It make my kids ear me. Ah, god is dead. God remains dead and we have killed him. How shall we comfort ourselves? The murderers of all murderers, what was holiest and mightiest of all that the world has yet owed has bled to death under our knives. Who will wipe this blood off us? What water is there for us to clean ourselves. What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we have to invent? Is not the greatness of this deed too great for us? Must we ourselves not become gods, simply to appear worthy of it?
Eric:I'm pretty sure I've heard this band. Is that Beelzefuz? That just sounds like peak stoner metal lyrics. So there are your three incredibly helpful reviews. Those were good. Thank you, I do. I think I have a guess.
Matt:I did go from easiest to hardest, so I and this being the first, the first exchange, let's see. Let's see what you come out of the gate with. Do you need any again, or anything like that?
Eric:I think I'm good. I think I'm good all right, eric.
Matt:What is your guess if you're ready to lock it in?
Eric:my guess is cameron's avatar abadah as uh as uh.
Matt:Schwarzenegger said at the oscars that year abadah, yes, it is avatar. Yeah, james cameron's avatar.
Eric:Yes, I had to dodge when you said anti, anti-white, white man capitalists, like all right. Avatar fernully Pocahontas.
Matt:I figured that would have done if that didn't do it. The first 3D movie, of course, of which it is obviously not. No, it was the first of the big, like late 2000s craze.
Eric:Which led to 3D television sets. Yeah, I just remember coming out of Avatar, having seen it, and been like, oh, that was fun, which led to 3d television sets.
Matt:Yeah, I, I just remember coming out of avatar, having seen it, and been like, oh, that was fun, and people were talking about it Like it was the greatest thing ever and I went, oh, I have to hate this now. And um, and I was correct, I still haven't seen a way of water.
Eric:We started watching it Couldn't make it 30.
Matt:watching it couldn't make it 30, like we by 30 minutes in. We were bored out of our fucking minds. It was that terrible and I I and I think you are of a similar brain, because I very rarely abandon a film yeah, if I've started it I recently we, alissa and I, were watching it wasn't that one, but in a similar vein.
Eric:We were watching, we paid us dollars to rent a movie, uh, digitally, and we were paid like four dollars. Yeah, and we're watching this movie and we're like an hour and 15 minutes into it I can't even remember the movie and and, and I was like I just turned to listen. I'm like, look, baby doll, we, we don't have to keep watching this. She was like but you paid $4 so we could watch it. I was like Alyssa. What I'm asking myself right now is would I pay $4 to stop watching this movie? And that answer is yes, so the money's spent.
Matt:The money is spent, it's gone. Yeah. Movie number two. Movie number two Review number one. Movie number two Movie number two Review number one. After watching this, I understand why these directors are so insecure of CBMS. Good direction and cinematography isn't enough if your plot is nonsensical. It's like saying a video game is good just because it has good graphics. Make good films instead of complaining, old man.
Eric:Damn Coming out the gate. Okay, what was that acronym? Again, cbms. Am I allowed to know what that stands for?
Matt:I don't know what it stands for. So no, cool boys must stay A disgust to watch. Seems like a tutorial on how to take drugs in a right manner. Violence and killing is just a child's game. These movies showcases clearly what's in the western mind the, the psychology, the perversion, greed for power, need for gun, no respect for human life and, above all, making it so day-to-day affair, killing people for no reason. These movies shape the society. Rather than banning them, people exclaim them to be a timeless classic and masterpiece. I strongly oppose this type of cinema. Need gun Need gun.
Eric:That's what it says, and you know. You said you, I noticed you said several times movies. Now is that alluding to the fact that this is a series of movies or that, or are they talking about these kinds of movies?
Matt:Who can say who can say who can say of course, fuck off man. I know this film is a classic and etc. But if I'm honest, it was the most boring dragging on movie I've ever had the displeasure of viewing and blanks, weird fetishes shown through, far too much for me to feel anything but deeply uncomfortable while watching it okay that that act, that honed it in so hard.
Matt:I thought it possibly could, and I went with a blank rather than you know the role they had in the movie yeah, I'm gonna say it's a tarantino film.
Eric:Okay, it's either pulp fiction or reservoir dogs. I'm gonna say it's pulp fiction, pulp fiction.
Matt:That is my answer and you are correct, eric, it is pulp fiction. This was a, I'll say, eric, some of these with the because of course, we don't agree basically with anything we've ever done in the movie Google Gripes. This one was a hard one to go through.
Eric:Yeah, I fucking love. I'm a 34-year-old man. I fucking love Tarantino.
Matt:Flicks. Pulp Fiction is one of the fucking greatest movies ever made. Yeah, Kill Bill is one of my favorite movies just ever all I could do through these one star google reviews and just be like look at all these fucking idiots who do not understand storytelling the beauty of our country.
Matt:For the moment, you're free to be as wrong as you want about something damn they are and speaking of which, we got some more wrong people coming up. Yep, all right, are you ready for the third movie, eric? You could get a perfect opening round. Oh, give me that fucking turkey. All the scenes in this movie lasted far longer than the amount of time necessary to convey the needed information. The main character has a delusional and unhealthy relationship with women. I do not understand why people relate to him. Okay, okay, number one, number two, overrated.
