You Didn't Ask For This
You Didn't Ask For This
113 | Cracking Into Cold Ones
For this episode, we're joined by the lead singer of Infinite Pizza, local witch, and licensed mortician Becky Hackerman! Becky brought along a plethora of questions for the boys to go through, ranging from "Is blood soup?" to "What is your Fursona?" Then, Becky gives Matt a tarot reading.
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Eric, have I ever told you about the time I accidentally drove directly into the NSA?
Eric:No, but you should tell me more immediately, okay, okay.
Matt:So now Eric the NSA. For those who might not be aware. For those who might not be aware.
Eric:Because, trust me, they're aware of you.
Matt:For those who might not be aware, the NSA is located in Fort Meade, Maryland.
Eric:Oh, I thought you were about to explain the NSA to people, the National Security Association.
Matt:Yes, is located in Fort Meade, maryland, and there are a number of exits off of the highways nearby that are for NSA access exclusively. Okay, they're very well labeled. Yes, they are exceptionally you know if you're driving, you know if you're driving on them. So I don't want anyone to mistakenly believe that I went down one of these NSA exits. Okay, I'm, I'm, I'm not that stupid.
Eric:They're so well maintained that, as you're driving down them, your Facebook starts pinging you with targeted ads saying, hey, maybe you should turn the fuck around, yeah, and they're also typically a cut.
Matt:There's like a static squad car parked nearby. It's just like, hey, don't come here, don't do it. But there are other, more direct routes, don't do it. But there are other more direct routes. And at one point I'm following my GPS and I'm driving in the Fort Meade area and it has me take this right and I was on my way to an audition, or I was coming back from an audition actually, and this was while I was working in in baltimore. So I was on my way to baltimore. I ended up side getting off for some reason. There was construction or something. I was in the fort meade area and ways who I do swear by and as far as gps many times on this show if I do yes goes.
Matt:Uh, yes, I I'm a waz, so I I followed Waze's instructions and it had me go down this little side path, or this little side street. And this little side street, eric, I could see, as I began driving down it, with room to turn around, a bunch of gates, like interlocking little gates where, like you drive, you got to swerve left to get around, then right, swerve, right you're. So you're like snaking through these security gates, slaloms. Yes, exactly, almost. As if there couldn't be a clearer indication that this was a special street.
Matt:Yeah, so I drive through, I'm weaving, I'm bobbing and weaving these security things, and I see, to my horror and confusion, that the only thing in front of me at this point is a guard station, you know, like a little gate. Yeah, so I drive up to the gate and this officer leans out of the gate and says what can we do for you, sir? And says yes, do you have an appointment or something? And I said no, I don't think I'm supposed to be here. And I said that. And the guy said I don't think I'm supposed to be here. And I said that.
Matt:And the guy said I don't think you're supposed to be here either. And I said I have a feeling that this is the NSA. And he said, sure is, you got it in one. You see the gates, and I was like I saw them as I was going through there. But you can see, and I like show him my phone, I'm like you can see that ways told me to go this way and he goes yeah, that's been happening to a few people recently. And I was like, yeah, so weird. Anyway, I'll just be on my way then. And and he was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. So no, if you could just pull over to the right here, that'd be great.
Eric:Never a good sign, never a good sign.
Matt:So I was like sure. So I pull over to the right and as I'm doing that, I do eric. I do not know where they all came from, but I I pull over. There is now a a a car behind me. Two black suvs pull up alongside me. I don't know where they came from. I park my car, I'm putting it in park and as I put in park, another black suv comes and parks perpendicularly in front of me, blocking the classic. You're not going anywhere. My car is completely blocked in by black tinted window vehicles.
Matt:And so, yeah, I'm sitting there for a long time, Guy comes over and is like, hey, you know license and registration. And so I was like, yeah, so here you go. And he was like, yeah, run us, run us through your day is basically like what they're asking me. You might be wondering how I got. You might be wondering how I got here. So I I'm like, listen, I, I I truly just took a wrong turn. I I'm following my gps somewhat blindly, uh, like a fucking idiot. I'm sorry. Your, your man in the in the tower there just told me that this is not an uncommon event. So, like, don't throw me in prison is basically like the vibe. And so they come back with my license and stuff, which I'm pretty sure they like photocopied and put on the walls of the gate to be like the here's our one strike, you're out people. If these guys show up again, they're definitely nefarious here's, our hapless driving is on the wall of hapless flissons.
Matt:Uh, so, after about a 10, maybe 15 minute interrogation, uh, in my car I wasn't taken anywhere, but like just a lot of questions about what I am doing, where I'm going, where I've been. Yeah, have I been out of the country in the last 30 days? You know things like that. Yeah, they, they eventually let me go, but, um, I did just drive directly and of my own volition into the nsa. Oh, my god, it's a pretty big no-no as it turned.
Eric:Yeah I had to go there once to perform to the fort mead I. I actually did have to go there to perform some children's theater, but you were meant to go there.
Matt:And also what?
Eric:yeah, uh, because we were doing it for, uh, like a fort mead. They have like a chill, they have like a school and shit there for all the little kids and I was doing some children's theater I think this was with pumpkin theater, uh, back in the day and and we were doing a show for the kids at the nsa and they, they, they accounted for everything. The people at the nsa who are like coordinating this with us accounted for everything, except the fact that it would take us like two hours, because we were scheduled to arrive at fort mead, like like during, like at the height of the line of cars and I had to sit there. They were people were like Eric, where are you? And I was like I am still at the gate. I've been here for an hour and a half. They've run mirrors under the bottom of my car. They're making sure I'm not an enemy of the state yeah, and then I can come do.
Matt:Cinderella for you yeah, good, good, good ass plug. They did also do the mirror thing to me. They did. Yeah, they thoroughly checked.
Eric:You feel kind of badass when they do it.
Matt:Yeah, badass.
Eric:And you hope no one and there's a. There's a part of you that thinks for a second, where you're like God. I hope none of my dumb ass friends stuck in sort of joke, fucking thing. Sort of joke, fucking thing under my car.
Matt:Basically, I guess the moral of the story is you know, also use your eyes, not just ways, maybe, Because maybe it's incorrectly mapped in a very bad way.
Eric:Think with your eyes, not your ways, Eric a philosopher king.
Matt:A philosopher king, is he not? Yeah Well, hello everybody and welcome to you. Didn't Ask For this. It's the podcast answering life's least pressing questions.
Eric:My name is Matthew Shea my name is Eric Poach and joining us today oh yes Is a friend to all humanity, licensed mortician, lead singer of Infinite Pizza, local witch, alyssa's best friend and canoe partner and my stepmom, becky Hackerman, aka Auntie Knives. Hello, that is my stepson. Hello, that is my stepmom, becky Hackerman aka Auntie Knives.
Becky:Hello, that is my stepson.
Matt:Hello, that is my stepmom Truly an honor, and this is of course the first time we are meeting, so very nice to meet you, Becky.
Becky:Very nice to meet you too.
Matt:Thanks for joining us here on the show. I understand that Eric gave you some prep questions. You have questions. Prepped is what I'm trying to say.
Becky:I do, I do. I made a weird list this morning of just some random questions.
Matt:I love a weird list. We excel with weird lists, so we'll get to those in a second. So licensed mortician.
Matt:Yeah.
Eric:That's exciting. How long were you a mortician for?
Becky:So I worked.
Eric:Oh you are no longer.
Becky:No, I'm still technically licensed mortician. My license is in an inactive state right now, which just means that I don't have to pay a lot of money every two years to renew it. But once I do like, if I ever decide to make it active again, I'll have to pay a bunch of money about it.
Eric:Yeah, so sorry. To rephrase my question, how?
Becky:long were you cracking in the cold ones? I worked in funeral service for just about 10 years, a little under that is so fucking cool. Yeah, I've got a lot of really interesting stories.
Matt:I bet.
Becky:Stories gross stories very sad stories also too. Stories funny stories, gross stories very sad stories also too. But it was like such a you know, such a unique kind of job to have, of like all of these different intersections, of like you have to be really, really good at problem solving. You have to be so good at customer service. You have to, like, you have to know math, and then there's also, like this, this whole other end of it. That's all like science and chemistry and, um, like care for the dead, and like there's a lot of artistry that goes into it too, of like makeup and the chemicals that you're using to have the effect that you want. So it's pretty cool.
Eric:I like it yeah, because you're you are so good at so very many things, so I feel like that that career was like like ideal for you, like I have so many ways to express how fucking competent I am.
Becky:I'm just too powerful so. I had to have a job that was like very challenging yeah.
