You Didn't Ask For This
You Didn't Ask For This
107 | Surrender to Kyle
In this episode Matt becomes a pampered prince, Eric is subjected to another Pop Quiz, and, of course, we answer some questions:
- I just had a baby boy, my question for you guys is what is some fatherly advice I should give him first?
- What's the proper etiquette for letting someone know their zipper is down?
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Eric, I stand before you, a pampered prince.
Eric:Sorry, that's just like from the get.
Matt:I am a pampered little prince.
Eric:You're my pampered little, you're my little princeling. What happened, Eric I? How did your fortune turn.
Matt:Eric Matthew Shea has been to a spa. Oh my.
Eric:You been to a spa?
Matt:Oh my, you went to a spa, I went to a spa.
Eric:I and I say this with utmost respect, just because I know you as a person could never fathom you going to a spa.
Matt:I have been to a spa.
Eric:How was it Tell me everything? Did you go to Spa World? Fuck, no, I went. Oh, goes to a spa spa. How was it tell me everything? Did you go to spa world? Fuck, no, I went.
Matt:Oh, goes to a spa once I went to the hershey spa oh shit, in hershey, pennsylvania. So here's how this came about, right yeah, yeah, yeah, tell me um, when?
Matt:so for very, very long time, uh, lindsay, my sister-in-law and my mom have been talking about going to the Hershey spa, and so when they were all here like in the fall for Eric and my brother, Eric, uh, and and my sister-in-law to see the house and all this stuff, the subject came up and they've been trying to do this spa trip for ages, like literally, like maybe 10 years, jesus.
Eric:Like a long time, didn't just real quick, didn't know? Hershey had a spa.
Matt:I didn't know. There was like a At the Hershey.
Eric:The. I believe that there are spas around Hershey, but the Hershey spa.
Matt:I believe it's the spa at the Hotel Hershey is the name, the full name, but anyway, we're talking about and they were like we should finally do it around Christmas, when people are in town for Christmas. And so a bit begins of like, well, maybe we should all go, like my dad and my brother and me as well, and my dad, of course, is like no, no, no, no, and Eric's like quiet dad grumbling Loud big brother grumbling Exactly. But I say I was like, no, I'll go.
Eric:Let's do it.
Matt:And to my surprise, everyone else was like, okay, oh shit, they called the bit Well, I would. I thought I was calling their bluff like you wanted all the men to be like I'm not going, and so I thought I was calling their bluff by being like I'll go and so. But then when my mom and lindsey and everybody and we're like yeah, I think it'd be cool, I think you'd'd love a spa, and I was like, okay, fine, fuck it. Like sure, if we're doing this, I'll do it, why not?
Eric:And when I say like I never envisioned you going to a spa in nothing to do with like masculinity and like oh I don't know and everything to do with your comfort zones, with being around like Human, beings yes. Yes.
Matt:Well, so I had a being touched by them. Yes.
Eric:Being in the semi-nude.
Matt:I had a little, Okay. Well, first of all, I've performed naked before.
Eric:Well that, but you'll do anything for work For a buck.
Matt:You'll do anything for. Well, that does Once you do a play that involves you being naked in a freezing cold bathtub. You're pretty chill with pretty much most things.
Eric:Yeah, everything's just downhill after that.
Matt:Yeah, but for me you did hit the nail on the head. It was the touching. I was like I've never had a professional massage and and mostly because I'm like I get a little weird weirded out by like just strangers just coming into- physical contact, it's a perfectly reasonable feeling to have so so. So I had some nerves about it, but you know, I hey, I did it. And, eric, I'm here to tell you what you think.
Matt:I'm a spa man hell yes, brother, I would eric, let me tell you this I was made for the spa life, all right god, paint me this picture I'm gonna paint you this picture, so okay.
Matt:So I arrive. Uh, we, we arrive. I have to be escorted over to the, to the men's dressing room, and so I get in my robe with which to walk around the place. I've been informed that I can dress down, to quote my level of comfort Nice, so, just to maintain other people's feelings, maybe I keep some underwear on, but otherwise it's just me and my robe. Hell dog people's feelings. Maybe I keep some under. I keep some underwear on, but otherwise it's just me and my rope. Hell dog Love that.
Eric:Which is one of the most comfortable configurations I could ever exist in, Just like me, but sans being straight nude with robe, boxers and robe peak relaxation around the house.
Matt:So and so then I got to go up, so I I had two services on the docket. I had a 80 minute massage, oh dog. In the morning Chocolate massage.
Eric:It is the Hershey Spa, and then Do they rub like cocoa beans and shit into your body?
Matt:And then my second service was a chocolate fondue wrap. This sounds dope. And then my second service was a chocolate fondue wrap. This sounds dope. And I didn't know what the fuck that was going to be. But I and I'll be honest, I'm not too proud to say was I led on by the words chocolate fondue? Yes, I was. Yeah, yes I was. Did I understand in my head and in my heart that I would not be eating or consuming chocolate fondue? Yes, I did know that, but nevertheless, that's where it led me.
Eric:You have a moral obligation when certain things are pitched.
Matt:So once I get the tour of the place, I'm taken to the dressing room, I change into my robe and then I began to meander about the grounds until I am told I can come. So there's two rooms, yep, so they'll come find you. That's the thing. You don't have to be anywhere, they'll find you. God, I love that, and you can just go wherever you want to go.
Eric:My nightmare is having to wait in a spot for any amount of time.
Matt:So the three main areas they're going to check are the aromatherapy room, the quiet room, which is the main waiting area, and then the silent room. Not to be confused with the quiet room, the silent room Tell me everything.
Matt:So I go up, of course, to the quiet room, yes, to see what's on offer there. And what's on offer there is, you know, they got some muffins and things and some coffee, and they also have cocoa. And I say, well, I'm here, eric, I'm here at the Hershey Spa, got to, I got to get this cocoa, eric. I'm here, eric, I'm here at the Hershey Spa, got to, I got to get this cocoa, eric. I cannot stress this enough. It was the best hot chocolate that I have ever had in my life.