Matt:Posting this honest review to save your time, energy and headache which you get after watching this movie. It is rated so good that one wants to watch. But don't let rating fool you here. I don't know why people like this kind of movie in 21st century. Music is pathetic. You play pianos from start to end, key one by one. That's the music of this movie. Please don't watch. Okay, I'm lost. For some reason I'd never seen this movie, so I was really looking forward to it, especially being a big director fan. But wow, what a huge disappointment. Very slow, aimless plot that centers around one character whose character was not developed at all. How people are calling this a masterpiece is beyond me, so disappointing. And for this one, eric, I do have a bonus review and I know the bonus reviews have gotten me in trouble in the past.
Eric:Yes, they have.
Matt:So I am tempted to save it, to be safe. But I really don't think there's anything helpful for you here. Okay, the bonus review. I'm giving it to you now. Okay, I hated this movie. It dragged on slower than the illegitimate love child of an illegitimate love child between a turtle and a snail, who then went and had another lesser legitimate love child with a sloth that happened to somehow hold a job in the dmv. By the end of it I was dying from blood loss, hoping the police would just hurry up and shoot me.
Eric:Okay, could you give me review number one again? This one's?
Matt:toughy, all right. Review number one again. All the scenes in this movie lasted far longer than the amount of time necessary to convey the needed information. The main character has a delusional and unhealthy relationship with women. I do not understand why people relate to him and I just want to immediately come in with. All the scenes in this movie lasted far longer than the amount of time necessary to convey the needed information. You, sir, do not understand anything about art no.
Eric:Oh God, it sounds like they're describing like a, like a score. That is just very simple piano, very simple piano.
Matt:Perhaps it gets annoying after a while.
Eric:Yeah. Almost grating like it was perhaps intentionally made that way Long shots. It sounds like a slow burn of a movie, oh man.
Matt:It does sound that way. I don't know that I'd agree, but they are making it sound like it's a slow burn of a movie with no payoff, which is, of course, I feel, false.
Eric:For some reason, my brain wants to say, like my brain keeps going to like is this a Nolan film? Mm. Interesting, unhealthy relationships with women. Mm. That's what's that's throwing me. Oh man, I'm not going to get that turkey.
Matt:It might not happen, eric, it might not happen, and I hate that.
Eric:Unhealthy relationships to women, though. Yes indeed, Perhaps he feels perhaps he feels unworthy of their love I'm gonna, I'm gonna take a stab in the dark.
Matt:This is going to be my fucking stab in the dark let's hear it because, to the discerning listener, I've been dropping you some additional hints. I know.
Eric:I'm going to say man, this is going to be wrong.
Matt:I can't tell if you're talking to me or if you're just talking aloud. Are you locking something in here or what?
Eric:I'm going to lock something in.
Matt:Lock it in okay. It doesn't seem like you're locking it in. I'm going to say Nosferatu, nosferatu. Yeah, like the, are you saying the original?
Eric:you say, I'll say the, I'll say the I'll say the original.
Matt:Okay, the original osferatu. That's the, and are you locking it in? Are you talking to me now? Are you just saying this, hello? Well, here's the thing, jeff, yeah we're we're at tribal council now.
Eric:I I'm out here, right, and you know, matt, I I'm out here trying to guess these gripes. So are other people.
Matt:Yeah, and you're taking fucking forever my.
Eric:God they're griping. I'm trying to listen, thinking like what hints is he dropping in the low down? And I don't know, what's going to come out of it At the end of the day. You know, I just got to like, cast my vote, cast your vote, and what are you? When are you going to get to it? I'm going to say Uh-huh. My guess, yeah, which is I can't wait to hear it Coming now. Oh Christ, I'm going to say Halloween.
Matt:Halloween. Yeah, okay, and you're talking to me now. You're saying this yeah.
Eric:I'm going to say Halloween. Are you talking to me? I'm talking to you?
Matt:Are you talking to me?
Eric:Oh, is it taxi? Is it talking to me? It's taxi driver, baby.
Matt:Which I have never seen.
Eric:You've never seen Taxi.
Matt:Driver. I know dog, I know you went to school for acting and you've never seen Taxi Driver. No, I know oh no wonder you didn't get my unworthy of your love drop. Granted, you have to have a little working knowledge of what comes after and the cultural impact of Taxi Driver. To get that.
Eric:Not having seen Taxi Driver is the movie that I have received the most shit for not seeing.
Matt:Eric, you who I can't even tell you how many episodes you mentioned the phrase punk vest and you're telling me you haven't seen Taxi Driver. I know Dom Dude, it's good. Fuck these fucking reviews, they're dumb.
Eric:They're bad, they're dumb and they're wrong. It's a great movie.
Matt:It's an absolute great movie. Teenage Jodie Foster, of course, later used as the inspiration for Hinkley to shoot Ronald Reagan. So he could win the approval of teenage teenage Jodie Foster, who has already grown up more by that point. Of course it's from assassins, the musical plus Steven Sondheim. Anyway, that's it, eric.