Eric:It certainly sounds like it would be that For our, for our listeners who might not know, tell us about Infinite Pizza For our listeners who might not know, tell us about Infinite Pizza.
Becky:Infinite Pizza is my the way we kind of describe ourselves is a pizza-fueled power violence band. We're basically a punk band. We have some songs that are about pizza. A lot of our more recent songs have been about like fighting and having knives and stuff like that, because I've been real angry.
Matt:Sure who hasn't?
Becky:and having knives and stuff like that, because I've been real angry, um sure, but like, but it is, yeah, I mean in this economy, um uh, but yeah, like it's a lot of um, it's a lot of like silly fun, like punk. We do some pop punk stuff.
Eric:We like to do a lot of weird genre things yeah, if you're, if you're, if you can hear my voice right now, please look up Infinite Pizza. Their music fucking rules. It will get you so goddamn hype to face whatever nightmare your day has become. Yeah, absolutely.
Matt:Well, hell yeah, hell yeah.
Eric:And I do have questions for Becky.
Matt:Of course, of course. But why don't we? And we dabbled a little bit, got to know you a little bit, but let's get to know these odd list of questions that you've prepped.
Eric:Yeah, do we want to do it the normal way? Do we just have Becky read off the questions and then we'll dive in from there?
Matt:Yeah, let's do it the normal way.
Becky:So do you want me to read all of them, or like go one at a time?
Matt:Well, how many you got? Do you have like 25? Because then let's call it a bit, I've got like nine. Yeah, we'll still call that a bit, but you read the list and we'll pick out the gems.
Eric:Like dogs chasing cars Huh.
Becky:All right, so is blood soup.
Matt:Okay.
Becky:You wake up as a horse. What's your first move? Okay, aliens, smash your pass.
Eric:God. I'm so glad I brought you on this show, becky.
Becky:If you could have a tail, what kind would it be? And why? Is arm wrestling just a cover for dudes wanting to hold hands and look deeply into each other's eyes? What's your fursona, yep? What do you collect?
Matt:Talent.
Becky:How are you making space for childlike wonder in your life? And finally, cave exploration bad idea or the worst idea.
Matt:Okay, I hope that this is. I hope these are good options all bangers, yeah, all bangers, yet again some of these I feel like will be pretty short, like yeah, but yeah, I mean actually I said we we could pick out the gems, but they might all be they're all gems.
Eric:So I'd say like, just start rocketing down the list all right, blood soup eric your, take out the gate if my body is a bowl which and this is I feel notable it's not continue if my body is a bowl and my and I, and, and by putting a spoon in my mouth, I'm putting a spoon into a bowl. I could see my blood being soup. I could see blood being soup. It is hot oh yeah, liquid so it is made of ingredients. So, okay, just it was cooked, cooked in the furnace of my belly.
Matt:Okay, so just to clarify, in your hypothetical situation here, to prove that your blood is soup, I am putting a spoon into your mouth which I'm going to assume is not just full of blood.
Eric:Could be. Could be at any moment.
Matt:Why wouldn't I open your chest cavity and get blood that way? Let's ask the mortician what would be the best way to drink a body of soup.
Becky:Okay. So, first and foremost, you want to go from the arterial system. The closer to the heart the better, because that's where you're going to get the best pumping action to get the most blood out of your body as possible oh, pumping action.
Eric:We're assuming the person's alive still I mean oh yeah, I mean, you want it, you want fresh you want it hot, you don't want like day old yeah, you want that, chef Boyardee blood
Becky:soup, yeah no.
Eric:It's not delivery, it's my arteries.
Becky:Homemade is acceptable, but store-bought is also fine, but what makes it soup?
Eric:Eric, I think it's salty, it's warm, that's shit.
Matt:I don't know that it should be salty to taste.
Eric:I'll tell you this. If I could say one thing about blood, it's hearty.
Matt:Yeah, eric, we got it. We all heard it Very good.
Eric:Eric Very good.
Matt:Very good, that's going to get us a Webby for sure.
Eric:Yeah, Becky. What are your firmly held beliefs vis-a-vis? Blood is soup?
Becky:I'm strongly in the blood is soup category, strictly because it is. It is a liquid. There are salts and proteins in it that's true, so you've got multiple things. Um, it is often hot. It's at at least like 98, you know like for most folks should be while they're living. Um, and it like it, it. I feel like it would drink very rich. I don't know, it'd be like a bisque, yes, okay, but it like it, it, it, I feel like it would drink very rich, I don't know.
Eric:It'd be like a bisque. Yes, okay, it is. It is by definition. Blood is, by definition, the most nutritional thing in your body.
Matt:If you were going to to go ahead and slice open an artery and are you drinking straight from the tap or are you filling a bowl? And, and if so, are you putting pepper in there, like, how are you seasoning it? Croutons, is that?
Becky:You know, I think that it's fine to season, to taste, whether you're going fresh from the tap or you're transport, you know, like you're catching it in some kind of a bowl or bucket or something and then consuming later. I think both are totally reasonable, like they're both acceptable approaches for eating blood soup. Sure, it's also it's just again in the like argument for it being. You are constantly making it. It is slow cooking within your body for the entire duration of your life.
Eric:It's a perpetual stew.
Becky:Yeah, your whole body. This is all stew.
Matt:And is that not why we say we are stewing in our own juices, or whatever you might say, uh-huh yeah.
Matt:Uh, uh yeah.
Matt:See how effective it is when somebody else does it, Eric.
Eric:Uh yeah, validate me. Yeah Right, I think we've See how effective it is when somebody else does it. Eric, validate me yeah, right, I think we've answered the question. Now dig in.
Matt:You've convinced me. I say it's soup and I say dig in Next question. Eric, your horse. Your first move is.
Eric:Oh, bro, kick, I am kicking. I will come into this world as a horse, the way I came in as a human, kicking and screaming jesus, I will kick until I am in field and then I will run your poor mother um, yeah, I, I don't um discount that you would do that.
Matt:In this hypothetical are we like bam. We are now a horse and it's my brain you're in your bed in your house. Oh, I woke up as a wake you woke up yep, it's like your alarm went off.
Becky:You thought you have to go to work uh-oh, you smash the alarm with your hooves smash the alarm hooves uh yeah, I mean.
Matt:Well, first all, if I'm waking up on my back as a horse, I'm pretty sure I'm about to die. I don't think they can do that.
Eric:Oh, they can do that just fine, stunt horses.
Matt:I don't think that's. I think that's actually.
Becky:Well, I'm not necessarily saying you're waking up on your back. You just you are in your bed.
Matt:We wake up in a way that a horse would wake up.
Becky:Yeah, you wake up functionally as a horse. You wake up a sound horse.
Eric:You know, what.
Matt:I mean A sound horse.
Becky:There's nothing wrong, you're completely fit.
Matt:I would I think Healthy as I would probably scream, which is to say nay, and then be like, okay, it is confirmed, I am a horse. And then how am I going to get out of this tiny room with this now gigantic body?
Becky:To go back to what Eric suggested.
Matt:I mean kicking, feels like the right way to get out of all of this Just bash through walls until you're free.
Eric:And Matt, I will say this I think, and I mean this as a compliment, you are very horse um, you're gonna have to go ahead and dig into that. Yeah, you are majestic, you are beautiful. Okay, um, I feel like you'd be a very like a rich chestnut horse. Thank you but, you are also at all times keeping your head on a swivel like a prey animal. Like you're, you're in any situation you're like okay, what are you trying to kill me, are you?
Matt:I will, I will, okay, I will, I will fucking elbow drop you, but now you can kick them to death with your hooves I see what you're saying and I appreciate that I do take as a compliment, and I I would not necessarily say if I were to think of, like, oh, what animal represents me? I don't know that, I'd say a horse. But now being having forced to be woken up as a horse, realizing that I have an acceptable reason to just fucking kick somebody if they're too close to me or they've snuck up on me, that is an ability I would enjoy and utilize.
Eric:Bro absolutely, because think of every time anyone's ever been kicked by a horse. They never blame the horse, no, they blame the motherfucker who's stupid enough to get close to the horse's legs.
Matt:To sneak up behind the horse. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and would we be together as horses?
Eric:Oh, dude, 100% I would run with you.
Matt:Oh, are we free running the horses?
Eric:oh my god, yes we can't be captured, would you be?
Becky:um, okay, so fun fact, I took many years of equestrian training, so like I, I can do dressage jumping.
Eric:Uh, you know I've done.