Matt:And I cannot tell you how many cups of this cocoa I consumed throughout the day. Of this cocoa I consume throughout the day, when I Eric, when I tell you that I, when my cup runneth empty, I went right back for more cocoa. But I don't have to go to the quiet room. They got it stationed all over the place. Fuck yeah, just wherever you turn, here's another cocoa dispenser.
Eric:That is. I've got to take Alyssa there now. It's Eric Ericic. It's so good. I want to experience this. It's so good. Tell me about the. Yeah, very expensive.
Matt:Oh, I from everything you've described, yeah very expensive, yeah, but, but it was very, very nice, so, okay. So then I'm in the choir room. Yeah, I'm sit, I sit down with my cocoa. All the girls are off in the women's dressing room, right, yeah, so I don't. I'm on my own at this moment, and eventually they too are led up here, just as I was, and I have to tell you, lindsay sees me from across the room, sitting in my pink robe, yep, with my cup of cocoa, your little prince and she just starts laughing immediately. I was like it's just the sight of me, and she was like I have never seen you so at peace, and I have seen you sitting in this quiet room in front of a fireplace. Three decades.
Eric:It took In a robe. We cracked the code, sipping away at a little prince Sitting away at a little prince. A little Hershey prince.
Matt:I come and I am retrieved by Kyle, who is my masseuse, monsieur. So he takes me back to the massage parlor and I guess I guess for 80 minutes he works me. But it didn't feel like 80 minutes, I'll tell you that right now. It took me some time to really, like you know, relax into it, give myself over to Kyle Surrender to the experience of Kyle Surrender to Kyle, I like to imagine, and he just leans down.
Eric:He's like surrender to me. And I'll say this hell of a pair of hands oh yeah, mad respect, dude, like mad respect for any like masseuses. Dude, like I can't imagine the stamina it takes, so anyway, so there's.
Matt:I mean, there's not much to say about the massage. It's a massage and it rules it's my first. One was great dude they're so good, fucking love the thing.
Eric:You almost feel like kind of sore afterwards. You're like Jesus Christ, all this stuff's waking up.
Matt:Just me, just fucking nude, covered in cocoa oil. Hell yeah, dog, it was great, it turns out, and the way he was working my shoulders and stuff, I was like I could feel the knots. Eric Knots, I didn't even know were there, yep, but yeah, I'll date kyle's like oh, kyle found him.
Matt:Oh, my son, my blessed son, and I was like I know I'm gonna be sore tomorrow by just how much he's working this, but I was like man right now. It's a good sore, it feels great and much like when I did the sensory deprivation tank, the floating tank, which I absolutely love.
Eric:I wanted to do one of those so bad. Oh, I'll do one with you. Oh, hell yeah, dude, let's do that before we go see Nosferatu.
Matt:Let's go. I didn't even have the. Some people talk about the hallucinogenic effect you can have. I didn't even have that. Just the pain relief from the floating spot was enough for me to be like I'll come back. Yeah, 100%, come back. Anyway, kyle works me. Then we have the buffet lunch, which is it's not all you can eat buffet, but it's all like healthy. You know stuff Nice, it was delicious, and I'll say this healthy. You know stuff nice, it was delicious, and I'll say this this is much like when I told you about my first time in the quiet car and ham track. The way I adjusted to the spa life was made clear to me in the buffet because we're sitting there, we're eating, everybody else is there in our everyone's in robes, and then this couple comes in, eric, fucking clothed, and I couldn't help but look at them with suspicion yeah, and not to yuck anyone's yum, but ew, ew I literally was like ew, I like leaned over to my mom, my sister-in-law and lindsey and was like what do you think their deal is?
Matt:like what are you new? What are they doing here? Like god damn, what are those jeans?
Eric:jesus christ, I'm sitting here with my orzo and my balls out especially like, like physically recoiling from the sight of their denim. Oh, oh, oh the vibrations, anyway.
Matt:So then I have my wrap, which and for a while there was a sizable gap in between the two things and the silent room is just like the quiet room, except no talking at all is permitted, just nothing.
Matt:And so people are just like in chairs, just asleep, just conked out, yeah, but there's not a lot of seating there. So at a certain point and I didn't bring a book or anything because I didn't realize there'd be such time, so without a book, I was like actually I don't want to go to sleep, because you know how I am with naps, I'll get all groggy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I was like I'm just going to leave the silent room and open up a seat for somebody else. And so then I just start wandering around, eric, I'm just looking out windows at the vast gardens of the Hershey Hotel, pondering, going to the aromatherapy room where there was another gentleman who was just fucking asleep, and so I'm just sitting in a nice smelly room with an asleep man and both of us are just naked in robes, bro, I love everything about this for you.
Matt:and so then I have my wrap, which they put chalk. To put it in a nutshell, because I know I'm going on and on, I get wrapped in, I get put in chocolate fondue, and by who you ask, they dipped you in chocolate. Let me ask, let me tell you something who is serving me this wrap? It's Kyle.
Matt:It's Kyle again I'm back with Kyle. So Kyle rubs me down with chocolate fondue, wraps me up in cellophane literally in cellophane and then covers me in these heavy blankets and then just leaves the room for 10 minutes.
Eric:Let you marinate.
Matt:Just lets me marinate. And then this, in many ways, is the best part he covers my eyes with a towel, not my nose and my mouth, because this is very important. It now becomes time to wash off everything and what they do. I'm lying down, eric, and they bring over this apparatus. They, they being kyle, yeah, brings over this god among men that is essentially a seven head shower.
Matt:Head oh, that's just the length of my body, that they're just that. He just like it's. I'm literally just getting a shower laying down and they keep the towel over my eyes, not my nose, my mouth, because otherwise waterboarding.
Eric:Yeah, the exact thought. The second you said not covering your mouth and nose, like yeah, because then they'd be waterboarding, they'd be waterboarding.
Matt:But let me tell you something I knew I wasn't being waterboarded because I cracked those eyelids a little bit and when he was bringing the apparatus by my face, oh, kyle put a little hand in front of my mouth. He put a little hand up, a little guard. Kyle protected, kyle, protected. Kyle dried the floor and then made a path of towels to the door so I could walk right out. It was delightful. It was delightful, it was delightful, and I'm here to tell you, eric that.