Eric:So two out of three ain't bad. Two out of three, two out of three Ain't bad, my meatloaf friend.
Matt:So you up my friend for round two. Good, good openers, thank you, very good openers, thank you. I felt pretty good about it. I felt pretty good about my choices, because I do struggle with these a little bit, because it's like, well, it's gotta be, it's gotta be like a universally well-known film.
Eric:Yeah, you've gotta enter your mind palace and filter through the Rolodexes of your encyclopedic film knowledge and pluck something that I, a mere mortal, might be able to grasp.
Matt:Yeah, okay, but I think this fits the bill in many ways. You know various genres, but Taxi Driver, I think, is a great example. You said you haven't seen Taxi Driver, but as soon as I started getting into the, you talking to me a little bit more. You were like is this fucking Taxi?
Eric:Driver. Yes, you nailed it.
Matt:So it transcends. It transcends. I definitely know of the movie. Yes, yeah, it's, oh, it's so good. Harvey kytel in a role where he doesn't really look like himself at all. He plays a pimp. It's, it's an incredible, incredible movie. Um, yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely check it out. Okay, also, it's Mohawk and not real. Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah, fun fact, he was filming another movie at the time. He had to fake it, and now Robert De Niro's Mohawk cap is in the new Oscars museum they opened in LA. Oh, that's cool. Yeah, yeah, nice. Anyway, I think that'll about do it for this episode of you. Didn't ask for this. As always, I'm going to hit you with some business. Ooh, give them the business. Listen, if you haven't heard, we do have a Patreon and we'd love you to join, eric. You've been pretty good at this business, eric, give them the Patreon business. I'll get in there like a good toady.
Eric:Get in there, get your toes wet, listen here, youse guys. For $1 a month you get access to our Discord, which is cannot stress this enough fucking popping. It really is the vibes are so immaculate.
Matt:I am very pleased with the overall vibe of the Discord and how people are just sort of chatting. Now it's great, it's really cool.
Eric:I love the Discord vibe Getting a lot of cool people I know and love joining the Discord. It's awesome For $4 a month. Four For the cost of half a gallon of gas six months from now. Hey, keep it evergreen, oh yeah. For $4 a month you get access to the Discord. Oh yeah, you get monthly bonus content. Oops.
Matt:All tangents, bonus content, oops, all tangents, uh, and you get 20 off of all you daft merch, um which?
Eric:someone bought some today. You know who you are.
Matt:I didn't know that. What did they buy?
Eric:uh, they bought a mug.
Matt:It's a good mug I was drinking out of mine this morning there you go. I've got my hoodie right here on the on the floor a quick circle back follow-up.
Eric:Speaking of merch, uh, uh, happy to report uh in the discord. Sir juniper, first night of you. Daft posted the bitch in harmonica.
Matt:Yes, uh, the, you didn't ask for this harmonic you may recall that we once upon a time promised anyone who solved Mike from the Neatcast what promos Mike from the Neatcast is getting in this episode today, when he was on the show, his little riddle he brought in. If anybody actually solved it, we'd send them a harmonica. And then Sir Juniper did do it, so we did eventually get our shit together and send.
Eric:Juniper did do it, so we did eventually get our shit together and send Juniper an engraved harmonica.
Matt:Yes, that says, sir Juniper, first night of your daft Juniper, we love you. We love you, sir Juniper, we love you. Sir Juniper, you honor us and we finally got you what you deserve, which is a personalized harmonica.
Eric:Yes, Now go learn all of the music from Cowboy Bebop Absolutely.
Matt:So join the Patreon and, by all means, submit questions at youdontaskforthis at gmailcom. That's all spelled out. Or you didn't ask pod. That's the letter. You didn't ask pod. On Instagram, Facebook, kind of blue sky, TikTok, et cetera, et cetera. We're all over the place. Do it there or join the Discord, join the conversation and drop it in our questions collection channel. We got there Because we just got one of Aaron's who loves to put those epic emails to us. He just made an epic question drop.
Eric:Oh my God, Just shotgunned us pure gold like of like 12 it was. It was beautiful, aaron we're getting to him real soon.
Matt:Oh yeah, uh, so that'll about do it from all of us here. You didn't ask for this until next time. My name is matthew shea, my name's eric poach, and listen, you didn't ask unobtainium didn't ask. Unobtainium, unobtainium, unobtainium. They could have come up with something better than unobtainium.
Eric:They could have called it any fucking thing on earth, and they went with unobtainium. It's not a well-written film. No, it's the plot of Pocahontas in space.
Matt:Really More I would say more ferngully. And when I was doing these reviews, yeah, it was so hard to find something that didn't reference either of the two films.
Eric:We just yeah and ferngully, both pocahontas and ferngully. Fucking rule. Um yeah, ferngully, in particular. If you, if you, if, if tim curry as a giant smog monster singing like this fucking jazz bop, didn't give you tingles, didn't send chills up your spine as a child, what are we even doing here? What are we even doing here? Bye.