Becky:He is the coolest person I know I'm a strong believer in what I refer to as skill acquisition, where, if there's an opportunity for me to learn how to do something, I'm going to learn how to do it. Just in case, what if I need it? What if I'm in a protest situation and I need to steal a police horse? I need to know how to ride that horse.
Matt:Yeah, because once you pull that trigger, you got to go.
Becky:Yeah, you need to go.
Matt:You're all in.
Becky:But you gotta go, yeah, you need to, yeah, you need to go, you're all in. Um, but my favorite kinds of horses when I was riding were like draft horses. So think of like belgians, clydes clydesdales are like the most like, I think, the one that people usually picture that have like the feathering on the, like the hooves and like the big, long, flowy manes. Those things are like alcoholic son of the bitches tanks. Those are tanks of horses. So like a lot of like thoroughbreds and arabians are like really beautiful and they're more built for like speed, but they they're just the spindly little legs. Yeah, so I I feel like I would be like a tough, like thick horse.
Eric:Fuck, yes nice, I think I'd be a Shetland pony. I think I would live my best life as a Shetland pony. So that's mine.
Eric:That actually tracks, given that, like you, you know you're only 5'8" oh yeah, for those of you not tuning in, just to get in on the bit, becky has been spreading the rumor around Baltimore, to everyone that'll listen, that I'm not actually six and a half feet tall, that I'm truly five foot eight, and I use a lot of forced perspective and small objects to convince people that I am six and a half feet tall.
Becky:He just stands next to really short people and tries to trick you into thinking he's tall. He tries to act really tall.
Eric:I, peter Jackson, the shit out of everyone in my life. Please spread this rumor as much as possible, yeah.
Matt:I mean, I should play along, but and I will, good man and I will the bit you know what I was gonna. I was gonna be a bad scene partner and I have decided, as all great scene partners do, to state that I won't. State that I won't Before we move on. This puts me in mind of a quick horse tale.
Eric:Oh wait, I never said you know that classic horse tale that puts you in a mind of.
Matt:I never said what kind of horse I would be. I don't know enough about different horses, so I'll tell you what type of horse I would be. I don't know enough about different horses, but I'll tell you. So I'll tell you what type of horse I would be. If I'm at the paddock or whatever, and some nice girl comes for her first lesson of riding a horse and she's like, ooh, I want that one. And she points to me standing over in the corner, I am the horse that somebody has to go. Oh yeah, he doesn't let a lot of people ride him, he's kind of a very special type. And so then this tiny girl, I'll walk up to her and be like, and then just turn around and be like saddle me She'll be fine, yeah, they've got to earn you, not you.
Matt:Chris, get the fuck out of here, kick.
Becky:That's a real horse chooses the rider kind of thing. Horse chooses the rider.
Matt:Yeah, but I want to be the temperamental horse that only chooses certain people, and then those people feel very special.
Eric:Oh, my God, yes.
Becky:It's like they kind of paint you as kind of a dangerous horse, but really you're a horse with a heart of gold I'm just a horse that hates certain people specifically chris, yeah, specifically chris, fucking chris, I don't even know, chris, I hate chris you
Matt:don't horse.
Becky:You doesn't doesn't trust chris.
Eric:I don't trust chris that's my new barometer for meeting new people. Does horse matt like this person?
Matt:Okay. So in Virginia, I believe, there's this place called the Sassy Ass and it's this farm that we went to when my parents and Lindsay and I were doing our little Virginia wine weekend that we do somewhat frequently. We were like, oh, let's pull in here, because I think they had some fall event at the time. So we were like, oh, let's pull in here, because I think they had some fall event at the time. So we were like, oh, this could be fun. So we go in and there is indeed a sign that greets you that says I forget the sassy ass's name, but there is a sassy ass who's just free roaming the property and it's basically like, if you run into the sassy ass, she's very friendly. Do not attempt to take the sassy ass home, or, you know, like, just leave it alone. So we meet this donkey, we're having all this fun, but there are these two horses in their own little you know area enclosure.
Matt:Yeah, Enclosure. But there's a sign that says like here are these two horses wonder and magic. Wonder has no eyes. Magic is wonders, quote-unquote seeing eye horse horses are so good end of end of sentence next horses are so good. Next sentence magic does not particularly care for wonder. And I became I became obsessed with their relationship, of this one horse begrudgingly taking care of another horse who has no eyes is this a metaphor for you and me? Well, it is now.
Eric:I wasn't trying to make that point, but hey, but God, now I want to see my horse, so anyway go see Wonder and Magic at the Sassy Ass.
Matt:Anyway, that's my little horse tale. Shall we move on to the next question?
Eric:Yes, man, we're cooking.
Becky:The next question is aliens smash or pass?
Matt:Depends on the alien.
Eric:I know, I know, so we can go through a couple different alien types, I think yeah, yeah, my, my main, my main barometers, if I have the chance to, to, to, to make it with an alien, uh, really, it's just. Is everyone consenting and is everyone being safe on that smash, smash, smash, got to, got to a real, real.
Becky:Captain Kirk vibe. Yes, you're like. We have to boldly go.
Eric:We have to boldly go, but we want to kind of visit the types.
Becky:Yeah, and starting from classic Star Trek of very humanoid sexy lady in a loincloth situation. Yes, those all feel like smashes.
Eric:Yeah, twi'leks from Star Wars the classic blue-skinned Betty yeah.
Matt:I was just looking up the Star Wars species of alien that I want to reference, and I believe it is a Togruta alien that I want to reference and I believe it is a Tog Ruta, which is those aliens that got those big old, swoopy, cylindrical looking like ears slash hair that's coming down the side oh yeah yeah what about the predator from the film Predator?
Eric:no pass, pass, pass, pass, pass pass pass. I don't know I'd power bottom for a predator.
Matt:I would.
Becky:Maybe I'd be, I'd be, scared of being hurt they've got lots of tools oh yeah, oh, you know, they're freaks they are determined to get the win, like they are very competitive, so like I feel like that could be a lot of fun.
Eric:What about a classic no kissing though. No, no, can't. No, no, no kissing on the mouth or proboscis what about a classic gray eric?
Matt:how do you feel about that?
Eric:I feel like of the classic grays. I feel like the classic grays are the most asexual of the aliens. I like where would you even begin? Where, where? What would I do with my hands? Where would they go? You tell me, bud here, here's what I.
Matt:I will be cuddling with a classic you take that head, you put it where you need it.
Eric:I'd say yeah, yeah, yeah, uh, I I will say I would. I would one hundo cuddle with a classic gray.
Matt:I feel they look like they need it every time you look and they look so wispy yeah, I agree with that I'm like come here, old buddy, I'm here they look cold they look cold, I'll warm them I don't mind saying it, I'm out on cone heads, I'm out I think I'm out on the cone head really, yeah, I don't know it's not doing it for me okay, that's fair no, there's no there's no shaming in this no, no, no, no, no.
Eric:At what point? Here's my sub question, and this ties to my previous requirements of consensual and everyone's being safe. Does xenomorph cross the line into bestiality? Or are they intelligent enough that you're like, okay, I could ethically have sex with you?
Matt:Eric, I think I have to say to that why don't you say what you want to say and let the audience decide?
Eric:I want to. I want to get banged by the little mouth creature inside the xenomorphs, big old head god, you're fucking god, just want a bad person, bad little child, child size alien. The condom in this situation will have to be like the rubber latex suit that I have to wear to prevent the acid blood. Oh sure, but you're going to practice safe sex?
Matt:Yeah, absolutely. Well, yeah they got acid blood. It's got acid blood yeah, oh damn.
Becky:You got to be careful.
Matt:Yeah, well, it's not fun if it's not a little dangerous, is it not? Exactly, exactly, okay, well, exactly, exactly, okay. Well, that was a truly disturbing question to answer, and imagine, uh, eric, how about your tail? Oh, my tail what was the full tail question? We have a tail, do we want if?
Becky:you could. Yeah, if you could have a tail, like of of all of the available tails in the animal kingdom, what kind of tail would you have, and why?
Matt:Ooh.
Eric:I oh God, that's such a good I it's gotta I have. I have two schools of thought for me personally. One is ideally, it's prehensile, it can move of its own accord and can support my body weight, so like in that case, like a, a lemur, yeah.
Matt:That'd be pretty dope. I was thinking the same. Like any tree-based tail that's not a bird, like a sloth, a monkey, of basically any kind of in the chimp family, anything that, as you're saying, a prehensile tail that I can use as a gripper yeah, that is proportional to my body weight and that, as I'm just walking around, it can kind of be curled around me like one of Dr, Octavia's, doc Ock's sentient arms.