Matt:I am made for the spotlight. My good bitch, Eric, and I will shit you not. No less, no less than 10, 12 cups of cocoa.
Eric:My man, my prince.
Matt:No, I am serious. That cup would be empty and I'd be like, oh, looks like it's cocoa o'clock.
Eric:Cocoa oh Kyle, oh Kyle.
Matt:Kyle, if you would be so kind, please. Well, hello everybody and welcome to you. Didn't Ask for this, the podcast that answers life's least pressing questions. My name is the pampered prince matthew shea, and uh, who's this over?
Eric:here I am, his consort, eric poach.
Matt:Eric poach, yes, thank you, thank you, yes, for being here among me the posh. Your eminence, should we just jump right the fuck in, eric?
Eric:Speaking of dads. Speaking of dads. Dads have come up a lot so far.
Matt:We have a very important question because it's critical. I would say it's critical and personal. It came up in the discord the Udaf discord that DairyKing11, also known to you and I as Eric to Erica Yep DairyKing11 asked us a question. That BitFree honors me yeah, truly. He says I just had a baby boy. My question for you guys is what is some fatherly advice I should give him first, that is huge.
Eric:We're talking foundation, laying fatherly advice.
Matt:Particularly because, at least at this moment in time, neither Eric nor I are fathers.
Eric:No, moment in time, neither eric nor I are fathers. No, and and assuming the that my my surgeon brock knew what he was doing when he gave me the snip, that will not be on the timeline for me.
Matt:Sure, I believe it's reversible if you're, you change your mind. But yes, but if he knew his business well, I wasn't going to say that for you. But yeah, you've been snipped, I've been snipped, baby Snipped and clipped. So that office is closed? Yeah, it remains very much a possibility for me, however, not at this moment, right now. I'm looking around here. I see a portrait of Samuel Beckett behind me. I don't see a child.
Eric:I don't see child. I don't see child. I don't see picture. I don't see child. I just see an old, old irish man, I'll see what I show you.
Matt:What I do have here is oh, what's this, what's this? Is it a you daft hoodie? Oh, yeah, plug it, plug it hoodie, our merch, now available at you. Didn't ask for thiscom slash shop, absolutely, it is.
Eric:Wait, the same Yadaf merch shop which you can get 20% off of all merch if you, you know, subscribe to our highest Patreon tier of four measly dollars a month.
Matt:Four measly dollars a month. Patreoncom slash youdontaskforthis the very the self-same Eric, god damn. Anyway, that's enough of the plugs because, eric, it's time to get about down the baby tax. Yes, the king himself, derrick king 11, asked us in our discord exclusively access through patreon, access for fatherly advice, eric and eric, first. First of all, we always talk about all hail the king baby for derairy King 11. But seriously, eric of the De'Erico variety, a hearty congratulations to you and the Dairy Queen. Long may you reign.
Eric:Long may you reign. Nothing but health and happiness to you and yours, until the end of time.
Matt:And to your baby boy yeah, baby boy, no name included here. So baby boy. Yeah, baby boy, no name included here. So, eric, I think we should probably make one up.
Eric:Oh, 100% what you got, derek Derek, derek to Eric-o.
Matt:Derek to Eric-o yeah.
Eric:You looked so fucking insulted and then you heard the whole name eric derrick to erico eric to erico derrick, eric to erico yes, yes, derrick eric to erico the second. The second turns out his old man just goes by his middle name. So, uh, or even better, he's. He's not actually the second, but the second is part of the name he's not a junior, he's the second little little derrick. Eric to erico, it's us your funcles your funcles here.
Matt:You didn't ask for, you didn't ask for these uncles and you got them baby. Yep, here we are. So, eric, what? What fatherly advice can we, can we give? I feel that the pressure's on us, eric, oh yeah and I want to fuck this up.
Eric:It's worth noting there's first fatherly advice, but I think we can all agree that, like, until a certain age, advice isn't even on the table, because until a certain age it's just instructions to keep the child alive. Correct, don't touch that, don't put that in your mouth. That's not advice. No, no, no, no.
Matt:But there will come a time. He did ask for fatherly advice that he should give him first Yep. But I don't think. Don't touch the stove is included. No, he's got that.
Eric:That's just good advice. That's just good advice, that's just survival tactics when I think of fatherly advice.
Matt:I know I've mentioned this on the podcast before, but it's been a long time and you certainly don't remember. I think of a moment that I was just joking around with my dad One Christmas, as a matter of fact. Remember. I think of a moment that I said I was just joking around with my dad one christmas, as a matter of fact, yeah, I was home from either college or just home for the holidays and I was saying, like you know, I don't think this, uh, being an adult thing's working out so great for me. I'd like to cancel my subscription. Yuck, yuck, yuck, yuckuck, hyuck. And my dad responded with well, I guess that's why ostriches stick their heads in the ground, and I've never forgotten it. You want to know what one from?
Eric:my old man I've never forgotten. Give me that gem. One day my dad was doing Rick Poach stuff Classic. He's great, he's funny, he's dry humor. And I hit him with a very sarcastic. I was like man, I don't know what mom ever saw in you, and obviously in a joking way. And he responds with well, you know, I was a gentleman, I respected her, I loved her and I can part my hair with my tongue. I respected her, I loved her and I can part my hair with my tongue. Fucking got it Like I spat out whatever I was drinking. He always hits me out of left field with that shit.
Matt:It's. It's so good to know your dad finishes the job you know, I'm just happy to hear it Fellas finish the job. Anyway, here's what I'll say. Yeah On that note, a great, great memory. If they let my parents don't actively listen to the pod, I think every now and then they'll turn on an episode, and if this is one of them.
Eric:What a treat what a, what a treat?
Matt:because a few years ago we were home and there was some it was like an old spice commercial or something where there was somebody on a horse and he with a woman and the phrase riding bareback came up in the commercial.
Eric:I can see the T rising out of the ground. Ball top it Out of the ground.
Matt:Ball. To top it, my dad, who has not said, who's just sitting in the corner with his scotch and hasn't said a word in probably an hour goes. I'd like to ride her bareback. Got him and then, from across the room, my mom raises her champagne and goes go for it. Oh, oh, my God, it's such a treasured memory, god, it's so good. My mom, nonplussed, is like go for it, shoot your shot. My guy, my guy and Lindsay was in the room and she was flabbergasted by this whole Incredible. Incredible.
Eric:Oh, my God, Cheers, fatherly advice, fatherly advice, so, and I think I feel like the realm, I think like fatherly advice starts around middle school, ish. Yeah, like between the ages of like 10 and 12 is when it starts, I think. So here's Funkle Eric's Funkle Eric. First piece of fatherly advice.
Matt:The rarest of Funko.
Eric:Pops. This is legit. What I would, a good piece of advice I would give young Derek Eric De'Erico, derek, eric De Derek, derek, eric Derek. There is a difference between being nice and being kind. Absolutely Nice is how things are presented. It is how it is the I've. I've heard it expressed as the gift, it is the wrapping paper that your actions come in, and some people who I've worked for, people who have done the worst things to me, did them very nicely. And there is a world of difference between doing something nicely and doing someone a kindness and you will spend your whole life learning to spot the difference, to to quote the late great steven sondheim via into the woods.
Matt:Nice is different than good here here, here here, little red, and that is, that is something very honestly, very important to to instill in somebody, because I think it is an important lesson to learn like legitimately, absolutely and funny, free, you know, yeah, yeah, because people will kill you with a smile, you know they really will.
Eric:Oh yeah.
Matt:They'll disrespect you with a smile.
Eric:Oh yeah, they'll purr my last email you with a gleaming, glittering princely smile.
Matt:Well, let's not bring in your work drama to this, okay, yeah, absolutely. I think that. I think that is important to know. Nice, different than good. It's. It's honestly. It's hard because I want to come up with something meaningful, but I'm also like trying to project myself into fatherhood, which is fucking with me a little bit. Not going to lie to you, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll say some things that I say to my turtle. You know you're going to want to bask. Make sure you get some basking time. Take the moments, take the moment. Take the bask in the moment. Bask in the moment that's what I say to my 30-year-old turtle. Bask in the moment. Take the moment. Bask in the moment. Bask in the moment that's what I say to my 30-year-old turtle, bask in the moment. And let me tell you something he does for 10, 12 hours a day.
Eric:You have to take the moment. You got to bask in existence. Take the moment.
Matt:I'd say and this is true, and this is advice I probably haven't heeded very well myself Don't be afraid of failure, but don't be afraid to learn from it. Either yes, or don't be afraid of failure, but be prepared to learn from failure.
Eric:Because you will always be learning. You will spend every moment of your life learning something. It's up to you whether the lesson sticks. That's right, Eric?
Matt:that's right.
Eric:Thank you, Matt.
Matt:Now, eric, those are some meaningful things that we've said. Yeah, sure, but I think I know what Eric to Erica is really. After, he wants us to be able to provide a sort of checklist.
Eric:I think to a certain extent.
Matt:Okay, like what films need to be introduced at an early age, would you think? Oh?
Eric:Back to the Future, well, sure.
Matt:Or Lord of the Rings, I think and you'll know when the time is right. Derrick King 11. You got to sit your boy down and say I'm going to introduce you to something called Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Yes, and you're going to experience it, and you're going to have one of two reactions, either the correct one or the wrong one.
Eric:Yep.
Matt:And that's how we're going to know whose kid you are.
Eric:That's what you say. That's what you say to your child, Derek Eric Jericho.
Matt:It's just what we call raises the stakes. Yes, raises the stakes.
Eric:He's got to know they're there, he's got to know they're there, because at some point you realize, oh shit, I didn't know that.
Matt:I could be. You're either laughing at the holy hand grenade of Antioch or you're foolish.
Eric:Yes, oh, also watch Paddington.
Matt:Watch Paddington Paddington 2. I'm told is one of the greatest. Oh, you haven't seen it. I haven't seen it yet. Don't come for me.
Eric:I'm not, this isn't about us. And our later argument this isn't about us, this is about our, our, our fun little nephew, derrick eric de erico. Derrick eric de erico, and man, it just rolls off, it just. And I, derry king, truly I am so sorry if you were listening this and now regretting whatever you actually named your kid.
Matt:Because we just sort of knocked it out of the park and I'm going to have to send you a message just to confirm that your son's name is not Derek. Because, if so, this whole episode is going to be bleeped to high hell.
Eric:And also there is a lesson here I am and, and, and also there is a lesson here Always be learning. When your son inevitably listens to this and he realizes his name could have been Derek Eric De'Erico.
Eric:Derek Eric he will learn a very valuable lesson and, honestly, this is the scary part, because this is this is a, this is a life lesson that you could give to your son, but more than likely, through life experience, he will have to learn on his own. His father is a mortal man. He is human, he makes mistakes, he doesn't know everything.
Matt:How dare you say that about Derry King 11?
Eric:I know, but how dare you say that about Derry King?
Matt:11? I know, but how dare you reveal these secrets? It's like Puxatawney Phil you have to keep up the illusion. The suspension of disbelief.
Eric:Derek Eric DeErico, your father is an immortal god and will never die, god of lactose yes, god commands such cows.
Matt:A user handle.
Eric:we've never pretended to understand, oh yeah, but it's perfect, we don't need to we don't need to. All hail the king baby. I'll say this, another piece of fatherly advice. Tell me you did mention it is a boy. It's a boy child To be a man uh, oh, we're getting into this now kid, kid, kid.
Eric:Feel your feelings, boy. You, you there, boy, nephew, feel your feelings, feel those. That's it because you're, because, like society and and all the social programming that everyone around you, all of us, we're all guilty of, it will try to convince you that feeling your feelings is bad and that you should hide them, and that having feelings somehow makes you less or weak or wrong. And they do not. Feeling your feelings is a human fucking process. You are going to feel your feelings no matter what. So feel them in the way that helps you, feel them in the way that opens you to love and support from everyone around you.