Matt:That's what I want. I want it looming behind me at all times and similar to being a horse if someone's behind me and surprises me. Quack, just nailed you with my big tail. How about you, becky?
Becky:I'm, of course, prehensile tail all day. It seems like the most useful of all the tails. I hadn't even thought about the like being able to hang from stuff. I was mostly just thinking like that's an extra hand almost.
Matt:That's what I want. I can carry my bag. It's holding my joint for me and bringing it to me. Oh my God, Think how effective you'll be at, say, the ballpark when you're bringing other people's drinks back for them Now you got all this room, it can wrap around all the drinks. Oh yeah, you could wrap your never to trip in those grocery bags again. You just put the tail through the bag holes and bring them all in and you're good yep damn I wish I had a tail.
Eric:If I'm, if I'm forced to go non-prehensile, two very different directions. I'm gonna go either long-haired cat big floofy cozy I will always have like a cozy pillow wherever I go, or peacock oh stunting on them hoes. Yeah, I'm not gonna be able to move this.
Becky:I'm gonna fucking stunt on them.
Matt:Just just a fan that unfurls behind you mating dances non-stop just like shaking it I think I would just want, like a good if. If it can't be prehensile like a good Labrador tail that has some girth to it, it's a sizable tail. It's not like Jason Alexander's little stubby thing from Shallow Hal, if we all remember that.
Eric:Yes, I do.
Matt:That little classic gem of cinema. God. It aged perfectly well, no problems, no problems at all.
Becky:No problems whatsoever. Totally cool, everyone's great with it Everyone's good with that great Jack Black Gwyneth Paltrow vehicle. Holds up.
Matt:Ooh, but yeah, it's behind me and, most importantly, it gives. I can't possibly control that. It gives away my current emotional state. But everybody else gets to enjoy the wag or straight up violence of a rigid, because there's nothing more intimidating when you're sitting at home and you you got a dog there and the dog just gives, gives you that rigid tail as they're looking at something like out the window and you're just like or even more freaky at seemingly nothing and you're like what when they see ghosts? What fucking ghost is just walking through my living room?
Eric:oh dude, yeah, and, and it provides the benefit similar to like wearing a face mask in the subway in japan. It signals to everyone that like. It tells everyone who looks at you like oh, that person does not feel like talking to me. Look at that tail, it's gonna like you. No longer have to exert the effort to be like uh, please don't. I don't want small.
Matt:They can look at the tail and know yeah, and unfortunately it goes the other way too. You know, another individual that's looking pretty nice to you is walking by All of a sudden, that tail's wagging. Nothing you can do about it. Nothing you can do about it.
Eric:Nothing you can do about it. Got a mind of its own. Hey, it wags for everybody. Honorable mention spiky dinosaur tail.
Becky:Oh my God, Stegosaurus, tail Stegosaurus tail. Stegosaurus tail.
Matt:I read that they found a frozen intact dinosaur embryo.
Becky:Oh, oh it's almost Jurassic Park time.
Matt:And so I saw that from like a screenshot of a post on a website that I don't go to anymore I think you know the one post on a website that I don't go to anymore, and I think you know the one and so I saw this little bird chirp and the caption was you know what? Fuck it, let's just do jurassic park at this point yeah, you know how.
Becky:How much worse could it get? How much worse can the?
Matt:planet get. Let's at least have some fun while we go out let a raptoror eat me.
Becky:It's fine, I'm good.
Eric:If Jurassic Park is any indication of how it will go, it's really only the rich assholes full of hubris that gots to worry. Well, a bunch of us will die too, but they'll get theirs.
Matt:Jurassic Park franchise, starting with the novel, would completely crumble if you just properly paid your IT staff. Yeah, compensate the people with the real power, which is to say the singular line of code that makes all the doors work. Just make sure Newman's paid and you're good. Yeah, he won't have to resort to putting dinosaur stuff in a secret bottle of Barbasol.
Eric:No, no lawyers have to die on a toilet tonight. None, no, lawyers have to die on a toilet tonight.
Becky:I'll also posit that we should be supporting more women in STEM so that we can have more teenage girls who know a Unix system.
Eric:Who save the day Absolutely Good tales, Good tales, everyone.
Matt:What's next? Eric oh, arm wrestling as a cover for men to look deeply into one another's eyes? Is that true?
Becky:And to hold hands.
Matt:The answer is yes.
Eric:Yeah, 100%. I never thought about it that way until now, but it makes what into one another's eyes. Is that true? And to hold hands? The answer is yes, yeah, 100 I and like, I never thought about it that way until now, but it makes what dudes are so terrified of touching one another in any way. That isn't fighting, it's the. It's the closest they will ever come to holding hands and maintaining meaningful eye contact and there's still a chance.
Matt:You could like ruin a man's body by accidentally cracking their bone in half.
Eric:Yeah, so you kind of get everything out of it.
Matt:It's the best of all worlds, really. Yeah, for again the fragile man.
Eric:What we'll call the fragile man. And not only do you get to like finally hold hands with someone, finally. Finally hold hands with another dude finally, finally hold hands with another, with another dude, but everyone's cheering for you while you do it, everybody's so excited everyone's so excited that you're holding hands and looking deep, deep, deep into each other's eyes I've never.
Matt:Of course I've. I've had done my fair share of arm wrestling, but I've never done it like it. When you picture arm wrestling it, the picture that I feel like always comes to mind is two burly guys in a bar who are just wet, who are just wet on one little tiny high top and everyone is circled around. I've never been in that situation, nor have I ever witnessed it. It's always just been like a weird, like hey, you want to arm wrestle for this last little Debbie? You know, like that's always that's been the context.
Eric:This puts me in mind of a of a of an old arm wrestling story. I know, let's hear it. No, we recently watched a movie that I did not know exist. Did not know existed. Matt Becky, have you ever heard of a movie called Over the?
Matt:Top. Maybe it vaguely sounds familiar.
Eric:Who's in it? Matt watch, it's sylvester stallone is really the only name on there. You're gonna know it's about sylvester stallone, who is a trucker, who is a like an underground arm wrestler, like he's a competitive I think I have seen clips of trying to win his kid back like his kids love through arm wrestling it is.
Eric:It is one of the greatest movies I've ever seen. Everybody, please go watch over the tops for, like 1987, this movie is bat shit, insane from top to bottom. Now and we go fully and out and by like an hour and 15 minutes into the movie we have only seen one instance of arm wrestling.
Matt:Well, no, I mean, that's quite clearly a pretense of things.
Eric:I'll end this part of the question with my favorite quote from the movie I love three things Drive truck, break arms, arm wrestle.
Becky:His love for his kids is not even part of that truck, break arms, arm wrestle.
Eric:His love for his kids not part of that. So everybody, go out and uh, to all the, all the men, to all the to, to all all my boys, uh, go out and arm wrestle someone today.
Matt:You deserve it and as for the women who are who arm wrestle, be afraid of them, because they're only in it for the competition they they? Don't need the pretense of this for a man-to-man physical connection and intimacy.
Eric:Yeah, she's posting up like oh hi, I have healthy relationships with all the women in my life.
Matt:I'm going to destroy you, little boy.
Eric:I'm here to hurt you.
Matt:That was like an intimidating fact. I'm suggesting women arm wrestle children. You shouldn't do that and if you do, stop.
Eric:Someone's got to humble the children.
Matt:They are. You know what they're getting a little bit too big of heads.
Becky:They're too much these days, yeah.
Matt:All right, what's next?
Eric:So that's arm wrestling. What do we got next? I love these questions.
Becky:Thank you.
Eric:What's your fursona? Speak more about what is a fursona. Now, matt, do okay, becky would you like to.
Becky:So, um, there are. There are people that are furries, that, um make elaborate suits. Uh, the fursona is the animal that they are portraying and your fursona, uh, can often have like significant meaning to you. Like, if you are a very loyal person, perhaps your fursona can often have like significant meaning to you. Like, if you are a very loyal person, perhaps your fursona would be a dog. Perhaps you are more aloof, you would be a cat, things like that, but it can really be any kind of animal. And yeah, I just, if you were going to, if you were going to make a huge, elaborate fursuit, what would your fursona be?
Matt:My first impression is a sloth. It's my very hell yeah, tell me more immediately uh well, you know, as they say in hashtag sloth life live slow, die whenever, and that's sort of how I feel. I I go about my time and so I want to channel that energy and fursona.
Eric:So would you be? Would you be would? Would? Would your fursona a would? Would you just be matt shea, the the sloth, or would your sloth have a name? And if, and based on, depending on the answer to that, what outfits would you wear? Um, I do think my sloth might have a cardigan on cozy I'm imagining I was either imagining cardigan or cargo pants and hawaiian shirt no, no, I don't like that vibe for my sloth that can be your sloth my sloth is more cozy.