Matt:But don't hide them, don't bury them, don't hide them, no matter what anybody else says, and I'll tell you this. Derek Eric to Erica, this is coming from someone who was mercilessly made fun of for crying constantly in the playground as an elementary school student. And look at me, now I have a podcast, a podcast with dozens, technically, of patrons. Who can say how many groupings of patrons we have? We're incredible. We have arrived, Derek.
Eric:Eric Derrico, and we have taken that playground bullying and we have leveraged it into comedy.
Matt:We've leveraged it into comedic timing, which I don't have to tell you this Derek, eric and Eric can't be taught.
Eric:No, goodness, no, but you've got it, kid Yo, you've got it, you've got it, you've got it.
Matt:You've got it, God you've got it. Anyway, this is a message for you circa 11 years from now or so.
Eric:Sincerely your funcles.
Matt:Matt and Eric, Matt and Eric, Matt and Eric Derek, Eric Derek and DerekKing11. I hope we've answered the question. The best to you and yours. Long may you reign, and to the queen DerekQueen11.
Eric:Oh, my god Hail the queen, Hail the queen baby. Oh hail the queen. Oh, we should do a follow-up at some point. We should also give motherly advice at some point.
Matt:Oh well, we have to be asked, we have to be asked, nobody's asked us. Nobody's asked us Interesting, curious. Eric, you want to give us our next question.
Eric:Yes, I do, my man. This comes from at alwaysacookie on Instagram, which you may remember as a former guest of the show, Andy. Andy Rawlings From across the pond.
Matt:Eh, from across the pond, across the pond, we taste some biscuits with him, didn't we? Oh yeah, we dipped the biscuit, had a little joffle cake and tea did we had a little, a little jelly, jelly jam jams and some sip sips best to you and the bird there, andy sorry I was. I was primed for this because you can't just say in it, by the way, just out of context oh bit sad, isn't it?
Eric:yeah, you gotta add some words uh so andy asks yeah, let's get serious. Let's get serious, let's be mature yeah what's the proper etiquette for letting someone know their zipper is down? Thank you, he comes in with some fucking like andy will just always a cookie swinging from the rafters, just like throwing hail. Mary good questions absolutely.
Matt:Uh, it's, it's. It is a delicate question because, like, let's say you're, I feel like if it's you, you know, if it's someone close to me, it's very easy I'll just you know, oh yeah, get you close and be like hey, by the way, oh man, I'll stick my finger in there, go.
Eric:What do we got going on here? That that is. That is absolutely a thing. I don't know if you experience this with with your dude friends when, like in high school and shit nobody has ever stuck their fingers in my fly no. But if, if, oh, no, but just if it's one of your closest friends, there's no like they will say like oh, oh, what's this, what's all this? Then my friends would call immediate loud attention to it.
Matt:Yeah, for sure.
Eric:Because they're dicks.
Matt:No, if I ever see you with your zipper down, I'm 100% taking these two fingers and going like oh what we got going on here. Percent taking these two fingers and going like, oh what we got going on here. What's that? You little john thomas there trying to peek his way out? Oh, is that malcolm?
Eric:and donald bain. Why do you?
Matt:always do that. Every single time, you make a obscure reference to the scottish play, in reference to your balls and your penis.
Eric:It's for like the one or two people that that will catch off guard and they'll just go you just the consistency with which you return to this bit.
Matt:I just don't understand.
Eric:Let's gilgalad englofen. Do that's for the other ones, for the lord of the Rings, jesus Christ? Oh, tom Bombadil and Goldberry. So yeah, obviously, but this is, I think this question is asking like if it's your friend or someone you know, you do it in the loudest, funniest way possible.
Eric:This is about a rando. Let's say, yeah, rando. Well, first of all, it depends on how rando. So what if we? Because, because, like, if they're a random enough person, I'm like I do not feel comfortable. Well, yeah. Or similarly, passing some asshole on the street and it flies down, I'm just going to be like, hey, I'll figure it out.
Matt:Well, what I'm thinking of is if they're not so random. Thinking of is if they're not so random. I'm thinking like if I'm at some sort of networking event and there's a, let's say, just to put it in our context, yeah, an artistic director of a theater or managing director of a theater, and I see their flies down, I'd be terrified to to be like hey, by the way, just so you know X, y, z, my man.
Eric:Yeah, oh, God, Off the bat. I will never in this cow. I will never hit him with an X, Y, Z, no one has ever authentically said X, Y, Z to someone else. Maybe just a play like hey, is that your dick?
Matt:Couldn't help but notice your dick's out. What, oh my fly's undone, that'll do it. That'll do it. It'll get you on a list.
Eric:Yeah, is your name Victor Frankenstein, because you are hanging brain, my man Dude.
Matt:You are hanging brain, my man. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You hear that Sounds like chickens. Barn door must be open, my guy.
Eric:Ooh, that's good. God Is it, is it? I love it. Hey, how about this? How about this?
Matt:You just lean in close and go open the pod bay doors, Hal. I'm afraid I can't do that, Dave, they're already open. They're all very open.
Eric:Very good, I'd hit him with a. Just wave my hand vaguely and like, respectfully but vaguely, towards the direction of their midsections. Go melon, speak friend, and the door will open respectfully but vaguely, towards the direction of their midsections.
Matt:Go Melon, speak friend, and the door will open oh someone's already been to Moria I see, I'll grab a friend or a random person and say one of us can tell the truth and one of us always lies, and your fly is open.
Eric:They'll look, they'll have to see. Do you know what I will do, though? I have done this and it works. Tell me I will, without even looking at the person who's flies down. I will, I'll notice, I've noticed I'm like locked, and then I will wait for my opening. You have to and this is like you have to you have to use all your powers of reading the room to as as as casually as you can, not making a big loud deal of it, not to. This has to appear 100% natural. I will suddenly turn and go oh man, just noticed my fly was down, and that will cause them to instinctively check theirs, check theirs.
Eric:Yep, yep because the second your fly, of course, is not down. No, we think we assume a little, a little pantomime a little slight of hand a little pantomime and uh, and because I don't know about and so mime, anytime anyone's ever like had, like anytime someone's pointed out that someone's zippers down in front of me or someone's been like, oh shit, my zipper's down, I instinctively check mine yeah.
Eric:So you just hit them with a little oh shit, my fly's dead, and then they'll. They will check like, oh, mine too. And then you can actually have a like. You might even have a little laugh about that. You might even get in good with this artistic director. This is how the wheels are greased.
Matt:What if you lean in close and you say something like because if you did want to address it, you lean in close, you say something like man who died and they say what are you talking? I don't know what are you talking about. Oh, I just thought you'd know, since you're at half mast.
Eric:Ooh good match Quality. Do you know what my brain wrote when you teed that up? Tell me here's like oh, who died? Oh, what is it? It was like smells like fucking rotten ass dick in here. Lie down, you piece of shit, you dumbass. Would that be what you teed up? You awful person? Oh, my God, everyone. Look, this guy's dick is out it smells like rotten dick.
Matt:Smells like rotten dick. Yeah, you got any more zipper bits got any more zipper bits we can throw andy's way, or do you think we've exhausted this line of answering?
Eric:I think, I think we did a good job. I think we did a great job.
Matt:We did a phenomenal job which means it's it's time to transition now to our closing segment, oh which I don't know what it is, but you do, and that's interesting, eric always gives me pause it's just coming to me that I don't know why you wouldn't know. I'm just checking my sent text messages here.
Matt:I'm just trying to see if I can figure out, let's see. Hey, what do you want to do for the closer? Any ideas there? Give any thought to sunday? No response. So I was forced, eric, without your participation in this podcast, to come up with a pop quiz. Get fucking hold on, even though the last time we did a pop quiz I was also quizzing you.
Eric:What were you oh? Yeah, but here we are again, and in the same vein as my celebrity houses, I said that.
Matt:I thought that would be fun, because I don't really expect you to get these right Like. This is more in the. You didn't ask for this. Here's some knowledge, but you get to guess first vein, right, yeah, except this time, eric, I would say that would be the same thing, but because of the level of disrespect I received, I'm going to go ahead and say I will judge you. Okay, get these right.
Eric:okay, oh so we are saying the quiet parts out loud. Now we're saying the quiet parts.
Matt:Okay, another piece of advice derrick eric de erico, say the quiet parts out loud sometimes yeah, and so this, and for no particular reason, I'm gonna call this pop quiz famous last words oh, hell, yeah, okay what I.
Matt:What I have here, eric, is a collection of 10 quotes that are attributed as these very famous people's. Okay, final words yep, on this planet. I'm gonna give you the quote and, in certain circumstances, the circumstance, because it's necessary, uh, and you're gonna give me a guess as to who it is I and I'm I'm legitimately so excited for this. I fucking love quotes and I love last words and I have a few of these that honestly, I expect I would expect that you do know. Oh, so I'm gonna start you with with two that you should know?
Eric:Fuck, don't tell me this is from my impudence. Okay, this is your punishment. Yes, my prince, so this first one.
Matt:The final words in question is no, you certainly can't. And that was in response to Nellie Connelly saying you can say dallas doesn't love you.
Eric:Honorific um, yes, nelly connelly hinsley dallas doesn't love you, honorific and again, the final words are no, you certainly can't damn.
Matt:Oh, I feel like I laid on the hints pretty thick on this one, eric.
Eric:I can't see it, tell us. Just clarify this isn't sports related, is it? This is not sports okay, okay, wait, wait and you, there's an honorific uh, you certainly can't say dallas doesn't love you honorific.
Matt:Was this a bush? Was this a bush? Yeah, as in george george one of the presidents yeah was this bush senior? Is that your guess?
Eric:yeah, because it wouldn't be junior.
Matt:He's still alive well, thank you, eric. Um no, eric, it was not hw, but it was a president god damn it no, you certainly can't, are the final words of president john f kennedy in response to governor connelly's wife, nelly connelly, saying you certainly can't say dallas doesn't love you mr president okay, you know, oh, you know.
Eric:Okay. Now, my see, what my brain did is. I was locked so hard into oh, oh, someone is dying. They know they're dying and these are their last words.
Matt:Oh, they didn't know they were dying.
Eric:But now I see what is on the table and I respect, because for a second I was about to get so in danger I was like those weren't his last words. He didn't have it, oh the last words he spoke.
Matt:Those are the last words he is known to have spoken Yep, yep, okay. Fair, Fair Now this next one even more If he was even there that day.
Eric:Go on.
Matt:What the?
Eric:Sorry, I had to throw off that rhythm you built up Of anyone involved.
Matt:He was there Of the key players of the John F Kennedy assassination. I'm just, he was there, I'm just saying I wasn't there. No, you weren't. You weren't there.
Eric:Eric, you're out of your depth.
Matt:Do not get me started on this. You're being punished.
Eric:Sorry, forgive this in my eminence. Go on Okay.
Matt:This next one, eric, is both historical and theatrical. Okay, it is an actual quote and it is also a very famous theatrical line. So for those reasons, I expect you to know it. Yes, more weight.
Eric:That is Giles Corey as portrayed in the Crucible. But yes, he was being crushed to death for being of being accused of being a witch.
Matt:Eric nailed it. Yeah, it is Giles Corey, both in the Crucible and in real life. While he was being pressed to death, to fucking death, it took hours during the Salem with witch trials. He said more weight what a badass motherfucker.
Eric:and I I read up on this one of the reasons that they believe that like a no matter what. It is incredibly badass. But another layer to it which I find absolutely fascinating and speaks to the character of this human being if, if he admitted to being a witch, his property, his properties, including his land, the house his family lived in, could be seized by the state because he had confessed to a crime. By not confessing to a crime he did like they were the he he wasn't like. They didn't convict him, they just killed a guy. Eric, I'm proud of you, yeah, I'm proud of you.
Matt:Yeah, I'm proud of you and I release you from your penitence. Oh fuck, yes. Now this next one. I do have a few that are related to well, I guess they're all related to death, but related to being killed. Okay, okay, this next one. While being possibly the most badass final words of all time. Okay, okay, this next one. While being possibly the most badass final words of all time. Okay, while being burned to death on a gridiron, this individual said you can flip me over now, I'm done on this side, ah.