Matt:I like he's about to sit down with a book like that's. That's that's what I want to emanate from my persona. What about?
Eric:you Pudge. Oh man, I was once told by a friend because I have a couple friends who I do so much stuff in like convention circuits and stuff. I have a lot of friends Pro tip, if you're listening to this, if you want to make a fuck ton of money, if you're an artist and you want to make a fuck ton of very consistent, very good money, do furry art and sell your furry art at conventions, you will make bank. Um, but one of these friends who is one of these artists told me that my fursona would be a hyena.
Eric:Oh, it's hard to argue and they're like with the the like, with the lovable dumbness of a dog, good cackle.
Matt:You do got a good cackle.
Eric:And I have enough PSI going in my jaws that I could bite your arm clean off. Really, I eat the bones.
Matt:Yeah, you are.
Eric:I get in there. You are dangerous for sure, I think. I think I would be. Yeah, I'd be a hyena and I would wear a punk vest. No other shirts, probably some like torn up black jeans or plaid punk pants.
Matt:The more I think about it.
Eric:I have a really good time with it.
Matt:I think I'm just rocking a cardigan and nothing else. No pants.
Eric:Oh, you're Donald Ducking it with a cardigan. I think I'm Donald Ducking it with a cardigan and I think it's open too.
Matt:I want to say it's an open cardigan. That I'm just. I was going to say walking around, but you know ambling about Instead of chest hair.
Eric:you have moss in the pattern of chest hair. Yep, your chest.
Matt:I don't really have any desire to go to a convention period. But I suddenly want to go to a convention as my sloth persona and just very slowly amble about Not making a bit out of it, Not saying anything. A bit out of it, not saying anything, Just like I want to see how many TikToks are filmed of me progressing over the main hall over the course of four hours.
Becky:It's perfect. That's how this starts, by the way. So now you're a furry.
Matt:Take several sit breaks where I just sort of sit and look about and folks.
Eric:You can help Matt achieve his fursona dreams by becoming a Patreon member today. You didn't ask for this Patreon. For $1, you get access to the Discord. For $4, you get access to the Discord Monthly bonus content 20% off of you. Daft merch Just had to toss that in there.
Matt:Didn't see that plug coming, but I didn't stop it. Go right ahead. And Becky, what about your fursona? Yeah, what about your fursona?
Becky:Yeah, what's your fursona? So, uh, and I should have prefaced this too it doesn't have to be like a real animal, it can be fictional animals too, so I would go unicorn, just because I like a lot of bright color.
Eric:And because so many people approach you Like so many couples approach you at bars.
Becky:I have been. I have been approached to third a few times you just got that vibe about you. I'm pretty cool, so I think people pick up on that from across a bar, you know so you're a unicorn? Tell me about this horn um, I, I feel like, uh, iridescent, iridescent as fuck. Um, uh, spiraling obviously, uh, and then like maybe another, like a, um, uh, what do you call it? Like a, like a highlight color?
Matt:kind of running through the spiral.
Becky:Oh sure, okay, yeah, uh, my main would also be teal, um, and even though I know that this is a mistake white fur, because it's going to be dirty and disgusting immediately oh yeah, that is definitely a mistake, but majestic, I mean that's, that's what you picture there's an expectation, yeah exactly that's how you picture a unicorn yeah, yeah, see, during the day you have your unicorn persona, but then at night you become the nightmare.
Matt:Oh, yes, yes, yeah.
Becky:Yeah, when it's time to get nasty. I also feel, as far as like clothing goes for my fursona, it would be like very high femme, yeah. So like little, like kind of like pleat skirt thing, short, cute, like little crop toppy situation. Cute she little crop toppy situation.
Matt:She's a bad bitch and she knows what she wants exactly yeah, okay, so collections I think is next eric yeah, oh yeah matt, what do you call you?
Eric:I feel like you have many collections. What I've always said, I know of a few of them what?
Matt:what I've always said is I collect collections and Eric go ahead. What are some of my collections?
Eric:Funko Pops.
Matt:That's a big one.
Eric:Much like a good friend of mine and Becky's, our friend Lore, you collect garden gnomes, I do collect garden gnomes. Though you actually seek them out. Lore has garden gnomes thrust upon them well yeah, that's a collection.
Matt:That sort of started as a joke where I, when I was a kid, I wanted garden gnome for some reason. Then my parents got me one for christmas and then I got one for several christmases in a row and then people were just getting me garden gnomes for a little bit. But now that I have a house and we put some out front, there's like clearly not enough to make it a thing like it's there's more than one garden gnome, but not enough to make it a thing Like it's there's more than one garden gnome, but not enough to be like, wow, look at all the gnomes. So now we clearly got to get to fix that. We got to fix that. We got some more pressing issues with uh, uh, needing around the house before we get to the amount of gnomes. But you know, we're getting there.
Eric:Uh, my favorite, by the way, is the one it becky.
Matt:It's riding a turtle and like pointing forward like it's fucking the paul revere of of garden. I like that one and he's on a little stump uh, the geese are coming, uh, yeah and oh, the geese are here for sure.
Matt:Um, yeah, those squawky bitches. Um, I have a pond in my backyard, uh, so anyway, the um. So I have that. And but the biggest collection, probably the longest collection, is the shot glasses. In fact, my spring project is to get the shelves built for it, because I have to buy my own, because I pulled up my spreadsheet of my collection just to make sure I have the number correct I currently possess 229 shot glasses.
Becky:That's hell, I love that. You also that you have a spreadsheet.
Matt:Yeah, I have a spreadsheet. Yeah, I have a spreadsheet. Um it, matt loves a spreadsheet. I do love this spreadsheet in particular is necessary because I have you know where they're from to to answer questions of do you have a shot glass from this place or whatever? Uh, because for a long time I was only getting them as gifts or when people go places. But I and that's part of the reason why I have so many, because friends and stuff, when they're going on a trip to wherever, they get me a shot glass, because they know I collect shot glass. So I just have a lot of them and for that reason I have columns for who gave these to me and and on what occasion and, of course, when. Um, so then I can go back and and judge, judge my friends and family based on how many shot glasses they've given me.
Becky:You've got an accurate list of who gave you.
Matt:I've got an accurate list. I've got receipts.
Eric:Is what I'm saying yes For my collections. I'm very similar to Matt as someone who spent most of their life with undiagnosed ADHD. I had many collections For a long time. I'd say my most uh, uh, my two most impressive collection I collected like lighters. I collected seashells. I collected bottle caps. I collected uh all manner of things, but my two favorites I collected uh dragons because I had a relative who every Christmas and every birthday would get me like one of those. If you ever been like the Franklin Mint back in the day, they had like the really nice ceramic dragons like under the little glass domes.
Matt:oh yeah, yeah, yeah and these, like epic poses, I still have.
Eric:They're in the attic at my parents house. So many of those, and they're bad ass. And then I had a giant ass collection of corks oh well, like I we keep corks from.
Matt:Like we finish bottle wine, throw it in there because we're classy adults.
Eric:But I I, I really dig. I would just find court because I love all the little artworks that like companies will do only sometimes they'll have like whole frescoes and I don't even count that as like I guess you could say.
Matt:I collect books too, because I have a metric fuck ton of them and I'm always looking for more, but I don't think of that as one of my collections. I just love a book and I love having them around.
Eric:Yeah, becky, tell me about your collections.
Becky:Okay, so first and foremost are knives. I have a lot of knives which started when I was much younger. My older brother got a job at Chesapeake Knife and Tool, which used to be in White Marsh Mall. Oh shit, he worked at Knife and Tool, he sure did. And so for like all the like, for like Christmas and stuff, he would just be like everybody's getting this utility knife or this, like you know, like little assisted open, you know not a switchblade, but like where you push the thing on the back and it opens.
Becky:So it started there, my band Infinite Pizza. We also celebrate Knife Smiths as a band where we every holiday season we gift each other knives and other survival tools. So I have a bunch of fire starters and one of those emergency saws that just looks like a garrote wire, except it's saw material.
Becky:Oh yeah, yeah, where it's like, you just hold it and go, yeah, you like run it back and forth the wire. So knives are a first, and then I do. Also. I've been basically collecting tarot decks for the last however many years also. I've been basically collecting tarot decks for the last however many years, um, largely because I have a really specific project in mind that I want to make that requires me to have about 74 different decks at my disposal.