Eric:Oh wow, I know I have. I've heard that one.
Matt:It's a famous one.
Eric:It's a famous one, my brain immediately wants to go to the world of antiquity, but I don't believe that's. It Burned to death on a gridiron, so this wouldn't have been a public. See, if it was a public execution, last words, it would have probably been from antiquity.
Matt:Eric, I will tell you this right now it's a public execution.
Eric:It's a public execution. Okay, burn to death on a gridiron. I'm going to say it's one of the famous philosophers, it was like someone or a mathematician. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that it was not Pythagoras. I don't remember how he died, but there was the. I remember there was a philosopher who was burned to death on a gridiron. Burned to death on a gridiron, I'm going to say Archimedes.
Matt:Archimedes. You are in sort of the ballpark, Eric, but you are not right. It's St Lawrence. These are the final words of St Lawrence, one of the famous Christian martyrs.
Eric:And her famous machine.
Matt:Yes, absolutely so, and I've got another one here. Okay, After stepping on their executioner's foot. I didn't do that on purpose.
Eric:Oh, I was reading about this one.
Matt:Yes, they stepped, they stepped on their executioner's foot and then turned to said executioner and said I didn't do that on purpose.
Eric:Oh, it was either Charlemagne or Robespierre. I'm going to say Robespierre.
Matt:It's neither. But you're right about the French part it's Marie Antoinette.
Eric:Marie Antoinette? Oh yes, because Robespierre did apologize to this guy, but it wasn't because of that. It was they had broken his fucking jaw and had it wrapped up in a bandage and he dripped blood on the guy and he's like no.
Matt:Well, his jaw was broken the night before. Yes, it's kind of mysterious circumstances, yes, uh, and Assassin's Creed unity play on those circumstances. But anyway, marie Antoinette, the next neighborhood the next one, eric, also a little bit on the historical side. Okay, I have offended God and mankind because my work did not reach the quality it should have. These are last words. These are last words and I'll say once I reveal who said this haunting, haunting.
Eric:I will. I had an initial thought.
Matt:Let me know if you need any of these quotes again.
Eric:Give me the quote one more time.
Matt:I have offended God and mankind because my work did not reach the quality it should have. Adolf Hitler.
Eric:Jesus Christ, Eric Is that your guess. That sounds like the kind of shit he would think to say after having committed atrocities of an unfathomable scale.
Matt:No, I don't think, eric, I'm not you're wrong, obviously, after having committed atrocities of an unfathomable scale. No, I don't think, eric, I'm not, you're wrong. Obviously, I don't think anyone really knows his last words, considering he committed suicide in a bunker.
Eric:Well, that's what I'm saying. I know he's in a bunker with some people. I don't know what his last words, just one person, just just uh. Ava. Oh right, they killed everyone else. No, Eric killed everyone else.
Matt:no god, what a piece of shit I have offended god and mankind because my work did not reach the quality it should have. The final words of leonardo da vinci oh yes, it's that interesting. I was close, you were close. This next one, eric, is a playwright. Okay, I'll give you that hint as a playwright. And this is in response to his wife telling him he looks like he's improving. On the contrary, on the contrary. And then he fucking died playwright.
Eric:Wife said he looked like he was improving. So he was on the contrary. Died tennessee williams. Tennessee williams not bad guess, but it except for the wife part with tennessee. Died Tennessee Williams.
Matt:Tennessee Williams. Not a bad guess, but it except for the wife part with Tennessee Williams. I couldn't remember if he had a wife. Hendrick Ibsen. It was Hendrick Ibsen's last words, and I'm going to jump out of order because here's another playwright one, and I think you'll know this one, but I'm not 100% sure you will.
Eric:Especially considering my track record thus far. My wallpaper and I are fighting a duel to the death. One or the other of us has to go. That um, um, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes wrote uh importance of being earnest, correct, fucking.
Eric:Uh, oh god, oh god, I, he's one of my, he's so good. Uh, he was Scottish, he was gay. When he came into a port of authority once they said do you have anything to declare? And he said nothing but my brilliance. It is. Oh, oh, oh God. Sorry to everyone who's screaming it at their radio right now, I'm so bad with names. It is. Don't you fucking tell me God, he wrote so much. He wrote english, english high comedy. Uh, hold on, I'm gonna do my little alphabet a, b, c d what a fascinating view into eric's brain.
Matt:This is I hate this.
Eric:I, you, I am going to, I, we are gonna stay. We're. What are we gonna talk about? Well, I remember the name of the playwright who wrote importance of being earnest oscar wilde, you oscar wilde you, son of a bitch. I will never forgive you for doing this to me.
Matt:You've made an enemy for life. Oscar Wilde is the name you're looking for of the Irish playwright. Irish, Scottish, my friend, oh, how you've offended the Scots I and the Irish.
Eric:You know what? If the Scots were literate, they would be very offended. Jeez, am I right, my fellow Irishman.
Matt:No, now listen. Okay, now, this one, eric, is a little bit more contemporary, but not super contemporary. Except for a pair of the bridges I just burned down. No, no, I won't give you the chance.
Eric:Remember when I called my balls Malcolm and Donald.
Matt:They will remain aflame. Those bridges, in response to his wife asking him where he wanted to be buried, surprise me, ooh drawing blanks, but I'll, I'll ask his wife where he wanted to be buried.
Eric:Surprise me and I'll help.
Matt:I'll help you out Cause I was cruel. I was a little cruel, uh, comedian, comedian, comedian, famous comedian asking his wife where he wanted to be buried.
Eric:Surprise me, I'm gonna say do you have any idea how utterly oscar wilde fucked me up? I'm getting that picture. I'm trying to remember any name right now and it's stressing me out. I I'm going to say George Carlin.
Matt:George Carlin. Yeah, not a bad guess, but not correct. It's Bob Hope, bob Hope. Bob Hope's final words surprise me.
Eric:I'm learning so much.
Matt:All right, Eric, and that was my goal.