Becky:I want to make a deck that is all tower cards, um, from different decks, specifically so that, like it, it's a thing that I do at like parties and things, um, when everybody's a little bit, uh, drunk or you know, like in their cups, uh, where I will be, like I'm gonna, I'm gonna do readings come over and it's like a nice way to have like a little one-on-one moment with somebody during like an otherwise like big party, um, and I, you know, do readings and it's very fun. But what I? I want this oops, all towers deck so that I can, you know, you start and you flip the first card over and you go okay, you got the tower, not, it's, it's not the end of the world. I mean, this is, this is not a great card, but like it's about you know, uh, it's about rebirth, it's about you know we're hitting rock bottom. We can only go up from there.
Eric:You know, do the whole you are silver lining the shit out of this bad, bad card it's just the first card, let's see what else we pull.
Becky:And then you pull it and it's another tower and you keep pulling and you're like, oh my god, what did you do? What have you done? What's?
Matt:wrong with you yeah uh, how many of you killed yeah, so that's a.
Becky:That's a project that I want to work on favorite thing, which is like for as part of a collection.
Becky:Um, I'm like looking around my office at other stuff I collect. I I've been collecting a lot of like weird art stuff more recently too, just as like a uh, I've gotten really into the kind of like real macro, like gallery wall style, uh, you know art stuff. I I'm not gonna turn the camera because I think it'll be weird, but like I have like a whole wall of just different framed things and weird art pieces and like stuff behind me too very becky's office is dope as hell it's a lot of stuff to look at, because I'm in here a lot.
Becky:Yeah, yeah, I think that's great Got to be.
Matt:That's why I have all these Funkos up here. Yeah, and the childlike wonder in our lives.
Eric:So what do I do to manifest that childlike wonder? This show?
Matt:is a big outlet for it. I think that's clear to anyone who's listening.
Eric:No, this is an amazing safe space because when I come to the show I don't have to think about anything other than dumbass bits, and it's great.
Matt:Yeah.
Eric:It's phenomenal. How else I do that time to just go walk around in nature, to like go to a park and look at trees, and just legitimately be in awe of this insane machine that is?
Matt:nature. I think that's great. You are a big old toddler in that regard.
Eric:Thank you others too, but that one is is positive goo, goo, goo, and I cannot stress this enough Gaga, yeah, matthew yourself.
Matt:I agree with you with the nature part. I do. I try to. I work from home so I, at lunch and after work, I try to get out and take a little like 15 minute walk about just to stretch my legs and be out of enclosed space. Now that I'm here, I've got this like nature path, basically literally in my backyard, so I can just like hop on that, walk around the pond, sit, have lunch at the pond. Now that it's warming up, I'm back to doing that, which is nice. So those are nice, but I don't feel like I get the child wonder. It's more of like a breathe some fresh air and just like relax for a hot second.
Matt:Um, I will say I am right now binging my way with lindsey through taskmaster and I do feel like taskmaster as a show and an exercise is based upon childlike wonder, like 100. Yeah, just like. What kind of crazy things can you do with this? You know. So what kind of mess can you make here and make it funny? I feel like that's what is the big attraction to the show, is it? It's really down to basics, it's just people, truly playing around.
Eric:Gotta co-sign the shit out of Taskmaster God, Especially because it's judged on the most arbitrary, like Calvin Ball rules.
Matt:Yeah, Of like, whatever the whim of the host is.
Eric:Another one other thing I will say. This is probably the most pure childlike wonder thing I do when I am out and about my day. If, like Alyssa and I, go somewhere and we're standing in line to like check out at a register or something or or what have you, and there's like a parent, like holding a kid or like a small child. The second any kid makes eye contact with me. I am making faces at them, I'm just sticking my tongue out, crossing my eyes and the I live for the look on their faces. They will look around. They're like hold on, are grown-ups supposed to? Why is? Is anyone else seeing this? And the second anyone else looks. I'm like right back to normal Gaslight. Children is what I'm getting at.
Matt:Yeah, I was going to say it was cute and then became somehow devious.
Eric:Mm, hmm at the childlike wonder child. I love making face, especially getting little face making when they start like making faces back and we get a little standoff, they love it. Good on you, eric. Yeah, gotta find some way to keep occupied in the line at wawa yeah, of course uh cave exploration, I think is our last one yeah bad idea or worst? Idea, yeah, I would we can all say it on the count of three One, two, three.
Matt:Worst idea.
Eric:Depends on the cave.
Matt:Elaborate. If the caves we're talking about in question are anything, you need to crawl or shove your body into worst idea Very stupid, yeah. Your body into worst idea very stupid, yeah. If you're going into, like a proper subterranean cave, like echo, echo cavern, a cavern, more than if there's rails and a guide sure oh yeah, but I'm saying fine, I'm saying that, but you're the first one to find it sure oh, oh, yeah, like, like oh, I've discovered.
Matt:Hello, hello, yeah, yeah, if you're just in nature and see a small rounded cave that you can walk into, a bear's in there, don't go in there, don't go. That's someone's home goldilocks, so get out of there. So in that regard, most of the time I'd say bad idea. If you somehow find an epic cave, yeah, go ahead and explore I'd say but these people and I think this is the real spirit of the question but these people who are shoving their big ass bodies into these tiny little caves?
Eric:underwater oh it's the ones who, like you, the second scuba gear comes into it. Fuck you. You deserve whatever happens to you. Exactly God nature will reclaim you as it's right.
Becky:We have no business. We have no business there.
Matt:You wanted to swim into your own grave Sure? Go for it. Just stay in there.
Eric:Daddy, god made that underground cave accessible only through a narrow passage underwater for a reason, and you are not it yeah, you are not it, we don't need to be in there.
Matt:No, no, no, no. If you must go in there, you must make a tiny little remote control camera thing. That's how you get in there, if you must know you don't go in there with your head.
Eric:I have never in my life been more stressed by something I'm viewing than when I'm like watching someone explain like how they get through some of these narrow gaps. Like, oh yeah, for this one you actually have to take your tank off and like put that through first, and then you have to like expel all the air in your lungs so you're narrow enough to slip. They're like go, oh, you mean the thing keeping me the fuck alive, sure.
Matt:You mean the thing keeping me the fuck alive, sure. I'll just take that off.
Becky:I God, I no you couldn't pay me enough money to go into these caves? No, no, can we also talk about like when you like, when invariably someone dies in these caves, that like it's referred to as like the name of the cave incident or whatever, and like one of the more famous ones is like the nutty putty cave incident, which is like that's stupid, that's a stupid way that is how everyone will remember how you died so that one the put that on nutty putty the guy.
Becky:This guy was exploring a cave with other people and found this like very, very small side passage and was like I could fit through there and ended up stuck upside down and if you are upside down long enough you die, like that's just. That is just the way of it. They could not get him out. He's still entombed in there and they've like closed it off to people. But like it's referred to as like the nutty putty cave incident, I don't know that guy's name, but like I know that in the nutty Putty Cave incident I don't know that guy's name, but I know that.
Eric:I know he died in the Nutty Putty Cave incident and that fucking sucks.
Matt:Yeah, it's similar to the bodies on Everest, right, you can't get them down, so if you die climbing Everest, you're just there.
Becky:You become a landmark. You become a landmark for other people.
Matt:I know Like Green Boots Everyone knows about him. But you become a landmark for other people.
Eric:I know like green boots everyone knows about him but like that's your legacy, that is, you turn left at the boots like unless, unless the name of this cave is immediately followed by of wonders.
Becky:Fucking miss me with that shit honestly, though, even in that situation, the like, if we're going, aladdin rules that cave of wonders, you couldn't, you weren't supposed to touch anything no and or it would collapse on you and trap you, I think I think we we don't always say listen to our advice.
Matt:We often say the opposite. But in this case I'm gonna say if a cave opens up in the desert and speaks to you, do not go in that cave Go in.
Becky:The opening is its mouth, with teeth and a tongue.
Matt:Don't go into that.
Eric:If the cave's first words to you are who dares disturb my slumber, eric?
Matt:you can stop it. Who dares?
Eric:Who dares Just do not, couldn't be me.
Becky:Couldn't be me.
Matt:Couldn't be me. Eric, you can stop it. Who dares? Who dares? Couldn't be me? Couldn't be me. Sorry, boss, I'm on the wrong dune, excuse me.
Becky:Go back to bed.
Eric:My bad, just a little. Matt Shea-shaped cloud where he was standing Out of there.
Matt:Lisa Nalgaib, not here, see ya.
Matt:What do you think the cave does in that scenario? Because it does. It just stand there like just stay open, fucking thought bitch, and then goes back into the, into the sand but like does it wait?
Eric:like give it like an hour or so and and then it's like all right, no one's coming.
Matt:Damn, I guess I went a little hard on that one. It's been 10 years since someone came by. I should have softballed it a little bit. Yeah, damn. Work with a speech pathologist to sound more caring and endearing.
Eric:The next time it awakes, the first words out of its mouth are uh, so what are you doing tonight?
Matt:hey, hey you up, hey, no, don't run, don't run, fuck sup you. Uh, you like?
Eric:gold, you like curses I don't mean it all, right er Now?
Matt:you got some questions for our guests here.
Eric:But first of all can we just take a moment to say top to bottom, 10 out of 10 on all those questions.
Matt:No notes, no notes, nailed it, no notes. You know, understood the assignment Understood the assignment 100%. Now Becky yes.
Eric:I have a few questions for you and we can chew on these. Sure Question one what few questions for you and we can. We can chew on these, sure um. Question one what is a life lesson?
Becky:that everyone should take from infinite pizza whoa um, a life lesson that you should take from from infinite pizza, uh, and from me specifically, is that you should always carry a knife. The world is dangerous and you should stay strapped, uh, and currently it's only getting more dangerous. So I think that we should, we should stay ready, so we should all be carrying knives.
Eric:Yeah, and knife, knife, good tool.
Becky:Knife, great tool.
Eric:Knife tool for for cut rope, for for open things.
Becky:You can make kindling. You can make kindling open.
Matt:People get blood soup you can brandish it open people get soup, yeah, it's soup.
Eric:What is your favorite style of knife?
Matt:I am a big fan of like the assisted open yeah, just um, that was very satisfying, that was so good also this one's got.
Becky:It's got little, uh little hearts on it and it's pink, pink. It's very good. Oh yeah, I like a high femme knife. Yep, yep. All of my knives do perform femininity, including this one which is like a sexy leg.
Eric:Oh, yes, that is such a bitchin' knife.
Becky:This was like a knifesmith's gift, I want to say, from one of my bandmates.
Eric:That's cool. That boot was made for stabbing.
Becky:Oh, and I also have a whole ring of these, which. These are teeny, tiny little knives. They all have their own little thing because they are legit sharp. Oh, look at that, it's a little bigger and they are Damascus blades. I don't think you can tell in this.
Matt:So they are all with the patterns and shit.
Becky:Yeah, also a knife's misgift. Um, I it's. It's rare to find a knife that I don't like. I'm probably not a fan of, like your military style, like a k-bar, just yeah, I mean, those are very functional, um, but they, they lack a certain femininity and elegance to me a certain junice yeah, follow-up question.
Eric:This ties back to infinite pizza. What's the weirdest or wildest thing that's ever happened at one of your shows?
Becky:um, my favorite, my favorite thing is uh. So we played a house show. Um, like you know, punk house, the basement, and we were the last band going on and like, leading up to us, looking at the like two or three other people that played before us, it was like a singer, a singer guitar player, just like acoustic, uh, and then like a two-piece, but quiet we are, we are fully a band, like there are, yeah, there, we have amps and a big-ass drum kit and and of that. So, like someone called the police when we started playing Like we are pretty sure about that, based on response time, by the time the cops got there, we were done and we had already packed the van, a quiet house with people hanging out. We're still in the basement, like getting ready to say our goodbyes, and somebody goes, the cops are here and somebody put on like a record and we were like we are just some young people engaging in quiet discourse, listening to records together Couldn't be us.
Becky:You know, we did hear something a while ago, but it's gone now. I thought you mentioned it about 20 minutes ago.
Matt:Yeah, you might want to go check next door something a while ago, but it's. It's gone now you mentioned about 20 minutes ago.
Eric:Yeah, it was. You might want to go check next door some racket I want to say coming from the neighbor
Becky:yeah, it's like I was across the street, I, I don't know, hard to say, couldn't be us with our sonic youth records. Oh no at a reasonable volume um so reasonable we started joking that we were faster than the law at that god what that?
Eric:what a bad at, yes, instant marketing. Yeah, yeah, so fucking good, faster than the law. Uh, all right, so that's so that I tried to get some questions that cover just certain facets of of the badassness that is your life. Uh, what are some cool things about the mortuary arts that you wish more people knew? Yes, I'm very interested in this.
Becky:Okay, I mean there's a lot. I will start just by saying I know we've talked a lot about blood already, but I will also submit that blood is probably my favorite bodily fluid, just having worked with a lot of them. It's kind of pretty and it doesn't smell bad. So those are the criteria, because a lot of them are not pretty and do smell very bad.
Eric:Or it not even doesn't have to be mortuary arts. What do you wish more people knew about death, dead bodies, anything like any myths or common beliefs that you wish to dispel? Sure?
Becky:They don't sit up. They do not sit up, they don't.
Eric:You're saying this with the tone of someone. You had to explain this to someone who was in training.
Becky:Who thinks they sit up? So many people, so many people are like.
Matt:So they just they're on a table and they just are like, they're like oh, it's like the rigor mortis.
Becky:That is not how that works.
Matt:What I've never heard of anyone being like oh yeah, dead bodies, they sit up when they get hard.
Becky:You live a blessed life, wow, it comes up like anytime I bring it up, like that's one of a few questions that typically comes up, they sit up right Like is that true? Or like they make noise, and it's like no, not exactly. I mean there's like there's gases and stuff that are happening that find an exit, but like they're not. Like if they're making, noise Locomotive. Yeah, if they are moving or seeming like they're making sounds actively, that is not a dead body. You've got bigger issues. Call 9-1-1. What are you doing?
Eric:that man's alive. Yeah, uh, and and that's just a side tangent question has there, have you ever been in a situation where, like someone, someone came to you as a, as a body, and it turned out they were, like there was any doubt cast as to whether or not they were dead.
Becky:No, no, nowadays there's a lot of people that are making a lot of checks in a lot of different ways to verify that, yes, you are dead. Now I'm not to say that that doesn't happen. There was a case in I want to say it was like Alabamaabama a bunch of years ago about a man who passed away at home under hospice care. But it turns out he hadn't actually passed away, just his pulse was very low. So he did actually wake up in the funeral home and scared the shit out of those morticians there you are.
Matt:You're both sort of flirting with the plot of Autopsy Room 4, a short story by Stephen King, which is excellent, which is all about somebody who gets bit by a rare snake I think Snake or spider, I think it's a snake.
Eric:He's still alive. He's still alive, he can feel everything.
Matt:He's still alive and very much conscious and is sent to the autopsy room but can't act on anything.
Becky:So here's a fun thing to know, just in general. So when you cut into a dead body because the heart's not beating, there's not blood flow. But if you cut into somebody, even if their pulse is very reduced and they are still alive, there will be blood flow, so people would be able to tell pretty quickly that you are not actually dead in that situation. Just a fun fact to know.
Eric:What do you even say? And you just kind of it's like, oh my bad, pull pressure.
Becky:Call 911. Sorry.
Matt:Wrong table. I've got just the Band-Aid. Hold on.
Eric:Bonus question and I'm teeing this up for you, becky, because we have discussed this, but I feel like it's a good PSA why do I never want to die within the borders of Washington DC?
Becky:Okay, washington DC has some really intense funerary laws, particularly laws around cremation. I'm not sure if any of this has changed since I got out of the funeral service kind of industry, but at the time that I was working in funeral service one of the funeral homes I worked in was in Silver Spring. So we did often do funerals for people who passed in DC, lived in DC. The way it works if somebody passes away in DC and you want them to be cremated, you should have started working on that before they died. But the medical examiner in DC has to grant, basically approve, cremation. So if they passed away at home on hospice, in a hospital, we, the funeral home, has to take the body to the DC medical examiner with the death certificate that we got from a doctor or the hospital wherever, and they have to basically rule out that there was any kind of homicide or suspicious anything, because you know if you cremate a body it really does get rid of all of the evidence here.
Matt:So they have to approve that Save maybe the bullets.
Becky:Yeah, it cost. At the time that I did this it was $75 for the cremation stamp on the death certificate which you had to have before you could cremate. Dc was often very backed up. Like this was holding up people being able to funeralize, like to have their funeral, have their memorial service, because the cremated remains we didn't have them yet, we didn't even have the body back yet, so like it would hold things up for a very long time and it was just like needlessly complicated. Assume still now they had an online death certificate system so that, like, if you passed away at like holy cross hospital, they could enter all the information and have like a digital signature added to it. Now again, if you still want that person cremated, we then have to like get the electronic stuff and print it out and take that physically with the body. So it's like this like combination of like very high tech system and very low tech systems that like just kneecap the whole process.