Eric:Thank you Learning how much I fucking suck with names. This next one, eric, don't overthink it, okay one last drink, please one last drink, please one last drink.
Matt:Please don't overthink it humphrey bogart I know but, hey, I told you not to overthink it. Yeah, it's jack daniels oh, damn okay jack daniels final words all right, eric, I got one more for you.
Eric:Okay.
Matt:One, last one and you're off the hook.
Eric:Thank you, I've been enjoying this thoroughly, by the way.
Matt:It is stuffy, sticky and rainy here at present, but forecasts are more favorable. Ooh, I thought you might know this one.
Eric:Is it Samuel?
Matt:Beckett, it is not Samueluel bale, it is sticky. I'm sorry, it is stuffy, sticky and rainy here at present, but faint forecasts are more favorable. Is it tolkien? The final words of jr tolkien?
Eric:yeah, which, uh, his um birthday was was the other day, traditionally celebrated by. When asked, like how people can like remember the life of JRR Tolkien, christopher Tolkien said the Tolkien estate gave the advice of raising a glass at 9 pm of a spirited drink and taking a sip. How about that?
Matt:Yeah, or alternatively, you could talk about a tree for two and a half hours.
Eric:Yep, while looking at the tree, talk to yourself about the tree. Talk to yourself about the tree.
Matt:Oh yeah, Well, there you go, Eric. That's what I got for you One and a half. That's your little pop quiz today. Famous last words. I hope everybody learns something and I also hope you feel shame.
Eric:Do you want to? Uh, not you, the audience, just eric. Uh, do you want to know one of my favorite? Uh, tell me. And these are. These are somewhat fascinating, is the words I would use for them. Um, but also somewhat haunting Quote LSD 100 micrograms intramuscular. Those were the last words of Aldous Huxley, writer of Brave New World. Yes, had his nurse inject him with a heroic dose of LSD and he tripped balls until he died.
Matt:Hey, you know what, if you're going, yeah, why not? Why not If you're?
Eric:going. Yeah, why not, why not?
Matt:If you know you're on your way out, why?
Eric:not. I'd say don't trip on your way out.
Matt:But hey, hey, and listen to you, the audience. I say please don't trip on the way out, because that is the end of this episode. I think That'll about do it for everyone here. You didn't ask for this. Listen, we need your questions. We'd like you to send them on into us. You didn't ask for this at gmailcom, that's all spelled out. Or you didn't ask pod. That's the letter. You didn't ask pod. Instagram, blue sky, facebook, kinda sorta TikTok YouTube, although we haven't made a TikTok in a in a healthy amount of days at this point. It's just, I've just been busy. You know, I apologize to everyone, but do send in those questions. You can also send them to us on the Discord. Which, eric? How can they reach the Discord?
Eric:You can reach the Discord by finding you Didn't Ask For this on Patreon and subscribing today. By becoming a patron at the one dollar tier, you get access to our discord. That's right, but for just three dollars more, babes, four dollars. For just three dollars more, you get access to the discord. Access. You get access to monthly bonus content, our series, oops, all tangents, and you get 20 off of all merchandise available through the Udaft merch store.
Matt:That's, you didn't ask for thiscom slash shop. We do have merchandise ready and available, such as the very mug I'm drinking out of right now. I'm so stoked for mine to get here. I.
Eric:I I fucks with a black mug with a good logo.
Matt:Yes and we. Uh, I got my hoodie today. It has the questions on it. As I talked about earlier, we got all kinds of stuff there. We got fanny pack, pint glass magnets. We're going to get some other stuff. The Discord's been talking. They want stickers, they want pins. We're going to work on those.
Eric:Life-size cutouts. The life-size cutouts. Thanks, Juniper.
Matt:The life-size cutouts have been brought to everyone's attention by Sir Juniper. First night at Yadav. Thank you, Sir Juniper. But more importantly than anything, you still this episode dropping here on the 16th of January. You still got about two weeks to submit those bingo cards. So the link is in the description of this episode and on our link tree on Instagram and elsewhere. It's just a Canva template link. Put in your selections, send it to us via email, the Discord instant message, however you want to get to us. Just get it to us. That's youdidntaskforthis at gmailcom and we will enter you into our yearly Yadaf Bingo competition. We've gotten a few submissions already. Love that you still got plenty of time to submit. You will win a guaranteed guest spot on the show as well as a free merch. We never really said what it was going to be, did we? Eric, you know what your pick oh, I'd say their pick oh, yes, your pick of free merchandise.
Eric:Oh, 100%, we'll get that sent. Oh, like I get to pick for them, hell yeah.
Matt:Not you, Eric. You get to sneak Not you you selfish, prude, indeed, indeed, indeed, indeed. And of course, you can call us on the thought line at 410-929-5329 and leave us a vocal question. Eric, did I mish mish?
Eric:anything.
Matt:You didn't mish a goddamn thing well then, from all of us here at you didn't ask for this. My name is matt shea, my name's eric poach, and listen, you didn't ask, but real talk real.
Eric:If talk, real talk. If you knew that you were about to say your last words, if the stage was that you had time, you're like, all right, I'm about to die. If I'm going to say my last words, I'm going to say them now, off the dome, oh God, off the dome.
Matt:I'm sorry, oh my God, that was sad here. I'm sorry, oh my God, that was sad here's mine that came that was off the dome, that was authentic. Yeah, I said I'm sorry You're like, you're like.
Eric:Robespierre. What am I Canadian?
Matt:up in here. I mean you're welcome. That is what about you? Off the?
Eric:dome. Yo check this out.
Matt:And for my next trick, what, what? Okay, I'm imagining this, I'll. How about here's another, here's another candidate, be right back here.
Eric:Here's a good one to modify my, my previous one. Uh, I'd hit him with a. Uh, it was a neat trick, but I could only do it once. Sounds deep as hell. Listen, come closer. I got a secret to tell you. No, come, come here. Come here. Come here like because there flies down. Oh, because there flies flies down. Oh, because there are flies down.
Matt:Yes, yes, yes, absolutely. Just get one last sexual assault in there before you go Bye.