Eric:Wow.
Matt:Yeah.
Eric:So if you get, so if you're dying in.
Becky:Washington DC crawl crawl if you must go to Virginia, go to Maryland, get out of DC. Pick a side, get out, yeah.
Matt:Yeah, I mean I'm not too shocked. Yeah, the dc has some legal uh hurdles regarding death, I mean, without being a state. They have many hurdles like that in many different areas you want to hear my theory?
Matt:all right.
Eric:Here's my theory they want to discourage cremation as much as humanly possible, because if you cremate a dead body you might especially in washington dc, with a high level of politicians in the area you might find some things you don't like, like the fact some of these bones appear to belong to reptiles very good, so very good look, just do your research, throwing it out there.
Eric:Uh, you know, look deeper um. But this brings me to my speaking of looking deeper, yeah, lots um becky, and I did not tell him this was happening. Okay, could you please do a tarot reading for my co-host, matt shay?
Becky:I sure can oh boy so I've got three different decks and I would like for you to choose from them. So um have the. This is the. This is a Luna Somna deck. It's pretty. It's very, uh, very like a moon based Um.
Matt:I have a. You're going to hit me with a bunch of tower cards, right, no?
Becky:no, I haven't made that yet I haven't made that, yet it was a ruse.
Eric:You can see how actually nervous. Matt is mad, is it's great?
Becky:um, this is my marigold tarot, so it's a lot of like skeletons, a lot of gold on black. It's very pretty. And then, um, I have my adventure time tarot deck, which is one of my favorites, but yeah, of course, of those three do you have a preference?
Matt:uh, yeah, let's go with adventure time. I think straight to it.
Eric:I had a feeling yeah, um yeah, and while while we're shuffling up uh, this was a bonus question from al Uh, becky could Think more towards binding think more towards protection.
Becky:If there is someone that is doing harm, perhaps in a very high position of government, you don't necessarily want to curse or hex, because that could come back on you Double and thrice. Right, right in fact. So you more want to bind that person or cast for protection for yourself or your loved ones.
Eric:And when you say binding someone, what does that mean?
Becky:Is it like?
Eric:preventing them from doing more harm.
Becky:Yeah, so think of your classic the Craft, when our lead character, sarah, was trying to bind Nancy from doing harm to others or harm to herself. Got it?
Eric:It's like wrapping them in cosmological bubble wrap.
Becky:Yeah, stop it. It's like swaddling. It's like swaddling an angry child.
Eric:Or like my cat when I take her to the vet. Nope, we're just going to wrap you up like a little burrito so you can't hurt yourself or others. Exactly.
Becky:Matt, typically for tarot readings, I usually ask if you have a question or just like a general how are we doing? What's the future hold? What are you thinking?
Matt:You know Eric is not lying. I didn't know this was happening. So I don't have a question prepped.
Becky:No, you don't have to. Like I said, it's just more of a general like.
Eric:We could do a vibe check.
Becky:Oh yeah, you want to do a vibe check yeah.
Matt:Check my vibe, becky, yeah.
Becky:All right, so I'm going to cut the deck.
Matt:So I'm going to kind of Smiling. So I'm going to kind of smiling like a fucking idiot. Anyway, continue, that's right.
Becky:I'm going to kind of run my finger down the deck like this and I'm going to tell you, to tell me, stop when you want me to cut the deck. Okay so all right, ready and stop.
Eric:Okay, I swear to God, matt, if you get a tower on the first card, I will fucking lose my mind. You're going to lose more than that. Let me tell you.
Becky:All right, you got an Ace of Coins, which this is one of Jake's kids. All right, you've got Six of Coins, and this character is Princess Bubblegum's weird little brother. Okay, and then Ace of Swords, which is Princess Bubblegum's uncle.
Matt:Very, very appealing. I was going to say very nice, but I don't know.
Becky:All right, give me two seconds. I have my little notebook for this. Oh okay, it's really cool.
Eric:Becky has like a handwritten notebook. I only saw the cover and it looked cool. Studied the tarot and made notes about each one. It's really cool, very nice.
Becky:All right. So Ace of Coins, a Very nice wealth. Or, um, like grounding, like, like things coming from the earth. So ace of pentacles represents new beginnings, grounding earth. How have I been shaped versus what do I give shape to? That's what I have here interesting, and then six of coins yeah uh six of coins represents generosity, financial and uh financial and as well as emotional support. So it's goodness, it's prosperity, giving of yourself, giving and receiving generously.
Matt:Okay.
Matt:So far, so good, I feel.
Becky:Feels overwhelmingly positive Ace of Swords, everything before.
Eric:this is a lie and you will suffer.
Becky:So again, aces are are typically again like new beginnings yeah this is a different suit, right, so swords are um more action based. Yeah, it's, you know, aggressive, uh so cutting to the heart of things please sorry, I've learned everything I know, like so much about what?
Matt:I know of Tarot from Becky.
Matt:I'm being red, Eric, if you could just shut the fuck up while the expert's telling me my vibe. I'm sorry.
Eric:I will change Namaste.
Becky:All right. So this card represents breakthrough, clarity, a sharp mind, revelation, new ideas cutting to the chase. It's cutting to the heart of the matter new energy, the opportunity to gain better understanding of your unexpressed desires and also fears.
Matt:Ooh yeah, got a few of them.
Becky:So we've got. So the vibe is very grounded, the vibe is very generous and the vibe is cutting to the heart of the matter.
Matt:That's me.
Becky:I dig it that feels like my vibe at the moment. Yeah, that was awesome. Thank you for letting me read for you. Thank you for doing it I appreciate.
Matt:I've only had like two other tarot readings in my life, so uh okay, good, I thought you never had it done, but I yeah no, I've had it done just like literally twice Gotcha. So thank you for that, becky's amazing for this.
Eric:Becky has read my tarot many times. She was talking earlier about like the when it's late night at a party and like people are, like that's when it's when Becky cooks Sure, sure.
Becky:Pick a spot at a table and I just put the decks down and I'm like who's up, who's up.
Eric:Take a number, there will be a queue. It's amazing.
Matt:Well, that was delightful and, in general, this was delightful, becky.
Eric:This was so great Becky.
Matt:Thank you so much for coming on to the show. Thanks, guys, before we let you go, is there anything you want to promote or plug, coming up with Infinite Pizza or anything else?
Becky:We don't have any shows booked right now, but we are on Bandcamp. We're on some of our stuff's on Spotify, but everything that we have recorded right now is up on Bandcamp. We are on Instagram as InfinitePizza666, I think, because that's funny, very good, so you can follow me there, follow the band there, um, and as soon as we have any shows upcoming, we will be loud about it.
Matt:For sure, absolutely, and we will. Uh, we'll drop some of those links in the show description if people want to go right to that insta and whatnot. Uh, so yeah, so becky. Thank you so much for joining us. I do think that's about at the end of all our exploring here today. Yeah, real quick. Let me just hit the business. You didn't ask for this at gmailcom. That's where you can send us questions. You can also do that at. You didn't ask pod. That's the letter. U didn't ask pod. Instagram, tiktok, blue Sky, facebook, sort of. We're also on YouTube, sort of. Uh, we're also on youtube, sort of. So you can check those out. Uh, the thought line 410-929-5329 leave us a cheeky little voicemail. We'll play it on the show. You don't even need to include a question if you don't want to. So there's that. And, eric, did I miss anything? You already did the plug for the patreon, so do that.
Matt:Give us money, please, please god, give us, give us your money yeah, if you like this show matt can achieve his fursona yeah, if you want to have me become a sloth with a nice little cardigan, no pants, you're gonna have to support me. I'm sorry, uh, so please do that, and, um, I think that'll about do it from all of us here. You didn't ask for this, uh, my name is matt shea my name is eric poach and I was becky this whole time.
Eric:There you go oh, you were becky this whole time, god fucking knew it and listen. You didn't ask but, matt, I, we're gonna need that patreon money for your fursuit, because I don't know if you know this about fursuits, I might have talked about this before. Thousands of dollars on the low end oh yeah, it's a rich kid hobby, like ac units built into the house and you're gonna want that, you're, you're gonna oh no, I, because I'm already familiar with, like, the mascot lifestyle of.
Matt:Yeah, and this is true, any mascot you see at a sporting event or whatever is someone in tighty-whities and nothing else inside that, because it's just so goddamn hot. So, with that, put that on your sleep timer while this episode plays out. Huh, picture that shit.